The Other Winchester Boy
by BeccaBean
Summary: John Winchester wasn't exactly a monk and Kate Milligan wasn't the only woman who was "grateful" that he rescued her. Evan is the other Winchester boy. Recaps of all the seasons before continuing in present time. Slight AU with another Winchester in the mix, OC. (This is very OC centric because the OC is the main character) *UPDATED/Fixed* (sorry about Chapter 13)
1. My Name Is Evan

As I sit in the backseat of Impala in utter silence watching the trees fly by in the foggy window, I touch my fingers to the glass and draw a devil's trap. Dean catches a glimpse of my artwork through his peripheral vision.

"What are you, four?"

I ignore him but I smile. I'm eighteen years old and my name is Evan Winchester. That's what it says on my birth certificate because my father John Winchester, was at the hospital on the day I was born, although I didn't technically meet him until I was four years old at my mother's funeral. My mother's name was Margaret and she was beautiful. I don't remember much about her except that she was warm and kind, and she loved me. I used to dream about her every night after my father took me away and then the dreams slowly began to fade. Her scent was the first to go, then the sound of her voice, then the details of her face, the shape of her nose, and the arc of her brow. Her presence in my thoughts and dreams became more faded and ambiguous until she no longer had to appear as a person at all but a shimmer of light, or mysterious shade in the distance. I remember her eyes, blue like mine or maybe they were hazel. I remember the funeral was sunny and hot. I was sweating in my black suit under the harsh sun. Someone held me in their arms; they probably had mistaken the sweat rolling down my face for tears, but I hardly knew what was happening that day, only that my mother had left and that everyone was sad. I don't remember much of that day. When we went back to my house, I went upstairs in my room and sat on the bed. That's when he came for me. He told me that he was my father and that I would be living with him and my two older brothers from now on. I should have been scared but I wasn't. I was just excited that I wasn't going to be alone anymore. I was going to have big brothers to play with. That's what I remember most about that day. Pulling away from my house and my life with dad. I was so relieved that I cried. I cried like a baby the whole ride.

I came to realize that my big brothers weren't just a little older than me, they were grown ups. Dean, the oldest one was the cool one and Sam, the giant one, was the nice one. They took care of me when dad went away, which was often. But as much as they tried to pretend otherwise, I knew I was different from them and it wasn't just physically; Sam and Dean's brown hair to my jet black black, and my blue eyes to their green. They didn't look so very much alike themselves minus the eyes and even those were two different shades. It was the bond that they had together which made me feel more left out than anything. They always got along, even when they argued. My biggest problem was that I didn't know which of them I wanted to be more like. Dean was so cool and funny, he always knew exactly what to say to everyone to make them smile and Sam was so smart and kind. I could tell him anything and he would be there for me to listen. I didn't care that we had to move from town to town all the time and I didn't care that I never had time to make any friends. I had my brothers and that's all I needed. Almost all I needed.

When I turn six, I learn the truth about my dad and what he did for a living. I'm so frightened that I can't sleep for months without a nightmare. Dean or Sam always let me climb into their beds and let me sleep whenever it gets too bad. "Dad's a superhero." Sam tells me one night, "He'll protect us"

"But he's never here" I whimper

"He goes where there's danger" Dean says, "he'll be here if we need him. Plus, I'm here. Nothing's going to get you while me and Sammy are around"

* * *

Dean and Sam aren't always around. Sometimes dad takes them away with him and leaves me with Bobby or Pastor Jim. Bobby's house is quiet and smells bad but he takes me to the park sometimes to play baseball. He tells me I'm going to go pro one day and make my dad proud. He pitches the ball and I hit it every time and run home. I tell Pastor Jim that I want to be a baseball player and he lets me try out for the church's little league team. I make it. Everyone cheers and Pastor Jim takes me for ice cream. Dad comes back to pick me up right after. I tell him that I made the team and he tells me that we have to leave. I'm not sad. Dean and I talk about sports for hours. He knows so much that I don't know yet but he says he'll teach me. Dean and Sam get me a baseball bat when I turn seven. I think they stole it and I'm so happy that I sleep with it under my bed. Now I can protect us from monsters too.

Things don't stay happy for long and Sam is arguing with dad. Sam wants to go away from us to go to school. My name comes up a few times.

"You're going to abandon your family? Me, your brothers, everything we worked for? You expect Dean to take care of Evan on his own while I'm away? Sam, we need you!" Dad yells

"It's not Dean's or my responsibility to take care of him, Dad! I'm not going to throw my life away because of your life choices!" Sam roars back

"My life choices? You think I choose this life for us Sam? You think I chose for your mother to go like that? I'm doing what I have to do!"

"Mom's gone dad! Killing the demon will not bring her back!"

Dad grabs Sam by his shirt and slams him against the wall. Dean gets in the middle and pushes them apart.

"Sam" Dad says in a lower voice but still scary voice, "If you leave this family, if you walk out of this door, don't you ever come back"

Sam looks like he might cry but he doesn't. He walks to his bed and starts packing a bag. Dad sits down at a table and drinks some coffee. Dean is talking but nobody is listening. I beg Sam to stay.

"I'm sorry" He says, "I can't. I just can't" he tousles my hair and walks out without looking back. Dean goes after him but he comes back without him. Dad tells us to pack up, we're checking out of the motel tonight. I don't understand it. I knew that Sam and Dean's mom wasn't there. I assumed she was dead just like my mother but I never wondered how and nobody ever talked about her. When Dad went away for the first time since Sam left, I finally got the courage to ask Dean. He didn't want to talk about it; he said I was too young to understand. I told him that everyone else knows but me and it's not fair. Sam is my brother too and I want to know what's happening. He tells me to let it go but I don't. I pout and whine until he gets really annoyed with me.

"Fine. Sit down, shut up, and I'll tell you. I never want you to talk about it again, do you understand me?"

"I promise, Dean! You can trust me, cross my heart and hope to die!"

"You will hope to die if you're lying"

"I'm not, Dean. I swear. I promise!"

"Yeah, yeah okay whatever. Clam up or I won't tell you"

I pull my fingers across my lips as if I'm pulling an invisible zipper closed and give him a thumb up. I'm ready to hear the family secret that they have kept me in the dark about for years. Years later, I wonder why my father didn't tell me earlier, I'll wonder why we kept so many secrets from one another. Maybe it's because we've made it such a habit of lying to everyone on the outside and hiding who we really are, that secrecy and deceit become so much a part of our identities that we don't know how to be honest and open with each other. We were never taught how.

Dean tells me about his mother and the fire. He tells me about the yellow-eyed-demon who caused it all and about how Dad has devoted his entire life to finding and killing him. That's the real reason why Dad is always hunting. He's trying to find the demon that destroyed his family and his life. Sam was too young to remember their mother but Dad can't go a day without thinking of her. That's why they fight so much. I sit on the bed and listen but my mind wanders, does Dad ever think about my mom like that? Is he upset at me because I don't remember every detail about her anymore? Does Dad love my mom as much as he loves Sam and Dean's mom? Sometimes late at night, Dad would stumble inside smelling really bad. He would go to his bed and sometimes he would even cry. He would say Mary. I wonder if he ever said Margaret. I don't remember if he ever did but I don't think so. That night when everyone is asleep, I whisper her name out loud. Margaret. It's the first time I've heard her name in years. That night, I cry for my mother for the first time.

* * *

I'm eleven years old when Dean starts to worry. Dad has been gone for a week and he hasn't called to check in. His phone sends Dean's calls straight to voicemail.

"Something's wrong" He grumbles

"Is he okay?" I ask

"Yeah, I'm sure he's fine" Dean answers me absently and I don't stop to question how he would know that or wonder why I'd ask him how Dad is when he obviously doesn't know.

"We have to find him." Dean says after an hour of failed attempts to reach him

"Should I call Bobby?"

"No" He says, "This is a family issue. Get your stuff, we're going to California."

"What's in California?" I ask stupidly as I hurry to pack my things

"Sam"

* * *

**Hey ya'll! Anyone who was reading my other story In My Daughter's Eyes, don't be alarmed! I'm still writing that story, I'm just working through a mental roadblock in my mind with it and decided to walk away for a few days so I can clear my head and start again. **


	2. I Am The Littlest Brother

We drive for days but we're close now and Dean isn't pulling over for the night. I try really hard to stay awake but the heat is on and it feels like a blanket, I can't keep my eyes open. I ask Dean to turn down the heat a little bit.

"Are you kidding me? It's freezing" He smirks but I know he's not cold. He wants me to fall asleep and my body reluctantly obliges. I wake up again when the engine shuts off. It's pitch black outside and we're in front of a large apartment.

"Is this where Sam lives?" I gape

"Yup"

"Cool!" I say and reach for the door. Dean grabs my shoulder and pulls me back in my seat

"Whoa, whoa pipsqueak, where do you think you're going?" He asks

"Inside with you to go get Sam" I frown

"Nuh uh, you stay here and wait for me to get back"

"Why?"

"Because I'm catching him off guard. He's probably going to come out swinging"

"Why don't you just ring the doorbell" I squint

"Because" He starts and pauses to think, "Just stay here"

"But Dean-" I plead as I scoot over to the driver's side he just climbed out of

"Stay" He orders and closes the door.

I open the door a crack and poke my head out "Dean" I whisper

He turns and puts a finger over his mouth before running towards the apartment. I close the door and cross my arms tight across my chest. I miss Sam too and I want to see him really bad. I bring my knees up on the seat and sulk in self-pity at the moment I was robbed of so unfairly by Dean. After what seems like an eternity, a light flicks on. I catch my breath and crane my neck over the steering wheel for a better look. I can't see anything that's going on. I imagine Sam and Dean hugging and laughing. They're probably on their way back now. I sit back in the seat and yank down the rearview mirror. Dean's going to be pissed but I have to fix myself. Sam hasn't seen me since I was a little kid and I want him to see how grownup I am now. I lick the salty palms of my hands and grimace at the taste before raking them through my hair. I try to put it up like Dean's but my hair is too long and it keeps flopping out of place. I lick my palms again and try again but all I'm left with are sticky hands and damp hair. I tousle it a little and hope I don't smell like spit. What's taking them so long? I lay back and wait. Finally I see them coming. They look like they're fighting but I don't care. I move back to the driver's seat and roll down the window.

"Sam!" I whisper loudly

"Hey big guy" He smiles

"Hey" Dean says to him calling his attention away "I can't do this alone"

"Yes, you can"

"Yeah. Well, I don't want to"

Sam takes a deep breath and shakes his head "What was he hunting?"

Dean tells me to put my head back in the car and pop the trunk and I do. Sam's back. I smile.

* * *

"How's school college boy?" I ask teasingly

"It's great, I love it"

"Looks like Sammy got himself a girlfriend" Dean smirks

"Don't call me that." He says firmly and leans his head back to talk to me "She's great"

"Is she pretty?"

"Is she?" Dean scoffed

"Yeah. She's a knock out" Sam says and looks out the window. It gets quiet but I'm so excited I can't help but talk. I talk so fast and I say so much that I don't even know what I'm saying. Sam laughs, amused by my enthusiasm and I feel proud of myself.

"So, how's baseball?" He asks me

"He hasn't played in a while" Dean answers for me, "Been moving around a lot since you've been gone and we haven't had a lot of time"

"Oh. I'm sorry" Sam says to me

"It's okay" I say, "I get to watch it on television all the time since Dad left. A whole week of baseball"

"A week?" Sam squints at Dean, "I thought you told me it was three weeks"

"A week, three weeks, what does it matter? Dad's gone. Something is wrong. I can feel it"

"Dad always checks in, Sam" I agree and the car goes quiet again. Sam is mad at Dean and we've only been together for ten minutes. I try to think of something to say quickly to break the tension but Dean beats me to the punch.

"Okay kiddo, Bobby's or Pastor Jim's?"

"What? No! I want to go with you!"

"You can't. It's dangerous"

"No fair! Dad took you hunting when you were my age!"

"I'm not Dad, now you pick or I do"

"I haven't seen Pastor Jim or Bobby in so long, Dean! It'd be so awkward! Why can't I just stay in a hotel or something and wait for you to get back?"

"And leave you alone? I don't think so"

"Dean. You're not about to drive from California, to Minnesota or South Dakota to drop me off just so you can drive back to California to find Dad"

He paused and I beamed internally, triumphant. It gets harder and harder to talk Dean into or out of anything now. Whining about stuff worked better when I was younger, now I have to actually use logic to get what I want.

* * *

In the morning Sam and Dean set out again, this time without me. Before he leaves, Dean gives me the routine rundown of what I'm supposed to do in case of emergency. "Yeah, yeah, yeah I know all of this already" I groan and he leaves. I salt the doors and windows, pull the rifle into my lap, and flick on the television. It's going to be a long boring day. Dean or Sam checks in every couple of hours for the next two days. I pig out on pizza and soda that I buy with the credit card Dean left me. When they get back a few days later, it's without Dad. It's nighttime and Sam wants to go back to his apartment. I'm hurt and angry but I don't say anything. Sam says Dad's in Colorado and he can't go with us. Dean's upset too but he drives anyway and drops Sam off. I climb into the front seat and strap in as he pulls away.

"Looks like it's just you and me, little guy" He says and reaches over to the radio dial to turn up the music. Then he stops.

"What's wrong?"

"My watch stopped." He says and spins the car around before speeding back to the apartment. I remember that day vividly, Dean bursting inside Sam's apartment and pushing him out. The fire licking out of the windows, the firefighters best efforts to quench the flames. I keep hoping that Sam's girlfriend will make it out alive. She doesn't and we hit the road. Sam wants to find Dad more than ever now.

* * *

Dean lets me tag along with them when they go on hunts as long as I stay in the hotel. Sometimes I want to go with them because it's lonely and boring being by myself but Dean makes me go to school. Even if it's only for a few days at a time.

Sam has nightmares; he can see the future in his sleep. I think he's a superhero just like Dad but Sam and Dean aren't happy about it. Sam feels like a freak sometimes. I wish I had super powers like Sam, I would trade places with him if I could. Dean is always worried about him and taking care of him. I accidentally cut myself on a knife in Dean's bag and he gets angry with me. I apologize but I'm not really sorry. The stitching hurts but as he scolds me, we have our first direct conversation in months.

"What were you doing? You know how to handle this kind of stuff"

"It was an accident. I reached my hand in without looking first"

"Sounds like a fool proof plan, genius" He rolled his eyes irritably and finished stitching up my hand

"If I catch you going through my stuff like that again, I'm going to kick your ass, capisce?"

"I'm sorry" I am, but only because it hurts so much. "Capisce"

* * *

It takes months to find Dad but they do once. It was on a hunt and I wasn't there because they had dropped me off at Bobby's, but he made no attempt to come back home. Dean says Dad's closing in on the demon. I don't care. I stay angry with him.

I'm twelve years old and it's my birthday. Bobby takes me shooting. I'm not as good as Dean or Sam yet but I'm getting better. When Bobby takes me back home we get a phone call from Dad. I'm so excited; I forget that I'm still upset with him

"Hey kiddo" He says

"Hi Dad, when are you coming home?"

"Soon son, real soon. How are you holding up? You doing okay? Listening to your older brothers?"

"Yes, sir" I nod although he can't see me

"That's good. I want you to listen to them and do what they tell you. They'll take care of you"

The tone of his voice makes me anxious, "Are you coming home now?"

"Not yet. I have some business to finish up. Give the phone to Bobby"

I do. The phone call leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I pout because my birthday is ruined.

* * *

A few days later the Impala pulls into the driveway and I run out to meet them. Dean and Sam come inside but Dad isn't with them. My heart sinks.

"Dean, where's Dad? He said he was coming home soon"

Dean pushes me aside and walks into the house.

"Sam, where's Dad?"

"Evan, get inside" He says as he slings a duffle over his shoulder and heads in himself

I chase after them, anger mounting "Where is he? I deserve to know!" I shout

"Will you calm down?" Dean snaps, "We're going to get him back"

"Get him back? What do you mean get him back? Where is he? Dad's in trouble? Where is he?" I screech

"A demon got him, okay? But we're going to get him back"

"Then I'm coming with you"

Dean cocks his head to the side and I know what's coming next before he says it

"You're not going anywhere."

"He's my Dad too!"

"Yeah, and I'm your older brother! You're my responsibility and I said no"

"You let Sam go!"

"Sam's not twelve"

"He's right, son" Bobby sighs, "it just ain't fit for kids your age"

The dog starts barking outside and then gets quiet. Bobby runs to the window and looks out.

"Evan, go upstairs" Dean orders

"Bu-"

"Go!"

I run up the stairs just as I hear the front door slam open. I hear crashes. I want to help but I know better than to go downstairs again. I grab a rifle and crouch down by the staircase ready to go if they need me.

* * *

It's nighttime again. My legs have fallen asleep from not moving for so long in this position. I hear Bobby telling Sam and Dean to get moving. They're about to leave without me again. I stifle an angry cry as a crash of emotion washes over me. They have no right to keep leaving me behind like this! Without thinking, I jump to my feet and ride the wave of adrenaline to Bobby's bedroom. I drop the gun on his bed and yank the heavy window open. A cool breeze rolls in and chills me to the bone but I keep moving. I half climb, half fall down the side of the house and run to the car keeping as low as I can to the ground. I open the back door a crack and climb in. When the front door of the house closes, I close the door behind me and slide as far as I can underneath the passenger's seat. When daytime rolls around, I can't believe they haven't found me yet but they aren't paying attention. Dean parks the car and he and Sam start arguing about a gun. Then they walk away. I crawl out of my hiding spot and peer over the edge of the backseat. They're nowhere in sight. I lie across the backseat and wait for them to return. I know I'm in trouble but I don't care, I just want to see Dad again. By nightfall I'm starving so I climb out of the car and amble over to a berry bush close by. I know what to look for, Bobby showed me once. They aren't poison so I grab a handful and cram them into my mouth. The sweet juices trickling down my throat remind me of how thirsty I am. I grab another handful and stuff my mouth again. I'm so engulfed in eating that I don't hear the footsteps approaching until it's too late.

"Evan?" Sam barks and I freeze. I can feel juice dribbling down my chin. Before I can swallow or say something Sam is hovering over me. His face is all bruised up like he's been fighting.

"What are you doing here? Did you stow away in the car?" He demands. Dean shuffles over, Dad is hanging limply over his shoulder.

"Dad!" I gasp with a full mouth "Is he oka-"

"Get in the car" Dean shouts at me and lays Dad down in the back seat. I start for the back to sit next to Dad but Dean grabs the back of my collar and swings me around so that I'm facing the front seat instead. I climb inside through the passenger's side and Sam follows. Dean walks around to the driver's side and gets inside. I wipe my chin with my sleeve and look down at my feet. I have so many burning questions but I know better than to ask now.

Dean glares straight ahead and turns the key in the ignition "Big trouble" he promises and we peel off.


	3. What About Me?

I think Dean's going to drop me back off at Bobby's but he doesn't. We drive to this old hut and go inside. Sam salts the windows and doors while Dean puts Dad down to rest in a bed. I guess they've been here before without me. Everyone is really quiet; I'm not sure if it's because they're really angry at me or something is wrong but since we have Dad back, I guess it must be me.

"Dean" I say, my voice comes out in a raspy croak as though I had just woken up

"Yeah?" He asks absently

"I'm sorry that I hid in the car, I-I just didn't want you to leave me again. I just wanted to help"

"Don't worry about it, Evan"

I'm stunned. Really? Don't worry about it? After disobeying a direct order and stowing away in the car, don't worry about it? Something is wrong. I can feel it.

"Why don't you go shut your eyes for a while, little guy" He says but he's not looking at me. He's staring off at the wall.

I look to Sam and he gives me a slight nod to go.

"Okay" I say and I leave the room. The place is small and dark even with the few lights on. I don't know my way around and it takes me a few minutes to find a bathroom. I wash my sticky face in the sink and dry it on my sleeve before wandering back into the hall. I hope Dad is awake, maybe I can say hi before I head off. When I check into his room, he's gone. That's when the lights start to flicker.

Sam runs by me.

"Sam, what's going on?"

"Nothing, don't worry. Check the window in the bathroom" He orders and I run and check.

"It's salted, Sam. What's wrong? I can help"

"The demon is coming. Come here"

We rush back into the front room and that's when we see Dean standing in front of Dad with the colt pointed directly at his chest.

* * *

I had never experienced terror until that moment. I've been afraid lots of times, I've had nightmares and daydreams that made me tremble from fright, but I had never known terror until that moment when I walked into the room and saw Dean pointing the gun at Dad. We never talked about what happened that night after it was over, it was never even mentioned; sometimes I wonder if it crosses their minds as it does my own. Maybe it was because of the terror or because we never talk about it or a combination of both but I can't remember the details of the events that followed anymore. I remember being pinned against a wall and held there by invisible ropes pinning me in place, I remember thinking that none of us would survive the night, and I remember the demons eyes. So many years have gone by since that moment, I can't really tell the difference between what really happened and what my imagination recreated in nightmares and lost time, but those eyes weren't yellow. I remember them to be blood red. It makes no sense, everyone called the thing yellow eyes, even in Dad's journal it was "yellow eyes", when I saw the demon again a year later it had yellow eyes. But not on that night, that night I remember red. Red like lasers gunning after my big brothers as he taunted them on the wall, red like the blood he made Dean spit up when he tortured him with invisible hands, red the hot pain ripping through my body when the demon turned his attention to me. And I remember the words.

"Don't listen to him, Dean!" I shouted, "We need you! Dad loves you! He's not Dad!" I scream out in a moment of bravery followed by gut retching horror when the demon turns to face me

"Speaking of favorites." He says in a low voice and a smirk

"You leave him alone." Sam growls

"How about we play a little game?" Dad taunts, "How old are you? Ten?"

"Twelve" I snarl

"Wow. Does it hurt to know that your Daddy didn't know that?"

"You're not my Dad"

"You seem like a smart little boy." Not Dad, says as he ruffles my hair. I try to turn my head away but it only budges an inch

"I like the fight in you, son. It looks like it runs in the family. It's a shame you'll never really be considered a real member"

"Shut up" Dean snarls

"Now let's see if you have any brains like you brother Sammy. It's an easy game." The demon bends closer and sings, "One of these things is not like the other"

"I said leave him alone you son of a bitch!" Dean yelled

But the demon ignores him, "You ever wonder why you always feel so left out? While your Dad and your brothers just seemed to fit so well together? It's because they're a family"

"I'm family." I snap back

"You were an accident. John only took you in because he had to, don't you ever wonder why it took four years to meet him? He didn't want you back then and he doesn't want you know. Truth is, you've always been a burden. And you stick out like a sore thumb."

"That's not true" I remember that I cried. Not much, but I did cry.

"You know it's true. Why do you think he never tried to figure out what killed your dear old Mommy? It's because the only woman he ever loved was Mary. Sam and Dean are pieces of her and you?" The demon chuckled, "You're a one night stand and a fifth of whiskey gone wrong"

"So is this how you get your jollies?"

The demon spun around to face my biggest brother.

"Messing with little boys?" Dean is glaring and even from across the room I can see his lips quivering, "Why don't you pick on someone your own size, hotshot?"

"You mean like you, Dean?" He says and then Dean

"How would you like it if I picked on your kids? Oh wait" Dean smiled, '"I forgot. I wasted 'em"

That's when the blood began and that's all I remember. I don't know what happened after that point that hasn't been distorted by bad dreams or just plain forgotten. Somehow Dad overcame the demon and the next thing I knew we were heading home or somewhere. Maybe it was the hospital; now thinking about it I'm pretty sure Dad was hurt. I was sitting in the back seat with Dean; he must have been sleeping because he was slumped over while Dad and Sam argue in the front. I don't know why they're fighting, I'm just happy everyone is alive.

"Dad!" I say leaning forward

"Sit back, Evan." He says.

Those are the last words I ever hear him say to me.

* * *

I wake up in a hospital. My leg is in a cast but I'm not much pain. There's a throbbing pain in my side and my eyes are heavy. There's an IV in my arm and a funny taste in my mouth. A nurse walks into the room and smiles at me. She has teddy bears on her scrubs and short blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail.

"You're awake." She says walking over to me

"Where am I?" I croak. I feel the pain now. It hurts to breath

"You're in the pediatric ward of St. Peter's hospital. My name is Charlotte; I'm your nurse. Do you remember what happened?"

I remember lights and a crash. I remember being thrown against Dean on impact.

"What happened? Where's my family?" I slur out, it's hard to speak. I'm so tired.

"They're being taken care of" She says, "Try not to worry"

"Are they okay? Are they all okay?"

"I'm going to go get your doctor, okay?"

I fall asleep.

* * *

I'm twelve years old and I am an orphan. The reality of it sinks in as I'm watching the funeral pyre in between my two older brothers. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I watch the flames ravage my father's body. Sam tells me that Dad was okay and Dean was in bad shape before things suddenly changed. Now Dean is standing next to me without a scratch on him and Dad is dead. I don't know how or why, all I feel is regret and jealousy that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to him like my brothers and a deep gaping emptiness that the abandonment by my father has left resonating inside of me. I wonder if he visited me at all while I was sleeping. Later that night on the way to Bobby's, I ask my brothers if demons tell the truth. Dean says no and we finish the ride in silence.

I'm not much use on my crutches so my brothers leave me behind when they're on a case, which is often. I spend my time off in school because Bobby promised Dean that he would make me go. I see a lot of familiar faces and some of them ask me where I'm always disappearing to, I tell them that my family likes to travel a lot. Sarah Ann Richards sits next to me in bio and asks me how I broke my leg. She smells like sweet apples.

"Mountain climbing accident" I lie to impress her. I lie to avoid more questions.

"Can I sign your cast?"

"Sure"

She uses a pink marker and draws a heart around her name. She is the first girl of the nine girls who sign it. When Dean calls I tell him about it and he calls me lover boy. I blush and ask him when he's coming home.

"Sammy and I need to take care of a few things but we'll be back within a month or two"

"Dean, take me with you. I can help"

"No thanks, gimpy. I'll take my chances with sasquatch over here"

"My leg won't be bad for long. You broke your arm once and you still went hunting"

"I said no, alright?" Dean snaps

_One of these things is not like the other_

"But Dad always let you-"

"I'm not Dad!" He shouts

There's an uncomfortable silence that follows. I don't know why but I feel like crying.

"Look" Dean sighs, "I'll be home soon enough. We'll talk more about it then, okay?"

"Yeah. Fine"

"Alright little guy. Talk to you later"

"Bye, Dean"

* * *

I am thirteen years old and Sam is missing; kidnapped by yellow eyes. Dean, Bobby, and I rush to the Roadhouse and find it burned down. Dean's friend Ash is dead and I try my best to ignore the irony of his death by fire. Dean is angry but not about Ash, but at the fact that he doesn't know what urgent thing Ash was going to tell him to help find Sam. I thought that I was cold a moment ago but I'm starting to think differently now. Dean doubles over in pain. He says he saw Sam in a vision and before I know it we're back on the road to find him. We drive all night but we make great time because Dean is speeding.

"You think that son of a bitch yellow eyes is here?" I ask as we pull over and park

"I hope not for our sakes" Bobby says. I secretly hope that he is here. I want to kill him.

We see Sam almost the moment we start walking down the long dirt path. He's holding his side; I think he's injured.

"Sam!" Dean calls out

"Sam!" I echo

"Dean?" Sam smiles and starts to limp over

"Sam! Look out!" Dean cries out right as a man comes up from behind Sam and stabs him in the back. Time seems to move in slow motion as it happens. Sam falls to his knees and Dean runs to catch him as he collapses to the ground. The man runs and Bobby chases him. So do I. Bobby quickly falls behind but I don't. I'm gaining on the son of a bitch that hurt my brother. He looses his footing and spirals to the ground. Within moments I'm on top of him. With a fire I didn't know I had in me, I'm pounding on the man's face, electing blood splatter from his lips, nose and cheek with every blow when suddenly he grabs me and throws me so hard that I go flying through the air. My back hits something hard and then the blackness comes.

* * *

My brother Sam is dead. Dean watches over him like a hawk watches her nest and doesn't move from his spot unless he has to pee or something. I've never seen him like this before but I'm too tired to be concerned. I leave that to Bobby who shows up every now and then to make sure that we're eating, which we aren't, or drinking something other than Bourbon, which we aren't. Bobby walks in and takes the bottle from my hand.

"What do you think you're doing, kid? This stuff'll rot you from the inside out" He should talk.

"I don't care." I mutter

"Your brother needs you now, Evan. He's sinking fast and he needs you to help him"

"I am helping my brother" I shoot back in my drunken stupor, "helping him finish the booze"

"Alright, you need to sleep it off. Come on" Bobby says and takes a hold of my arm but I snatch it away

"Don't touch me" I snarl and stumble backwards away from him and trip over a chair in the process. I start to fall but something strong latches on to my sleeve and yanks me up hard. I look up to see Dean. His red-rimmed eyes and stone hard face bear down on me without mercy. I move gingerly from his grasp and step aside. His hard eyes follow me for a few seconds before snapping up at Bobby.

"I got something for you boys to eat"

"I'm fine, thanks." Dean says, "You hungry?" he asks me without taking his eyes off of Bobby

"Nope" I shrug. I am a little but every time I try to eat I feel sick.

Bobby frowns hard, "Dean, I know you're going through a lot right now, but the kid's not eating either and he's getting into the liquor. Maybe he should stay with me for a while"

A shiver of panic runs through my body at the thought of being taken away. I stare up at Dean.

"He's not going anywhere" Dean says firmly and crosses his arms

"I know you're hurting son, but this ain't a place for a kid right now. You got Sam laying out on the table-"

"He's not going anywhere." Dean repeated louder

Bobby sighs and I relax a little. My mind feels fuzzy. I need to sit down but I don't want to walk away.

"Look" Bobby says, "Maybe it's time that we… bury Sam"

"No"

"We could"

"What? Torch his corpse? Not yet"

"I want you to come with me"

"No."

"Dean, I just don't want you two to be alone. Something big is going down, end of the world big"

"Then let it end!" Dean shouts at him

Bobby and I both stand stunned. I sway a little.

"You don't mean that-"

"You don't think so?" Dean says advancing on him "Huh? You don't think I've given enough? You don't think I've paid enough? I'm done with it. All of it."

"Dean" Bobby says softly and throws a small nod in my direction

Dean doesn't seem to notice and continues "And if you know what's good for you, turn around and get the hell out of here"

Bobby stares at him stunned. Then Dean pushes him

"Go!"

I hiccup loudly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Dean says to him. "Please just go"

Bobby looks at me for a moment and then looks at the ground. "You know where I'll be" He says, puts the alcohol down on the table and leaves us alone.

Dean doesn't watch him go. He picks up the bottle, opens it, and takes a swig before moving back over to Sam.

* * *

I know what happened next wasn't my fault. Dean was going to do what Dean was going to do and that's all there is to it, but every now and then I think about how if I didn't get so drunk, if I wasn't passed out on the bed like that, I could have stopped Dean from going after that crossroads demon to sell his soul. But as it turns out, I did pass out on that moldy old bed and when I woke up Sam was awake and standing in front of a mirror. I almost fainted in shock.

"Sam?" I gasp

"Hey" He grimaces as he checks out his back in the mirror

I shake my head. I can still feel the effects of the liquor and I vow internally never to drink again. That's when Dean walks in.

"Sammy" He breathes

"Hey" Sam says again and puts down his shirt. I know I'm not hallucinating now and I gape at Dean as he ambles over and pulls Sam into a bear hug.

"Ow" Sam winces and I just stare while Dean lies to Sam about what happened. I am invisible while all this happens. Dean orders pizza. I fight back tears. When Sam goes to the bathroom I confront him.

"What did you do?"

"Evan, please"

"Dean!" I cry out and grab his shirt, "What did you do?" but I already know what he did. I know all about the crossroads demon by now.

He looks like he might cry "I had to Evan, I had to save him. I had to protect him"

"Well, what about me?" I cry in anger, "What about protecting me?" I'm sobbing now, "don't I matter? Don't I matter at all to you?"

"Of course you do" He sniffles, runs his hands through my hair, and grasps my head in between his palms. "Of course you matter to me"

"No, no" I cry into his shirt, "No"

"Of course you matter" He sniffs

"How long Dean?"

"A year"

I push him off of me then. I want to hit him but I don't. "How could you do this to me? How could you leave me?" I shout

"You'll have Sammy." He says softly, "He'll take care of you"

"Dean" I whimper and Sam comes back out

"What's wrong?" He asks in confusion

"Uh" Dean says straightening up, "Evan got into the booze. He's a lightweight, so he's a little emotional"

"Oh yeah?" Sam smirked a little.

I wipe my eyes on my sleeve and stare at Dean. He looks away. Eventually, so do I.


	4. Family Business Is My Business Too

**Recapping these seasons are a lot harder than I thought. I hope it gets easier after Season 3 ends! This definitely isn't going as quick and breezy as I planned. **

* * *

Sam wastes no time getting back on track with the man who killed him. Jake. Dean wants him to take it easy but Sam doesn't. I'm too numb to speak.

"Guess next time you'll stay out of the shine" Sam clucks at me

"Yeah, it was my fault" Dean smiles lightly, "I should've been watching him"

"Nah" I shrug, "I just need to start looking after myself" I say directly at Dean

"Don't be ridiculous." He says right back at me, "One of us will always be around to watch out for you"

"Until one of you won't" I shoot back granting no mercy

Sam is looking back and forth between us, he won't buy the Dean's drunk excuse for long, he's smarter than that, so I retreat to myself. I'm pissed and hurt by Dean but I won't put him on the spot.

Sam makes us take him to Bobby's house. He's shocked to see Sam too but he doesn't tell on Dean. He takes him outside to talk. When they come back inside a woman is with them, her name is Ellen and she's a friend of the family that I have never met before. She helps us figure out what the demon is up to.

We beat Sam's killer to the graveyard and ambush him when he arrives. He's surprised to see Sam, he tells him that he sliced through his spine and that he should be dead. I see Sam look at Dean and I know he knows the truth now but he focuses back on Jake.

"What are you smiling at you little bitch?" Dean asks Jake

My finger twitches on the trigger of the gun I'm pointing at him. I want to shoot him now and I don't understand why everyone is stalling.

"Hey lady" Jake says to Ellen, "do me a favor, put that gun to your head"

Ellen moves the gun to her head. Her whole body is trembling. I clench my teeth and look over at Dean just waiting for a sign that it's okay to waste this son of a bitch but he's just staring at Jake.

"Let her go" Sam commands him

"Shoot him" Ellen shakes

"You'll be mopping up skull before you get a shot off" Jake warns, "Everyone put your guns down"

"Not on your life, ass-hat" I growl

"Your choice" Jake sneers and everyone reluctantly drops their guns on the ground. I lower mine but don't drop it.

"Okay" He says, "Thank you" and then he makes a run for the door. Dean and Bobby rush to Ellen and move the gun just as it goes off. That's when I raise my gun and fire two shots into Jake's back, then Sam takes over and shoots him again and again until he falls on the floor. He begs for his life but Sam shoots him anyway. I wish I had been the one to finish him off instead.

* * *

The last time I see the yellow-eyed-demon again is the last time I see my father. Dean shot the demon square in the heart with Dad's special gun and Dad is released from hell. His spirit looks at me, and he smiles and for a long moment, I feel like he's proud. I smile back. I'm proud of him too. And then he vanishes in a flash of light.

Two weeks later I go on my first hunt without my father. All of the emotions I feel about Sam's death and resurrection and Dean's deal are channeled into this hunt. At least that's what I'm preparing for as I clean the guns and take inventory of bullets in the trunk of the Impala. There are two other hunters here with us; a married couple, friends of Bobby's. I catch myself looking at the woman, Tamara when she leans over or walks by me. There's something so compelling about her despite the fact that she's over twice my age; then I look at her husband Isaac and think that she can do better. Sam asks them questions about their relationship and how they got into hunting, I only half listen because I like Tamara's British accent but I want to make sure I don't make any mistakes with the weapons that Dean is trusting me with so I concentrate on those instead. Dean is flirting with a coroner on the phone. He makes a fake date and a face before he hangs up. I smile at him, he can smooth talk any lady even over the phone. Isaac and Tamara decide that they would rather not hunt with us. I don't care because I didn't want to include them anyway, that is until he accuses us of being the "damn fools who let the Devil's Gate get open in the first place"

"We didn't." I snap at him, "we were the damn fools who tried to stop it, of course you would know that if you were there but-"

"Evan" Bobby nudges me

"Tried to stop it?" Isaac says rounding on me, "from what I understand, it was your gun that opened the gate"

"You mean the gun that was ripped away from us from a demon more powerful than you can imagine?" I press

"I don't know kid, I can imagine a lot"

"How about you get your facts straight before you start pointing fingers"

"Evan!" Sam shot at me, "That's enough"

"You brought war upon all of us" Isaac glares back at me

"Okay, that's quite enough testosterone for now" Tamara says taking a hold of Isaac's sleeve and leading him away

We stare after them for a few moments and Sam turns to me "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine"

"It's just- I've never seen you get so worked up before"

"It's been a rough couple of weeks, Sammy" Dean answers for me

"And there are plenty more where that came from" Bobby says ominously and closes the curtains on the windows.

* * *

I'm so excited to be out during the daytime with my brothers on a hunt that I can hardly contain myself. I remind myself to walk and not run to keep up with their long strides and be professional like they are. Sam stands outside of the store where some lady had her head bashed in to a car windshield and Dean goes inside. I follow Dean. He zeros in on a pretty blonde haired girl and smirks.

"Hey Evan, why don't you go see if Sammy needs help with anything?"

"What are you going to do?"

"Uh…talk to a witness"

"Why can't I help you?"

"Because there are some talks I gotta handle all on my own" He's still smirking at the girl

"Are you going to hit on her?" I squint

"What?" He snorts, "No, I'm not gonna… Why don't you go see if Sammy needs help with anything?"

"Dean" I roll my eyes but he's already gone. I turn on my heel and head outside but Sam is coming in.

"Where are you going?"

"To talk to Dean"

"I thought you were checking out the crime scene"

"I just did" Sam nods

"But!" I gape, "that fast? I wanted to help"

"Come on" He says walking past me to Dean. I fold my arms tight against my chest and follow, I know I'm being bratty but I don't care. I want to help. Sam isn't any more pleased about Dean's flirting on the job than I am. Dean jokes about not having much time left and wanting to enjoy it.

"I'm sorry" Sam says

"Apology accepted" Dean grins. What an ass. From now on, I'm sticking with Sam.

* * *

We meet up again with Bobby and Dean at night outside of a bar and catch them up on what we've found. A guy who has been seemingly possessed after the night the Devil's Gate opened.

"Those demons that got out of the gate, they're gonna do all kinds of things we haven't seen" Bobby says

"You mean the demons we let out…" Sam corrected bitterly

"You mean the demons Jake let out." I counter

"Guys" Dean interrupts and we see the demon walking into the bar. Bobby tells that we should wait and see what we're dealing with before we go in there but as Tamara and Isaac get out of a car and head it, we see that waiting is no longer an option.

"Damn it!" Bobby shouts

"So let's go get them!" I say eagerly

"Alright. You stay in the car" He says and gets out of the car with Dean and Sam

"No way!" I yell coming after them

"Evan" Dean warns as they grab jugs of holy water from the trunk

"No." I say firmly, "I'm not a little kid anymore. You're not leaving me behind"

Dean pushes a gallon of holy water against my chest and I grab on to it. I can't believe that really worked!

"If you see something coming at you, don't hesitate." He says

"I know!" I beam and we all climb back into the car

"Wait, what are we doing? Why aren't we going inside?"

"We are" Bobby says gunning the engine. "Strap in"

* * *

I've killed before. I've shot a werewolf through it's heart with a silver bullet, stabbed a skin-walker to death, and sent a demon straight back to hell on hunts with Dean and my Dad. I didn't love it but it was worth it to have Dad give me a nod or have Dean pat my shoulder but I never experienced something like this before. The moment we smashed a hole through the bar wall, all four of us jumped out of the car and began sloshing holy water in every direction. I watched a man's skin smoke and heard it sizzle under my hand; it was the most invigorating experience of my young life. We made it in time to save Tamara but not Isaac, can't say I'm too bummed about that although I won't admit it out loud. She's been screaming for him like a lunatic since we brought her back to the house. She exorcizes the demon out of the one Dean kidnapped from the bar. Everyone is pretty upset and anxious but I'm excited. I just met one of the seven deadly sins in person, what other kid my age can say that? We're in big trouble and I know it but somehow it just doesn't register for me. Dean says something about sacrificing himself to buy us some time but Sam and Bobby shoot that idea down pretty fast. I don't know why Dean keeps rubbing in the fact that he gave his life away but I hate it. We had a pretty good barricade against the sins for a while until Tamara broke the salt line in front of the door when the possessed body of her dead husband started taunting her. I thought she was stronger than that, but I was wrong and the demons came in after us. When I reflect back on that night now, I realize that the sins split off and went after whomever they related most closely with. Lust went after Dean, Gluttony came after Bobby, Pride, went for Sam and Wrath and Vanity followed Pride. I wonder which of us Envy would have come for. They trapped Sam in a room, three of them against one. I charged in from behind to help, swinging a gallon of water over my head. Fat a lot of good it did, while Vanity doubled over in pain, Pride had me pinned against a wall.

"Did you really think that I was going to be overcome by you of all people? I don't know whether to find you adorable or insulting" He grins and turns his attention back to Sam. I start believing that I would watch my brother die again right in front of my eyes when a blonde woman wielding a knife storms in and starts slicing throats, and even though she saved our lives, there was something about her eyes that made me uneasy. She left as fast and easily as she came leaving Sam and I wondering if we had not just shared some kind of hallucination of the beautiful, strong, feminine creature.

Sam and Dean dig a pit in the morning and lay the corpses down in it side by side.

"Can I do the match?" I ask Dean after we douse them in salt and gasoline

"Knock yourself out" He shrugs and hands me the book. As I drop in the matches and the bodies ignite, I realize that these innocent people who are now dead because they got tangled up in this horrible web of paranormal misadventures are at peace. The two survivors will go through a lifetime of pain and suffering from the aftermath of what happened to them, the ones who are dead now are probably some place better now. My brother won't have the same luck, when he dies he's looking forward to an eternity of torture and pain.

"Evan" Sam calls me back to attention

"Come on, quit daydreaming. It's time to get this show on the road" Dean says. Sam is visibly upset and I know I've missed something between them. I climb into the backseat of the Impala and strap in when I notice that Bobby left without taking me with him.

"Where are we going next?" I ask hanging over the front seat


	5. I Won't Let You Down

The blonde girl is some demon named Ruby and she says she can help Dean. Dean doesn't like the idea of trusting a demon but Sam says she can help. I'm with Sam on this one but I don't get in the middle of their late night squabbling, I'm just happy to be allowed to tag along. Dad's phone rings in the glove compartment of the car, Sam answers it and finds out that someone broke into one of Dad's storage units outside of Buffalo. That's where we go.

"Whoa, spooky" I say and shine my flashlight around the smoggy old room

"Watch your step" Dean cautions and shines a light on the trip wire at the entrance. I step carefully over the wire and walk past the devil's trap and blood on the ground. Sam finds an old soccer trophy and Dean finds a shotgun he made in shop class in sixth grade. I scan the room frantically for something Dad kept of mine and then I see it.

"Wow!" I gasp and hold the wooden Popsicle stick picture frame I made in first grade under the flashlight. The picture inside almost brings tears to my eyes. He's standing with his arm around me and I'm in my pajamas opening a cardboard box. Christmas time. I slip the picture from the frame and slip it into my pocket. It's the only picture I own.

"Sam, you think you can teach me to play soccer sometime?" I ask and follow my brothers into another part of the room

"Soccer?" Dean snorts, "Dude, stick to baseball. Chicks love baseball; you've got Jeter, A-Rod, Babe Ruth, Clemens, name one famous soccer player"

"Okay" Sam rolls his eyes, "David Beckham"

Dean pauses in thought "One more"

"Guys look" Sam says shining his flashlight on one of Dad's shelves. "A curse box is missing"

* * *

Bela Talbot's name was Kary when we first met her in the diner. I didn't think much of her back then, to me she was just a clumsy waitress making goo-goo eyes at Sam while my brothers eye-banged her into next week. I was more interested in my chocolate malt, which was quickly becoming my favorite diner food. I wish I had paid more attention to her back then, maybe I could have caught her as she pickpocketed Dad's lucky rabbit's foot right out Sam's coat pocket. Dean left me to watch out for him and make sure that he stayed out of trouble while he tracked down Bela.

"Don't worry, Sam" I say once Dean is gone, "I'll take care of you. Nothing's going to get you while I'm around"

"Thanks Evan."

"Hey Sam" I say as I take a seat on the bed next to him, "do you ever miss your powers?"

"No" Sam says, "It was more of a curse than anything"

"I don't think it was a curse. You were like a super hero. I wish I had powers"

Sam smiles at me and I smile back.

"You think Dean's going to get the foot back soon?" I ask

"You know Dean, he won't leave without it"

"You think he's going to shoot her in the head?"

Sam frowns at me "No" he leans forward towards me, "Evan, why would you ask that?"

I shrug, "She stole from us"

"And you think that's a good reason to kill someone?" He squints incredulously at me and I start to feel like I've said something wrong, "Evan, you don't kill somebody just because they get you upset"

"She could get you killed!" I say defensively, "After everything that we've been through she could just walk right over and take you away again and then I'd be-" I stop when I realize that I'm shouting. I look down at the ground and compose myself

"You'd be what, Evan?" Sam asks softly and I lift my head

"I'd be alone" I sigh, "Dad's gone, Dean's… and then you?"

Sam puts a hand on mine "I know you're scared. You've been through a lot recently but listen to me" He looks directly into my eyes, "Dean's not going anywhere and neither am I, we're going to save Dean."

I smile a little and he smiles back. "I'm glad you're back, Sam"

"Me too"

I hear my stomach start to gurgle and I realize that I should've ordered something than a drink for breakfast.

"Hungry?" Sam laughs

"A little" I admit

"There's a vending machine a block down"

"I can't leave you." I say dutifully

"I think I'll be fine for five minutes" Sam scoffs and my stomach gurgles again

"Okay. Five minutes" I say rushing to the door. "Don't move!"

I had just brought two dollars worth of candy from the machine when I saw the poor thing hopping around the parking lot trapped in one of those plastic rings that keep six packs of cola together. I dropped everything I was holding to go help the bird, moving quickly to hold it still and one hand and cut it loose with my pocket knife with the other hand. That's when I noticed that the poor guy was bleeding from its right wing and neck.

"Oh no" I whispered as it struggled half-heartedly to free itself from my grasp.

"I'll save you little guy." I say as I quickly shrug off my over shirt and wrap it around the bird. It twitters in distress but I hold it close to my chest. I reach into the pocket of the over shirt and take out the miniature first aid kit that Sam gave me a few weeks ago after a hunt. There has to be something in here that I can use to help. I rifle through the box with one hand and pull out some antibiotic ointment. It isn't easy but I manage to rub some of it on the bird's wounds with enough to spare for me later to patch up the cuts I'm getting while handling the distressed animal. Afterwards I wrap a small bandage around loosely its neck and wing. The bird is completely disoriented when I let it out of my now filthy shirt. I decide that maybe I should keep him a while longer until he's healthy enough to be on his own without bandages. I hope Dean lets me. I gather up the almost completely immobilized bird in my shirt again, grab the snacks and walk back to the motel room. The Impala is parked outside of it. How long was I gone? Judging by the darkened sky, I'd guess a few hours. I open the door and see Dean untying Sam from a chair. Sam is bleeding from his nose and there are two unconscious men laying on the floor.

"What happened?" I gape

"I was about to ask the same thing" Dean shot back at me

"Some of Gordon's henchmen came to get me." Sam says

The name is familiar but I don't remember who he is. I don't ask.

"You're kidding me." I groan

"So I'll ask again, what happened?" Dean says at me

"It's not his fault, Dean" Sam says, "it's better that he wasn't here"

"I'm sorry" I mumble flushed overwhelmed with guilt and embarrassment

"What's in your shirt?" Dean asks as he and Sam gather their things quickly from the room

"A bird" I mutter

"A what?"

"It's a bird. He was stuck in plastic and he needed help. He was hurt." I explain as we rush to the car

"That's not coming in my car" Dean says

"But Dean-"

"But nothing. I'm not letting a bird in the car so it can crap all over the place. It stinks and could be carrying a disease"

"It's not! I promise!" I beg

"No, Evan. Now come on"

"No" I say, standing firm outside of the car, "I'm not leaving him behind"

"Yes you are, let's go" Dean orders

"No, I'm not!"

Dean storms over and for a second I think he's going to grab me and throw me into the car but instead he snatches the shirt right out of my hand

"No! Dean! Wait, give him back!" I cry and chase after him as he walks but he doesn't slow down. He walks into the main office and puts the bird on the table

"Hi, we found this bird out in the parking lot in pretty bad shape. We patched him up a bit but he should probably see a vet" Dean says to the receptionist

"Oh my goodness" She pouts, "The poor thing. My brother is a vet and he's home for the weekend. I'm sure he'll fix him up in no time"

"Thank you" Dean winks and walks out again

"Wow" I say, "how lucky is that?"

Dean holds up the rabbit's foot and whistles, "that's why we have to hurry. Let's go" He says and climbs into the front seat. I hop into the back and strap in.

* * *

I was unarmed in the cemetery where we burned the rabbit's foot. It was a good thing too because I probably would have killed Bela after she shot Sam but Dean had a better idea and tricked her into holding it so she would have to destroy it.

"Oh don't go away angry, just go away" He says to her. He's annoyed with her but I can tell he likes her.

"Have a nice night, boys" She smirks and walks away

"Are you okay, Sam?" I ask

"I'll live" He says

"Oh, I almost forgot about the scratch tickets!" Dean says reaching into his pockets before pausing in his tracks. Bela's car drives by and honks.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean cries out and Sam smiles.

"She took them?" I gape

"She's a pickpocket, she picked my… pocket" Dean grumbles angrily. I don't see why Sam thinks it's funny until it dawns on me that he probably likes her too. I roll my eyes.

It's not the last we see of her, but when she shows up again I keep my distance from her. Sam and Dean like to handle her all on their own so I don't get mixed up in their games. When they're away handling the Hand of Glory incident, I'm on the phone with Bobby trying to figure out how to save Dean.

"That faith healer was a fluke." He says, "and even if it wasn't, the woman had a grim reaper bound to her. She was killing innocent people too"

"But she saved Dean"

"The ends don't always justify the means, Evan." He tells me. I can tell I'm upsetting and confusing him

"But what if there's a way to save Dean without trading a life, is that possible?"

"Kid, we are not going to mess with grim reapers"

"Why not?" I plead, "It's worth a try isn't it?"

The line was silent.

"Please Bobby"

"Evan" He sighs, "why don't you just take a night off? Watch some baseball, read a book, and relax for a little"

"I can't, Bobby. Dean is going to die unless I save him" I whimper

"Evan-"

"I can't let him down!" I cry out, "what if I don't find a way to save him?"

After a few seconds he speaks again "No one expects you to, son"

I slump down in my chair and rest my forehead on the old wooden table

"Your brothers still gone?"

"Yeah" I sulk, "Bela saw the ship so they're going to save her"

"Have Sam call me when he gets in"

"Okay"

"Go watch some TV or something, okay?"

"Yeah okay" I say and hang up. There isn't a television in this big old empty house that we've been squatting in. I slip Sam's computer out of his bag and set it down on the table. Thankfully, we always seem to have an Internet connection wherever we go. I browse the web for an almost an hour but I don't find anything, I hardly know what I'm looking for. I'm not great with research like Sam is. I clear out the history and put Sam's laptop back just as Sam and Dean walk in. They're drenched.

"Have fun saving your girlfriend?" I ask the both of them

Sam grimaces at me and takes off his sopping shirt.

"Yeah, it was awesome" Dean says sarcastically, "what are you doing up anyway, I thought you'd be knocked out by now"

"Dean, I'm thirteen, not three" I huff

"Did we miss any calls?" Sam asks

"Nope. No calls" I shrug, "can we leave early tomorrow morning? I want to wake up in time to get breakfast"

Dean nods and stroll off towards a bed for the night.

* * *

If I had forgotten who Gordon Walker was, I was quickly reminded shortly after we started on our next case. He was a deranged lunatic gunning for Sam who with the help of the ever-charming Bela, tracked down our location. That was the first time I ever heard Dean threaten a human's life and mean it. Bela must have known that he meant it too because she called back quickly to redeem herself by spilling the details of Gordon's location. When Sam and Dean came back from checking it out, they told me that Gordon had been turned by a vampire and left again without me. I missed all the action but Dean tells me that Sam took the vamps head off with barbed wire. I'm so impressed with him that I give him a high five. That night I have a nightmare. I'm a bird with a broken wing with a ring of barbed wire around my neck. A boy walks over to me and picks me up.

"Don't worry little guy." The boy says, "I'll take care of you" and then he grabs the wire with one hand and twists it. I try to struggle and break free but he's too strong and my body becomes drenched with my blood and the blood now pouring from his hand.

"I'll save you." The boy says and then my head pops off and I'm awake.

* * *

For as long as I could remember, I've never celebrated a Christmas. I'm sure that when my mother was alive she would do something special but I can't remember any of that now. I joined up with my Dad and my big brothers long after they had given up trying to celebrate the holiday so it never meant much to me. This year Dean is gung-ho about Christmas for some reason. He keeps talking about childhood memories that he and Sam had from long before I was even born. I've never felt so young.

"Dad was into Christmas?" I grin widely at the thought

"No" Sam says shortly

"Sure he was Sammy" Dean chortles, "remember when he came home with that wreath made of beer cans?"

"Yeah. Didn't he steal that from like, a liquor store?"

"Evan, and the eggnog" Dean rolled up his eyes and dropped his mouth for emphasis

"Wow! That good?" I say excitedly. I've never had eggnog but I've always been curious

"About as good as a gas station could provide" Sam scoffed

"Can we pick up eggnog this year?" I ask Dean

"Sure" He laughs and claps a hand on my back, "I'll whip it up the way Dad used to"

"Alright" Sam sighs, "dude, what are you like, Bing Crosby all of a sudden?"

"Why not?" Dean shrugs

"It's just… We haven't talked about Christmas in years"

"Well yeah" Dean says, "this is my last year"

His words hit me in the gut and suddenly I want to cry. I've never had a single Christmas that I could remember and suddenly the thought of it being Christmas without him next year makes me queasy. Sam says what I'm thinking. He doesn't want to celebrate either because of the same reason. Dean just nods and stops talking about it and suddenly I feel really guilty and selfish.

"Maybe we can still get some eggnog?" I ask laying a hand on Dean's leg

"No it's, uh… It's okay, Evan" Dean smiles sadly and gets up, "alright little guy, Sammy and I are going to go and finish up here. You sit tight until we get back"

"Okay" I say. I don't give him a hard time about being left behind this time and when they leave, I turn on the television so I watch the Christmas specials. After a few movies I doze off on the couch and I don't wake up again until Sam comes in the front door alone.

"Where's Dean?" I ask groggily

"Beer run and gas" Sam says quickly chucking his sweater on the floor, "come on we have to hurry"

"What's going on?"

"Dean wants Christmas" Sam says, "let's give him his wish"

A wide smile stretches across my face and I hop off the couch. "What should I do?"

"Put your shoes on, we have to run to the drug store"

By the time Dean got back with the beer, Sam and I had decorated the room from wall to wall with decorations. The tree was small and we put it on the television, Sam hung car fresheners on it like ornaments, I put the lights on it and taped the "Merry Christmas" Banner to the wall. Sam emptied the carton of eggnog into some cups and uncapped a bottle of whiskey.

"There's alcohol in it?" I asked hanging over his arm while he poured

"Not in yours" He laughed

"Oh come on Sam! It's Christmas!"

"And you're thirteen"

"But"

"And I remember what happened to you the last time you drank"

"But!"

"Here" He says handing me my untouched glass of eggnog. I pout heavily and a part of me wants to moan and complain but I don't. Dean comes in as Sam finishes up with the drinks

"Whoa, what's all this?" Dean asks

"Surprise" I shout

"It's Christmas" Sam says

"What made you change your mind?"

Sam doesn't answer and hands him a glass of eggnog "Try the eggnog"

"I want to taste some." I say to Dean as he coughs

"I don't know little guy, this stuff is pretty strong" He says, "Why don't you two sit down. I got something for you"

Dean gives Sam nude magazines and shaving cream and he gives me a dashboard bobble-head figure of a baseball player. Sam gives Dean a candy bar and car oil, and he gives me a bag of extra buttery popcorn and sports magazine. I'm glad that I was on their wavelength with the present idea and I give each of them some toy trucks that I stole from the drug store. I hope they look like the ones that Sam and Dean used to play with when they were growing up. As we touch our glasses together in a Christmas toast, it is the happiest moment of my life. Sam turns on a football game and we watch it together. Dean even lets me take a sip of his eggnog which I immediately regret as I'm thrown into a fit of uncontrollable coughing.

"You okay, there tiger?" Dean laughs and pats my back. Sam is smiling at me too and I manage to croak out "I'm okay"

"You'll be fine" Dean chuckles and I sit back in between my two brothers and enjoy my first and last memorable Christmas.


	6. I'm Learning From My Mistakes

This time, I was the one who volunteered to stay behind. My brothers were on that kid Jeremy's tail for trying to kill Bobby and to take him out before he took them out first. I sat in a lounge chair in the motel room with the newspaper Dean was reading in one hand and a shotgun across my lap… Just in case. I chew on the butt of my pen and think of a seven-letter word for coward. That's when I hear a soft click from the door. I freeze for a moment before jumping out of my chair and crouching down behind it out of sight, shotgun in hand. The doorknob twists lightly and the door opens a crack. I poise my gun gently in the intruder's direction but remain out of sight, that's when I see her. Bela slips into the room and checks around. She has a gun in her hand but quickly packs it into her purse before starting to the back of the room towards the safe. I step out of my hiding space when she has her hand on the dial and I cock off the safety.

"Freeze bitch." I hiss at her with my gun aimed at her chest

She spins around in shock and raises her hands in the air "Oh! I didn't realize anyone was here" She smiles brightly at me

"Guess you're not as smart as you think you are" I counter

She grins fondly at me as though I amuse her. It's irritating. "Evan is it?"

"You know who I am. What the hell do you think you're doing in here?"

"Did anyone ever tell you, that you sound an awful lot like your big brother Dean?"

"Shoot like him too" I squint, "You have about thirty seconds to tell me why I shouldn't blast a hole right through your chest"

"What are you, like twelve" She frowns

"Thirteen going on fourteen"

"Ah" Bela nods, "The littlest Winchester boy"

"You're running out of time"

"Okay, how about because if you do, someone will hear the gunshot and you'll be taken away in cuffs and slammed away before your brothers even know that you're missing"

I consider it for a moment and smirk "Not good enough"

"Okay Evan, you drive a hard bargain"

I smile proudly but don't lower my gun. I place my finger on the trigger.

"Have you ever killed a person before, Evan?"

"I've killed lots of things"

"I'm sure you have. But have you ever killed a human being before? It's quite different. Taking away a life from a flesh and blood human being. Listening to the cracking of their bones as a bullet smashes through them, watching the life drain from their eyes as they lie there swimming in a pool of their own blood. Can you deal with the visions and nightmares? Those images will never leave you, I can promise you that"

"You sound like you've had experience with killing"

"I've had more experience than you can imagine"

"I can imagine a lot"

Bela smiles again "I'm sure you can. What would your brothers think? They don't kill people out of cold blood. They're vigilantes sure, but for monsters"

"Some of the most dangerous monsters are human." I say. I think I heard that on a television show and I'm thrilled to be able to use it. I feel so grown up and witty. And powerful…

"You're a smart boy"

"That's what the last monster I met said" I lie. There have been plenty of monsters after yellow-eyes but now I feel like I'm in a dramatic movie scene so I try to keep up the sharp comments

"How about we make a little deal?" She shrugs, "you let me have the colt and let me leave here alive, and I'll give you and your brothers 3 million dollars. How does that sound?"

I laugh out loud "Are you kidding me? I'm not selling you the colt"

"You can do a lot with 3 million dollars"

"I said no. My whole family almost died to get that gun, it's not for sale"

"Your whole family?" She asks with a cock of her head, "even your mother?"

I tighten my grip on the gun.

"I'm guessing by your features that you're a half-brother? Your mother didn't die in a fire did she?"

"I wouldn't start talking about my mom if I were you" I was angry and protective over a woman who I had no recollection of. Maybe it was just the principle of it.

"I can help you" She smiled, "it's what I do… aside from stealing. I connect people with their lost loved ones. Isn't there anything you'd like to say to her? Anything you'd like to ask?"

Yes, of course. Starting with how she died since I've never been brave enough to ask my Dad and now it's too late.

"Give me the colt and I'll give you what you want." She says

I notice that I had lowered my gun slightly and I quickly reposition it "How about this instead, you shut up and I'll let you leave with your skull in one piece"

"Fair enough" She nods and adjusts the purse strap on her shoulder. She walks past me and gives a finger twiddle of a wave goodbye and leaves. I shut the door behind her, tuck the shotgun under my arm, and check the safe. The colt is still there. I close and lock the door again.

* * *

When Sam and Dean get back in I tell them what happens and Dean ruffles my hair so hard I stumble a little. It makes me feel like a little kid when he does that but he's so happy and proud of me that I can't help but to smile and blush. Sam gives me a high five and a pat on the back. I'm not sure whether he's happier that I saved the colt or didn't kill Bela but I'll take either. We lost it anyway a few days later; it was stolen right out of the Impala while we were sleeping. Sam thinks that Bela must have found a way to drug us when we stopped to eat or something because it takes a few days to shake it off. Dean is talking about shooting her on sight and normally I would agree but my mind is preoccupied with the note I found in my pocket the morning after the gun was stolen. Margaret Ann Kingsley, cause of death, stabbing.

"When I track her down" Dean is going on in the front seat

"We have to find her first." Sam says

"Well, she couldn't have gone far"

"You really believe that?"

"Guys" I say slumping over the front seat, "Did Dad ever talk to you about my Mom?"

"No. Why?"

"No reason" I sigh and sit back in my seat.

"I swear, Sammy. When I get my hands on that bitch-"

"Do you think we can not kill her when we find her?" I ask loudly over his ranting

"What?"

"You know. I just think that maybe we shouldn't kill her" I shrug

"Since when?"

"Yeah, Evan" Sam says, "I thought you hated Bela"

"I do hate her." I say honestly and debate whether or not I should tell them why I'm feeling so reluctant. "It's just that… I found this in my pocket" I say leaning forward again with the note. Sam takes it from me and reads it out loud.

"She gave this to you?"

"I found it in my pocket after I woke up"

"What's it say?" Dean asks peeking over

"Margaret Ann Kingsley, cause of death-stabbing" Sam reads, "Is that why you asked about your mom?"

I nod even though he can't see me since he's facing forward with his eyes on the paper.

"How does Bela know about your mom?" Dean asks suspiciously

"I don't know but she got her name right. That's something right?" I say

"Do you know how easy it is to get a name?" He quickly rebuffs, "You know what I think? I think she's trying to get inside of your head so we don't off her. Playing one of her manipulative games"

"But what if she knows something that we don't" I whine

"I don't buy it" Dean mutters, "plus, there's nothing she knows that we can't find out for ourselves"

I just say okay and drop it. I don't want to make it a big deal when we already have so much on our plates trying to get the colt back and Dean out of his deal. I think about my mother for the next couple of days and try my hardest to recall even a shred of memory, a smile, a laugh, a smell, but no matter how hard I willed the images into my mind I was still left with the same empty nothingness where I began. All I had left were my eyes, which I knew, were blue just like my mother's. My focus changed again, though when Dean died unexpectedly one night on a hunt when we were investigating a "mystery spot" in a town where some guy went missing. The owner of the cheesy funhouse knockoff blew a hole right through my oldest brother in front of my eyes. Blood splatter speckled my lips and eyelids and Dean laid on the ground dying. While Sam ordered Dean's murderer to call an ambulance, and cradled Dean in his arms, I remembered what Bela had said about the difference between a human and a monster dying in front of your eyes. The sound of the gunshot was still ringing loudly in my ears as Sam begged Dean not to leave us like this, and even though it was all erased by the next morning, I would never forget the blood.

Dean died a hundred times on a single Tuesday that kept replaying from the sound of that Asia song Dean loved so much. For as long as I live, I've never been able to stomach that song again. For a year or two even hearing the song as I flipped through radio stations would make me physically ill. It was too much for me to take and I'll admit that I shut down. I just didn't understand why life would be so cruel to me as to torture me day after day with my brother's untimely death and reset the clock so I could watch it again. Thankfully, Sam was kept pulling me through day after day silently working things out in his head until one day he attacked a man on the street. Dean told him to relax but I knew there was a method to Sam's madness that I would never understand. Turns out that a trickster that my brothers thought they had killed was spinning Sam and I through a loop.

"Why?" I demand through my teeth.

"This wasn't about you kid"

"He's my brother too!"

The trickster promised to let us out of the time warp but Dean just died again the next day and then he didn't come back the next morning. I was a zombie while Sam dragged me from place to place tracking down the trickster again. We hardly spoke for six months, he operated mechanically like a robot and I followed mindlessly like a dumb dog. I cried at night. Sam didn't hear me and if he did he didn't mention it. I soon lost track of all the places he took me until we hit the "Mystery Spot" again.

"What are we doing here?" I shiver, "Sam, I don't want to be here. Can we please go?"

Sam suddenly puts his hand on the back of my head and then in a quick change of pace he strokes my hair.

"Sam?" I ask in bewilderment and he grabs my face, pulls it close and kisses my forehead.

"Sam, you're scaring me" I say stunned

"Follow my lead" He says and exits the car. I obey and follow Sam closely. I know I'm thirteen, I feel an urge to hold his hand like a small child. I shove my hands into my pockets instead.

Bobby is kneeling on the floor with his back turned to us when we get in. I start forward to hug him but Sam reaches an arm out and puts a hand on my chest before I can take more than one step forward. I look at him in bewilderment but I don't say a word. Sam takes a step forward and I stay in my place. Bobby stands and turns around to face us.

"It's good to see you, boys" He says

"What are we doing here, Bobby" Sam says coldly

'Well, it's the last place we're sure the Trickster worked his magic."

"So?"

"I found a summoning ritual to bring the Trickster here"

My heart leaps and I gasp out loud. Sam's face remains deadpan.

"What do we need?" He asks

"Blood"

"How much blood?"

"Ritual says near a gallon. And it's gotta be fresh, too"

"Meaning we have to bleed a person dry" Sam says with a flick of an eyebrow

I'm ecstatic now. We should have answered Bobby earlier.

"And it's gotta be tonight. Or not for another fifty years." Bobby continues gravely

"Then let's go get some" Sam says and turns to leave. I'm already at the door when suddenly Sam stops and turns around. Bobby hasn't moved from his spot and I cannot imagine a reason why he's dragging his feet when we're so close to saving Dean.

"You break my heart, kid" He says to Sam as though I'm invisible

"What?"

"I'm not gonna let you murder an innocent man"

"Then why'd you bring me here?" Sam snaps

"Why?" Bobby stares at us incredulously "because it was the only way you'd see me!" He shouts

"Because I'm trying to knock some sense into you! Because you've kidnapped your little brother and threw him into this madness! Because I thought you'd back down from killing a man!"

"Well, you thought wrong." Sam shrugs "leave the stuff, we'll do it ourselves".

"Come on, Bobby" I urge, "this is the only way to save, Dean"

"You're just a kid, son. This is what you want to start doing? Killing innocent people?"

"I'll do whatever it takes, Bobby" I frown

"It's none of your damn business what we do" Sam glares at him

"You want your brother back so bad?" He asks, "Fine." Bobby takes a knife from his bag on the ground and holds it out to Sam.

"Bobby, what do you think you're doing?" I gape

"Better me than a civilian"

"I'm not killing you, Bobby" Sam says

"Look, Sam, I'm old, I'm coming near the end of my trail. But you can keep fighting. Saving folk. But you need your brother. Let me get him back to you. You boys are the closest thing I have to family. I want to do this"

Sam takes the knife from his hands and I hold my breath.

"Okay"

"Okay?" I ask Sam

"Good" Bobby says before turning around and bowing down to his knees.

"Do it, son"

Sam pulls a wooden stake out of his shirt "Yeah, okay Bobby. But you wanna know why?"

In a swift movement that I cannot even process, Sam grabs Bobby by the throat and stabs him through the back with the stake. I feel faint.

"Because you're not Bobby" Sam hisses and lets Bobby collapse face first onto the ground.

"Oh man, Sam! Oh man! What did you do?" I scream

"Bobby?" Sam calls out to Bobby's dead body "Bobby?"

"You just killed him, he can't hear you!" I shout at him and then Bobby vanishes right before my eyes. Sam was right. It wasn't Bobby and the Trickster appeared out of nowhere. Sam begs him to bring back Dean; it's an alarming change of attitude from the past couple of months from superhuman machine to this. The trickster doesn't seem phased by Sam's pleas and for a moment, I feel like we've lost. And then it's Wednesday again. Dean is ambushed by hugs and he makes a few lighthearted jokes before we're headed out again. I have lost both of my brothers and got both of them back. I know I can't lose either one of them again.


	7. Don't Leave Me Here

I am fourteen and time is up. We managed to track down Bela but the she sold the colt before we got there. It's my fault. I should have shot her when I had the chance, then maybe we could have had enough time to track down this demon and who was holding Dean's deal and kill it. Now the colt is gone and Bela's gone, dragged to hell herself over some deal she made years ago to kill her parents, and we have one day to try and save Dean without the colt. It doesn't occur to me until later that I've also lost the only lead I had on my mother's death. Sam summons Ruby and she tells him that he still has psychic powers. She wants him to use it to kill Lilith, the demon with Dean's contract. Dean doesn't give it a second thought. Before long Sam, Dean, Bobby and me are on the road to where Lilith is staying with the knife Dean stole from Ruby. Even as we drive with the music blasting, Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" with Sam and Dean singing in the front seat, I can't let myself relax for a moment.

"Come on, Evan. I can't hear you" Dean roars over the music. I just cross my arms and look out of the window. After a while Dean gives up trying to include me. I feel bad but I can't pretend like everything is okay. Not when I'm so close to losing him forever. Time slips away faster and faster it seems as we maneuver ourselves into the house. Somehow, Ruby has escaped the devil's trap that Dean had stuck her in. Dean doesn't trust her so neither do I, but I am glad to have her helping us. We could use all the help we can get.

Somehow even with her help, every attempt we make to save Dean's life, every single thing we try isn't enough. As the first stroke of twelve chimes, my comes to an end.

"Remember what I taught you." He says to Sam, "Remember what Dad taught you"

"No, Dean" I cry and he pulls me close

"Be brave for me okay, little guy? Be strong?" Tears are falling from his eyes and I clutch tighter on to him

"Dean, please! Please don't go!"

"Evan" Sam sniffles and pulls me gently away

The clock chimes again and we hear the hounds howl. Dean spots one and we make a run for it and lock ourselves inside of a room. That's where we find out that we trapped ourselves in a room with Lilith posing as Ruby. As I'm thrown against and pinned to the wall, I'm sure that I'm going to die along with both of my brothers. I'm ready. She walks over to me in slow creepy steps.

"This was unexpected." She practically sings

"Just do it" I hiss at her, "do it, please"

"Hey!" Sam yells at her, "It's me you want right? Let my brothers go"

Lilith turns swiftly towards him

"Silly goose. You wanna bargain, you have to have something that I want. You don't" "So, is this your big plan, huh?" Dean grunts Drag me to hell. Kill my brothers. And then what? Become queen bitch?"

"I don't have to answer to puppy chow" She says darkly and walks over to the door. I shut my eyes tight

"Sic 'em boys" She sings and I hear my brother being torn to shreds by hellhounds. For the third consecutive year, someone I love dies and there is nothing I can do to stop it. And this time, there is no bargaining, there are no answers, and there is no turning back.

* * *

Sam didn't hide his tears when we burned Dean's body. He put his arm around me and everything, and then he vowed to make it right.

"How?" I ask through my sobs, "You're not going to make a deal are you?"

"No. I'll just-I'll find a way"

"What are we supposed to do now, Sam? What do we do?"

Sam rubs my shoulder "We get him back"

* * *

Sam and I move into an abandoned house. We stock up on foods and drinks that don't need refrigeration. It's mostly canned foods, bread, water, and a lot of alcohol. Most of the time, Sam just sits in the large armchair in the backroom by the window with a bottle in his hand and stares off into space. Each day just seems to disappear into the next and before long our food supply dwindles away to a few cans of corn and baked beans. I shake the remaining droplets from the last water gallon on my tongue. We're out of that too now.

"Sam?" I ask softly as I walk over to his chair. He doesn't answer.

"Sam, we're out of food and I was wondering if maybe we should call Bobby back…"

Sam looks over at me and I'm not sure whether he's disgusted by me or just really drunk. It's probably both but I'd rather blame the alcohol.

"Maybe he can help us out." I continue and quickly grab the falling whiskey bottle from his hand as it drops from his loose grip

"Go away, Evan" He grumbles bitterly. I know he's drunk and he doesn't mean it, but I'm so hurt by his words and demeanor that I can't stand it.

"Sam. Wha-what are you doing?" I tremble in anger, "What are you doing? What happened to finding a way to save Dean?"

Sam shoots up from his seat and almost tips over, but when he straightens himself out, I realize for the first time how much bigger he is than me.

"What am I doing to save Dean? Do you have any idea what I do while you're tucked in at night in your little bed dreaming the night away?" His speech is slurred and he sways when makes large exaggerated movements with his enormous arms.

"I'm out there." He says pointing out of the window, "working as hard as I can to bring him back. That's what I'm doing. Okay?"

"Where do you go?" I ask, struck with horror that he may be making the same mistake. Sam's jaw clenches and I close my eyes.

"Sam" When I open my eyes he looks like he's going to cry, "Sam! You promised!" I shriek

"You want him back don't you?" He yells back at me. His voice is booming and dripping with liquor

"I don't want to lose you again! Sam, I can't keep watching everyone die. Sam, I love you. Don't you think this is hard for me too?"

Sam looks away but not in time to hide the tear that rolled down his face.

"Sam, please. You and-and Dean; you keep killing yourselves for each other but you never think about me. Stop it. Please?"

Sam sniffles loudly but he doesn't turn back to look at me.

"I miss him too." I whimper and then I leave him alone in the room. The room where I staying smells like mold and musk and the bed is too damp to lie on so I've been sleeping on the old wooden floor on some old shirts that I put down so I don't get splinters. I wipe my eyes with the back of my wrist and uncap the bottle of whiskey I took away from Sam and gulp down the liquid inside. It stings my nostrils and eyes but I feel the effects almost immediately. I don't realize that I passed out until I'm waking up the next morning. My head feels heavy and it hurts really badly, I want to go back to sleep but I have to check on Sam first. I leave the empty bottle on the ground and force myself out of the room.

"Sam?" I call out. The sound of my voice pierces through my head like a knife. I grab my forehead and call again, "Sam?"

The front door opens and Sam walks in with a duffle bag. At first I think he has groceries but I quickly remember that food doesn't come in bags like that.

"You're awake." He says in a clear sober voice

"Are we leaving again?" I ask pointing to the bag

"Uh… Yeah. Go get your stuff"

"Where are we going?"

Sam doesn't answer me he just looks away so I go upstairs and grab my things.

The car ride is quiet. Sam doesn't put on the radio; I think it reminds him of Dean. It reminds me of him too. I take my mp3 out of my pocket and attach it. Sam smiles at me a little and I smile back.

"Where are we going?"

"Uh… you remember Ellen, right?"

"No"

"The woman who had that bar over in Nebraska that burned down. She helped us out when the devil's gate was opened?"

"Oh yeah, I remember. She's the blonde lady. What about her?"

"She's been hunting with her daughter Jo for a while but she has a place over in Nevada now and she agreed to help us out"

"She's going to help us get Dean back?" I smile broadly and my heart leaps in my chest.

"She's going to help us out, yeah" Sam nods and clears his throat.

"Great. I knew I liked her"

Ellen's place was nice. It's been a long time since I've actually stepped into a house that wasn't dripping with cobwebs and falling apart from its hinges. Ellen greets us outside. She reaches for a hug from Sam and he gives her a half-hearted one-armed squeeze, I do the same.

"How was the trip?" She asks

"Good" He says

"Good" She nods and tucks a hair behind her ear. A few seconds pass and she claps her hands together, "Uh, Evan. I'm making cookies, do you like cookies?"

"Sure" I shrug

"I'm no cook so I may need a hand. They're in the oven. Will you do me a favor, hon and go check on them for me?"

I look back at Sam and he gives me a nod of approval and I go inside. I find the kitchen easily. There's a tray of uncooked cookie dough on top of the stove. I open the oven door and place them inside.

The kitchen is warm and sunny. Dean would like it in here. It's comfortable and nice. This place would be perfect conditions for eating massive loads of pie.

I walk back over to the front door and see Sam and Ellen still talking on the front porch. He pats her on the shoulder and starts back down the steps. That's when I see the duffle bag next to her feet. I run outside.

"Sam!" I yell after him as he shuts the driver's side door. I yank at the passenger door but it's locked so I bang on the window.

"Sam! Where are you going?"

"I'll-I'll be back Evan, I have to go now, okay?"

"Sam! Sam, don't leave me!"

"I have to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" He starts the engine and I pound on the window. I don't care if I have to break the window open to get in the car, I will. But he peels off without me. I chase after the car for as long as I can but I can't keep up with it. I watch Sam disappear into the distance.

My lungs are tight and I'm out of breath "Sam" I gasp through strained breaths.

Ellen pulls up next to me in her car and pushes the passenger door open. I climb inside and she takes me back to her house.


	8. Does It Get Better?

It's been so long since I've had a home cooked meal. I don't think I've ever had meatloaf in my life but it smells delicious. I poke a fork into the mashed potato volcano on my plate and more gravy spills from the pocket in the middle and pools into my peas. I'm starving but I won't eat for the principle of it. I don't belong here in this house eating meatloaf like some 1950's sitcom rerun. I belong with my brother. He was all I had left and he abandoned me here with this stranger.

"Come on" She smiles, "I know you must be hungry. You probably haven't had a decent meal in months"

"No, thank you" I say as politely as I can manage

"I know I said my cooking wasn't so good, but I didn't mean it was bad either" Ellen says with a friendly chuckle

"I'm not hungry. Thank you"

"Alright. Suit yourself" She picked up a napkin and wiped her face, "Boy, I'll tell you. Stubbornness runs strong in the Winchester family"

I put my fork down on my plate and look down at my fingers

"Alright" She sighs again, "How about I show you to your room and you can get some rest"

"When is Sam coming back for me?"

Ellen frowns sympathetically, "It may be a little while, Evan. I know you're going through a hard time, losing your brother and all but-"

"Did he say when he would call?" I interrupt sharply

"No, he didn't"

I've never felt so betrayed. I push the plate forward a few inches. I just want it away from me

"Your brother loves you, kid, very much. He just wants what's best for you"

What's best for me? This is what's best for me? Being left behind like I meant nothing is what's best for me? Tears sting my eyes but I won't let this lady see me cry. Not on her life.

"I'd like to go to sleep now please, I'm pretty tired"

"Sure" Ellen says with a smile

* * *

I drag my duffle bag up the stairs even though I can easily lift it over my shoulder. I just don't feel like making my life easier, plus I kind of want to annoy Ellen even though I don't know why. She's been nothing but nice since I met her. She opens a door in the middle of the hallway and flicks on a light. The walls are dark blue and there are knives and swords hanging on plaques from the walls. I thought Sam said Ellen had a daughter.

"This is Jo's room" Ellen says

"Your daughter's?" I ask numbly

"Yup. She hardly comes around anymore since she's always hunting so you can stay in here. There are a few drawers of empty space in that dresser over there" She says pointing to a dresser in the corner

"I'm good." I say lifting my bag up for her to see. What's the use in unpacking when Sam will be back any day to come and get me?

"Okay, hon. Well why don't you go on and settle in? There's a bathroom right through that door." She says pointing to a door on the wall. "I'll be downstairs if you need anything."

I nod and walk inside. She leaves the door open but I close it once I hear her reach the bottom of the steps and throw my bag down in the corner. I sit down on Jo's soft dry bed and feel instantly exhausted so I lay back and put my feet up. I don't bother to take my boots off and I drift off to sleep.

* * *

I shoot straight up out of my sleep drenched in sweat and out of breath. I run a hand through my wet hair and get out of the bed. My stomach is growling now; it actually aches with hunger. I check the blinking alarm on the bedside table and it tells me that it's 2:00 am; maybe Ellen is asleep by now and I can sneak some of that meatloaf. All the lights in the house are off so I make a move for it. I make it downstairs and into the kitchen without a sound and take out a plastic container with meat in it. I grab the soft meat with my fingers and stuff it into my mouth cold. It's so tender and delicious, is it beef? I've never had meat this soft before. I take a few more handfuls and cram my mouth full of food. I can hardly chew or swallow but I don't slow down. It goes down my throat in painful lumps and when my mouth is empty again I gasp for air. That's when I hear a noise behind me. I slam the door refrigerator door closed and spin around. Ellen puts her hands up defensively and I realize that I'm holding a knife from the counter.

"Whoa there, you're not going to slice me up in my own home now are you?"

"Sorry" I say and put the knife down on the counter, "I didn't think you were awake"

"I'm a light sleeper. It kind of comes with the gig" She smiles and crosses her arms, "you know you don't have to sneak around here. You're welcome to all the food here. And everything else for that matter"

I feel my cheeks get hot and I turn back to the refrigerator and put the food away.

"Couldn't sleep?" She asks

"I slept fine"

"I know we don't know each other that well, but my relationship with your family goes way back. I knew your Daddy"

"Oh yeah?" I ask without turning back to face her

"Yeah. And I know your brothers pretty well too. I know Sam. He wouldn't have dropped you off here if he had any other choice. You know that right?"

I don't answer her. Who does she think she is?

"Evan, your brother loves you very much. He needs some time to put himself back together so he can take care of you. You understand that right?"

"I understand that everybody here seems to forget that I lost my brother too." I say rounding on her. "I'm having a hard time too. I'm confused too. I need to get better too"

"Nobody's forgetting that Evan. Sam brought you here so you can get better."

"That's great Ms.…" I say rubbing my eyes

"Ellen. Just Ellen" She says

"Ms. Ellen" I say flatly, "I appreciate the pep talk but it's really late and I'd like to get to bed if you don't mind"

Ellen smirks and uncrosses her arms "You know, you're a lot like your brothers. Especially Dean"

I cringe at the sound of his name.

"Okay, you go get some sleep."

I flick a smile at her and start for the stairs

"Goodnight, kiddo"

"Night."

* * *

I spend the next few days locked in Jo's room making call after call to Sam's cellphone and leaving messages since it goes straight to voicemail each time. I only go downstairs to eat. Ellen tries to make casual conversation with me a lot but I keep it cordial. I won't be here long enough to make an effort of being friends. Then one morning just as I get out of the shower, I hear my cellphone ringing. I almost slip on the wet tiles as I run over but I manage to keep my balance and flip my phone open.

"Sam?"

"_Hey"_

"Where have you been? I've been trying to call you for like a week"

"_I've been… I've been pretty busy lately. A lot of stuff happened really fast"_

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"_Yeah. I'm fine. How are you?"_

"Sam, you've got to get me out of here"

"_Why, is Ellen being mean to you?"_ He asks obviously perplexed

"Well, no. She's real nice but Sam I don't belong here. Are you coming to get me soon?" I hold my breath waiting for his answer, which takes forever

"_I can't yet, Evan. I'm on to something really big right now"_

"A lead on Dean? I can help. Take me with you! I can help"

"_Evan-"_

"Or not, I won't get in your way. I can stay in the motels like I used to"

"_Evan" _

"Why not?" I shout

"_Because it's still too dangerous right now. I need time"_

"How much time?"

"_I don't know yet."_ Sam sighs, _"I'll call you"_

"When?"

"_When I get the chance. Be nice to Ellen, okay? Be good"_

"Yeah. You be good too, Sam" I say and the line goes dead. I have a bad feeling about this but it might just be because I know he's not coming back to get me as soon as I thought. I throw my phone hard against the wall and it makes a loud cracking noise. When I see it, the screen is broken. I slip it into my back pocket and thump downstairs because I don't feel like being alone.

I see that Ellen is in a black dress and standing by the front door.

"Where are you going?" I ask her

"Oh. I left a note. A friend of mine just passed and I'm going to pay my respects. Lunch is in the fridge" She says and pulls the door open

"Wait"

She pauses and turns to me "Why? What's the matter?"

"Can I come?"

"You want to come to a funeral?" Ellen chuckles a little

"I've never been to one" I shrug.

"I've never been to one" I shrug and it's true except for my mother's but that doesn't count.

"Alright. Well, do you have something black to wear?"

"In my duffle I have a black suit"

"Well hurry, go get it on" Ellen laughs

* * *

The weather is so nice that it seems dumb to waste it on a funeral. The breeze laps gently through my hair and I'm glad we're outdoors. I gaze around at all the sobbing faces and stoic ones, wondering who this person's closest family is. The big blown up picture is of dark haired brown-eyed man with pale skin. I scan what I can see of the front row for a woman or a man crying exceptionally hard and that's when I see her. A young girl, my age or older holding a white flower; her head was down underneath one of those black hats with a black net over the eyes that I thought were only worn in movies. Her long dark brown hair was flowing gently on the wind. I wonder what it would feel like to run my fingers through it. She's beautiful. Her pink lips were puckered out slightly and I close my eyes and imagine myself tasting them. Sweet strawberries. Everyone stands, the casket is lowered, and Ellen walks over to the girl. I stay in my seat and watch. The girl nods and bows her head and Ellen moves to another group of adults; an older couple. I watch the girl drop the flower into the hole and shovel some dirt into it. She's barraged by people giving her hugs and condolences, which she accepts with a nod and thanks before she's escorted away by the couple Ellen was talking with.

"You up for more?" Ellen asks me snapping me into attention, "there's a small get together at Rick's brother's house and some close family and friends are going to be there"

"Okay" I say and look to see if the girl is still there but she isn't

"Okay" Ellen says and we start back to the car

"Is Rick the guy who died?" I ask on the ride over

"Yeah. He was a hunter too"

"A hunter? Why did they bury him?"

"The funeral was for his relatives" Ellen explained, "His daughter probably had a pyre for him last night. Poor kid. She lost her Mama and Daddy too." She clucks

"Like me" I say, "was her mom a hunter?"

"Yup"

"What's her name? Not her mom. I mean the girl"

"Haydn" Ellen says and looks over at me briefly, "why?"

"I'm crashing her party, I might as well know her name"

Ellen gives me another uneasy look "This isn't exactly a party, Evan"

"Potato, potato" I say and pronouncing it differently both times

"Evan, I mean it. She's real broken up about this"  
"Why wouldn't she be? Her dad just croaked"

Ellen pulls over to the side of a house and turns off the ignition "Try to be sensitive when we get in there. Please?"

"Didn't anyone ever tell you?" I say and open my door, "I'm the sensitive one. Ask anybody."

* * *

This guy must have the largest and closest family in the world because the house was crawling with people. Ellen reaches out for me but I pretend not to notice and quickly weave myself though the crowd away from her. Women and men bump into me and push past me with paper plates full of macaroni salad and glazed ham. Children run around my feet and knock into each other with no regard for anyone around them. I'm too occupied to be irritated; I have to find Haydn.

"Hi" A woman says getting into my line of vision while I scope out the room

"Hello" I smile briefly and continue my search

"So how did you know Rick?" She asks

"He's an old family friend." I say

"Oh, I'm sorry" The woman sniffles

"Yes, we're real broken up about it"

"We all are sweetie, I just feel so sorry for his daughter being an orphan now and all" suddenly, she has my full attention

"Where is she?" I ask a little too excitedly, "I mean, I want to give her my wishes"

"Oh, now isn't a good time. I think she went to her bedroom" The woman says and gives a quick nod down the hall

"Of course" I smile politely. "If you'll please excuse me" I say and brush past her. There's an arch in the doorway that leads to a downstairs and I follow it through to a door at the bottom. I knock once but there isn't an answer so I take the switchblade from my belt and pick the lock. The door creaks open and I step inside. I see the back of Haydn's head from the large red couch she's sitting. I walk to her and sit down next to her. She jumps and nearly drops the bottle of vodka in her hand.

"Whoa! Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?" She gasps and moves away from me to the other side of the couch

"The door was open." I say

"Liar" She says and lifts the bottle to her lips and takes a sip, "who are you? I've never seen you before"

"I'm here with Ellen"

"I didn't think Ellen had a son"

"She doesn't. I'm not her son. Are you trying to get wasted?" I ask and she hands me the bottle. I take a large gulp and hand it back. I've never had vodka before but it takes awful. She laughs.

"Don't drink much?" She asks

"Not vodka"

"Who are you?"

"Evan" I smile

"Well Evan, not to be rude or anything but do you mind leaving? I kind of want to be alone"

"Aren't you?"

Haydn takes another swig from the bottle.

"If you don't slow down you're going throw up"

"What do you know" She grumbles and leans back against the armrest, "Leave me alone; I'm mourning"

"Sucks your dad died"

"Thanks" She glares

"I mean it. It sucked when my dad died. My brother too"

"When did they die?" She asks and sits back up

"My dad died two years ago and my brother a couple of weeks ago"

"I'm sorry" Haydn frowns and leans forward towards me. Her breath reeks of liquor so strong I can almost taste it. I stand up and take a few steps away from her. Dean had a saying about hooking up with drunk girls when you're sober. "No".

"I should get going" I say to her. I'm so frustrated I feel like punching a wall.

"Wait, don't leave" Haydn groans, "I really don't want to be alone right now"

I sigh and run a hand down my face "neither do I, but I really have to go"

"Okay" She says and shuffles off the couch dropping her bottle on the way. I bend down and pick it up before it all spills out and she runs to a shelf and then back to me. "Give me your hand." She says

"Why?"

"Give me your hand" She repeats and grabs my hand and faces it palm up.

"What are you doing?" I demand as she scribbles my hand with a sharpie and then drops my hand.

"Bye"

She's so beautiful I want to grab her face and kiss her. "Bye" I say and run out of the room and back up stairs.

"Evan" Ellen calls out, "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes"

* * *

When we get back to the house I run up the stairs to Jo's room and shut the door. I look down at my palm. It says "Haydn" and has a phone number underneath it. I quickly add it to my phone and lay back down on the bed.

"Haydn" I whisper out loud. I sure do hope she remembers she gave it to me. Maybe she won't. Maybe I shouldn't call.

"I got a number, Dean" I say out loud. "She gave me her number". He'd be proud of me. I know it. Somehow knowing that he'd be proud of me makes me cry again. I cry myself to sleep and wonder if things ever get better.


	9. I Try To Behave

Sam doesn't call. I used to check every few hours but after five weeks of silence, I turn my phone off and zipped it up in my duffle bag. I've been at Ellen's for almost two months now and I haven't left the house since the funeral. I wonder how that girl is getting along now; she's probably as miserable as I am right now. I know that it's wrong, but I find that thought comforting. I hear the microwave chime from downstairs and I know that Ellen just made a TV dinner. I hop down the stairs three at a time; maybe it isn't too late to convince her to cook something for me.

"Hey, where's the fire?" She says when I rush into the kitchen

"Is that dinner?" I ask with a quick nod towards her plastic tray of mashed potatoes, corn, and some kind of meat.

"Is for me. Why, you want one? There's some in the freezer if you'd like"

I heave a sad sigh and pout "Oh. I was kind of hoping that maybe we could've had spaghetti or something"

"Well, noodles are in the pantry" Ellen laughs at me, "I told you, you can help yourself"

"You make it best" I grumble

"Yeah right" She rolls her eyes, "with some practice, you'll be a chef like me someday"

"Ha-ha" I say sarcastically but offer a smile. Ellen is a sweet lady. When Sam comes and gets me, I'll tell him to bring me back for a visit every now and then.

"Did your brother call you?" She asks me right on cue and I drop my head. I definitely don't want to talk about it.

"He will" She assures with a quick pat on my back

"Yeah" I nod as the front door suddenly opens

"Mom, I'm home." A voice calls by the door. Ellen's eyes widen and she rushes out of the kitchen. I follow.

"Jo?"

"Hi, mom" The attractive blonde woman I've seen in pictures around the house says as she lets Ellen tuck her in a tight embrace.

"How was Chicago? You're back early"

"It was a piece of cake… Oh" Jo pauses in the middle of shuffling off her jacket and stares at me

"Oh" Ellen repeats and pulls me forward by my arm, "Evan, this is Jo. Jo, this is Evan Winchester. John's youngest boy"

"Hi, nice to meet you" Jo says with a mild smile and an outstretched hand

"Hi" I say and shake it. She's prettier than I imagined she would be; her ugly bedroom really threw me off.

"I'm real sorry to hear about your brother." She says. A twinkle of pain in her eye lets me know she's sincere. Dean never mentioned her before, I wonder if these two ever banged…

"Yeah" I say, unsure of what else to respond with

"Evan's staying in your room until Sam gets back" Ellen says to her, "you don't mind pulling out the sofa"

"No, I don't mind" Jo nods and hauls a bag over her shoulder

"Great. How long are you back for?"

"Few days, maybe more" Jo says, walks past us into the living room, and throws herself down on a large couch

"What are you doing?" Ellen frowns

"What do you mean?" She asks with a yawn

"Don't get too comfortable. I want you to take Evan around town a little bit. He hasn't left the house in weeks"

"Alright. Give me an hour"

Ellen leads me back into the kitchen and I sit down on the counter.

"I don't want to see the town." I say

Ellen pulls a bag of grapes from the refrigerator and smiles at me

"You've been inside this house for weeks. People are going to start thinking I'm keeping you hostage in here" She says and pops a grape into her mouth before tossing one at me. I lean over and catch it in my mouth.

"I don't care what people think" I say as I chew

"Don't talk with your mouth full" She clucks, "and get your butt off my counter while you're at it"

I roll my eyes and slid down. She offers me a piece of the grape vine and I take it and leave the room, plucking off two grapes at a time as I walk. I had grapes once before this from one of Sam' salads but I hated it back then. They aren't so bad now.

* * *

Jo doesn't wake up until 8pm and most places are already closed, but she takes me out anyway for ice cream despite my protests. Big Al's Ice Cream and Candy Dandy's parking lot is packed with cars and loitering teenagers.

"Relax, it's okay" Jo says gently to me as she pulls the key from the ignition.

"I am relaxed" I say and unwrap my fingers from the switchblade in my pocket. Big Al stares at me from the top of the building with a ridiculous grin covered in painted pink and white ice cream and rainbow colored sprinkles. There are red and white swirled lollipops sticking out a large plastic bowl filled with more painted ice cream and fudge. Who puts lollipops in ice cream? It's a stupid sign. I follow Jo into the overly lit florescent shop and I'm immediately engulfed in the sugary cold smell of frozen creams, sodas, and candy toppings. I do a quick scan of the topping options and there aren't any lollipops. I knew it. It's a stupid sign.

"Do you know what you want?" Jo asks me even though there are several people in front of us on line

I shake my head no and shrug.

"This is the best ice cream in town." She says as though that will magically guide me to a decision

"I'll have whatever you're having" I say and flash a quick smile. She squints at me for a second as though a thought just popped into her head but then she just turns her head back in the direction of the line. I shove my hands in my pockets and look down at the checkered red and white linoleum floor. This place is a little too bright and peppy for my taste and judging by Jo's bedroom, it isn't her style either. I don't know why she's putting us both through this. I rock back on my heels and look around at the tables. Everyone is either in a pair or in a group and nobody other than Jo looks like they're old enough to have graduated from high school yet.

"Here" Jo says and hands me a cup full of green ice cream balls and fudge with sprinkles.

"What's this?"

"Mint-pistachio. It's my favorite"

I grimace before I can stop myself and she smiles at me.

"At least try it before you hate it" She says and walks to the only empty table in the shop and sits down.

I take the seat across from her and sneer at my ice cream again.

"Try it" Jo says and takes a spoonful. I watch her in exaggerated disgust as she swallows what's in her mouth

I rake the tip of my spoon over the top of the mound and lift it to my mouth. Then my eyes flick to a corner of the shop a few rows down from us. There is a group of teenagers maybe a year or two older than me sitting around a small table. Most of them are laughing and eating but one of them is staring. I recognize her right away. Haydn. She's wearing a black tank top shirt and dark jeans.. There's makeup on her face today. Dark outlines around the ring of her top and bottom lashes that would have made her eyes grab my attention even if they weren't staring at me.

"Evan, your ice cream is dripping" Jo warns and I look down at my spoon just in time to catch the drizzling dessert in my mouth. Gross. It's even worse than it looks and I groan loudly at the flavor, but I swallow.

"It's not for everybody." Jo laughs

"Sorry" I laugh along a bit and turn my gaze back to Haydn. She giggles at me for a moment and then turns back to the group.

"So how long have you been staying at my Mom's?" Jo asks me

"Since summer started but I don't think I'll be there much longer. Sam should be coming to get me pretty soon" I say even though I'm starting to feel like Sam is never coming back for me

"How is he?" Her voice is grave and concerned. It irritates me. How do you think he is?

"He's… you know." I shrug and take another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth. I ignore the flavor; it's worth not having to talk for a few seconds. Haydn's group rises from their seats and starts out. I pretend not to notice and shovel more ice cream on my spoon when a soft hand lightly touches my arm. I look up and Haydn is smiling down at me.

"Hi" She says

"Hey" I smile

"Hi Jo" Haydn says with a quick glance over her shoulder

"Hi Haydn" Jo says politely

"Eric, right?" Haydn asks me

"Evan"

"You were at my dad's funeral with Ellen"

"Yeah, I was" I nod

"Yeah, I remember. You, uh-" Her face flushed and she pushed a hair behind her ear, "you broke into my room"

"The door was open"

"Liar" She smirks

"Haydn, I wasn't in town when I heard about your dad but I'm sorry" Jo says, "Please give your family my condolences"

"Thank you, I will" Haydn says to Jo and then turns her attention back to me, "A few friends might be going to a thing tonight, wanna come?"

A big part of me wanted to say yes simply because of the way her dimple flirted in and out of her cheek when she smiled but then again, I'm not really the partying type. At least I think I'm not. I've never actually gone to a party before.

"Actually Jo is taking me around tonight so-"

"I don't mind" Jo shakes her head

"Great. Come on" Haydn grins and nods her head toward the doors

"I don't know any of those people." I protest

"I'll introduce you." She says with a shrug. I feel anxiety rise in my stomach. Does she like me? She hardly knows my name.

"You should go Evan, have fun" Jo says, "give me a call when you want me to pick you up"

"I don't have my phone." I say. I left it inside my duffle bag.

"It's not far from where you live" Haydn says quickly, "I'll take him home"

"Okay" Jo grins at me "have fun"

* * *

I always thought of myself as somewhat smooth and collected like my brothers, but right now I feel like a bumbling idiot as I stumble from my seat. Be cool. That's what Dean would say. Chicks dig confidence in a guy even if you have to fake it. I wonder if Dean ever faked it. Haydn flicks her hair over her shoulder with her wrists and suddenly the icy sugary aroma makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm going to vomit but I manage to stand straight, I hold my breath until I get outside. Everyone stops and turns to me. There are four guys and three other girls. They all look like jocks and cheerleaders to me. The four guys are wearing sports jackets; they're all tall, have short or spiked hair, and are built like football players. The three girls are all short and thin; they have long hair pulled back in ponytails. The jock on the far left stared the hardest at me and moved close to Haydn but she didn't pay him any attention.

"Evan, this is…" She says three names to me and points to the girls. I couldn't remember them the moment after she said them so in my mind I just called the short one with the dark curly ponytail "Curly", the blonde one "Blondie", and the one with the red hair "Ginger". It wasn't very creative but I'm sure it was better than they're given names, which were all generic and ended with a "y". Then Haydn introduced the guys who each gave me a cocky smirk and a glare during the roll call. I don't know they're names either but I think they all started with a "B". She introduced the one glaring hardest last and he stuck out his hand for me to shake. When I did, he squeezed a bit too hard and firm and held on for a second too long. I didn't need a lot of experience to know that he was trying to tell me to back off of Haydn. He's bigger than me and reminds me of a grizzly bear. The night just got more interesting.

"Evan's coming" Haydn announces and Bear is visibly put out. We start to walk out of the parking lot and into the dark street lit only by streetlamps and moonlight.

"So, Evan" Ginger says, "how come we never see you around school?"

"He's not from around here." Haydn answers for me

"Where are you from?"

"Everywhere" I say

"Whatever that means" Bear snickers and the guys laugh quietly

"How old are you?" Ginger asks

"Fourteen"

"Oh, so you're a grade lower than us. What brings you to town?"

"Babe" The tallest jock groans, "are you really going to start grilling him now"

"I'm just curious." She snaps at him and then looks back at me still waiting for an answer

"I'm just staying here for a while." I finally say

"Just because?"

"Just because" Haydn repeats darkly and Ginger drops the subject. We've been walking for a few minutes but I still haven't seen any houses. Where is this party? It's getting cold and I can see my breath. The jock with the spikiest gel takes off his jacket and drapes it around Blondie's shoulders. She wraps it tightly around her but doesn't thank him.

"It's really cold" Ginger says in an exaggerated shiver and tall jock rolls his eyes, opens his jacket up, and scoops her in with him.

"I told you to bring your coat"

"I told you I wanted to see a movie." She counters

I look over at Haydn. I don't have a coat; just Dean's over shirt and it isn't very warm. I wonder if I should offer it to her anyway. Bear glances over to me and immediately hops in front of her.

"Would you like my jacket?" He asks

"No thanks" She smiles

"Are you sure? It's really cold"

"I'm okay. It's probably better if you keep it anyway. You look cold"

"You're going to get sick"

"No, I won't." She laughs dismissively

"Just take it" Bear barks. I can feel my jaw clench tightly as I start to wonder if anyone would miss him if he went missing tonight.

"If you want to give your jacket away so badly why don't you give it to him?" Haydn points to Blondie's jock, "he looks like he could use it"

Bear squints angrily at her for a few seconds and looks away. I can't help but smile at Haydn's casual dismissal. Maybe I won't have to get involved after all. I glance over at Curly and see she's wearing a coat of her own. Her jock looks grateful and holds her hand. I was suspicious before, but now I'm sure that Haydn dragged me along on a date already in progress. Finally we reach a gate held closed by a padlock and chain.

"Where is this party?" I whisper to Haydn

"Who said anything about a party?" She giggles

Bear yanks at one side of the gate and the girls slip through the gap.

"Where are we?" I ask as the others follow the girls

"What's the matter, Evan?" Tall jock says as he slips through, "scared?"

"Maybe you should go home to Mommy and Daddy" Bear snorts and follows. The gate closes tightly behind him and he laughs. I yank the gate open and slip through with my fists clenched into balls. Just as I start towards Bear, Haydn yanks me by the arm and starts running.

"What the hell is going on? Where are we?" I demand

"Come swing with me" She says and leads me down a hill to a playground swing set. I yank my arm away from her and stop running.

"You took me to a playground? I thought you were taking me to a party or something"

"I never said we were going to a party" Haydn grunts as she hops into a swing, "I said 'a thing'"

"This is what you do? You and your friends break into playgrounds at night?"

"Those aren't my friends" She scoffs

"You said-"

"I said a few friends are going to a thing. I never said that they were _my_ friends"

"You say that I'm a liar…" I mutter. "So if they're not your friends, why do you bother hanging out with them?"

"I have to. My aunt and uncle have this place over in Oregon and they want to take me back there now. I had to convince them to let me stay in my own house a little longer so I told them that I wanted to spend the rest of the summer with friends before I move with them"

"But they're not friends"

"No. One of them just like me"

I sit down on the swing next to her "why don't you want to move?"

"This is the only home I've ever had. It's the only thing I have"

"I thought your parents were hunters"

"They didn't take me with them" She titters at the thought, "that's dangerous"

I push off the ground a little with my feet and the swing rocks me back and forth gently "most hunters think it's more dangerous not to take their kids around with them. My dad took me and my brothers around with him"

"What about your mom?"

"She died when I was little"

"Hunting is stupid." She grumbles, "How long are you staying here?"

"Until my brother comes to get me."

"Why did he leave you?"

I feel my stomach turn. I ask myself the same question every day. "He didn't want to. He had to. He's trying to get my other brother back and it's easier to travel alone"

She stops the swing and stares at me "he's trying to bring your brother back? As in from the dead?"

"You don't understand my brothers." I laugh feeling a mild pride for them, "they can do anything. My oldest brother, Dean, saved Sam from death once but got sent to hell for it and Sam saved Dean from a trickster once. We hunted him down for months to get Dean back. Now we just have to save Dean from hell"

"I still don't understand why he would leave you" She frowns

"He didn't want to" I snap, "getting Dean back is more important…"

"You said 'we' hunted down a trickster once to save Dean. Why can't you just go together?"

"Because we can't. And it's really none of your business"

"Yikes" She says raising her hands defensively, "sorry."

"Dean told Sam to take care of me. This is the best way he knows how"

"You're right. I'm sorry, it's none of my business" Haydn sighs, "I just think…"

"You just think what?"

"Never mind. Let's just talk about something else okay?"

"No. You just think what?"

Haydn bites her lip in hesitation and I stare her down "I just think that maybe if I was Dean and I told Sam to take care of you, I'd be pissed if he just dropped you off somewhere and left"

"Well, you're not Dean" I growl and slide off of the swing

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rude. Where are you going?"

"Back to Ellen's. You said it wasn't far from here. Which direction is it?"

Haydn stuck her feet down and stumbled to a halt "actually, that one may have been a small lie. We're not really that close to Ellen's"

"Unbelievable" I huff and throw my hands in the air in exasperation. I'm stranded in the middle of nowhere with a pathological liar and her Varsity Blues wanna be friends.

"Let me use your phone" I command and stretch out my hand. She digs into her pocket and places her phone on my palm.

"Are you calling Ellen?"

No. But I would if I could remember her number. I ignore Haydn and dial one of the only phone numbers I've stored in my mental Rolodex. Sam's phone starts to ring.

"Hello?" A woman answers

My stomach twists into a knot. I can't believe it! Sam left me here all alone so he can go whoring around with some girl who thinks it's okay to answer his phone! I feel like hanging up but I don't. I need him to come get me right now.

"Who is this?" I demand

"_Who is this? You called me"_

"No, I didn't call you. I called Sam. Where is he?"

"_Sam's a little preoccupied right now"_

"I don't care! Give him the phone!"

"_Like I said, he's busy. How about I take a message?"_ I can tell by the sleazy way she's talking that Sam won't be getting any messages from me

"Who are you?" I ask again and the line goes dead. I'm so angry I throw the phone as hard as I can

"My phone!" Haydn shrieks and runs after it. "What the hell is wrong with you? Who throws somebody else's phone?" She's screaming after me as I walk back up the hill. Bear and the rest of his gang meet me in the middle.

"There you are" Bear smirks

"Get out of my way" I grumble and start past them

"Going so soon?" Tall jock laughs

"Let me tell you something kid" Bear rumbles at me, "you're new here so you don't know it but Haydn is mine"

"Take her" I shrug

"I was going to whether you liked it or not, you little punk" Bear snarls and grabs my arm. It was a reflex to snatch his wrist in my other hand and twist it back until he crumpled to the ground begging me to let go, but I broke it because I wanted to. Tall jock goes down next, his clumsy swing to my face is poorly executed and I grab him by the arm and punch under his armpit and dislocate his shoulder. I would have broken his arm at the elbow too if Ginger didn't jump on my back to stop me. I lift her arms from around my neck and toss her to the ground. Curly's Jock runs at me next but he goes down fast after I kick him in the crotch. Everyone is screaming and it's giving me a headache. Blondie's jock demands that I leave before he calls the cops.

"That's what I was trying to do in the first place." I say but I doubt anyone can hear me over the screams. I continue up the hill uninterrupted. When I look back I can see Blondie's jock calling someone, maybe an ambulance and Haydn is at the bottom of the hill staring at me. She doesn't look afraid but I can't really tell because it's so dark. I slip back through the gate and start back to the ice cream shop. Maybe I can retrace my steps from there. The police come for me before I'm halfway down the road and arrest me. They ask me where my parents are and I give them Ellen's address. I'm never going to a party again.


	10. Everything Happens So Fast

**Author's Note: Thank y'all so much for reading and reviewing this story! I appreciate the support so much!**

* * *

Ellen drives me back to the house in silence. It's past 3am and she's exhausted but she's really relieved that the jocks aren't pressing charges. They wouldn't even talk about it. Ellen is furious at Jo for letting me go with them.

"And without a cellphone! You see what happened?" Ellen shouts at her when we get inside.

"How was I supposed to know this was going to happen? You're the one who wanted to get him out of the house!" She shouts back and looks at me, "Are you okay?"

"A little tired" I admit

"And you" Ellen says rounding on me, "You sent two of those boys to the hospital tonight"

"They started it" I shrug

"It doesn't matter if they start it, Evan. Walk away. These kids aren't trained in combat like you are. You could really hurt someone"

"So, am I supposed to just stand there and take it when people swing at me?"

"No, but I know John taught you ways to avoid breaking limbs while defending yourself"

"My Dad would be proud of the way I handled things tonight." I assert and I know that it's true. I don't know what Ellen remembers but Dad was never the 'turn the other cheek' kind of guy. She considers what I said for a moment and nods.

"Well, Sam left me in charge of you and I'm not going to have you getting yourself arrested while you're living under my roof. Now go to your room and get some sleep. You look exhausted"

I obey without complaints and I'm asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. I lay low for the next couple of days. Sometimes I hear Ellen on the phone.

"Well now from what I hear, it was one of your boys who threw the first punch. Well I'm very sorry to hear that but I'm sure that they'll be more careful when picking fights so they can play next season."

Jo's really friendly to me. I don't know her too well so I can't tell if it's just out of guilt but I'm assuming it's mostly guilt. She comes into my room one night with ice cream and a brownie.

"You can't go wrong with vanilla" She smiles

"Thanks" I laugh

"I'm heading out tomorrow morning"

"Got a case?"

"Yup. Over in Kentucky"

"Your mom misses you when you're gone" I say in between spoonfuls

"She has you to keep her company" Jo winks

"Until Sam comes" I nod and suddenly the doorbell rings. Jo and I exchange a surprised look. Sam? But as we get to the hallway and hear Ellen talking we know it isn't Sam at the door.

I hear a familiar voice, "I'm just really sorry about what happened the other day"

"It's fine" Ellen says to her, "I just think it's probably for the best that you two keep a distance. He doesn't need any trouble, you understand darling."

"No ma'am, I'm no trouble"

"Honey, the last time you two hung out he got arrested"

"Well-"

"Look Haydn, I know you mean well but I think the both of you together right now-"

"Hi" I say coming down the stairs

Ellen takes a step back from the door to allow Haydn inside.

"Hi, Evan" Haydn says softly. The dark lines outlining her eyes intrigue me despite myself

"Go on" Ellen sighs and Haydn starts up the stairs towards me, I turn and walk ahead of her

"And keep that door open" Ellen shouts up at us

"What do you want?" I ask as I crush my brownie into my ice cream

"I owe you an apology for the other night. I should've warned you about those guys. I just never thought it would get so out of hand"

"Your friends are douchebags"

"Not my friends" She corrects, "but you sure can kick a little ass, can't you?"

I swell with pride but shrug casually.

"So this is your bedroom?"

"For now. I've been living out of my bag for a while" I pick up my bag and toss it on the bed

"Why don't you unpack?" Haydn asks and takes a seat next to it

I didn't think it would be worth the effort, that's why. I just shrug again and unzip my bag. Immediately she reaches inside and pulls out my phone.

"Oh my God, what happened to this?" She frowns and inspects the broken screen

"I uh, kind of threw it" I chortle

"What is with you and throwing phones?"

I snatch the phone from her and turn it on. Within seconds it starts to ring.

"Hello? Sam?" I put my hand over the receiver and ask Haydn to excuse me before going into the hallway.

"Hello?"

_"Evan. I've been trying to call you all morning. Why is your phone off?"_

"You should talk. Why didn't you just call Ellen?"

_"She's the one who called me to talk to you. You got arrested? Evan, what have we told you about laying low?"_

"So you can answer her calls but not mine?"

_"What? I answer your calls"_

"Who's the girl, Sam?"

_"W-what girl?"_

"The girl who answered your phone when I called you the night those punks jumped me"

_"Oh. She didn't say you called"_

"Do you have a girlfriend now or something?"

_"What? No. Don't be ridiculous. She was just a girl I met while I was on a job. She's not important"_

"She answered your phone!"

_"I didn't know that! She's not important. Trust me"_

"Are you coming to get me?"

_"Aren't you getting along with Ellen?"_

"This isn't about Ellen. This is about me and you, Sam! Are you coming?"

_"Not yet"_

"Not?" I shout, "Not yet? Do me a favor, Sam. Don't call me until you're ready to pick me up, okay? Just do me that favor. When you're ready to do what you promised Dean you'd do and pick me up, then call" I hang up on him and wait a few seconds to see if he'll call back. He does.

_"Evan"_

"Are you coming to get me?"

_"I can't ye-"_

"Wrong answer!" I scream at him and hang up again. This time he doesn't call back. Haydn stays over for a while and we talk about things we like to do for fun. She tells me about an arcade she likes where she can laser tag. I've never heard of it before, she says she'll take me and I agree to go. Anything is better than waiting for Sam to show up.

* * *

Laser tag is amazing and I'm great at it. We were the first two at the arcade and got to play alone with each other for the first game. Haydn is a good shot but I'm better. I hit vital spots on her vest and rack up a lot of points. She's stealthier than I am and hides very well. She moves silently around the arena and hits me from places I can't see. Her hits don't bring in as many points as mine do but she wins because she's gotten me so many times. By the time the first game is over other smaller kids have gathered around for a chance to play too. Haydn and I re-enter with an every man for himself mentality but the kids are so good that we're getting slaughtered. Halfway through the massacre Haydn and I run into each other in a corner.

"I'm sucking out there." Haydn pants

"I know, they're too good"

"What do you say we join forces for a while and take these little suckers out?" She grins

I smirk and raise my gun, "let's send' em crying to mama"

We made quite a team. Haydn moved us around the dark arena so quietly that we were almost invisible to the tiny monsters and when I was in position, I aimed for their hearts. Within the last five minutes of the game we turned the game around and won. Three of the kids actually did cry for their mother's and one for his dad. I wonder what my dad would've said if I came to him crying over a lost game of laser tag. He'd probably just stare at me until I shrank away.

"What a team!" Haydn laughs as they hand us our scores. On paper it says that I've won but I couldn't have done it without Haydn. I raise my hand up for a high five and she obliges.

The next week is crammed with activity. Haydn comes by every day with some new adventure in mind. We go hiking, bike riding, paintballing, rock climbing, and of course laser tagging all week. Ellen warms up to her a lot. I think she's grateful for Haydn taking me out of the house for a change. Ellen asks me how I like Haydn and I say she's nice. I don't tell her that sometimes instead of nightmares about hellhounds and Dean and blood, I dream about touching Haydn's soft skin and kissing her pink lips. Sometimes when I'm alone, instead of being angry at Sam, I get excited at the thought of seeing her again. Of hearing her laugh and watching her hair swing, counting how many times dimples pepper her cheeks. I want to hold her and feel her warmth and that feels better than being sad. The carnival is in town today so we go together. I don't have a lot of money but Ellen gave me fifty bucks so I can buy lunch. I buy Haydn lunch too.

"My dad loved these." She says after a bite of a corndog, "I swear, he could eat a dozen of these a day"

"That's kind of how Dean is with cheeseburgers or anything greasy. He loves pie too. He could probably eat pie three times a day his whole life and be happy"

"Jeez, he sounds like he could eat his own weight"

"He's lucky he's a hunter so he can exercise" I laugh

She's giving me a troubled look but I ignore it. I don't want to know what's wrong. I just want to enjoy the day. "So, what do you want to do next? Ride the Ferris wheel?"

"Sure!" She stuffs the rest of the corndog in her mouth and grabs my hand. I'm reeling inside as we race through the crowds of people. I feel like yanking her back towards me for a kiss but I control myself. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and mess everything up.

The ride isn't fast but she puts her hands in the air and screams and giggles anyway. I've been on a rollercoaster once. It was earlier this year in between cases at a theme park in Pennsylvania called Hershey Park. There's a ride there that makes you feel like you're in an oven and they give you chocolate when it's over. Dean was so happy that for most of the day, I forgot that he was going to leave me. I wonder if Haydn likes chocolate. When she brings her arms back down she loops them around one of mine. Her hair flies around on the air and brushes my face. It smells like cinnamon.

"I'm having the best time" She laughs, "this is so much fun!"

I push her hair behind us and smile; she rests her head in my hand and looks directly in my eyes. I have my first kiss on the Ferris wheel. Her lips are soft and sticky with gloss. I was wrong, it doesn't taste like strawberries but it's just as sweet. I win her a giant giraffe at a small booth where you have to pitch a baseball at stacked glasses. She says I should be a baseball player and I hold her hand. We share cotton candy. She tries to feed it to me but it gets stuck to her fingers and I accidentally lick her fingers. She doesn't seem to notice or care, she just rips a piece off and feeds herself. I don't sleep that night. I don't even change my clothes because they smell like her. She wants to go camping tomorrow in her backyard. She's going to introduce me to her aunt and uncle. I hope they like me.

* * *

I don't know what to wear; I've run out of clean clothes from my bag. Ellen says not to panic because she'll do my laundry for me if I run out and get some groceries. I pull on a pair of flannels and a sweater and bike to the store. I forgot the list at home so I grab some things I think we need. Bread, eggs, milk, cereal, orange juice, and some frozen waffles for good measure. I buy some paper towels too because I see Ellen using them a lot. A lot of people are staring at me while I wait online, it's as though they've never seen someone wearing pajamas before. The checkout girl giggles at me and bites her lip; I smile politely at her and she blushes. She picks up the bread and drops it from her hands.

"Oops" She gasps and reaches down to get it slowly so I can see her cleavage. Thanks a lot for dropping my bread. She makes a second attempt to bag it but I insist I can do it this time. I can't help but roll my eyes at her clumsy flirtation. I pay her and leave while she's still blushing.

"Why'd you only get breakfast food?" Ellen asks when she goes through the bag

Damn. She's right.

"I forgot the list" I frown. I think she's mad for a moment but then she starts to laugh

"Come here" She laughs and pulls me into a hug, "you are too cute. Most of your stuff is in the drier but it's still wet"

I try on a pair of jeans that are still damp because I don't want to wait any longer. Ellen makes me give them back to her so she could at least iron them before I go since I want to make a good impression with Haydn's family. I try to fix my hair in the mirror but it just flops around like always. I've learned a long time ago that my hair will never have that perfectly tasseled look like Dean's or flowing like Sam's. My hair is too curly to be straight and too straight to be curly, longer than Dean's and shorter than Sam's. I comb it with my fingers and look away from the mirror. Haydn likes my hair; she runs her long fingers through it and scratches my scalp.

The iron evaporates some of the water out of my jeans. Ellen also irons a shirt that I forgot that I have. It's light blue.

"It looks girly." I moan

"Hush. It brings out your eyes" Ellen clucks

"I'm sorry, I meant to say that _you_ are so girly" I smirk. She slaps the back of my head and I wince.

"Smart ass"

"I'm joking. You're the least girly person I know." I laugh and her eyes narrow at me

"Because you're so womanly" I amend

"Nice save. Well you better get a move on. Do you have your phone?"

"In my pocket"

"Be good"

"Yup" I say and rush out of the door to my bike

"Call me if there's any trouble" She shouts after me

"Bye" I shout back and take off to Haydn's place.

* * *

It's bigger than I remember but maybe it's because the last time I've seen it, it was packed with cars and crying people. I drop my bike on the front lawn, climb the steps and ring the bell. I can hear yelling through the door.

"He's here, sweetheart." A woman says

"Get the door!"

"Don't you want to say hello?" A man asks

"I can't! I have to make him wait!"

"Okay, okay" The woman says and opens the door. I didn't realize how short she was at the funeral but I do now. I'm towering over her. Her hair is really yellow, like yellow paint all the way down to the roots.

"Hello" I smile nervously

"Hi, come in. You must be Evan" The woman smiles widely, "I'm Joan, Haydn's aunt"

"Yes ma'am. I've heard a lot about you" I lie

"All good things I hope" She titters and claps her hands together, "Victor! Evan is here!"

A tall man in a button down shirt and khaki pants strides into the room; he reaches a hand out for me and I shake it.

"Victor Pruitt"

"Nice to meet you, I'm Evan"

"I know. We've heard a lot about you too" He says and takes a step back. Looking at Joan's blouse and skirt and Victor's outfit I suddenly feel underdressed.

"Well, come in and sit down." Victor says beckoning me to the kitchen. I follow them in awkward silence and take a seat at a large preset table.

"So, Evan, Haydn tells us that you're a year younger than her"

"Oh. Yeah, I guess"

"So are you in town for just the summer or…" Joan asks

"I'm staying with Ellen for a while" My voice cracks when I speak and I clear my throat

"Would you like a glass of water?" Victor asks. I smile and reach for my glass. The liquid is cool and refreshing in my incredibly dry throat. I wish Haydn would hurry.

"You two have been spending a good deal of time together. You must get along quite well" he smiles thinly

"Yes sir" I nod and place the glass back down

"Hi Evan" Haydn breaths swooping into the kitchen and taking a seat next to me. I see that she's wearing ripped jeans and a Guns 'n Roses t-shirt. I feel instantly better.

"I hope they didn't grill you too much" She says shooting them a look, "they're both psychiatrists and have a bad habit of prying"

"I just like to see what my niece is up to" Victor says innocently.

"We're just a little concerned" Joan frowns, "we heard about the little mishap a while back over at the playground"

Haydn glares at them "You promised you wouldn't"

"It's okay" I say softly to her and then turn to them, "Yeah, some of the guys and I had a misunderstanding. They told me to stay away from Haydn because she was their property and then tried to jump me so we had a little scuffle."

"Oh my" Joan's brow furrows deeply

"I didn't know that" Victor says quietly. I smile to myself. I know I've won his approval at least for now. Haydn smiles at me and passes the salad. Dean was right about confidence. If you fake it long enough, it'll start coming naturally. I charm Victor over with my knowledge of baseball and I work over Joan with a few bright smiles I picked up from Sam over the years. After dinner they tell me that I'm welcome back at anytime. Haydn and I take a walk together and kiss under a streetlight. I could stay out here like this with her forever and I tell her so. She says that she wants to camp under the stars with me.

"Where?"

"In my backyard" She shrugs, "It'll be fun. We'll have a little tent and sleeping bags and popcorn"

"Popcorn?"

"It's not a campout without popcorn." A dimple flashes in her cheek and I kiss her. I want to touch her and feel how warm and soft she is underneath her shirt but she breaks the kiss and I jam my hands into my pockets.

"I'll ask my aunt and uncle if we can do it tomorrow. I can't wait!"

"Me neither" I smile. I don't sleep that whole night, all I can think of is a night beneath the stars with Haydn. I picture what she would look like sleeping peacefully next to me. I take out my cellphone to put it back into my duffle bag when I realize that my bag is empty. Did Ellen forget to take my stuff out of the drier? I swing off the bed and put my phone on top of the dresser instead. One of the drawers is open a crack so I pull it. All of my clothes are neatly folded inside. I smile and throw myself back on the bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up early enough to make Ellen breakfast.

* * *

Victor isn't as excited about me spending the night as Joan and Haydn are. He takes me aside and makes me promise that there will be 'no monkey business'.

"Yes sir"

"I was your age once" he reminds me

I assumed so but I'm not going to point out what a stupid statement that is. I just promise that I'll obey his rules and keep the tent unzipped at all times.

Haydn is in purple flannel pajama pants and a tank top. I've never seen anything so beautiful. Joan doesn't want us starting a fire in her backyard so we pop the popcorn inside and make s'mores in the microwave. Joan brought us Oreos and milk. Haydn blushes in embarrassment but I'm grateful for them. I love cookies and milk. I'm so excited that the whole box of cookies falls out of my hands and break into hundreds of pieces in the wrapper.

"Crap. Sorry" I frown

Haydn picks up the cookies and opens up the package. I was right. They're broken beyond repair

"It's okay" She smiles, "my mom used to say 'sometimes crumbled cookies make the best desserts'. Have you ever made Dirt Dessert before?"

I shake my head no. She makes a layer of crushed cookies on the bottom of a bowl, tops it with vanilla pudding and then layers another sheet of cookies on top.

"It's my favorite. Dig in"

Dirt dessert is delicious. It's my favorite too.

After the lights go off in the house, Haydn and I lie in the grass outside of the tent and look up at the stars.

"My brothers used to do this" I say, "They would stay up all night and watch the stars together and never say one thing"

"What would you do?"

"Sleep" I frown. I wish I stayed up with them now.

"Your brothers sound like they were really close"

"Yeah"

"I wish I got to know my sister" She sighs. I look over at her. She never mentioned a sister before.

"She died before I was even born. She's the reason my parents started hunting in the first place. Heather. She died when she was two years old. Ghoul"

"Wow. Bummer" I say up at the stars

"I miss my mom and dad. I don't know how I would have gotten through this summer if it wasn't for you" Her voice is cracking and she sounds like she's on the verge of tears. I move closer and wrap my arms around her while she cries silently.

"I'm glad you're here too. I was all alone before I met you" The honesty of my own words as they escaped my mouth cut like a knife and suddenly I felt like crying too.

"Haydn?" I whisper lightly into her hair

"Yes?"

"Can you just… Can you stay with me? Can I have you and can you stay?"

"I'm right here, Evan" She sniffles and hugs me tighter

"Please don't leave me." I beg her without a thought, "please don't leave me alone"

Haydn raises her lips to mine and kisses me "I won't ever leave you. I'll stay here with you forever. I love you so much. My aunt and uncle can move their practice here and I can stay with you. I'll never leave you"

"I love you." I confess for the first time out loud and I'm half sobbing

"I'll stay" She wipes my face with the palm of her hand, "I'll never leave you"

* * *

Haydn and I don't ride together on the first day of school because we're on different bus routes but we catch up soon after the buses arrive. People give us funny looks because I'm and underclassmen and she's the prettiest girl in school. I carry her books for her to her first class and then try to find mine. A pimple-ridden boy my age stands in my way.

"Can I help you?" I ask

"Evan Winchester?"

"Yeah?"

"Tyler Morgan. I'm your buddy. You're new here so I'm supposed to show you around"

"Oh. Okay"

He leads me down the main corridor and points at the offices, "That's Principal Rose's office, you'll probably never see her face since she never leaves that room. If she wants something from you, she'll send a letter. That's the Dean…"

I wince at the name.

"You'll want to avoid seeing him, he's pretty much a dick"

"I'll keep that in mind" I nod. There's a banging at the end of the corridor and we turn around to see what's making the noise. Bear and his gang are horsing around the locker area and pushing each other.

"Speaking of things you'll want to avoid…" Taylor huffs, "I'd watch out for them if I were you. Word is that they've been gunning for you"

"What?"

"Dude, everyone knows that you kicked the crap out of them this summer and now two of them can't even play varsity football this year. Everyone is pretty pissed. I'd lay low if I were you. Then again, it doesn't help that you stole the Quarterback's girlfriend"

"She wasn't his girlfriend"

"Good luck convincing anyone else of that" He clucks

"Right… Can you show me to my class now?"

Haydn and I don't share the same lunchtime so I sit at my table alone. Taylor walks over with his tray.

"Hey, I'm sorry Evan, I know I'm supposed to be your buddy but you're pretty much blacklisted right now and I just stopped being picked on like, last year-"

"It's okay, Taylor" I roll my eyes

"Thanks!" He says and scurries off, the poor pathetic guy.

A tray slams down on my table and I look up and see Bear hovering over it with the goon squad behind him. The whole cafeteria is silent and staring.

"Well, look who it is" He growls

"How's the arm?" I ask and take a bite of my sandwich

"You cost me varsity, you little punk" His voice is low and angry but I can tell by the way he won't make eye contact with me that he's afraid. This is just a show to save face.

"Oops" I smirk, "I guess I don't know my own strength"

"You think this is funny? I'm going to kick your ass!"

"Just you this time? Or are your friends coming along for the ride again?" I'm goading him but I can't help but poke the bear. Not while he's so obviously grabbing for his dignity and self-respect.

Tall jock takes a step forward but stops himself after one step. I throw a wink his way and grin.

"You've got a smart ass, kid"

"Thanks. It's firm too"

"Afterschool today in the field. This time I'm ready for you. I'm going to kick your ass"

"I am going to smash your face" I grin in anticipation

* * *

"Evan, don't fight him." Haydn snaps at me when we meet up at my locker

"Why are you getting all pissy at me? He's the one who came up to me about it"

"I don't care. Don't fight him"

"Why not?" I shrug

"Why not?" She stares at me incredulously, "how about why? You have nothing to gain from it. You've already won. Plus I want you to save your energy for something more important" She says and hands me a flyer

"What's this?" I ask and take it from her

"Baseball try-outs today after school. What do you say?"

"I say, I love you" I grin and kiss her

"You'll do it?"

"Hell yeah. Are you going to watch the try-outs?"

"Are you kidding me? Me, miss an opportunity to see my boyfriend massacre the rest of these meathead douchebags? Of course I'm going to be there"

"Good" I close my locker and spin the lock

"And Evan?"

"Hm?"

"Don't fight"

* * *

I wasn't going to fight him. I was heading home from try-outs and I was in a great mood because I hit almost every pitch right out of the park. I was walking to the gym to put away my equipment and then to the afterschool bus with Haydn so I could go back home. Bear is the one who decided to head us off and ambush us with the entire football team. He's the one who shoved me and his teammate was the one who reached for Haydn. Unfortunately for his teammate, I was the one still holding a bat. There was a loud smacking sound as the bat connected with his ribs. Someone reached in and tried to grab my bat and was met instantly by my fist against the bridge of his nose. Everyone else dispersed after that and ran for the school. Haydn looks at me in horror and then grabs my hand. We start to run away from the field together.

"We have to hide you!" She's screaming.

"Where?"

"In the woods behind my house! They'll never find you! We can hide together!" But I know we won't make it to her house and there's nowhere to hide. The cops will be on my tail in less than a minute and… That's when I see it; a four door hard top black 67' Chevy Impala pulling up to the side of the road. I stop running dead in my tracks.

"Sam?" I gasp

"What are you doing? Come on!" Haydn shrieks at me and tugs my arm but I'm frozen as the driver's side door and passenger's side door open simultaneously. Dean walks around the front of the car and waves at me to come over to him.

"Dean" I breathe and I'm vaguely aware that Haydn has stopped yanking at me

"Evan! Come on! The cops are coming!" Dean shouts at me in his real voice; his real alive voice.

"D-Dean?"

Sam grabs my other arm and yanks me towards the car and back into reality.

"Haydn" I stammer looking back at her. She's staring at me in shock. The car door shuts behind me and Sam and Dean climb back into the front seat. Dean starts the engine.

"Evan!" Haydn screams snapping out of her daze. She's screaming and banging on the window as Dean peels away. "Evan! Don't leave me! Please don't go!"

I press my hand against the glass of the Impala but my throat is too tight and stings too much to speak.

"Dean?" I whisper

"Hey kiddo, not exactly the reunion I'd planned but we'll do it right once we lose the cops, okay?"

"Dean?" I shudder and sob, "Dean?"

He reaches a hand back for me and I take it. He squeezes my hand in his.

"I missed you too"

"I was going to call you" Sam says, "but I wanted it to be a surprise"

"You got Dean?" I squeak past the lump in my throat

"No, I wish. It's a little more complicated than that"

"We'll get to the bottom of it. In the meantime, was that you're girlfriend back there?"

Haydn! I slap my hands on my head and curl into a ball.

"She's a peach!" Dean laughs, "you made me proud little brother"

"We have to go back! I left her out there alone!"

"We can't. The cops are on our tail right now, no doubt about it. We have to stay away for a while"

"We can't leave her!"

"They're after you, Evan. Not her. She'll be fine"

Dean says from the front seat. My dead brother Dean Winchester, who has come back to life after four months of being gone from this Earth after being ripped to shreds by demonic mutts and then burned in a pyre, is driving and talking to me. Sam, the brother who abandoned me three months ago is next to him pretending that everything is normal and okay. And the love of my life and best friend in the whole world is crying at the side of the street because I left her without even saying goodbye. The tears that come are thick and sloppy. My body shakes in confusion over the rush of emotions I'm being attacked with. I start to hyperventilate.

"Evan. Evan, breathe!" Dean calls back to me in panic

I can't steady my breaths.

Sam grabs a bag and hands it to me. I breathe into it rapidly and my head gets light.

"Evan, buddy, you've got to relax" Dean says

"Evan, listen to me" Sam says calmly to me, "you have to slow your breathing. You're going to pass out"

A flash of anger rips through me like lightning when Sam's eyes touch mine. As I slip into unconsciousness, I feel my first clear emotion since the car pulled up next to me, repulsion.


	11. Is This Fresh Start?

When I come to again it's dark outside and the car is off. Dean opens the door to the backseat and I feel like I'm still dreaming.

"Oh, you're awake" He says in mild surprise

I slide out of the car and throw my arms around him as tight as I can. I can't believe he's really here. I feel like I'll wake up at any second and he'll be gone from me. Dean wraps his arms around me and hugs me back.

"Hey there little guy" He whispers

"Dean, how? How are you here?"

He breaks the hug too soon and shakes his head "I don't know but we're going to find out."

"I was starting to think I'd never see you guys again"

"Well I'm right here now and… wait, what do you mean you guys?"

"You or Sam"

"Why wouldn't you see Sam again?"

"He didn't tell you?" I squint, "he dropped me off at Ellen's"

"Yeah, I know. He said he was working on a case"

"Yeah. Your case."

"So why wouldn't you have seen him again?"

"Dean, he left me there for three months"

Dean's mouth dropped into a straight line, "What?"

"He dropped me off at Ellen's three months ago. I mean, I didn't care or anything" I shrug. Dean's jaw clenches as Sam walks over to the car.

"Booked one room with a double bed and a couch." Sam says, he's smiling brightly. I can't remember seeing him this happy

"Sam" Dean glares

"What?"

"Evan, Sam. You dropped Evan off at Ellen's for three months?"

Sam looks down at the ground and sighs.

"What happened to taking care of him while I was gone?"

"I couldn't" Sam mumbles

"What?" Dean squints and leans forward as though he couldn't hear him

"I couldn't" Sam says a little louder this time and looks directly at Dean, "I couldn't take care of him. I couldn't even take care of myself. I'm sorry, I just knew Ellen would be able to take care of him better until I got myself back together"

Dean frowns "We're a family Sammy. That means we stick together"

Sam nods and looks at the ground and Dean sighs, "Okay, let's get inside"

"That's it?" I gape, "that's all he gets for leaving me alone and breaking his promise to you?"

"What do you want me to do? Beat him?" Dean cocks an eyebrow at me and swings his overnight bag over his shoulder, "Come on, I just got back. I'm happy to see you. I don't want to fight"

I glare at Sam and he pouts at me. His eyes are big and glassy; the patented puppy look that Dean can never help but to forgive. I just harden my gaze, tighten my lips, and follow Dean into the motel room.

* * *

Dean puts his stuff down on one bed and Sam offers me the other with a nod.

"I left all my stuff at Ellen's" I say as I stretch out on the couch. Sam heaves a sad sigh and puts his bag down next to the empty bed

"Your stuff's right here" Dean says tossing me a bag. "We stopped by Ellen's before we came by the school"

I'm disappointed. I was hoping that I could have used not having my things as an excuse to go back to Ellen's place.

"Can I have my cell phone?" I ask Dean and he shakes his head no.

"We had to toss it, we can't risk being tracked down by the cops"

"But I have to call Haydn! She's going to think I abandoned her!"

"Evan, I'm sorry. We can't risk it right now. It's better for her if she doesn't know where you are anyway"

"She wouldn't give me up, Dean. Trust me! She's not like that" I plead, "She's smart and kind and she loves me!"

"I'm sure she's a sweetheart" Dean says calmly, "but we have to lay low for a while. Okay?"

I look at my biggest brother and nod. He's back from the dead and all I've done was argue and complain to him since we've reunited. I'd leave the Haydn discussion for the next morning but for the night, I was just going to be happy that Dean was back from the dead. Dean looks relieved that I'm not pushing the subject and he kicks off his shoes. He looks at me and grins, "you've gotten bigger"

"Really?" I beam and look down at my body

"Definitely, you're taller too. I better watch out, the Sasquatch gene runs in the family"

I hold back an eye roll from Dean's reference to Sam and change the subject, "So… What was it like?"

"What was what like?"

"Well… you know… hell?"

"I don't know. Don't remember" He says and lays back on his bed, "get some sleep. Tomorrow we're heading out early to meet up with Bobby and see if we can find out what sprung me"

He takes a blanket from his bed and tosses it to me. It smells like him and I wrap myself around in it when he turns off the light. I remember the times when I would climb into his bed at night because I was having a bad dream. Right now, more than anything, I wish I were young enough to get away with doing that again tonight. I can hear Dean's gentle rhythmic breathing and I know he's asleep. I wonder if Haydn is sleeping or if she's awake and crying over me. I hope she understands…

* * *

The next morning Sam walks inside of the room with drinks and bags from a local fast-food restaurant. Dean is in the shower. I wish he would hurry up so Sam and I didn't have to be alone together.

"I got you pancakes." Sam says to me and raises one of the bags up to show me, "and a chocolate malt. Those are your favorite"

"Not hungry" I lie casually. I haven't had fast food for breakfast in months and I'm torn between relieved at the familiarity and sad that my life at Ellen's really did end that quickly. Sam looks down and nods his head as though he understands.

"Can we talk?" He asks and sits down at the table

"Why would we do a crazy thing like that?" I grumble

"Look, I know you're mad at me and I-I get it" He nods, "but Evan, I couldn't-"

"Can you spare me the speech? You sound like a broken record" I roll my eyes but even I'm surprised that I'm talking to Sam like this. I've never been rude to my father or brothers on purpose. Sam doesn't look angry though; he just sort of nods and takes a breath as though he's debating whether or not to try again

"I didn't want to leave you," he finally says "and I'm sorry"

"No, you're not. You'd do it all over again if you had the chance" I accuse and drop myself down at the table bitterly. "Wouldn't you?"

"Yes" He sighs as though he feels guilty, "but that doesn't mean that I'm not sorry"

"Alright, fine. You're sorry" I shrug and stand, "what do you want me to do about it?"

"Nothing. I guess. I just want you to know"

"Mission accomplished." I say with a brief sarcastic smile and Dean walks out of the bathroom followed by a cloud of steam. He claps and says it's time to go. In the car I ask if I can call Ellen to find out how Haydn is doing. Dean seems a little annoyed as he dials the number and turns on the speakerphone. The call goes directly to voicemail and Dean tells her to give us a call back when she has the chance. I'm unhappy but I appreciate the attempt anyway. Dean's amazing. He asks about my summer with my girlfriend. I tell him about laser tag and bike riding, he cringes when I talk about meeting her folks, and grins when I tell him about our night camping out under the stars. He laughs and winks at me through the rearview mirror.

"Atta boy" he chuckles. He seems so proud of me that I contemplate not telling him that Haydn and I never made it past second base, but then I think of her and how she'll feel when she finally gets to meet my brothers and they think she's just some girl I screwed over the summer.

"It's not what you think, Dean" I say quickly, "It was innocent. It was nice"

"Wait. You mean to tell me that you had a girlfriend for a month and you didn't even…"

"Nope"

"Not even…"

"No."

"Did you at least get to…?"

"Dean, we held hands, we kissed. We talked. That's it. Can we drop it now?"

He makes a face but he changes the subject and starts talking about Bobby. I'm excited that we're going to meet up with him today. I wonder if he'll think that I've grown too. Sam and Dean catch up and laugh in the front seat, I join in on the conversation but I never speak to Sam directly. He notices and looks back at me through the rearview mirror. I always look away.

Bobby greets me with a bear hug and ruffles my hair. He says I've gotten bigger and I smile and tell him that I missed him. It's true, I just didn't realize how much until I saw him again. He tells us that we have about four hours before we get to where we're going and I'm not sure where that is but Sam and Dean hurry back into the car so I follow.

When we arrive, I meet Pamela Barnes for the first time. She has dark hair and a flirty smile. She flirts with Sam and Dean and they seem to like it but I think it's gross. She notices me staring at her and laughs. She tells me to give her a call in ten years. I know she's just joking but I politely tell her no thank you. She just laughs again. I think she's a fake when she gathers us around for the séance but I don't mention it and I'm glad because I was wrong. Castiel burns her eyes right out of their sockets with a beam of white lights and I'm terrified. Sam scrambles to the next room to call the cops and Bobby holds Pam. I clutch on to Dean like a child and though he tries to move out of my grasp so he can help, I cling on with all of my weight and he hangs back. I realize then that I'm close to tears as I bury my face into his shirt and beg Castiel not to hurt him. Dean rests an arm on my back but I know he wishes I would let go because Pam is screaming in pain and terror. I don't want to check on her, I want to get my family out of here before this creature Castiel decides to disintegrate my brothers. Sam runs back and says that the ambulance is on its way. I yank at Dean's shirt and beg him and Sam to come on. Bobby tells them us to go and that he'll take care of things here. Dean finally starts moving and Sam, Dean and I all run from the house and pile into the Impala. My body is quaking like Jell-O and I wrap my arms tightly around my body. Sam and Dean are talking in the front seat almost frantically but I can't hear a word they're saying. I don't think I've ever prayed once in my life until that moment when I begged God, if there was one up there listening, not to take my brothers from me again. Don't let Castiel find us and hurt them. Take anything from me including my life; just don't take Sam and Dean. Not when I just got them back. Not again.

* * *

We pull into a diner and Sam calls Bobby who tells him that Pam will be okay but that she's blind now. Dean feels bad about it and blames us all for her misfortune, but it's not our fault that she didn't listen when whatever that thing is told her to back off. I'm not too put out by what happened because my brothers are okay and that's more than I could ever have hoped for. Dean wants to go after this thing but Sam is like me and wants to be more careful. The waitress who has been serving us looms over our table and sits down and we all watch her awkwardly. Her eyes flick black and the three of us realize that we're surrounded by demons. My first instinct is to run for it but when I see my brothers lock eyes with the waitress and stay sitting, I know that we would never make it to the door. One of the demons walks over to the door and locks it for good measure. She wants to know how Dean got out of hell. She threatens to drag him back and Sam jumps a little in his seat. Right now, I'd like nothing more than to shove Ruby's knife down this bitch's throat and watch her choke on it. For a moment I can picture her coughing around it and splattering specs of blood on my forearm while I did it and then Dean slaps her across the face. I'm almost as stunned as she is. I've never seen my brother strike a woman before unless they were in a heated battle. She straightens up and he slaps her again. I glance over at Sam but he's watching like it's all been done before. I imitate his expression the best I can, after all I was just fantasizing about murdering the demon lady. Then again, somehow killing feels less wrong than slapping her in the face while she just sits there and takes it.

"That's what I thought." Dean says. He takes out his wallet, drops a bill on the table for the food, and we leave. Sam wants to go back there and finish them off. I wonder when Sam became so eager to kill. That night we check into a motel nearby. This time I take the spare bed and Sam gets the couch. Dean and I both doze off within an hour. I wake up just as Sam puts his hand on the doorknob.

"Where are you going?" I ask and bound towards him

"Evan" He says as though I took him by surprise

"Where are you going?" I say again

"Uh, I was just about to head out for a drive and clear my head" He nods and shrugs. I don't believe him

"Can I come?"

His eyes widen "really?"

"Yeah"

Sam's face contorts into an awkward frown like he's debating it. "Yeah, you can come but uh, I think you should probably stay here with Dean just in case he wakes up"

I nod and chew my lip "Yeah Sam. Do your thing"

Sam reaches an arm towards me with his fingers out like he's about to touch my hair but he pulls back and leaves.

Almost immediately after I hear the car pull out of the parking lot the alarm clock next to Dean starts playing static. Dean wakes up and jumps out of bed. He grabs a gun and points it to the sky. The high pitch ringing in the room is deafening. I run to Dean's side and glass starts to shatter from all of the windows. I shield my ears but it doesn't help, the pitch of the ringing is so sharp that it feels like my eardrums are about to rupture. I drop to my knees and Dean falls next to me. So this is it for us. Castiel is coming and he's going to kill us. I'm glad I stayed so that Dean wouldn't be alone in this. At least Sam made it out in one piece. The front door swings open and Bobby charges in and drags me to my feet by my elbows. Dean and I follow him to his car and we speed away.

"Where's Sam?" Dean asks me but he calls him before I have a chance to answer and asks for himself. Dean tells Sam that we're hanging out with Bobby for now but he doesn't mention anything about what just happened in the motel. Dean and Sam have been back in my life for a little more than 24hrs and already the secrets have begun. I lean forward in my seat and ask where we're going for real and he says that we're going to summon this thing once and for all.

"Then what?"

"Then we're going to kill it"

I sit back as Bobby tries to talk him out of it and in the end Dean wins the argument. I stay silent. Tonight I'm going to die and I know that but it's okay because this time it's going to take me too. I'm going to make sure of it.

* * *

Bobby paints graffiti all over the walls in the cellar. I can identify a few of them but not most of them. Bobby says that whatever it is is bound to get stuck in one of the traps he set out. Dean lays out the arsenal of weapons from every creature we've ever hunted or heard of from stakes to silver. Bobby glances over at me and then at Dean and says that this is a really bad idea but Dean brushes him off again. Bobby starts the summoning ritual and I poise my gun towards the door. Dean uses one hand to push me behind him and takes my position. When Bobby finishes he stares at the door. Then we wait. And wait. And wait. An hour later Dean asks if Bobby did the ritual right as he spins a knife around on the table. Then the shutters start to shake. Dean leaps up and I run next to him. He pushes me behind him with one hand and the lights begin to shatter in their sockets. The cellar doors swing open and a man in a beige trench coat and suit takes a step inside. He's a man! Or at least he looks like one. Lights continue to break around him and sparks sprinkle the floor like water from a broken faucet. He walks past the devil's trap without flinching and then past everything else that Bobby drew. Dean fires a shot right at the man's heart and the man keeps walking without pause. The gun falls right out of my hands as Bobby and Dean continue firing. Dean grabs Ruby's knife from the table and asks

"Who are you?"

The man says "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition"

"Yeah? Thanks for that" Dean says and lodges the knife into the man's heart. The man just removes the blade from his chest and drops it to the floor. Bobby swings at him with a pipe from behind and the man blocks it without even looking, turns and touches Bobby's forehead. Bobby falls in a heap.

"Bobby!" I scream, grab my gun from the ground and fire. The man grabs my rifle by the nozzle, yanks it forward, and I tumble towards him. I hear Dean yell "No!" before the man touches my forehead and I collapse into darkness.


	12. I'm Just Doing My Job

When I wake up again, I'm at Bobby's on the couch in his study with Sam, Dean and Bobby. Dean says that Castiel says he's an angel but that he doesn't believe that's true. Sam is excited. He believes that Castiel is an angel. How else could anyone explain his immunity to all of the traps and weapons that were used against him? Bobby tells Dean that angels have the ability to raise people from hell. Nothing else has that ability as far as he knows. They're talking about God now. They say that God may be real after all and that he's chosen to save Dean. I've always known that Dean was special but I never knew how important he was to the world outside of my family. I have so many questions but I can't articulate a single one of them. I'm so overwhelmed. Bobby drops a stack of books in front of Dean and Sam goes out to get pie. Dean tosses me one of the books off of the top of the heap and I catch it.

"Dean, if angels are real and God is real, does that mean heaven is real too?"

"I don't know kid, this whole thing is a little too freaky for me to grasp." He says as his eyes scan a book

"Because if there's a heaven, that means Dad probably is in heaven, right?"

"Well he broke out of hell" Dean frowned as he considered the idea

"And if Dad's in heaven, my mom is probably there too, right?"

Dean looks up from his book. His eyes are shaded with sympathy for me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I guess he never thinks about where his mom ended up and feels bad because I'm so curious about my own mother.

"Yeah, probably" He says and I look back down at my book until another question pops into my mind.

"Do you think they've met? Our moms? Like maybe they're with Dad and they're all floating around up there playing in the clouds?"

Dean's brow is furrowed now and I know my questions are getting carried away but I let my mind put them all together in heaven. I wonder if Dad had a lot of explaining to do to his wife when she found out about my mom. I hope they're being nice to her and not making her feel left out. Dean calls Sam and reminds him to get the pie. I think it's because he doesn't want to have to answer any more of my questions so I stop asking. He seems relieved. Bobby gets a phone call about one of his friends and he wants to go check on her because she's in some sort of trouble. When Sam gets back Dean and I pile in and follow Bobby's car. Sam forgot the pie.

* * *

Bobby's friend Olivia is already dead when we get there. She's lying in a pool of her own blood and what smells faintly of urine. When I blink I can see Dean being ripped apart by invisible claws and teeth; blood spewing from his chest and into a pool on the floor. Bobby walks out of the room and Sam and Dean try to piece together what happened. It's strange to think about how calm and collected we all are moving around the room with a dead woman lying in her own blood and filth but that doesn't seem to bother anyone. The smell is what bothers me. It's vile but Sam and Dean don't pay any mind to that either so I try to ignore it. Bobby walks back in and tells us that his other hunter friends aren't picking up their phones so we decide to split up and investigate. I'm just can't wait to get a breath of fresh air.

Everywhere we go, we find dead bodies of hunters. Bobby has the same luck too so we decide to haul ass back to his place. When we get there, Sam splits off to check the junkyard and Dean and I go inside. The house is dark and drafty. Bobby doesn't answer when Dean calls out for him.

"Dean Winchester, still so bossy. You don't remember me?" A woman with black eyes says from behind us.

"Meg?" Dean breathes.

"Hi. It's okay, I'm not a-"

I cock my gun and fire a salt round into her chest and she vanishes. Dean grabs me by my arm and runs with me into the study.

"How did you know she was a ghost?" Dean pants

"I didn't" I say, "I thought maybe she could be dangerous. Guess I was right"

Dean's eyes widen at me briefly but not in the way he does when he's impressed.

"You guess you're right?" He says pointedly like I've said something wrong

"What?" I frown

He doesn't answer. He just hurries over to the entrance to the study and starts salting the floor. That's when she shows up again and kicks him. He slides across the floor and skids to a halt. Before I'm able to get a shot at her, she has Dean by his coat lapels.

"You threw me off of a building!" She shrieks at him,

"I'm sorry." He groans

"I had a sister, Dean. I-"

I fired off another round at her and she vanished again. This time I race to the door and salt it while Dean grunts back to his feet and rubs his ribs

"I _was_ right." I snap at him over my shoulder just as Sam and Bobby hurry in

Dean tells them about Meg. He says that she has a scar on her hand and draws it for Bobby, who then takes us down into his basement.

"Solid iron" Bobby says once we get down there and see the gigantic metal structure.

"You built a panic room?" Sam asks, clearly impressed

"I had a weekend off"

We climb inside and Sam and Dean start making more salt rounds.

"Shouldn't we call Ellen?" I ask, "I mean. She could be in danger, right?"

Dean takes his cellphone out of his pocket and tosses it to me. Suddenly I'm so excited that I can hardly breathe. I think of Haydn's soft hand touch mine as we lay beneath the stars while I dial the number.

"Hello?" Ellen answers after the third ring

"Ellen?"

"_Hey, kid. How are you? I didn't think I'd hear from you for a long time."_

"We called but your phone went to voicemail. How is… you know. How is she?"

"_I'm sorry kid, once you left I had to hightail it out of there before the cops came around asking questions. They wouldn't understand that you ran off with your brother who just came back from the dead"_

My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach and burned in the acids. Ellen was his only shot at communication with Haydn.

"So. So, you have no idea if she's okay?"

"_I got a call from her uncle after he picked her up from the police station and he was screaming for your blood but she's alright. She's a tough kid, Evan. She knows all about the life first hand and she understands" _

"Hey, prom queen" Dean calls at me, "you think you could get off the phone?"

"I have to go, Ellen. If you hear anything…"

"_I'll let you know"_

"Okay. Thanks"

"_Take care, hon"_

"You too" I say and hang up

Bobby says that the mark on Meg's hand was a sign that the apocalypse is starting. I don't know how I feel about that because I can hardly grasp what that means. My world has ended over and over again my entire life so I guess I'm not so afraid but I still can't fathom everything actually ending for good. Bobby says he can stop all of this but we have to go back to the study and use the fireplace.

"Maybe the angels can help us!" I say enthusiastically now that we have supernatural allies.

"They've never helped us before" Dean says

* * *

Bobby tells us to cover each other if we want to keep our skins just in case the angels decide not to show and we all leave the panic room. Ghosts confront us seconds after we head up the steps. I don't recognize the ones who go after Sam and Dean but a boy that I recognize appears before me. It's the boy who died from the werewolf attack from my first hunting trip with Dad. I shot the creature in it's arm because I wasn't a great shot back then but Dean quickly shot it through the heart right after. The boy died in front of me with one final exhale; now he's standing in front of me with his teeth bared accusing me of killing him. Bobby, Sam, and Dean look regretful as they ward off the ghosts, they even look apologetic for being unable to save them from the supernatural horrors that caused their deaths, but as I look at this dead boy I feel no remorse. I did what I could to save him but he died anyway. Why should I feel sorry for that?

"I needed hel-" I shoot him in the face before he finishes and run to Sam because I can hear Meg talking to him. Why do they let them talk to them?

"-But what you're doing with that demon, Ruby…" I hear her say and skid to a stop before rounding the corner. What?

"How many innocent bodies has Ruby burned through for kicks?"

Sam is still seeing Ruby? I thought she was dead! He isn't denying it. Why hasn't he told anyone? Why is he keeping secrets?

"You're a monster!" Meg screams and then a shot rings out. Sam runs out into the hallway and sees me.

"Evan" He gasps, "What are you doing here? You should be in the salt circle with Bobby"

I narrow my eyes at him and run back to the study. For a few moments at the end of Bobby's spell, we're trapped by angry spirits. All I hear are shots being fired over and over and the high-pitched ringing in my ears from the noise. Meg pushes Sam against the wall and traps him with a desk. I'm out of bullets so I grab the iron fire poker and swing it at her. She disappears and Sam pushes himself from behind the desk. All the ghosts vanish once the ritual is complete. Sam gives me an appreciative nod but I can't even look at him. He's a liar and he knows that I know it. He approaches me later that night in the kitchen when everyone else is sleeping.

"What did you hear?" He asks solemnly

"Enough"

"Are you going to tell Dean?"

"Are you?"

"Yeah. Just. When the time is right"

I run a hand through my hair and snort, "You know up until now I just thought you were a liar, but now I can see that you're a coward too"

The pain of my words resonates deeply on his tired face "I'm doing this for a reason, Evan. I'm doing this because I have to" He's not looking at me. He's looking out into the distance and despite my anger, something in his tone worries me.

"What _are_ you doing, Sam?"

He doesn't answer.

"Sam" I squeak in exasperation, "I'm not a little kid anymore. When are you going to trust me?" I'm vaguely aware of how young I sound as I whine at him

"I do trust you, Evan" Sam says to me sincerely, "with my life"

"But not your secrets" I say and walk out of the kitchen.

* * *

A week later I wake up in the dead of night because I hear a fluttering sound in my ear and then I realize that I'm alone in the motel room. Dean's bed is empty, Sam's bed is empty, and the Impala is still in the parking lot. Panic prickles through my veins like ice and it physically hurts. Sam and Dean's phones are both off so I call Bobby and tell him what happened.

_"I'm sure they're fine Evan, maybe they just went out for a beer together or something"_

"And forgot to take the car?" I'm almost screaming

_"Calm down son, I'll give them a call and see what's up"_

"Bobby, their phones are off!"

I hear a flutter behind me and spin around. The angel Castiel is standing behind me.

"I got to go" I say quickly and hang up the phone. I had been excited to see an angel again up until this point when I'm terrified and vulnerable and painfully unarmed.

"W-w-where are my brothers?" I ask in almost a whisper

"Dean is in Lawrence"

"Kansas?"

"Yes"

"How? Why? Why didn't he call me?"

"He's out of cellphone range. He's requested that I let you know where he is"

"Lawrence? He can't call from Lawrence?"

"Lawrence, Kansas April 30th, 1973"

"Dean is the year 1973?" Even I can't believe the words coming out of my mouth and I can believe an awful lot "Can you bring him back, please? Uhm, Amen?"

"Not yet." He vanishes

"Wait! Where's Sam?" I yell into the darkness but he doesn't come back.

* * *

In every movie about time travel that I've ever seen, time stood still until the time traveler came back but as I watched the clock on the wall tick the hours away, I realized that the movies were wrong. Dean came back at 3am in a flutter but he was sleeping as though he never left. Castiel appeared shortly after at his side and Dean sprung awake.

"Dean!" I yell and take a few steps forward. He just looks at me and looks down at the ground. When he speaks he talks directly to Castiel. He says that she still made the deal. I don't know who she is but I'll ask later. Castiel tells him that he couldn't have stopped it and suddenly I feel very small. They talk as though I'm not in the room about things I don't know about without bothering to explain it to me. I slink back over to the wall and watch.

"Where's Sam?" Dean asks and I'm not sure whether he's talking to me or the angel, but Castiel answers before I can say that I don't know. He says something about yellow eyes and his plans for Sam. I feel nervous, yellow eyes is dead so why does it matter what he wanted with Sam? He lost and we won. End of story.

"Where's Sam?" Dean repeats but I don't try to answer this time.

"425 Waterman" Castiel says and Dean gestures his head towards the door so I grab my duffel. Castiel says that Sam is headed down a dangerous road and that if Dean can't stop it then they will. I wonder how hard it is to kill an angel.

I grill Dean in the car even though I can tell he isn't in the mood to talk. I deserve answers.

"Dean who were you talking about? Who couldn't you save?"

Dean gripped the wheel of the Impala so hard his knuckles turn white in the fluorescent glow of passing streetlights.

"My mom" He says gruffly

"You went back in time to see your mom?" I gasp, "really? Was Dad there? What did he say? Did he recognize you? What was he like?"

"No, he didn't recognize me. He was different. Not a hunter. He got into after Mom died"

"Your mom was a hunter too? Why did Castiel send you back? Do you think he would send me back?" As I ask the question my heart thumps wildly against my chest. Could he send me back to meet my mom? What was she like? I can't remember what she looks like but I know she was pretty. Maybe I could go back to the part where Mom and Dad fell in love.

"I don't know." He says but I can tell by his tone that he's both doubtful and distracted. I don't let it discourage me. If Castiel sent Dean back then he could send me back too. I look out of the window and daydream about her surprise and pride when she sees how big I am. I'm so excited that I forgot how much trouble Sam is in. It isn't until Dean and I sneak out of the car and over to a window that I remember. That's when I see Sam with his hand out in front of a man tied up in a chair. The man has smoke pouring out of his mouth. Demon smoke. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

"Dean" I whisper in shock

"Come" He says and I follow him around to the front entrance. Sam opens the door before we can. He has the man from the chair with him. Dean is seething. Sam says that he can explain and Dean cuts him off to ask who the girl is. I'm wondering the same thing until she speaks and says, "It's good to see you again, Dean". I recognize her voice instantly because ever since the last time I've heard it, it played over and over relentlessly in my mind for the second half of my summer at Ellen's. That was the woman who answered Sam's phone.

"Ruby?" Dean asks

"Ruby!" I scream at Sam. "That's who you ditched me for? Ruby?"

"Just. Wait." Sam says to either me or Dean. Or maybe the both of us, but it's too late and Dean lunges at Ruby and shoves her against the wall. He grabs Ruby's knife from his holster and tries to stab her but Sam grabs his hand away.

"Don't!" Sam pries the knife from Dean's grasp and Dean slams Sam against the wall. Ruby throws Dean away from Sam and slams him against the wall with her forearm to his throat. I start reciting the exorcism and her head swings in my direction. Her eyes are black. Dean shoves her off of him and then Sam wedges himself in between them.

"Wait! Just stop!" Sam orders Ruby to take the injured man to the hospital and she obeys. Dean glares at Sam for a little and then starts towards the door. I follow close behind. Sam calls out for us and I stop to look back at him but Dean grabs me by the arm and yanks me forward.

"How is he going to get back?" I ask as I stumble forward towards the car

Dean's jaw clenches tightly and he jerks the car door open and drops inside. I hurry in after him and shut the door behind me. We don't drive back to the motel. Dean drives us around town for an hour before finally pulling up to the edge of a lake. Dean's out of the car as soon as it stops and in a moment, he's sitting at the edge of the car's hood; I join him.

"Are you okay?"

Dean shakes his head and stares out at the water. We both stare at the water for fifteen minutes but I'm still trying to process what I just saw.

"Ruby" Dean says, "freaking Ruby all this time and he didn't tell us. And what was that back there? He exorcised a demon? With his mind?"

"That part was pretty cool" I shrug

"Cool?" He says and rounds on me so fast that I instantly regret my input

"You think that Sam exorcising demons with his mind is cool?"

"Well, I mean, it's kind of cool. Right?"

"Evan, an angel came down from heaven to tell me to stop him. He's using powers that he got from the demon who killed both of our parents. You think that's cool?"

"Well, not when you say it like that… but…" I trail off

"I'm done" He says shaking his head again, "I'm getting off this crazy train. Sam wants to work with Ruby? That's fine but I'm out"

"Out? What do you mean you're out?"

"I mean that I'm done. He's been lying to me and sneaking around since the moment I got back. Well, now he won't have to"

"Dean, you can't quit" I frown, "what about what Castiel said? He said that he'd stop Sam unless we do"

Dean stares out at the lake and shakes his head again.

"But we just got back together. I don't think you realize how much we needed you when you were gone. We still need you"

Dean's still shaking his head but I know he's not really going to leave. He's just angry.

"We are not working with demons" He says after a while, "come on"

Dean slides off of the car's hood and opens the driver's side door.

"What are you going to do?"

"We're getting our stuff and we're leaving. Let Sam work with his little girlfriend on his own. He doesn't need us"

We drive to the motel in silence. Sam is waiting for us when we get back but Dean doesn't say a word. We both start packing our things.

"Where are you going?" Sam says

Dean doesn't answer and neither do I. I've been waiting to walk out on Sam since we reunited just to show him how it feels.

"Are you guys just, leaving?"

"You don't need us" Dean finally says, "You and Ruby go fight demons"

It's over right as he opens his mouth to answer. I put my bag back down because I know we aren't going anywhere now that Sam got Dean to talk to him. I sit back down on the bed and watch Dean put on his show. He pushes past Sam and starts towards the door. He doesn't tell me to come because he also knows that he's not really leaving. Sam tells Dean to hold on and Dean turns around and punches him right in the face. I wince at the sound of his knuckles crashing into Sam's cheek. That's got to hurt. Sam turns back slowly and regroups.

"You satisfied?" He asks. Ballsy. Dean punches him again and then throws his bag on the ground. Sam's lip is bleeding now. He touches the blood with his fingertips.

"I guess not." He says. I can't help but grin at his persistent sassiness (as Ellen would call it). If Dean cracked me in the face like that I'd probably be sniveling like a little baby but Sam just absorbs it like a sponge. I guess he's used to it by now. Sam and Dean don't hesitate to lay each other out when things get really heated between them. I feel a pang of jealousy in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. My brothers have never laid a hand on me when they were angry besides an occasional slap in the back of the head or some manhandling. I know they would pulverize me if they ever got physical but it's just the way things are done between them. Now I feel left out. Maybe they're just waiting for me to get bigger so I can brush off hits as easily as they do. I can't wait until I am. Sam looks like he's about to cry and now I know I missed something because they're just kind of staring at each other.

"So should I unpack now?" I ask, breaking the intense silence just as Sam's cellphone starts to ring. After he hangs up, we're off to Carthage, Missouri.

* * *

For the record, I was against killing Jack Montgomery from the beginning. I didn't trust Travis as far as I could throw him but then again, unlike with Sam and Dean, he was a stranger to me. He beamed at my brothers and told them how grown up they were and how proud Dad would've been of them for sticking together, and then he looked down at me intense confusion.

"You guys doing a ride-along or something?" He cackles

"Travis, this is our kid brother Evan" Dean grins and hooks an arm around my shoulders.

"Hi" I say feeling embarrassed by Dean's display of affection.

"Brother? I thought it was just the two of you"

"Well" Dean laughs, "you know my Dad."

"Boy, your Daddy and his secrets" Travis clucks, "the old rascal. Anyway, thanks for helping out an old man. I'm a little short-handed"

He's laughing again. His arm is in a cast so I'm guessing that he's trying to be funny. Then he starts telling us that Jack Montgomery is something called a rougarou and he's going to turn into a monster soon and start eating people. But he's human now and he'll stay that way if he doesn't kill anyone. Sam doesn't want to kill him unless he changes into a monster and I agree. Not because I feel sorry for Jack or want to save him because as far as I know, he may very well start killing innocent people, but because Travis wants this guy dead so badly that I'm starting to think that he would enjoy killing a guy who hasn't done anything wrong and that's not okay with me. Plus there's something about Travis that I don't trust. Sam confronts Jack one day and tells him everything that's going on with him and about his possible transformation which of course just freaks the guy out, but when we trail him around, he looks like he genuinely has a handle on his crazy urges. I just wish that one of us could have trailed Travis too because the moment we leave him alone he breaks into Jack's house and strings his wife up to a chair and douses her in gasoline. At least that's what I gather when we arrive at the house because Travis is dead and half-eaten and the smell of gasoline is thick and toxic.

"Oh God, do you think that's Travis?" Dean asks and wrinkles his nose

"I'm going to go get my torch" I whisper and run back out to the Impala to grab a weapon just in case Jack is still inside. Suddenly there's a crash from inside the house so I dash back in as fast as I can just in time to see Jack hauling Sam into a closet and Dean laying unconscious on a coffee table. Travis wasn't lying; Jack really did look monstrous. His face and body were contorted and misshapen. I can smell the rotting flesh in between his molars. He's blubbering pretty hard so it's hard to make out what he's saying but I think he's calling out for his wife Michelle. I spark my torch as gently as I can and a flame licks at the nozzle a few times and dies. Crap. Just perfect. I set the torch down on the floor and scope the room for something else I can use to kill this thing.

"Dean?" Sam croaks from inside the closet

"Dean can't come to the phone right now" Jack cries. I'll let Sam distract him for as long as possible while I search for a weapon. While Sam is yanking and pounding on the closet door I move as stealthily as I can into the kitchen. That's when I find my answer, the liquor cabinet. As I stuff the washrags from the rack by the fridge into the mouths of the booze bottles I just found, I imagine how much Sam and Dean are going to freak out when I get them out of here. I practically dance back into the living room with Jack and Dean before I sit behind his couch out of his view.

"He tried to burn my wife alive" Jack sniffles. I knew it. Travis, you bastard, you definitely got what you deserved. I light the end of the rag that's protruding from one of the bottles and pitch it hard at Jack. Glass shatters and he bursts into flames immediately. If this was baseball, that may have been a no-hitter! I cheer for myself internally and light two more before pitching them into the ball of fire that was once Jack Montgomery.

He's screaming and running around like a headless chicken. Dean wakes up from the table with a yelp just as Sam bursts through the closet door.

"Who's the man?" I shout with my fingers pointed at me. Sam and Dean look at me wide-eyed and then back at Jack who almost literally melts down to the ground.

"You are both welcome" I smirk and clap my hands on my brothers' backs. Sam and Dean look at each other with the same petrified eyes. This was not the reaction I had expected. It's disappointing.

"Dean?" Sam says

"Yeah" Dean says back and next thing I know I'm being spun around and pushed quickly out of the door and into the car.

"Why are you guys acting so weird?" I ask as Dean floors it, "I just saved your asses back there!"

"Did you just deep-fry that guy with Molotov's?"

"My torch was dead. What was I supposed to do?"

"No, that was awesome. Thank you but-"

"But what? Dean, come on!"

"But you were dancing, Evan" Sam says, "don't get me wrong; Evan I'm happy you saved us, hell, we both are… but you were basically cheering while the guy burned to death two feet in front of you"

"I'm sorry that I'm happy my brothers weren't eaten alive by a hideous monster?" I squint. What is their deal? I fold my arms across my chest and glare out of the window and the car gets quiet. I can see Sam and Dean exchange a worried look in the corner of my eye. I don't care what they think because I know I did the right thing. Dad would be proud of me. I'm proud of me.


	13. I Know Where I Belong

Dean and Sam thinks that it would be a good idea to stay in one place for a while so we can all take a small break from hunting. And by "we" they mean me. Dean and Sam have been chummy since Sam decided that he wasn't going to work with Ruby anymore so they go out together. While they're working on a case that sounds a lot like ghoul attacks, I have to sit in school. High school without Haydn is an unbearable thought but I can't talk my way out of going.

"Dean, I'm not going to use any of the garbage they teach me at this place and you know it"

"No, there are tons of things I learned in high school" He scoffs

"Like?"

Dean squints and looks towards the ceiling like he's thinking for a long time and then says "Let me get back to you on that"

I roll my eyes and appeal to the voice of reason "Sam, this is pointless. I'm a hunter, not a student"

"You might like it. I did. Plus you're fourteen which means you have another two years before you can drop out"

It feels like a punishment but Sam and Dean both seem genuinely amused when they drop me off in front of the school.

"I can just ditch?" I grumble

"Do you really want to try that?" Dean winks

"Jerks"

* * *

I know why they've sent me here. I've overheard them talking about it when they thought I was asleep. They think I need to be around kids my age. I guess I've been scaring them recently by doing my job too well. It doesn't matter where they send me, Haydn is the only other person I could relate to and nothing will change that. I'll never fit in. A tall, thin man with curly black hair greets me at the door. He has a British accent and introduces himself as Principal Black.

"Evan Tyler" I say and shake his hand

"Yes, Mr. Tyler, your father has instructed me to ring him as soon as you were properly away in class"

"My father, huh?" I roll my eyes

"Yes, your father" He affirms and starts rattling off a list of rules and protocols that he wants me to follow as he walks me to my first class.

"Failure to meet any of the standards will result in immediate suspension"

I tell him that I understand and he smiles brightly.

"Good. Then we should get on quite well, I imagine. Well, here we are; room 224. Arithmetic. Good luck" He nods and saunters away.

"Thanks" I say and head inside.

The entire class freezes as I walk through the door as if I had interrupted a private conversation that they were having and they were waiting for me to leave to continue it. The teacher, a short portly woman with lipstick smudges around the outline of her lips approaches me.

"Evan Tyler?"

"Yes, ma'am" I say down at her, she comes up just below my shoulder height wise.

"I'm Mrs. Belview, you can go have a seat wherever you like"

The class is staring at me and sizing me up. I can tell that they're trying to decide where I belong in their micro society. A pretty girl with red hair and freckles over the bridge of her nose motions to the empty seat next to her with her dark blue eyes. I walk over and sit down, and the teacher resumes her lesson.

"Hi, I'm Amber" The girl whispers to me

"Evan" I say

"Nice to meet you" She reaches a hand out and I grip it in mine for a second and release it. She smiles and flips her hair back. She's thin. Too thin, in my opinion, but I try not to judge because she seems friendly enough. When the school bell rings she walks next to me and asks for my schedule.

"What time do you have lunch?"

"Uh, I'm not sure" I shrug because she's holding my schedule and could easily check for herself.

"Fifth period, awesome. You can sit with me and my friends. So, where are you from?"

"All over. My Dad… and the Marines, so…"

"Oh, that's cool. What class do you have now?" She asks as she scans my schedule again, "Biology with Mr. Harold, room 106. He's pretty easy as long as you pretend that you're interested. My advice is sit at one of the tables with the nerds."

"The nerds?" I cock an eyebrow

"You'll know them when you see them. They have an aura." She giggles. I know she's trying to be cute but she's already beginning to annoy me

"Thanks for the heads up" I say with a quick nod and duck into my classroom

"See you at lunch" She calls after me

* * *

As much as I hate to admit it, she's right. The "nerdy kids" stick out like a bad 80's high school romantic comedy. Even if I had wanted to sit next to them, all of the seats are taken. I see a few slack-jawed stoners at the table who obviously are on the same page as Amber. I sit at an empty table and the class slowly begins to fill up. Before the late bell rings, I'm sitting at a table of three other people. Two guys wearing sports jackets and another thin girl with long black hair. I think about Haydn's dark hair when I see it. Haydn's hair wasn't as dark as this girl's and it wasn't as pin straight. I miss Haydn terribly.

"Are you new?" The guy with short blonde hair asks me over the chatter

"Yeah" I say

"Riley Scott" He says with a grin

"Evan Tyler"

"Where are you from?" The brown haired one asks

"All over. My Dad. Military" I say

"Really? Man, that's pretty badass. I have so much respect for the military, you know? I'm thinking of joining after I graduate. I'm Jake by the way"

"Hey"

"Did you meet Principal Black yet?" The girl says. Her lips curve up in a delicate smile. I bring my eyes back up to meet hers. Her eyes are deep brown.

"Yeah"

"He's a total dick. Watch out for him because you do not want to be on his bad side"

"I'll keep that in mind"

"Jen has been on Black's shit list since last year when she blew the lacrosse championship" Jake snickers

"I didn't blow it. I fainted" Jen explains to me, "Black's just a jerk"

"Ms. Ellison, do you have something to share with the class?" The Man standing in front of the class says. I didn't realize that the teacher had come in.

"Sorry, Mr. Harold" Jen says and tucks a hair behind her ear shyly. When she puts her hand back on the table it brushes against mine. Her skin is so soft and smooth. I wonder if her long neck is as smooth. It looks like rich, creamy, milk chocolate and I want to taste it. I look away from her and concentrate on what the teacher is saying. I can't believe I let myself think those thoughts about another girl. I hope Haydn forgives me when we meet up again. Jake, Riley, and Jen chatter quietly for the remainder of class. Jake is in another class of mine right after so he sits next to me. Some guy comes in a little late and looks at Jake in frustration so I assume that seat was his until today. When lunchtime rolls around Amber finds me on the buffet line and tells me to come sit with her and her friends. I almost object but I see Jen sitting in the corner, and she's looking right at me. She waves at me and I pretend not to see her. I sit at Amber's table. She introduces me to all of her other skinny friends and their skinny boyfriends as if we're long time friends and talks until I get a headache. I'm not coming back here tomorrow. I don't care if I have to beg and cry.

* * *

"Stop crying" Dean rolls his eyes at me

"Please tell me that you've at least closed in on this things so you can kill it and we can get out of here"

"We're working on it" Sam says but a little too casually.

"What are you guys even doing here?" I demand. "Shouldn't you be out trying to catch this thing?"

"Uh, yeah. Yup" Sam nods, "We just came back for a few minutes to-"

"To see how your day was" Dean finishes for him with a grin

"What the hell is going on here? Did you guys already kill it or something?"

Sam and Dean look at each other guiltily.

"Then what the hell are we even doing here? Let's go!"

"Evan, you have to go to school sometimes. I did it and Sam did it, now it's your turn. If you want, you can drop out at sixteen and get your GED"

"Why do I need a GED? I'm a hunter!"

"Yeah well maybe" Dean says, his voice tone drops a little bit so I know he's getting more serious, "but this thing you're doing now? Travelling around with us, cooped up in the car or in random shady motels 24/7 isn't good for you. You need to be around kids your own age"

"Why?"

"Because you're growing up too fast" Sam says flatly, "you're losing yourself in the job, Evan"

"What you did the other night…"

"You said it was awesome" I frown

"It was also a wake up call" Dean says, "plus high school isn't so bad. You got cheerleaders…"

"And?"

"You need more?"

* * *

I lose my virginity on a cold October night in Riley Scott's basement. I didn't want to go to the party but Sam and Dean were off to October fest to go work on a case. I was home alone and I was bored and frankly a little sore that my brothers decided not to take me along with them, so when Amber called and asked if I would take her to the party, I agreed. I bet she didn't expect me to pick her up from her place in a taxi but then again, I didn't expect her to show up wearing a bra and shorts in the middle of October when it was freezing cold outside.

"You look so handsome" She smiled at me even though I was still wearing the same clothes that she had seen me in at school earlier that same day.

Riley's parents were out of town so he decided to throw a massive party at his house. I don't know how they would react when they came back and saw the place a wreck but Riley obviously didn't care. Dad would've kicked my ass if I even thought about doing something like this. Then again, I'd never think about doing anything close to this ever so I guess Dad wouldn't have to worry about it… If he was alive…

Amber keeps smiling at me. I can tell that she likes me but I can't help but compare her to Haydn all the time and she pales in comparison. It isn't her fault that Haydn was perfect, but it's not my fault either, so I can't help that I don't have feelings for Amber. Riley's house is vibrating from the blasting music. He greets me with a hug and a beer. He's always been friendly with me but after gym last week, when he saw me hit a ball out of the park during our baseball unit, he hasn't left me alone. I don't know what he'll think when we start football next week but I'm sure he won't be as impressed.

"Super star and Amber alert!" Riley laughs, he's clearly drunk and Amber gives him a scowl. Riley and Amber never got along from what I've heard. I wonder why she wanted to come to his party so badly. Then it occurs to me that at least half of the school is at this party. Amber is drunk within an hour. Toddie Markins strokes her hair soothingly and tells her he'll take care of her. My fist meets his nose before his lips touch her face. Dean has a saying about hooking up with drunk girls when you're sober. No. Toddie's nose is gushing blood. I clench my fist expecting a fight but he just curls up on the floor and cries. Riley kicks him and tells him to get the hell out. Amber vomits and I send her home in a cab. Jake loops an arm around my shoulders and hands me a cup full of a strong smelling liquid. Maybe scotch. I drink it all in one gulp.

"Atta boy!" He titters, "look who's here!" He says and points across the room at Jen. She's wearing a formfitting blue dress with a low-cut V-neck. I can see the curve of her breasts very easily even in the poor lighting of the house. I like to think it was the booze that made me approach her but in reality, I wasn't even buzzed by the alcohol yet. My tolerance was higher than most kids my age.

"You look nice" I say. I can hardly hear myself over the music

"What?" She says because she can't hear me either

"I said; you look nice!" I shout

"What?" She shouts back

I see a staircase leading down to the basement and I point to it. I follow her to the basement.

"I said that you look nice" I smile

"Thanks. It's my sister's dress"

* * *

Jen's sister's dress is discarded on the floor a half an hour later and I'm running my hands over her stomach and chest. The feeling of Jen's boobs in my hands is indescribable. They're so soft and plump, but nothing I had ever imagined or expected after watching hours of Internet porn. I had always pictured them as feeling doughy and floppy but they're so much better than that. Jen's skin doesn't taste like chocolate but as I suck on her neck, I realize that I don't want her to taste like candy. She gasps and her breaths come out shallow and jagged. I'm so sexually excited that I have to stop kissing her to calm back down before I have… an accident. Jen sits back up on the couch that we had stretched out on and says that she's a virgin.

"Me too" I say

"I'm a little scared"

"Me too"

"Will it hurt?"

"I don't know"

"Do you have a… a thing?"

I shake my head no. I wasn't anticipating this at all, in fact if I had known that I would be in this situation before I left, I may have just stayed at the apartment.

"Me neither" She says, "but my sister says that if a guy takes…it out in time, a girl can't get pregnant"

I don't know if that's true, my brothers always say "no glove, no love", but right now I don't think I could get up and walk away if I tried. Jen reaches around to her back and unclasps her bra. All this time I've been touching her boobs, I haven't seen them naked. I try my best to control my urge to start thrusting my hips at the air in anticipation.  
"I'll pull out if you want." I breathe

"Okay"

"Can I see…it?" She asks and I remove my pants and boxers. I don't feel self-conscious as she stares at my naked privates but it makes me feel pretty good to see her eyes widen in shock.

"Is it going to hurt?" She asks me again. This time I don't answer. I kiss her long and deep.

"Evan, do you love me?" Jen pants when she comes back up for air

"What?" I say trying to catch my breath

"My mom says that you shouldn't go all the way with someone unless they love you"

I'm so worked up by the sight of her beautiful naked body that I want to beg her to just shut up and let me touch her.

"Jen, do you want to do this?" I ask her

"Will it hurt?"

"Maybe"

Jen pulls her panties down her thighs and I take them off the rest of the way. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I've never seen a naked girl in person before and I always thought that if I had, I would be romantic and suave, but all I want is to be inside of her. I can almost feel it. She looks apprehensive about it but I decide to test the waters as slowly as I can manage. I kiss her lips gently and grope her breasts, and then I move slowly down her neck and start to suck. With one hand I align myself and then I move my mouth down to her boobs. As she shudders and grabs my back with both of her hands, I push myself inside of her. She gasps out loudly and I stop.

"Are you okay?" I make myself look at her eyes because if I don't, I'm sure I'll just start hammering away at her and not care about how she feels. She nods and I push in further. She's in noticeable pain now but I can feel my body start moving automatically. She shuts her eyes tight and bites her lip.

"Jenny, do you want me to stop?" I say and force my hips to stop moving. Jen's eyes are still shut so I touch the back of my hand to her cheek in a gentle caress.

"Look at me" I whisper. I should get an award for self-control. Jen opens her eyes.

"Are you okay?" I say again

"Yes. It hurts. I'm okay" She whimpers "Go. Go"

That's all I need to hear before I start moving again. It didn't last long and I don't know if she got anything out of that experience besides pain, but the way she kissed me and hugged her arms around my neck afterwards, despite the fact that I didn't pull out in time, meant a lot to me.

"You're not bleeding" I say, "I thought that when girls are virgins…"

"Gymnastics" She says and reaches down to grab her sister's dress off of the floor, "you won't tell everyone about this, right?"

"I won't if you don't" I grin and pull my pants back on

"Am I a whore?" Jen asks quietly once she's dressed again

"I don't know what a 'whore' is, but if there was a such thing, you wouldn't be one" I smile and kiss her. She's beautiful and I'm glad that she's my friend, but I can't help but to feel horrendously guilty that I shared my first time with someone other than Haydn. Maybe she'll never forgive me for that.

When I go to school the next day, the seat next to Amber is taken. She doesn't look at me when I come in but a lot of other people do. I take a seat in the back of the classroom and Tom… something or other… leans over and whispers to me.

"Dude, did you really clobber the hell out of Toddie at Riley's party last night?"

I roll my eyes and take my books out and he leaves me alone. When I walk through the hallway, alone this time, everyone is watching me and talking. So much for low profile; sorry Sam.

Riley, Jake, and Jen are already at the table when I get to Biology. I take my usual seat next to Jen and she giggles. If she wants what happened between us to be a secret, she's going to have to try harder than that.

"Oh my God Ev, you're the talk of the school." Jake whispers with a grin

"Because of the whole Toddie thing?"

"You broke up with Amber?"

"What? Amber and I never-"

"They're saying that last night Toddie was trying to make a move on Amber and you smashed his face and then sent Amber home"

"That's not how it happened"

"I can't believe you broke up with Amber. Amber of all chicks, dude, she is hot. No offense Jen"

"I was never with Amber"

"Then why'd you get pissed off when Toddie tried to talk to her?" He scoffs

"Because she was drunk?"

"So?"

Riley looks back and forth between me and Jen and then winks at me. I can tell this is going to be a long day. By the time my lunch period came along there were several stories about what happened at Riley's floating around. The most popular version is that I caught Toddie and Amber dancing together and I threw Toddie against the wall, in front of four witnesses, and slurred "Ain't nobody gonna put his hands on my woman" (because I was both extremely drunk and apparently Texan, since that's the accent used during the reenactment), and then I beat Toddie unconscious and began to choke his unconscious body. Amber was screaming and crying for me to stop and then I told her that we were over, and that she would "get ta movin'" if she knew what was good for her, so she ran home on foot. Then in my jealous and drunken stupor, I grabbed Jen and banged her in Riley's parent's upstairs closet. I guess the secret is out about Jen and me. I hope she isn't too upset by it. I don't think she is because she beckoned me to her table when she saw me looking for a place to sit with my lunch tray.

"What a day, huh?" She huffs when I take the seat across from her. People are staring at us and Amber is giving us dirty looks. You would think that she actually believed these rumors too if you didn't know that she was actually there and knows what really happened.

"Just ignore them" I tell Jen and start to eat

"It doesn't bother you?"

I shake my head no and shrug. I really don't care about what these people think of me. I care what Haydn will think of me when I tell her. I hope she'll forgive me since I don't like Jen as anything more than a friend.

"So what do we do now?" Jen asks

"Nothing" I shrug again

"Everyone is going to think I'm the biggest whore in the world if we don't do _something_"

"I won't think you're a whore" I say and take another bite of my sandwich

"I didn't say you" She smiles

"You said 'everyone'" I smile back briefly and take another bite

"I meant everyone else"

"Who cares what they think?"

"I do, kind of… Now what if nobody asks me to the homecoming dance?" She mutters

I don't answer. I take a sip of my juice box and grimace. These things are way too sweet.

"I was hoping that maybe, if you weren't going with Amber, maybe we could just go… or whatever…"

I stop eating and look at her, trying to think of the best way to tell her no, when my phone vibrates.

"Hello?"

"_We're outside, come on let's hit the road" _Dean says

"Okay" I tell Jen that I have to use the restroom, run out of the cafeteria, and sneak out of the side of the building. The Impala is waiting for me and I slide inside.

My brothers fill me in on their last case as we drive. Dean tells me that he re-lost his virginity to some hot chick. I tell him that I did too and he laughs and demands all of the details. I describe Jen as accurately as possible and Dean is so elated that he tells me that tonight we're going to celebrate me becoming a man, Winchester style. We celebrate so much that I still feel drunk when I wake up the next morning, that is, if you can have a hangover and be drunk at the same time. Sam and Dean keep laughing and poking fun at me as I lay across the backseat holding my head in my hands. They were never this amused when I had hangovers in the past but I'm older now so they know I can handle the alcohol. As we drive out of the state, I wonder who will take Jen to the homecoming dance. I hope it's not Toddie Markins.


	14. Sometimes I Get Angry

When Sam tells Dean and I that we have ghost sickness, I think he's just poking fun at us, but when he describes the symptoms I realize he's being completely honest.

"But Sam, we haven't seen a ghost in weeks" Dean protests

"Well, I doubt you caught it from a ghost. Look, once a spirit infects that first person, Ghost sickness can spread like any sickness through a cough, a handshake, whatever. It's like the flu. Now, Frank O'Brien was the first to die, which means he was probably the first infected. Patient zero."

"Our very own outbreak monkey"

"Right. Get this, Frank was in Maumee over the weekend. Softball tournament. Which is where he must have infected the other two victims"

"So, ghosts infected Frank. He passed it on to the other guys and I got it from his corpse?"

"And I got it from you!" I accuse Dean with a pout. Sam says we have one day before Dean and I both die from heart attacks. Sam says that it infects people who use intimidation as a weapon…People who are dicks.

"Then you're a dick too" Dean says

"Apparently, I'm not"

"What about me? I'm the least dicky out of all three of us"

Sam and Dean both look at me and then I remember that what I did to that rougarou a few weeks ago was "insensitive" or whatever. "Well I'm just a kid, that shouldn't count." I grumble but I'm starting to get an eerie feeling and I don't feel like talking about it anymore. I just want to be saved and quick.

I'm worse off than Dean is even though I got sick after he did. When he smashes the wall clock I can't stop screaming. Then he starts screaming and then I start screaming louder. When Sam gets in, it takes him a few minutes to calm us both down again but by that time I'm crying. Dean coughs up a woodchip and that gives Sam an idea of where to look. My arm is so itchy and hot that I can't stop scratching it.

Sam wraps my arms up in ace bandages and gives me something to drink to calm my nerves. This time he takes Dean and I along with him to check things out.

I never thought that I was afraid to die before but now it's like living in a nightmare. Everyone and everything looks as though it's about to kill me.

Dean has a meltdown once we find out that the ghost that we need to kill to lift this curse can't be burned because he was dragged to death and left nothing to dispose of. He thinks that we're crazy for hunting ghosts in the first place.

"We are insane!" He shouts, "You know, and then there's the bad diner food and then the skeevy motel rooms and then the truck-stop waitress with the bizarre rash. I mean, who wants this life, Sam? Huh? Seriously? Do you actually like being stuck in a car with me eight hours a day, every single day? I don't think so! I mean, I drive too fast. And I listen to the same five albums over and over and over again, a-and I sing along. I'm annoying, I know that." Dean points to me with an accusatory finger "The freaking Good Son over here is a psychopath. And you! You're gassy! You eat half a burrito, and you get toxic! I mean, you know what? You can forget it!" Dean throws the car keys at Sam who catches it in the air.

"Dean, where are you going?" Sam calls after Dean as he storms away

"I'm done, I quit" Dean says without breaking his stride. I want to go after him but it's way too dark and scary out there and I'll probably get killed. That, and frankly I'm a little hurt that Dean thinks that I'm a psycho.

* * *

I'm the first to experience the final hallucination. Sam was gone and Dean and I were alone in the motel again when my father appears to me. He's sitting on the edge of my bed with his chin resting delicately on his fists as though he's in deep thought.

"Dad? You're n-not real." I stammer

"Come here, Evan. Have a seat"

I should run and I know that but I'm too afraid. I'm compelled to obey him and I take a few hesitant steps towards him.

"Y-you're dead. You went to heaven"

"That's right" He grins, "I'm finally where I belong. In heaven with my wife; the only woman I've ever loved"

"Is mom in heaven?"

"Your whore mother? I wouldn't know. I haven't gone looking for her but I doubt it." He snarls

"What?" I feel the sting of tears gathering in my eyes.

"My best bet is that she took the one way trip into the eternal sauna. That's what happens to people who kill themselves"

"What are you talking about?" My cheeks become damp under the stream of hot tears leaking

"Your mom didn't just die. She killed herself because of you. She wasn't stabbed." He traced a finger along the curve of his neck and grinned; "She just didn't want to take care of you anymore" He says and stands up, "Everyone around you dies and it's not an accident. But I won't let you kill my sons" He starts walking towards me and I move backwards until my back is pressed against the wall.

"I'm your son too." I cry

"No you're not" Dad growls at me, "You're just the bastard son of some whore. I never wanted you"

"Dad" I whisper and choke from my uneven soggy breathing

"My children were the best parts of the woman I loved." He snaps. He's looming over me now. My heart is pounding against my chest hard, "Sam, inherited her brains and Dean? He got her good heart. When she died I got to take the best parts of her with me. When your mother died? I inherited her burden."

"Daddy please, stop" I'm sob at him

"I'm not about to let you screw up again and kill the only good I got left on this Earth." Dad reaches behind him and pulls a baseball bat from his belt that seems to have manifested from nowhere.

"Daddy, don't" I scream and curl up into a ball on the floor

"Batter up!" He says and raises the bat over his head. I jump to my feet and move away right as he swings it down. Dad reaches down towards me but I crawl underneath my bed.

"Get back over here and take it like a man" Dad growls at me. I crawl as far as I can from his reach but that doesn't stop him from grabbing and clawing at the bed for me. I can hardly breathe; the pain in my chest is unbearable. Dad starts slamming the bat down on the bed over and over again. I hear Dean yelling from the next room.

"Dean! Help!" I scream as my pants begin to dampen. The smell of fresh urine wafts up to my nose and I'm vaguely aware that I'm laying in a puddle of my own piss when my chest tightens so much that I can hardly breathe. I don't come out when the pounding stops or when the pain in my chest vanishes. When Dean comes looking for me I shrink back even farther under the bed. I just can't face him like this with my pants wet because of a hallucination. It doesn't take long from him to find me, though, and in a few minutes he'll laying on his stomach, peering at me.

"You gonna come out from there, little guy?" He asks

Little guy. Now I'm little guy again. Great.

"Come on out Evan, it's over"

"I can't" I say softer than I intended to

"Why not?"

I don't answer. He must know already. He has to smell my shame.

"Come on out, buddy. If you want me to leave the room for a while I will. Okay?"

I nod

"Okay" He says and vanishes from my sight. I hear his boots clomping their way out of the room and the door shut behind him. I quickly shower and get dressed in clean clothes and leave the dirty ones under the bed where the mess was made. Dean and I don't talk about it. When Sam comes back Dean tells him that we should get out of this place because it's giving him the creeps so we leave. It's one of the nicest things my big brother has ever done for me and I'll never forget it.

* * *

Dean doesn't want to talk about his hallucination. He says that it was nothing that he couldn't handle. Sam doesn't believe him but he lets it go and asks me what I saw.

"Dad" I say

"You saw Dad?"

"Yeah"

"What did he say?"

"Stuff he'd never say. My mom was a whore and he didn't love me… stuff like that" I mutter and take a swig of the beer I was given

Sam frowns "you don't actually believe that stuff right? You know it was just the disease messing with your head?"

"Yeah, I know" I say and it's true. I know that everything was in my head and Dad loved me but I guess there's a part of me that thinks otherwise.

The homecoming dance comes and goes while I'm on the road with Sam and Dean. I wonder if Haydn went to the homecoming dance at our school. I get angry the first few times I think about someone dancing with her but then I think that maybe she'll be happy to dance with someone instead of being lonely. I hope she had a good time. On long car rides when the day stretches on over miles and miles of road without stopping for more than a bathroom break or a tuna sandwich; I think of Haydn dancing around in a dress like the one Jen wore that night at Riley's party, but I see her differently now. I still remember what she looks like well, but the memory is more general now and less detailed. How much her eyes squinted when she laughed or how far in her dimples went in when she smiled, how fast she would breathe when she talked to me about something that excited her. I close my eyes and work really hard to remember because I can't… I just can't let her fade away like my mother did.

* * *

We have a case for Halloween. A couple of years ago, Sam saw his girlfriend alive for the last time on Halloween night. I wonder if he thinks about that every year. He seems alright so I don't think so. For a long time I thought that Jess was the only woman Sam ever loved but now I'm not so sure. Maybe Sam never loved any woman. Not really anyway.

Sam exorcises a demon with his mind again and saves a lot of people. Dean is weary but I still think that it's pretty cool. Plus our job is to save people, right?

* * *

I'm always excited when a restaurant offers cream soda to drink because when I do, Dean always refills my cup with beer after I finish it. I don't know how we get away with it; cream soda looks and smells nothing like beer but the waiters never seem to notice. Dean knocks back shots that he has sent over from the bar section.

"Can I try one?"

"Finish your beer" He says and winces at the flavor of his drink

"Come on, Dean. I'm fifteen" I whisper, "I just want to tr-"

Dean passes me a full glass before I finish whining and I grin devilishly. I take it quick while Sam tells us about his encounter with another angel named Uriel. Dean doesn't like him but Sam trusts him because he's an angel. I'm impartial. As long as they leave my brothers alone and don't try to "stop" them, I really don't care what they're up to.

* * *

I'm not old enough to pass with a fake ID in the pool halls where my brothers hustle so I usually wait back at the motel room for them to get back. Tonight I hope they take a long time because I have plans. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this but I try anyway. I fold my hands together, close my eyes, and pray.

"Dear God, can you do me a big favor and send me that angel that talks to my brother all the time? Castiel? He has black hair and he wears a trench coat, a beige trench coat and a tie. He's about… I don't know… 5'10 or 5'11 and blue eyes?"

I open one of my eyes but nothing happens so I close it again.

"God, I really need to tell him something very important about Sam. He's about to do something just horrible and-"

I hear a whooshing sound and open my eyes to see Castiel right in front of me. I close my eyes again "Thanks God" and smile.

"God didn't send me, Evan. I heard your prayer. What's happening with Sam?"

"So do I just pray to you then?" I ask

"Yes. What is the news about Sam?"

"Oh" I shrug, "I don't have any. I just figured it was the only way I'd get you down here. I need help"

Castiel's normally apathetic face twisted into a agitated frown as he took slow brooding steps towards me "Do you think that this is a game?" he asks

"No, I just need your help with something and I know you helped Dean"

"I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation your brother is in"

"I get it. Honest" I say realizing that I may have pissed off something very powerful but noticing that I'm no longer afraid of the creature for some reason and haven't been since he threatened Sam. "I know that my brothers are really important for some big reason, but I'm not completely useless either, you know. Please Castiel? Will you just hear me out for a little bit since you're here?"

Castiel's jaw was set tight but I knew that look from Dean well enough to know that he was listening.

"You sent Dean back in time to meet his mother. I'm just wondering if you can do the same for me, maybe? I'd like to meet her but even more… I'd like to know how she died"

Castiel shook his head "That's impossible"

"Why?" I nearly shout

"Because Dean wasn't sent back to satisfy curiosity, Evan. He was sent back to satisfy a greater purpose. I am an angel, not a transportation device for petulant, manipulative children."

"Castiel, please. I just. I have to know. I don't know anything about my own mother. I just have to know what killed her. Bela says that she was stabbed but I don't know by who or if she was lying or what. Please help me"

"You have her name" He squints at me, "you know where she's from. You've done more with less. Why don't you find out for yourself?"

He disappears in a flutter and I'm alone. Rage consumed my entire body so fast that I shook with anger; in retrospect, I guess it was because I was forced to face what I've been running from all of these years. My mother's death. All of these years I've wondered and longed to know the answers to the mystery shrouding my mother's death but I've never tried to find any of it out on my own. I didn't want to know the truth. After Castiel leaves me alone in the motel room, I'm broiling. I throw the covers off of the beds and knock over the lamp, and the bulb shatters on the ground. The television set is heavy but I manage to yank it from the wall and smash it on the ground. Then there's knocking at my door.

"Hey! Are you alright in there?" A man is shouting. I grab my coat from a chair and open the door. There's a middle-aged man with a look of panic on his face in the doorway but I push past him and slam the door behind me.

"Kid! Kid, are you alright?" He shouts but I'm not listening. I break into a sprint out of the parking lot and down the street. I run until my legs burn like fire and my lungs tighten so much I can hardly breathe, and then I walk. I don't recognize where I am, but it's clear that I'm not in the city anymore. The big houses all around me hint that I'm in an upscale suburban area. I hope I can find a payphone to call Sam and Dean. I left my phone in the motel. Crap. Sam and Dean are going to flip when they come back and see what happened. I wonder if they'll think that I've been kidnapped or something. When I finally reach a payphone, I'm in an area where the houses are much smaller than before but it's still pretty upscale in my opinion. I call Sam's phone and leave a message. I tell him the street intersection I'm on and the direction I ran in, told him that I was okay and I'd wait here. It's cold out and I can see my breath, the sidewalk is damp but I sit down when my legs are too tired to stand. A light flicks on in the house across the street. The window shade is open and I can see right through the window into the bedroom where the light is on. A man is moving around the room quickly. He looks like he's pacing back and forth. It sounds like he's yelling from here. There's a faint crash and then he yanks a young girl into my view. She's small and young, maybe six, and she's wearing a nightgown. He jerks her up by the arm and shouts something into her face before throwing her down again. I stand. He grabs a belt from his waist and starts swinging. Without thinking I'm kicking down the front door and barreling up the steps. I hear whipping sounds and the little girl screaming bouncing around in my head until I open the door and see his pants down… now I'm screaming too. Then he's screaming and then there's silence. My fists rise and fall again and again, I can no longer feel the bones in his face shattering under my knuckles, I can't hear him crying as his warm blood splashes on my shirt, arms, and face. His facial features are crushed beyond recognition. I don't stop hitting him when he stops struggling, or when his body starts to convulse, or even when he's limp. It's when my eyes flick up and see the little girl crying under the bed that I'm able to release him. The sound comes back in an instant and I can hear her screaming and crying in fear. My hands are numb and cramped but I crawl to the edge of the bed and reach my hand out for her.

"Shh, don't cry. He won't hurt you anymore okay?" I say to her but she just backs away

"I won't hurt you. I promise. I'm here to save you." I say as soothingly as I can, but she doesn't budge. I look around the room for something to lure her out with and I see a ratty old teddy bear with an eye missing hanging half way off of her bed. I grab it and hold it in front of her.

"You forgot your teddy, sweetheart. Do you want him?"

She's still trembling but by the way her eyes widened I can tell that I've piqued her interest.

"Baby, I know that you're scared but we really have to go now. Now, I'm taking your teddy here with me, I'm going to take him somewhere safe. Do you think that maybe, you can come along and keep him company? He'll be real lonely without you, don't you think?"

She reached out a hand for the bear but I pulled him back a little. After a few minutes she crawls out from underneath the bed and reaches for her bear. I hand her the bear and pick her up. She squeals a little and squirms but I hug her and tell her that it's going to be okay. That I'm here to rescue her because I heard her prayers. It was a shot in the dark but it works and she stares at me in awe. I push her soft blonde hair back and kiss her forehead.

"Are you ready to go?"

She nods and I carry her from the room, making sure I stepped over the man's lifeless body on my way out.

"Is there anyone else inside?" I whisper to her and she shakes her head no

"Where's your Mommy?" I ask as I start down the street in the direction from where I came.

She shrugs. Tears roll down her face.

"What's your name?"

"Kaylee" She whispers softly

"Kaylee? What a pretty name" I see the Impala coming down the street and I heave a sign of relief and wave them down.

Dean pulls over and I open the back door with one hand and try to set her down but her arms are locked around my neck so I just climb in and sit down with her still wrapped around me

Dean and Sam both crane their necks back and look at me.

"Who's your friend?" Dean asks loudly

"This is Kaylee. Kaylee, these are my brothers Dean, and Sam. We're going to take you somewhere safe now, okay?"

We dropped her off at the police station. Sam takes her inside even though I almost have to pry her off of me; I can't take her in because I'm covered in blood. Dean asks me what happened and I tell him that I saved her from a monster.

"What happened back at the motel?"

"I was feeling cramped. I needed to take a walk"

"Is that why you smashed up everything inside?"

"Yeah. Yeah I guess so"

Sam comes back and tells us to go, that she'll be alright.

"Where are we going?"

"We have a case. Anna Milton. Demons are pretty hot and heavy on her"

"Okay" I say and look out of the window. My hands are swollen and they're going to hurt like hell tomorrow. Good.


	15. There Are Some Things I Don't Understand

**Author's Note: Sorry this took so long guys, a great woman and very dear friend of mine, Danielle Drummond passed away last month and it's been a really hard thing to cope with. Thank you for being so patient with me and sticking by me despite this crazy long hiatus. I appreciate it. Also I made a mistake before and I keep accidentally calling him fifteen years old, he's fourteen. I went back and corrected the two times I accidentally changed him to fifteen. Consistency is a bitch, right? (It is)**

* * *

The car ride is tense and for a while I think it's about what I did to the motel room or because I was covered in blood but I quickly find out that I'm off the hook when Dean mentions Sam's relationship with Ruby. I guess she's back in the picture. I'm bored of their bickering so I tune them out. I don't care about Ruby or what she's done for Sam after he abandoned me over the summer. An image flashes in my mind of a knife stabbing her right through the chest and it makes me smile. Then I see my mother on a floor, eyes open, bleeding from her torso and mouth. I gasp out loud.

"You alright back there?" Dean asks worriedly

"Yeah, I just, my hand hurts" I stammer

"What kind of monster was it again, Evan?" Sam asks

"Uh, you know just a… it was attacking the girl so I went in"

"You left all your stuff at home. Your gun, knife, everything" Dean says

"Yeah"

"You… punched a monster to death?" Sam says skeptically

"Yeah"

"Sit up, let me take a look" Sam orders and I scoot up and hold my hands over the edge of the front seat. Sam flicks a flashlight over them and I see that they're both at least twice their normal size. I can't bend my giant fingers; they're red, purple, and splotchy. The knuckles hare caked with wet, dried and drying blood. Sam gives me a look that tells me that he doesn't buy my monster story in the least. He pulls open the glove compartment and takes out a first aid kit. Most of the blood he cleans off of my hands isn't mine but there's one gash in between the knuckles of my pointer and middle finger that's still gushing. Sam wipes it down again and I wince. It hurts so badly.

"It looks like there's something lodged in there" He says and pulls out the tweezers.

"No. Sam. Please" I say in horror

"Dean, pull over"

"What is it?"

"I need you to hold him"

I snatch my hands away from him and Dean pulls the car over. The engine stops I jump out of the car and start running.

"Hey!" Sam shouts. I can hear their feet thumping after me. I run fast but I couldn't out run my brothers on a good day. Sam's legs alone are almost half of the length of my body and his strides are enormous. Even so, it's Dean who grabs me and we both tumble to the ground hard.

"I got him!"

"Hold him" Sam yells and opens the kit again.

"Guys, please. Please! Whatever it is, it'll come out on it's own. Please!" I beg them but they aren't listening.

"If you stop moving, I'll give you my flask for the pain" Dean says

Sam flashes his light on my gash and touches the tweezers to it. A rush of pain shoots through my body and I start to buck. Within seconds Dean's changed his position and pinned me with one of my arms held tightly behind my back and the other stretched out towards Sam. I grunt and whine but it's hard to breathe under my brother's weight. I can't see what's going on but it feels like Sam is slicing my hand open with a blade. Dean uses his knee to keep the arm behind my back in place and then holds his flask to my lips. I take a few gulps and some dribbles down my chin, then the flask is gone and my hand is wet. It feels like it's on fire.

"Almost" Sam says as he rips at my hand. I scream and then I hear "Got it!"

Dean lets me go and walks over to see what Sam was holding.

"Is that a… tooth?"

Sam flashes his light on it and they both inspect it.

"Oh my God"

"It looks human"

They really think I'm crazy now. They think I'm nuts. They're going to hate me now and I know it. I pull my knees into my chest, wrap my arms around them and start to cry.

"I had to! I had to! He was hurting her! Dean, Sam, he was going to hurt her so bad if I didn't stop him!"

Dean comes over to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders; Sam crouches in front of me and strokes the fallen hair from my face.

"Hey, hey, come on it's okay. What are you talking about? I thought you killed a monster" Dean says

"He was a monster," I say, "so I killed him"

"Okay. So he deserved it" Sam says, "That's okay. Sometimes you've got to do what's right, Evan. No matter what your conscience says. Don't feel guilty, you did what you had to"

I don't feel guilty. I never had, but I don't say anything. I was just afraid that my brothers were going to be mad at me but they aren't so I'm feeling better already. I smile.

"Let's get you patched up" Dean stands up but he's still looking at me kind of strange. He extends a hand for me, and then helps me to my feet. "It's a three day drive to the hospital where Anna is and we're already behind"

* * *

Six stitches in my hand, bandages, frozen peas for the swelling, and tequila for the pain; I sit this one out in the car as my brothers do the leg work finding Anna which I'm sure they'll easily do. That is until they jumped out of the window of the church they were in leaving Sam with a gash in his arm and Dean with a dislocated shoulder. They say Ruby is with Anna, Dean is skeptical but Sam says he trusts her because over the summer she saved his life. When he tells his story, his graphic story about how he was drunken and depressed until Ruby came along and started banging him; I'm biting back anger. He's acting as though she did something for him I couldn't have done. I would've had his back when demons came, I could've helped him track down Lilith. Granted, I wouldn't have banged his brains out or told him to use his powers out of respect for Dean, but it should've been the two of us together but he never even considered that. He tells this story about how he was alone and desperate, but he left out the part when he pushed away the only family he had left in favor of being with a demon lady. He looks over at me like he's reading my thoughts, but I guess he's just reading my face, and then says "I just needed someone to help me take down Lilith and make me stronger. She knew how to help me"

"Well lucky you" I say bitterly

There's a knock at the door "Housekeeping" A woman calls

"Not now" Dean shouts back at her

"I've got clean towels. " She says

Dean opens the door "Couldn't you just leave them at the door?"

The maid walks in and it's Ruby with an address where to find Anna and Sam leaves to go pack the car. Dean asks me to stay behind to talk as I move to help Sam.

"What's up, Dean?"

"Have a seat" Dean says and gestures towards the bed. I obey. Dean takes out his cell and starts texting.

"I'm sending Sam for a cup of coffee from the lobby, you want one?"

"Now? Shouldn't we be after that girl?"

"Yeah, we will be in a minute. I just want to talk first. Coffee?"

"No thanks" I say and wait apprehensively as Dean shuts his phone and pulls up a seat across from me. "What's the matter, Dean?"

"I've been meaning to talk to you for a while about what happened a few nights ago."

I look down at my bandaged hands and shrug; "my hands don't hurt as much anymore". Dean and Sam have been redressing my wounds like clockwork. I'm lucky to have brothers who care so much.

"No, I don't mean about your hands." He says. His face is very serious, like when he's about to give me a lecture when I've done something wrong.

"What's wrong?" I ask

"What happened that night at the motel?"

"I needed some space" I frown at him. I hadn't planned on telling him about my conversation with Castiel, but then again I never really expected Dean to bring it up again. "I asked Castiel to help me find out the real story on my mom and he told me to look it up on my own. I just went on a walk to clear my head"

Dean nodded understandingly but then squinted "And that's how you ended up with a chunk of tooth lodged in your hand?"

"I thought we weren't going to talk about my hands" I smirk but he doesn't. His eyes are warning me not to be a smartass, a look he perfected by watching Dad.

"I told you, Dean, the guy was going after that little girl. I had to stop him"

"No, I get that. I'm not doubting that the son of a bitch deserved it…" He squinted again "but you had a _tooth_ jammed inside of your fist. You hit him so hard that you didn't just knock his teeth in; you knocked it inside of your hand."

"I was just seeing red, I guess. I didn't even feel it." I say

"Well, that's kind of my point."

I give my brother a quizzical look. What point?

"Look" he says, "it's great that you're saving people, and that you saved that little girl, but those are the ends. What you need to focus on, is the way you're doing it."

"I really don't understand"

"For example. When you torched that rougarou, you saved our lives, but the way you did it was down right… scary. That day with the witnesses? That girl that Meg possessed came after us but before you even knew that she was a threat, you blasted her away, and I can only imagine what that bastard you pulverized the other night looks like now."

"Not good" I smirk before I can catch myself. Dean's face is void of all humor. He almost looks angry now.

"Just because you think something is right, that doesn't give you the right to handle it however you want to. That's how mistakes are made and that's how people get hurt."

"I haven't hurt anyone, Dean" I smile gently. I don't know what I've done wrong but I don't like it when he's mad at me and I've clearly angered him. He sighs deeply, closes his eyes, and rubs at the bridge of his nose.

"I know you haven't. Just be careful, okay?" He says and stands. I stand too and Dean grabs my gun from the table, and puts it heavily into my hands. "I don't want to hear about you punching people to death again. You have weapons, use them."

"Okay, Dean" I smile again but I can tell how his eyes flick away that he isn't satisfied with our conversation. I love my brother but some days I feel like I couldn't figure him out if he came with an instruction manual.

* * *

When I meet Anna, I'm disappointed. She's not what I expected at all for someone who is being so heavily pursued. Anna is small, not in height, but in a feeble and dependent way. She reminds me of a small child who got caught with her hand in dessert before dinner. When she talks, she sounds tiny. It's strange watching someone older than me speaking with so much noticeable innocence in her voice. Dean thanks Ruby for watching out for Sam…kind of… he can't really make out the words. After their "moment" is over, I approach her.

"Ruby" I sigh

"How're you doing kid?" She smirks

"I just wanted to say..." I lean in closer and whisper "One day, I'm going to skin you alive, bitch"

Ruby moves back and grins, "Well, you've grown up. Now can we save the love session for later? Because we're kind of in the middle of something."

Anna asks to speak to her parents and finds out the hard way that they're already dead. That may have been something to lead with don't you think guys? Anna's hysterical now.

"Why is this happening to me?" She cries

"I don't know" Sam says.

"They're coming" Anna says. She's terrified. I thought "they" were demons so I was pretty sure that we were screwed without Ruby's knife. That's when the doors bust open and two angels walk in. Castiel and another one I haven't met yet. Dean is so relieved.

"Please tell me you're here to help. We've been having demon issues all day"

"Well, I can see that. You want to explain why you have that stain in the room?" says. He's looking right at Ruby.

"We're here for Anna." Castiel says

Dean squints, "Here for her like... here for her?"

"Stop talking" The other angel says. He's kind of rude. I don't like him. "Give her to us"

Sam looks skeptical. "Are you gonna help her?"

"No" Castiel says, "She has to die"

There's a lot of chatter back and forth about this girl, but to be honest, I'm not into it. I don't understand what the big deal is. If the angels want her dead, it's probably for a good reason, right? Plus, we just met her, for all we know; she can be a mass murderer or some kind of creature fresh out of hell. She does have some freaky powers and she knows a lot about us. Or maybe that's just the punishment for spying on heaven. Whatever it is, I don't think it's any of our business, and I definitely don't think that this lady is worth risking our lives for… Unless she's really as innocent as she's trying to look.

"She is far from innocent." Castiel says as though he's reading my mind. Can he read minds?

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam snarls

"It means she's worse than this abomination you've been screwing. Now give us the girl." The other angel says.

"What did she do?" I ask

"Doesn't matter" Dean says defiantly at the angels, "Guess you're going to have to get yourselves another one. Try JDate"

What the hell is JDate? And why doesn't it matter? Shouldn't it? I want to ask him out loud but I can tell that my brothers genuinely don't care why we're here. They just want to prove a point so these jerks know that we're not going to be pushed around. This isn't about the girl at all. At this point they could be guarding a ham sandwich with this much conviction for all they care as long as it pissed these guys off in the process.

"Who's going to stop us?" The angel whose name I should probably figure out grins patronizingly "you two and the runt? Or this demon whore?"

I'm not a runt but I know he must be talking about me since I'm smaller than both of my brothers, but not by that much. I mean, sure, they're bulkier than I am but I'm filling out. I'm almost as tall as Castiel and I still have some growing to do. I have lean muscles but I think it's because I have such a fast metabolism. Something's going down because I see Ruby on the ground and Dean running at the nameless angel. I really need to stop getting lost in my thoughts. I fire a few pointless shots at the invincible creature just as Dean reaches him and then I'm flying across the room and into a wall. The hard surface punches the air out of my lungs and I gasp for air. Castiel touches Sam on the forehead and he falls unconscious to the ground. The other angel punches Dean. I scramble to my feet and pick up my gun again but Castiel and that other guy disappear in a bright white light. I run over to Sam and check his neck for a pulse but the throbbing pain in my hand makes it hard to feel anything. I must have torn the stitches because the bandages around my hand are soaked in blood. Sam is breathing though so he's okay.

"Dean, what happened?" I ask

"I don't know. Anna?" He calls out and disappears into the back room

Sam opens his eyes drearily as Ruby kneels down next to him

"What happened?" He asks

"They just disappeared. I don't know what happened. Sam who was that other angel with Castiel?"

"Uriel" Sam gets to his feet, so do Ruby and I just as Dean emerges from the back room with Anna. She's bleeding.

"What happened?" Sam asks hurrying over

"I sent them away. I don't know how. I just knew." She says.


	16. Other Things, I'm Starting To Understand

**Author's note: so sorry y'all but I didn't notice until right now that I reposted the same chapter twice for 13 &14. I fixed it now and 13 is the way it should be so if you're interested, it's back to the way it's supposed to be now. Sorry for the mistake.**

* * *

When Pamela met up with at Bobby's place, she was just as I remembered her. She's just as flirty and spunky as I remember her, except she has glass eyes now. That's new. She performs hypnosis on Anna; I guess she's a jack-of-all-trades, but I won't doubt her again. The last time I thought she was full of it she got her eyes burned out so she's gained some credibility, even if I think hypnosis is a load of crap. It doesn't take long for me to be proven wrong again because Anna starts to spaz out in a way that I doubt she would have if she were completely conscious. When Anna finally comes to, she says that she's an angel. That's all I need to know that she isn't our problem anymore. I feel so relieved that we can turn her back over to the angels and move on that I fist pump the air.

"Yes!" I say

"Don't worry, I'm not like the others." She says to the stunned faces around the room

"I don't find that very reassuring" Ruby says

"Neither do I" Pam says

I'm still smiling as I move closer to the group "It doesn't matter guys"

"What are you smiling about?" Sam asks apprehensively

"She's an angel, Sam. That means she's not our problem anymore. We don't have to run from Castiel and that other guy, Uriel, anymore"

"Wait, but why do they want to kill you?" Pam interjects

"I disobeyed, which for us, is the worst thing you can do. I fell"

* * *

Anna Milton, or whatever her real angel name was, cut out her grace and implanted herself into some unsuspecting lady trying to conceive a child, and inadvertently caused the poor lady and her husband's death. For that, I don't like her. If she had given that family a chance maybe they could have adopted a baby and have been just as happy, but instead she had to go on and drag them into her story as a shield. I think she's a coward. Now she wants us to help her find her grace. She wants to drag us in this as well so she can be an angel again. Because after everything she put her parents through and any other innocent people who died, she wants to take us along for the ride to undo a stupid decision that she made without any thought about putting my brother's and my life at risk. If I could, I would kill her before anyone had a chance to stop me, but since there's no chance of that happening without Sam or Dean stepping in and kicking my ass, I just nod and go along with my group who are eager as always to help any cute girl in distress. I won't be winning any arguments with them about this so I keep my mouth shut. I hope she dies before she becomes an angel again.

Her grace is already gone by the time we track it down. She says someone took it.

Sam disappears into the barn with Ruby when night falls and Dean and Anna are both nowhere to be found. I almost start to worry until I check outside and see the Impala windows all fogged up. Great, I have to sit in that backseat tomorrow. I guess everyone is just getting laid tonight but me.

The final showdown happens early in the morning. I came late to the party because I had been sleeping inside the house and nobody came to wake me up for it. After all these years, they still try to protect me like I'm a child. I heard something slamming from outside and I knew that it was time. I ran out to the barn just in time to hear a man's voice saying "Dean, Dean, Dean, I am so disappointed. You had such promise". I take out my gun and head in.

"Shut your eyes!" Anna screams and the barn is washed over in a white light. I duck my head and close my eyes. When I open them again, Anna and the other guy are gone. Castiel and Uriel vanish soon after.

"Dean, who was that guy?" I ask running over to him

"Alastair." He says

* * *

It's such a nice day, the sun is so warm on my face as we drive and the breeze so soft. Dean pulls over to the side of the road so we can enjoy it. After everything that's happened this morning, I feel so good in this moment. I climb on the hood of the car with Sam and Dean brings us both beers.

"I can't believe we made it out of there" Dean says and leans back on the car

"Again" Sam smiles triumphantly. We all clink our bottles and I take a sip of the warm fizzy drink.

"You heard him, didn't you?" Dean says into the distance

"Who?"

"Alastair. About me having promise?"

"What about it?" I shrug

"You're not curious?"

"Of course we're curious, damn curious-" Sam says

"I'm not" I say and take another sip

"-But you're not talking about hell, and we're not going to push"

Dean takes a few moments before speaking again "It wasn't four months you know"

"What?"

"Pretty sure it was four, Dean" I say and take another sip

"It was four months up here, but down there... I don't know. Time's different. It was more like 40 years."

"My God" Sam breathes

"They, uh... They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you... Until there was nothing left. And then suddenly… I would be whole again- like magic... just so they could start in all over." Dean's voice was shaking. I sat up and looked over at Sam. Should we be doing something? Should we tell him it's okay not to talk about it? Sam answered my silent question with his eyes as he looked sadly but intently back at Dean.

"And Alastair" Dean continued ".. at the end of every day... every one... he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack if I put souls on. If I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For 30 years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't."

Dean sniffled. I stared at him stunned.

"And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls…" He's crying

Dean tortured souls in hell.

"The -the things that I did to them"

"Dean" Sam croaks trying to hold back tears "Dean, look, you held out for 30 years. That's longer than anyone would have"

"It's longer than I would've" I agree, "Dean, I probably wouldn't lasted a day. Don't feel bad" I say and touch a hand to his shoulder. He's still crying and I can't help him. I've never seen him like this before. Sobbing so openly. It's scary.

"How I feel. This, inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything"

I lay back on the hood and start to drink again. I don't know what to do for him.

"I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing"

Sam is crying too now. I guess I should feel like crying but I don't. Dean did what he had to do and that's all there is to it. Who could ask for more than that? I'm actually upset that we had one day to enjoy, just the three of us, and now it's ruined. Dean is crying, Sam is crying, and I'm all alone again because I really don't feel a damn thing. If it had been me and I tortured all of those souls, I know I still wouldn't feel so bad about it because we do the best we can and that's all we can ever do, and yet they cry. They feel guilt and they feel remorse about things they can't control. They think that there's something wrong with me? They tell me that the way I think is wrong but they're the ones who beat themselves up and torture themselves every chance they get for no reason. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with me; maybe I'm the only one without a problem. I reach a hand out and pat Dean absently on the back and down the rest of my beer.

"Can I get another beer?" I ask and break the quiet sobbing of the somewhat silence. Dean wipes his face on his sleeve and clears his throat loudly.

"Yeah, sure" He tosses me the keys over his shoulder and I slide off the hood of the car. I grab a beer from the trunk and finish it in record time. Maybe if I drink enough of these things I'll be too drunk for them to notice how little I feel about Dean's confession. I climb into the backseat and shut the door behind me but I hear a sniffle from Dean outside so I put the key in the ignition and turn up the windows before settling back down. I don't want to hear them crying.

* * *

For the next few weeks, Dean has us moving around from place to place non-stop. Sam and I are exhausted from working case after case but I don't complain because I don't want Dean to throw me back into school. Plus, I'm glad to be busy all the time; it helps me keep my mind occupied. Ever since that night Castiel told me to research my mom on my own, it's been bugging me. I keep seeing my mother on the floor, lying in a pool of blood. Whenever I flick on the television and see a scary movie, or when we have to use a knife on a monster in the gut, I see her there. It's so realistic. I can see every detail so perfectly. I'm beginning to think that maybe I was there when it happened and as curious as I am to know what happened, I find myself avoiding it. A lot of hunters would consider the job stressful but I find it soothing. Dean must think so too.

"Stratton, Nebraska. Farm town. A man gets hacked to death in a locked room inside a locked house. No signs of forced entry." He says

A ghost case! We haven't had one of those in a while. Sam sighs from the back seat and lies back down. Guess I'm riding shotgun tonight. I smile up at Dean as he turns the key in the ignition.

"You're not tired?" He asks sounding faintly impressed

"Nope. Pumped up and ready to go, Dean"

"Atta boy" He grins. I'm happy that Sam's sleeping so he can't keep asking how Dean is feeling. He's been asking since that day Dean told us about hell but Dean doesn't want to talk about it. It's better this way. Why choose to be sad when we can keep moving and be happy. We're all alive and together. That's all that matters.

Turns out the "ghosts" were actually a bunch of inbred little kids hiding in the walls and killing people. The first guy they killed deserved to die but the family who just tried to move in didn't so we had to help them out. Sam and Dean told me to keep everyone in the shed while they found the kid who went missing but that meant taking the boy's uncle and father, civilians inside while I waited here babysitting.

"Dean! Let me help you! These guys are going to get themselves killed!"

"There's no way I'm sitting around while my kid is in there" The missing boy's father protested, so Dean ended up taking all of us inside to find the kid. It's a good thing that I came along too because the kid's uncle almost got stabbed in the face by that little crazy girl who seemed to come out of nowhere. I snapped her neck before she had the chance to reach him and she fell to the ground with the knife still in her hand. Dean ended up shooting the girl's brother during a scuffle. That was the first time I had ever seen my big brother kill a human being, and a child, no less. There was something so relieving about that moment. It was as though a weight had been lifted that I didn't know I was carrying around. In that moment I witnessed more than just my brother saving a family from monsters, I witnessed my brother acknowledging that humans can be monsters too and that it's okay to put them down if you need to. He gave me more than the comfort of his approval; he gave me permission.

* * *

Chuck, the prophet is not an impressive man. A writer. He's slovenly and unkempt, and everything in his home screamed recluse and musk. His books were an interesting read, however. I learned so much about my brothers from their hunts without me and about Dad, Dean's first love, Sam's possession by the demon Meg, and everything else they never talk about. I was in the books too but as a minor character who only appeared on hunts that I actually went on with them. There was nothing in there about my summer without Sam or Dean, or my high school experiences, or Haydn, or even my Mom. When he's freaking out about us being real and about him being God, I decide to ask him about it.

"So, what am I? The reject?"

"What? No, I just write what I see"

"What do you mean what you see? You mean like visions?" Dean probes and Chuck tells him that his visions come to him in dreams

"And in your dreams, I'm the sidekick?" I press

"No, you're just… Look, I don't know" Chuck pleads, "I don't control what pops into my head, it just happens."

"You said you killed Sam's girl for literary symmetry, there has to be a better reason than that"

"Evan, chill" Dean says to me, "we're losing sight of what's important"

What was important was that Lilith was going to make a guest appearance in town and Sam was going to face off with her alone. It was written in the manuscript and everything. Of course Dean and I both were up to the challenge of proving it all wrong seeing as the book provided a good guide of what not to do, except in the end he and I trying to do the opposite of what Chuck wrote was the very thing that made it all happen. In retrospect we should have thought of that. Sam did alright on his own, he didn't kill Lilith but he didn't die either so I'll chalk that up as a win. He says he'll kill her one of these days. That would be cool if he could, of course it would be even cooler if I were the one to do it. Maybe if I'm the one who kills the demon and stops the apocalypse I'll get my own damn story with me as a central character instead of just the other brother. Still I'm curious to know how much Chuck really does know about me so when we stop by his place one last time before we leave I ask him.

"Do you know what happened? What really happened, I mean…"

"To your mom?" He asks gravely

"Yeah. I have to know. Sometimes, sometimes I feel like... I just have to know the truth. You know what happened, don't you?"

He nodded and sighed, "Are you sure you want to open that door? You spent so much of your life blocking it out"

"I didn't block it out, I just don't know what happened. Nobody told me what happened to her." I say defensively

"Evan, you were there. You're the one who called for help." He says

And in that moment it clicked. I've heard of out of body experiences before but I never knew that they existed for real until that moment when I was taken back.

My mother runs into my bedroom, shuts the door behind her, and locks it. I watch from the corner as she runs to my bed and awakens a small child. She takes the child by the hand and starts for the window but there's a loud banging on the bedroom door and it sounds like it's about to burst open. She frantically tells the little boy to hide which he immediately does, in the closet. I watch from the closet as the door breaks down and a man with a ski mask grabs my mother by the hair and holds a knife to her throat. She's crying and begging for him to take what he wants and leave. I want to run over and help her but I can't move from my spot now that I've merged into the child's body. I don't close my eyes but I still can't see anything anymore. It's as though I've gone blind and all I see is a blur. Soon, I can't even hear her screaming. I don't move an inch. Not one inch. Suddenly I hear her cry "Reggie?" And I feel a clap on my shoulder. I jump and it's Dean. I'm back at Chuck's house.

"You okay?"

"What?" I feel so hazy.

"I've been calling you but you were on another planet. Are you okay?" He asks me and turns to Chuck, "What'd you do to him"

"Nothing" He says defensively

"Evan"

"Wh- yeah. I'm fine" I shake my head and look at Chuck who's frowning back at me with a concerned look on his face. Dean puts a hand on my back and guides me from Chuck's house toward the car. Dean and Sam make idle chatter about Lilith and Chuck.

I feel like I'm going to vomit but I hold it in even though the nausea has me breaking out in a cold sweat. Reggie? Was that the guy's name? Was the thing that killed her just a human man? Someone she knew? Someone she trusted? I could feel my body start to shiver and my fist clenched down so tight that I could feel the fresh scars on my knuckles tearing at my skin. A human killed her. My mother was killed by a human, and I was going to find him.


	17. I Am a Survivor

**Author's note: so sorry y'all but I didn't notice until right now that I reposted the same chapter twice for 13 & 14. I fixed it now and 13 is the way it should be so if you're interested, it's back to the way it's supposed to be now. Sorry for the mistake. Also I had accidentally written him in a few times as fifteen. He's fourteen. Sorry for the confusion.**

* * *

When Dad's cellphone starts to ring, for a split second I think that he's calling. It's stupid to think that of course, but I have a feeling that it's family calling. Somehow, I just feel it. Of course, I still don't believe it when Dean tells Sam and me that the kid who called said he was his son.

Dean is so pissed off that he speeds the whole way to Minnesota, in retrospect, it's surprising that we aren't pulled over. Sam isn't angry; he does research on this mystery guy. Adam Milligan was born in September 1990, which means if he was really my brother, he was another older one. And he was a bastard. Just like me. Somehow that isn't comforting even though, maybe, it should be. It meant I wasn't the outcast brother anymore, that there was another boy like me who wasn't part of the Mary and John Winchester blood pack. It makes me furious in a way that I can't describe.

Dean wants to cap him because he thinks Adam is some sort of demon or shifter. Sam as always, is the voice of reason as he rattles off the details he could find on Adam.

"Born September 29, 1990 to Kate Milligan. No father listed on the birth certificate. He's an Eagle Scout, graduated with honors, and currently goes to the University of Wisconsin, biology major, pre-med. Dean, you listening?"

"This is a trap" Dean says as he arms himself with weapons from the trunk. Sam sighs and looks over at me for moral support but I don't give him any. I just turn and follow Dean into the diner where we're meeting this guy. As Dean prepares his trap for Adam, both Sam and I are on the same page on one thing. We're both confused as to why Dean is having such a hard time believing this guy is family. Dean grabs a seat from another table and drags it next to two other seats on one side of the table. I'm glad because that means we all get to sit together on the side of the table.

"Dad would be gone for weeks at a time, and he wasn't exactly a monk" Sam says and throws a look right at me.

"A hunter rolls into town, kills a monster, saves the girl… sometimes the girl's grateful"

"Is she, Sam?" I hiss at him, "Is the damsel in distress grateful?"

"Look" He winces, "Evan, I didn't mean it like that"

"Didn't mean it like how? Like my mother was just a girl giving Dad a little thank you gift?"

"Evan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean that hunting isn't the worst way to meet girls"

"Okay, now I'm thinking of Dad sex" Dean says with a look of disgust painted on his face, "Stop talking"

We all know him immediately as he walks in and the bell on the diner door chimes. He's taller than I am, maybe as tall as Dean is. For some reason that upsets me too. I didn't expect him to be shorter than me but I wish he were. His hair is brown and straight, like Sam and Dean's. I resist the urge to run my fingers through my black curls as Sam calls him to attention.

"Adam?" Sam says and Adam turns to us

"I'm Sam, these are my brothers Dean and Evan"

Adam takes a seat at our table. His eyes are blue, like mine but he's paler than my brothers and me. His face and nose are long and narrow. He doesn't look a thing like Dad or my brothers and I smile inwardly. Good.

"How'd you know my dad?" He asks softly

"We worked together." Sam says, "Dean and I worked with him" he adds when Adam flicks his eyes over at me.

"Oh" He sighs, "how did he die?"

I can feel my nails digging into my palms but I can't unclench my fists.

"On the job"

"He was a mechanic right?"

"A car fell on him" Dean says sharply

The snobby waitress who had thrown menus at us when we sat down comes out with a glass of water for Adam but Dean takes it because he wants him to drink the

Holy water he set out for him. He takes a sip and nothing happens. Dean looks put out. Sam makes small talk so it isn't awkward.

"When was the last time you saw John?"

"I don't even know… A couple years"

Dean takes the gun from his holster and points it at him underneath the table. I know Adam isn't a creature but I'm praying for him to give Dean a reason.

"Why'd you decide to call him now?" Sam asks

"I didn't know who else to call. He's the only family I got"

I roll my eyes but suddenly I feel a wave a panic wash through me. I don't want that to change. I don't want Adam to be a part of this family. It's mine and he can't have it.

"What about your mom?" I ask louder than I should

He looks at me like he's surprised that I'm involving myself in the conversation but I hold my gaze on him and he answers.

"She's uh… She's gone missing"

"Really? I'm sorry. For how long?" Sam asks but Dean cuts him off short

"It's tragic. Really. But if you're John's kid, how come we've never heard of you?"

He goes on about how he only really started getting to know Dad a few years ago. His mother is a nurse and met Dad in the ER after a hunting accident. It got me thinking about how my mom met Dad. Was she a nurse? Maybe she was a doctor or a surgeon. Or maybe he was just finished with a hunt and he saw her walking home from a library or something because my mom probably loved to read, and then it was just love when he saw her. Maybe she had her hands full of books and the wind was blowing hard and they started to fall over so Dad ran across the street and grabbed them before they could fall. And then he smiled at her and she laughed and said thank you, and he offered to hold them for her and she let him because he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. Then they probably walked back to her house and talked about her books and his music and at the door, he asked her if she wanted to grab lunch-

"Oh, this is crap" Dean snarls at Adam, "you know what? You're lying"

"No, I'm not" Adam says in shock

"Uh… Yeah, you are"

"I'm sorry, but who the hell are you to call me a liar?"

"We're John Winchester's sons, that's who" Dean says and gestures to the three of us sitting on our side of the table. "We are his sons"

Adam stares at us for a beat and breathes, "I've got brothers?"

"No, you don't have brothers" Dean snaps, "Look man, I don't know if you're a hunter or what kind of game you're playing here"

"I've never been hunting in my life"

I scoffed before I could help it and Dean gives me an annoyed look.

"Whatever" He says and stands from his seat. He gives me a shove and I stand too.

"We're out of here. Come on Sam"

"I can prove it" Adam says right as Dean starts for the door.

* * *

I can't contain myself any longer as we follow Adam back to his place in the Impala.

"So what if he does have proof? It doesn't change anything, guys. He's nothing to us anyway! We just meet him and suddenly that's supposed to count for something?"

"Evan, he's our brother" Sam squints back at me

"You don't know that" Dean grumbles but Sam ignores him

"It doesn't matter if we're just meeting him now or if we met him years ago. He's still family"

"You don't know that for sure, Sam" Dean pipes up louder this time

"Well, if he is our brother, he's the only other family we have"

"Until this morning, we were the only family we needed" I say bitterly and sit back in my seat.

We pull up at a house in a pretty decent suburban area and park and follow Adam inside. Almost immediately Dean picks up a picture from a table and stares at it. Sam and I look over his shoulder and see Dad standing next to Adam at a baseball stadium. It's like an anchor dropped in the pit of my stomach. Dad took Adam to a baseball game. A baseball game of all games he could have taken him to, he took him to baseball. The one passion I have ever known in my life, the only thing I had ever been good at or better at than anyone else I know, is what my father decided to share with this stranger and not me.

"He took you to a baseball game?" Dean asked stunned

"Yeah" Adam said fondly, "When I turned fourteen. Dad was around for a few of my birthdays"

Sam and Dean both look over at me. Earlier this year, I spent my fourteenth birthday coming to terms with my big brother's inevitable death. Sam takes out Dad's journal and reads "September 29th, 2004. One word, Minnesota"

"He took you to a freaking baseball game?" Dean repeats

"Yeah" Adam says casually, "Why? What'd Dad do with you on your birthday?"

"My Dad died when I was twelve" I glare

"I'm sorry." He says recoiling a bit

"Aw" Dean says sarcastically and frowns

I want to go but that's not an option now since Sam already begun to grill him about his mother's disappearance. There are pictures in frames of Dad hugging this blonde woman in his arms. She's blonde like Sam and Dean's mom. It must be Adam's mother. If I didn't know better, I'd think they were in love. He's a liar and I hate him.

I feel like beating the crap out of this guy. He's taller than me but I know I can take him without trouble because when Dad wasn't taking him to baseball games, he was teaching me hand-to-hand combat. I couldn't care less about Adam's mother. As far as I'm concerned, she's as good as dead anyway but Sam and Dean are already on the case. At least Dean doesn't want to be here either. That makes me feel better.

* * *

After investigating the house and coming up with some pretty solid evidence that Kate Milligan is a doornail; Sam, Dean, and I head to a motel and wait while Adam tells the police about the human remains Dean found in the air duct.

"How're you holding up?" Dean asks as he cleans one of his shotguns

"What? Who, me?"

"No, the gun. Yeah you. How are you?"

"I'm good. I'm fine"

"You don't seem fine"

"But I am"

"You're not bothered by any of this at all"

"Not a bit"

"You're absolutely cool"

"As a cucumber" I say with a nod

"Evan, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. I know I am" Sam says, "To go all these years and just find out today that we have another brother, and that Dad spent actual bonding time with him-"

There's a knock at the door and I feel a brief moment of relief from my brothers' scrutiny before I see who it is at the door. Adam is freaking out at us because he knows that Sam and Dean aren't mechanics. Sam tells him the truth and immediately Adam wants in on the action without question. It's a suspicious reaction even with his casual explanation that he trusts us because we're his brothers, but I don't really start to feel like something is wrong until he says

"This thing killed my mom"

I feel smoldering in the pit of my stomach the moment he says that statement with so much certainty. People who just lose close family members, who are just informed that their loved ones are dead, are not likely to be able to admit it twenty-seconds after and plot revenge. Something is off. It's too easy, but Sam and Dean are squabbling over something else.

"He didn't want Adam to have our lives, okay? And we're going to respect his wishes" Dean says firmly

"Wait, but isn't he like, thirteen?" Adam says pointing at me

"Fourteen" I correct icily

"And?" Dean asks

"And I'm nineteen. If he can do it, no offense, but I can probably learn. Don't I get a say in this?"

"No!" Dean shouts and heads for the door, "You babysit" he says over his shoulder at Sam

"Where are you going? Don't leave me with him!" I protest

"Behave yourself while I'm gone" He says and shoots me a stern look. He doesn't have to say anything for me to know that he means no fighting. He grabs his jacket and leaves.

"Is he always like that?" Adam grumbles

"Welcome to the family" Sam sighs and hands him a gun without a clip, "here"

"Sam" I say gaping at him, "Dean said-"

"I know what Dean said" Sam says more to Adam than to me, "and I know what it's like to want revenge"

* * *

"So, how long have you been a hunter?" Adam asks me a few minutes after Sam teaches him how to assemble and disassemble a gun.

"Always"

"Do you go to school?"

I don't answer. I look over at Sam and roll my eyes and he gives me a half frown.

"I'm sorry" He says, "I'm not trying to pry. I'm just curious. It's not every day you find out that you have long lost brothers"

"It's not every day you find out that your mom is dead either, but that doesn't stop you from acting like it is"

"Evan" Sam hisses

"No, it's okay" Adam says, "I guess, a part of me is keeping hope alive that she's still alive"

"So you don't want revenge?"

"Whatever took her, hurt her. I want revenge"

"For a guy who just lost both of their parents in one day, I'm just saying that you're taking it well. Who knows, maybe you are cut out for this job"

"I guess it's just in my blood" He smiles lightly

I smile back sarcastically but catch a glimpse of Sam glowering at me so I stop.

"You know what would be great? If after all of this, we find out what happened to my mom. Not like a priority or anything, just something to think about since she was killed years ago and we never bothered to look into it."

Sam sighs solemnly "Evan-"

"Forget it. It's not important."

"It is. And we will get to the bottom of it. You know how things have been for us lately, but that doesn't make your mom less important"

I know I'm projecting on Sam but I let myself pout anyway.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get in the middle of anything." Adam says cautiously

"You're not. We've all had losses" Sam says, "and we're going to get to the bottom of it."

"Sam, can I ask… what happened to Dad? How he really died?"

"Demon"

"And you hunted it down? Got revenge?"

"Dean killed it"

"So, it's over for you."

"It's never over." Sam says darkly just before the lights go out.

"What the-"

"Shh" Sam hushes at Adam as he loads his shotgun. I grab a gun off of the bed too.

Sam checks the door and but there's a rustling sound in the vent in the ceiling.

"Sam, I think it's-"

"It's in the air vents" Sam finishes and yanks open the door, "Go!"

Adam runs out first and Sam pushes me out next and we hurry down the steps.

"Where's your car?" He barks at Adam

"Over there"

Sam gets the keys and we run to the car.

"But Sam, what about the-"

"Get in the-" Sam goes down hard and is dragged by his feet halfway underneath Adam's car.

"Sam!" I scream and drop my gun. I try to pull Sam away but he's so heavy, even when Adam rushes over and tries to help, Sam doesn't budge.

"No, Sam! Please!" I yell and then I hear a car screech to a stop behind us.

"Dean! Help!" Adam calls out and in a second Dean is next to us pulling at Sam. He's so strong that he pulls Sam from under the car in a few seconds and shoots under the carriage at whatever it was grabbing Sam but it's already gone.

"I'm okay, Evan" Sam says to me and I realize that my hands are still wrapped around his arm like a vice. I let go and he pats my back. Adam is panting on the floor like a dog.

"You good?" Dean asks him and reaches a hand down to help him up. I help myself up before he can do the same for me because I'm not weak and out of breath like Adam.

There's blood under the car but not a lot.

"You hurt it." I say

"Yeah. Did you see it?"

"I didn't get a good look." Sam says

"What the hell is this thing?"

"Should we go after it?" Adam asks

"No. In that maze?" Dean says pointing at the manhole it escaped into "It's long gone"

Dean tells us that there's a pattern of deaths in town recently. Everyone that Dad knew in town is dead. The cop who helped him, Adam's mother, and now it's after Adam.

"It wants revenge." Adam says

That word is starting to annoy me; it's like his favorite word. Sam and Adam drive back to Adam's house in his car and I ride along in the Impala with Dean.

"You hungry?" He asks me

"Nope"

"Who would be with that chip on your shoulder." He grumbles

"That was cheesy even for you, Dean"

"Are you going to tell me what's been eating you or what?"

"Is it that hard to guess?"

"No." He admits, "but it might help to… you know, get it off your chest. Emote" He says. He's speaking with a lot of hand gestures like he always does when he's uncomfortable.

"No chick flick moments, Dean" I grin, "remember?"

He looks over at me but he doesn't smile back.

"I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't get why we're helping this guy so much anyway"

"He needs help, it's our job. Plus, he's family"

I sigh heavily and cross my arms.

"Like it or not, he's family." He says more pointedly this time, "And we don't turn our back on family"

"Why couldn't Dad care about us the way he cared about him? What makes him so special?"

"You got me there, kid. But whatever Dad's reasons were, it's not Adam's fault."

"I don't trust him"

"He checks out. He's our brother, end of story"

"I don't like him"

Dean pulled up next to the house, shut off the engine, and turned to me.

"Give him a break, the kid lost both of his parents in less than 24 hours."

"He doesn't act like it"

"He's angry. Just like you." He says and gets out. I follow.

* * *

I still don't like him but I tell myself to suck it up because I have to. Dean and Sam argue again over what to do with Adam. Dean wants to take him to Bobby's house so he can be safe while we finish up here but Sam wants to use Adam as bait to lure this thing out and kill it. Then he wants to take him with us on the road and make him one of us.

"He could die, Sam"

"We could all die, Dean."

I'm starting to see that I was wrong before. All this time I was thinking that Dean was on the same page as I was, angry and admittedly jealous while Sam accepted and even embraced Adam, but I was wrong. Dean was just bitter. Sam was the angry one. He was just better at hiding it. Even from himself. Adam is on board with Sam's plan so we're going with that one.

The next day, Sam teaches Adam how to hunt. Dean hangs back by the Impala and I wait with him even though I'm curious to know whether or not Adam can shoot better than I can.

"This is a bad idea" Dean mumbles

"Is he coming with us after this?"

"He's in college. I don't know."

"Sam was in college too"

"All I know is that this is wrong. This isn't what Dad wanted"

"What did he want?"

Dean shrugs

"If Dad always got what he wanted, your mom would probably still be alive and Adam and I wouldn't even exist. You and Sam would be in Kansas, married and taking your kids on road trips… to Hawaii… or something" I smirk

He looks over at me and blinks hard "Road trips to Hawaii? We gotta get you back to school"

I laugh and so does he. For the first time in the past couple of days, I feel good.

* * *

The feeling doesn't last long though because once we're back at Adam's place, Sam tells Adam that he has to give up his life and become a hunter now. No family, no connections with anyone, nothing. It's for their protection. The only thing he has left is family. It sounds like something Dad had said to Sam before the Stanford incident. Dean pulls Sam into the hallway to talk. I was right about Sam this time; he's definitely angry and jealous.

"Do they always fight like that?" Adam asks me with a grin. I don't answer.

"Okay…" He says awkwardly, "it may sound weird but, I know how you feel. Everything is normal and predictable one minute, and the next you have a new brother. Or three in my case…"

I roll my eyes. Predictable and normal? I've never experienced anything close to that my whole life, but I won't let him bait me. At least that's what I thought at the time. Actually I just fall right into his trap. I couldn't wait to get out of the house, so I leave with Dean to try and put an end to the nonsense once and for all. We left Sam alone with a ghoul. Adam was dead the entire time. We bonded with a ghoul for days and it played us like fools. All of us.

Dean takes out the ghoul pretending to be Kate in one shot to the head and the Adam ghoul attacks him. I want to help but Sam is bleeding out so I help him out of his bondages and put a dishtowel on his biggest gash as Dean bashes Adam's face in.

"Sam, are you okay?"

"Yeah" He winces, "thank you"

"That's what family's for" I smile at him. Dean stiches him up when we get back the motel, then we go back to the cemetery and burn Adam's real body. As I watch my older brother's corpse burn to ash, I can't help but notice that all of my brothers have died at least once, except for me. My whole family has died at one point or another. I am fourteen years old, and I am invincible.


	18. When It Hits the Fan I Know What Matters

"I keep seeing her. I'm in my bedroom and she's trying to get me out of the window but there isn't enough time, so she tells me to hide in the closet and I do. Then a man breaks the door open. I think she recognized him. She said the name 'Reggie'. I was there when it happened. I forgot before, but now I remember."

"It sounds like you repressed the memory" Sam says softly, "Evan, how long have you been reliving these memories?"

"Now and then I'd see little bits, but it got worse after Chuck's house. He told me that I was there and it just sort of, clicked, I guess."

Sam types something into his laptop

"Uh, okay, so I found a Margaret Ann Kingsley born April 12th, 1967 in Jefferson City, Missouri, died in Blue Springs, Missouri on June 9th, 1999. Obits say that she left behind a young son."

"Me. Can you look for someone named Reggie?"

Sam types again.

"There are hundreds of people who could go by the name Reggie in the area"

"Yeah, and there's a chance that not one of them have anything to do with your mom" Dean says

"Evan, do you remember anything else about your mom's attacker? Height, weight, hair color, that sort of thing?"

It's strange to be on the other side of the interview this time around. Sam and Dean are staring at me intently, hanging on my every word and trying to make sense of it. Trying to help me.

"I can't remember." I frown, "but he's human"

"Maybe possessed by a demon?" Dean asks Sam

"Probably. It could be something like Adam, demon wants revenge…"

"Why didn't he kill me then? I was right there in the closet"

"I don't know." Sam sighs, "We'll go down there and find out what we can"

"Really? When?"

"Tomorrow" Dean says.

Tomorrow has to wait because Castiel comes to Dean in a dream and tells him to meet him at a warehouse for important news.

* * *

The place where we were supposed to meet is in ruins and there's a bloody sigil painted on the wall. When we find Castiel, he's passed out in debris. And he's not Castiel, he says his name is Jimmy, and Castiel is gone.

Jimmy Novak is a vessel and unlike demon possession, the guy actually asked to be possessed. He sacrificed his whole life and abandoned his wife and kid by choice, just so he could feel like he's a part of a greater purpose. Some people would probably think that he's noble for it but I think he's selfish. Was his greater purpose worth abandoning his family? He doesn't seem to think so anymore. He wants to go back home now but it's too late. He's a target now and a danger to everyone around him, which apparently, he doesn't care about since the first chance he gets, he slips past us and heads home.

It doesn't take long to catch up with him; we arrive at his place a few hours after he did and demons beat us to the punch. I'm amazed that they found out about Jimmy so quickly, even more so when they hijack his wife Amelia's body to lure us back. It doesn't look good for all of us, Jimmy gets shot and the demons close in, and then suddenly, Castiel is back. He's using Jimmy's little daughter as a vessel, but my attention is on something else.

I'm watching my brother, Sam, pin a demon underneath his body and suck the blood from her neck, like a vampire. My brother, Sam… raises his hand and kills the demon possessing Amelia before she has a chance to kill us. He has blood smeared all over his mouth. He looks like some kind of monster, but he saved us, and he saved Jimmy's wife from that demon.

Castiel transfers back into Jimmy's body and decides not to tell us his urgent news from before. He doesn't want to help us anymore. I don't care; he wasn't ever much help anyway.

* * *

The car ride is silent and tense. I'm bursting with questions but I don't want to be the first to speak. Sam is.

"Alright, let's hear it."

"What?" Dean asks casually

"Drop the bomb, man. You saw what I did. Come on, stop the car, take a swing."

"You were drinking blood, Sam" I say and move up in my seat, "you were drinking blood like a vampire"

"I know. Let me explain."

"Don't." Dean says sharply, "It's not important"

"What? Dean, he was drinking blood. That seems like something worth talking about, right?"

"Nope"

"Dean" Sam pleads

"I don't care"

"You don't care?"

"What do you want me to say, that I'm disappointed? Yeah. I am. But mostly, I'm just tired, man. I'm done. I am just done"

Sam's cellphone rings. Bobby asks us to meet up at his place. Only Dean knew it was a trap. He must have talked to Bobby sometime before we left the warehouse when Sam and I weren't around. They lock Sam in the panic room minutes after we arrive.

* * *

I am fifteen years old and my brother is locked in a cell screaming and begging for help while I wait up stairs and pretend not to hear it. Bobby brings me a cup of coffee. I haven't slept all night.

"I know this is hard, son…"

"It's my birthday today" I tell him, "I knew something had to happen. It always does around this time of year. You know, some people look forward to their birthday?" I chuckle but he doesn't laugh. He looks so sorry for me that I look away from him. I take a sip of my coffee and Dean comes up stairs.

"How is he?"

"I don't know" He mumbles and takes the newspaper Bobby stretches out to him.

"The news ain't good" Bobby huffs

"This is what Rufus called about? 'Key West sees ten species go extinct'."

"Yep. Plus Alaska. Fifteen-man fishing crew all stricken blind, cause unknown. New York, teacher goes postal, locks the door, kills exactly sixty-six kids. All this in a single day. I looked them up. There's no doubt about it. They're all seals. Breaking. Fast."

"How many are left?"

"Who knows? Can't be many. Where the hell are your angel pals?"

"You tell me."

Bobby takes a pause… "I'm just wondering..."

"What?"

"The apocalypse being nigh and all...is now really the right time to be having this little domestic drama of ours?"

"What do you mean?" Dean squints his eyes. I look at Bobby to see if he's going to tread with caution. He does.

"Well, I don't like this any more than you do, but Sam can kill demons. He's got a shot at stopping Armageddon."

"So what? Sacrifice Sam's life, his soul, for the greater good? Is that what you're saying? Times are bad, so let's use Sam as a nuclear warhead?" Dean snaps and advances on him a few steps

"Look, I know you hate me for suggesting it. I hate me for suggesting it. I love that boy like a son. All I'm saying is maybe he's here right now instead of on the battlefield because we love him too much."

"It was Ruby, wasn't it?" I ask Dean, "Who got him hooked on the blood?"

"Who else" He grumbles

"Maybe we can start with her. Maybe it we take her out, Sam will get better. Like cutting off his power supply or something"

"I don't think it works like that" Bobby frowns

"Maybe, maybe not. It's worth a try. Worst-case scenario, it doesn't work. But at least Ruby will be dead, right?"

"I'll deal with Ruby. Don't worry. But for now, she's not a threat. She can't get in to see him and he can't get out to see her. What we need right now, is to stop the apocalypse before all hell breaks loose… literally"

"And how do you suppose we do that?" Bobby asks dryly

Dean walks over to the table and picks up Bobby's bottle of scotch.

"I'll keep trying Cas." He says as he fills up a glass, "push comes to shove, we'll take out Lilith ourselves"

"How are we going to do that without Sam?"

"Whoa, no" He shakes his head at me, "I mean 'we' as in Bobby and me. You're not coming"

"But-"

"But nothing. You're not getting anywhere near her"

"You mean near her again… because I've been near her plenty already"

"Fine then. You're not getting near her again" He flashes a quick thin smile and sits down on Bobby's couch

"Why not?" I shout at him

"Because I said so!" He glares, "If you think I'm going to drag you front and center to the freaking apocalypse, you've got another thing coming"

"I'm just as much a part of this as you are!"

"Too bad! I didn't ask for you to be fourteen"

"Fifteen. Dean. I'm fifteen." I say flatly

"Fifteen, sorry. Happy birthday" He sighs heavily and rubs at his eyes

"Thanks"

"But the answer is still no. I don't care if I have to throw you in that panic room next to Sam. You're not going"

"No way! Don't give me that, Dean! This isn't the time to pull a power trip! It's the apocalypse and you are going to need all of the help you can get!"

"Evan, I said no!" He roars at me, "This is not a debate! I said no, that's all there is to it!"

I think it's just the adrenaline pumping through my veins because I'm at the end of my rope. Sam is locked in a cellar downstairs and Dean is going to try to take on Lilith alone again after she literally had him shred to pieces a year ago. I just can't let him do this even though he looks like he's ready tear my head off.

"You are not the boss of everyone" I glower

"Excuse me?" He says as his eyes narrow into slits

"Will you two cool it?" Bobby barks at us but it was more of a request than a command. I ignore him.

"You locked Sam away in the panic room, Dean. If anyone could kill Lilith, it's him. Now you want to go fight her alone? With Bobby? Or maybe your shady angel friend if he even answers you? I won't let you do this. I won't let you die again"

Dean walks towards me but I hold my ground "Maybe you're right. Maybe Sam can take Lilith with his demon powers…" He spits out the words as though they leave a bad taste in his mouth. "…But I'm not going to let him do it. Not that way. Not sucking blood like some…" He stops himself and his gaze hardens, "But you know what, you're right. I'm not the boss of everyone"

My heart leaps for about a half of a second

"Just you" he says without blinking, "and get wind of you even thinking about disobeying me, I'll throw you in that room so fast it'll make your head spin. You understand me?"

I falter. It's what I've been trained to do. Even with the adrenaline surging through my body, all I can do is lower my eyes and submit.

"Yes" I mutter and it's hardly audible

"Good" He says and looks over at Bobby who has clearly decided that he doesn't want to step in between Dean and me. He doesn't mind getting into it when it's Dean and Sam, but it's different with me. Like it's not his place to intervene with me.

* * *

When Sam escapes from the panic room, everything else just spirals out of control. Dean goes after him and comes back without him. Sam, all juiced up with Ruby's blood, beat the crap out of him and left. Bobby's got a shiner like you wouldn't believe from where Sam whacked him with the butt of a shotgun. I've never seen Dean this angry before. Bobby wants him to call Sam and make up but Dean isn't having any of that.

"I'll call him." I volunteer with a shrug.

"No" Dean says firmly, "he made his choice"

"He made a bad one. What's the worst that can happen?" I shrug again and laugh, "Not like he can beat my ass through the phone."

Dean and Bobby aren't amused.

"Sam's gone. I'm not even sure if he's still our brother. If he ever was"

Bobby is fuming.

"You stupid, stupid son of a bitch! Well, boo hoo, I am so sorry your feelings are hurt, princess! Are you under the impression that family's supposed to make you feel good? Make you an apple pie, maybe? They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family!" He yells

"I told him, "you walk out that door, don't come back" and he walked out anyway! That was his choice!" Dean bellows back

"You sound like a whiny brat. No, you sound like your dad. Well, let me tell you something. Your dad was a coward."

Dean squints incredulously at him "My dad was a lot of things, Bobby, but a coward?"

"He'd rather push Sam away than reach out to him. Well, that don't strike me as brave. You are a better man than your daddy ever was. So you do all of us a favor. Don't be him." Bobby says

"I said I'll call him." I say louder this time but Dean is gone. He disappeared into thin air. "Dean?"

"Oh hell!" Bobby shouts and knocks some newspapers off of his desk

"Where's Dean?"

"My best guess? Angels got him"

"To bring him to Sam?"

"I hope so"

I call Dean but it goes straight to voicemail so I call Sam instead. I don't expect him to answer so there are no surprises there. I leave him a message on his phone.

"Sam, I know a lot of stuff has gone down between you and Dean, but Dean's in trouble. Big trouble." It's probably a lie but I don't care as long as it gets through to Sam. "Something big is going down, Sam. He needs your help, please. I don't know what to do."

Bobby frowns at me when I hang up, "I'm sure Dean's fine. The angels just probably took him 'cause-"

"It doesn't matter. Bobby, we need to find Sam. Now."

"How?"

"Dean did it, we'll have to find a way"

* * *

Trying to track down Sam is harder than I thought, and I knew it wasn't going to be a picnic. There are omens all over and seals being broken across the globe. I don't know how many are left but I'm starting to feel like we're down to the single digits. I call Ellen for help, she says if Ash was still alive that it would be easier to find him but she'll do the best she can. It's not good enough. Night falls and we're not any closer to finding Sam than when we started.

"Castiel!" I scream, "You giant dick! I know you have my brother! I swear! If you don't give him back!" I scream and throw a chair against the wall.

Bobby runs over and wrestles me to the ground as I destroy whatever furniture I can put my hands on. My face is hot and wet with salt and tears. I buck with all of my strength but his arms are wrapped around me so tight that I can't budge an inch. He's stronger than he looks.

"Let me go! Let me go! I have to find my brothers! Bobby! Let go you son of a bitch! You son of a bitch, you stupid son of a bitch!" I cry, my voice is raw and achy

"Shh, it's okay. Evan, it's okay"

I go limp in his arms and cry. He's still holding me tight so I wait while he tells me everything will be okay. I slow down my breathing and sniffle a little. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

"I'm okay, Bobby. I'm just scared"

Bobby lets me go and strokes my hair. I use the advantage. I elbow him hard in the gut and make a break for it. I don't know where I'm running to but I can't sit in Bobby's place any longer. I hurry into one of the cars in the yard and hotwire it quick before Bobby makes it to the front door.

I call Sam again. This time it rings.

"Pick up, pick up, pick up, Sam." I plead under my breath

"Evan" I hear after the fifth ring.

"Sam! Where are you? Sam, I need your help"

"Dean's fine."

"What? H-how do you know? He's been gone all day"

"He left a voicemail. He's fine. More than fine"

"Sam, please. Just tell me where you are. We can fix this"

"It's too late."

"Sam, just tell me where you are"

"Goodbye, Evan"

I'm running out of options and time. Someone, somewhere has to know what to do. Somebody has to know. Someone…knows. Knows what Sam is doing all the time. Knows where Dean is at every moment of everyday. Chuck. Chuck knows everything.

"Evan?" His shaky nervous voice picks up, "can I call you back? I'm kind of in the middle of something"

"Chuck. I. Will. Destroy you."

"Look, I'm not supposed to—what? What are you doing here?"

"Chuck?"

"T-t-this isn't supposed to happen"

"Chuck!"

"Dean is here with Castiel. I have to call you back"

"Wait! Let me talk to Dean!"

"Okay, hold on."

There's a shuffling and then I hear his voice.

"I'm okay"

"Dean, what's going on?"

"I'm going to save Sam. We're going to stop this"

"Bobby's worried. He wants to know where you're going to be"

"Let me talk to him"

"He's in the yard. I don't know where, I'll tell him when he comes back"

Dean asks Chuck where Sam is and tells me that they were going to Saint Mary's convent. The line goes dead. I drive. I'm too late. Ruby falls to floor. I run down the corridor just as a bright white light shoots from the floor.

"Evan!" Dean gasps and I throw my arms around both of my brothers. They cling on to me and I hide my face in Dean's shirt. It's the end and we're together. That's all that matters. I can die like this.

"Dean" I hear Sam say, "he's coming."


	19. Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Being alive isn't good enough for all of us. Only me. I could suffocate from all the tension between my brothers. Things are bad for us. Dean is mad at Sam all the time for all that stuff he did with Ruby. He blames him for the apocalypse but I don't. Nobody knew that killing Lilith was the final seal to break to release Lucifer. If Dean had the chance, he would have killed Lilith himself. Sam just beat him to the punch. Dean will get over it soon enough, he knows deep down that Sam was just trying to do what we've all been trained to do all our lives. Kill. Castiel is dead. Some douche angel named Zachariah killed him for busting Dean out of heaven to save Sam. The angels wanted this just as much as the demons did, but you won't hear anyone throwing blame their way for what happened. Dean says he just wants to clean up this mess and not talk about it. Good.

The first time we meet Becky Rosen, super fan, is in a motel room. Chuck sent her to us with a message but she can hardly keep herself together when she sees Sam. It's cute in a way. She's less impressed with Dean and me.

"You're… not what I pictured." She says to Dean. I laugh.

"And Evan. I'm so sorry" She sighs heavy and empathetically

"Why?"

"I've read all about you guys. I've even written a few…" She giggles, Sam and Dean aren't amused but I can't help but smile at her giddiness. "Anyway, Mr. Edlund told me you were here." She tells us that the Michael sword is lost on Earth in a castle, on a hill with forty-two dogs. We head over to Bobby's place for a little help trying to decode what that message means.

He tells us that Michael is the toughest angel in heaven. We start researching whatever we can find about him until Bobby asks Sam if he's all right.

"No, actually Bobby… this was all my fault. I'm sorry"

"Sam" Dean and I say simultaneously but it's too late. Sam tells him that he set Lucifer free by killing Lilith. She was the final seal.

Then, Bobby just verbally tears into him while Dean just watches.

"I'm sorry"

"This kind of thing don't get forgiven, boy." He snarls. I can't take it.

"Lay off, Bobby" I snap

"Excuse me?"

"Evan, it's okay" Sam says quietly

"Did you know Lilith was the last seal? Did you, Dean? Because I sure didn't. If any of us had the chance, we would've iced that demon bitch on sight so don't started in on him like you knew better"

"No. He's right" Sam nods, "I should have listened. You tried. You all tried to stop me but…"

I roll my eyes "this is bull"

"When the end of the world comes, we'll see what's 'bull' when the world comes to an end because of this" Bobby growls and turns to Sam, "if by some miracle, we pull this off… I want you to lose my number. You understand me?"

Sam nods. I look at Dean; he's looking at the ground, too hurt by pride to stick up for his own brother.

"There's an old church nearby" Sam says, "Maybe I'll go read some of the lore books there"

"I'm coming" I say without taking my eyes off of Dean, "are you coming Dean?"

"No, I think I'll stick around here for a while" He says to me

"Fine." I say and grab my jacket, "pout then. Big baby" I spit at him and follow Sam out.

* * *

Sam acts like a wounded puppy as he flips through pages of his book. I hate seeing him like this. So pitiful and pathetic. It's enraging. I clench my jaw and try to keep my eyes what I'm reading.

"Hey" He finally says. I don't answer. I can tell by the apologetic tone of his voice that he's going to make me regret coming.

"I know it's been a rough year for you. A rough couple of years. You do a lot more than I give you credit for. I want you to know that I appreciate it. Dean and I, we both do. After what I did this summer with Ellen… I shouldn't-"

"Blah. Blah. Blah" I sigh, "I'm going to go for a walk."

"Oh. Uh, sure" Sam nods.

"Pull yourself together." I say as I stalk out. I need air. Ellen calls and asks what happened. She's worried. I tell her that everyone is okay and there's nothing to worry about. Lilith was the last seal and we killed her by mistake. Lucifer is free.

"Nothing to worry about? The devil is loose on Earth and there's nothing to worry about?"

I tell her the devil was loose on Earth long before he escaped the cage. That didn't make her feel better. She asks about my brothers and I tell her that it's going to take a while before she can talk to them. They're working some things out between them.

"What about Bobby? Is he alright?"

"Bobby's a dick"

"What did you say?" She asks in her stern voice

"I said Bobby's a dick"

"You better watch your tongue, boy. Bobby Singer has done more good for-"

"Yeah, I know. I have to go. I'll talk to you later"

"Wait, hold on"

"Bye" I say and hang up and turn my phone off.

* * *

It's not a bad day for the first day of the end of days. I go for ice cream and sit on a bench in the park. There are children playing on the slides and monkey bars and mothers pushing toddlers on swings. I can't remember if my mother ever took me to a park like this one, but I'm sure she did. Teenage girls my age push each other in circles on the merry-go-round. Haydn would've loved to do something like that. She could sit at the edge and hold on tight while I ran as fast as I could to spin it. Her hair would fly all around her face and she'd laugh. I don't notice that I'm staring at the group until I see one of the girls whispering into another's ear and gesture towards me subtly with her head. The girl being whispered too covers her mouth with her hands and giggles. Her hair is brown and short, just touching the bottom of her ears. She's wearing an oversized shirt, tight jeans, and combat boots. Why would someone wear combat boots to a park? I turn my attention away from the group who have all seemed to do the opposite towards me. After a few minutes I hear footsteps coming towards me. I look up and see combat boots standing in front of me.

"Can I help you with something?" I ask and raise my eyebrow.

"My friends and I just noticed that you were sitting out here alone… would you like to come and hang out with us?"

I look beyond her and see the rest of them staring in anticipation.

"We don't bite, I swear" She says and brushes a hair behind her ear. It falls back into place. She clenches and unclenches a fist lightly, nervously; her purple nails reflecting light from the sun each time she extends her fingers.

"What's your name?" I ask her and look directly into her brown eyes. She blinks her long painted lashes and diverts her eyes from mine.

"Mel"

"Evan" I smile and watch the rise and fall of her chest. Even under her loose fitting shirt, the curves of her breasts are distracting.

"Nice to meet you" She smiles and extends a hand and I shake it. I follow her back to her group.

"Evan, this is Kelly." She says pointing to the whisperer, "Daphne, and Tina". At least I think it was Tina. All I can think about is how nice it would feel to stroke Mel's soft skin.

"It's a pleasure to meet you" Daphne grins

"Pleasure's mine"

"So, what are you doing out here all alone?" Kelly asks

"It's a nice day. I wanted to walk."

"It is a nice day to walk." She agrees and looks at Mel expectantly. Mel just giggles uncomfortably. So does everyone else.

"Speaking of walking" Kelly starts again, "Mel was just talking about this neat pizza place close by that she wanted to go to. Right Mel?"

"What?" Mel gapes

"Yeah, but she didn't want to go alone and Daph, Tina and I all have to get back home soon, so we can't go"

"Which is a shame, because she's so hungry" Tina chimes in

"I'm a little hungry." Daphne mutters and half smiles at me

"You already ate" Kelly snaps at her

"Do you want to grab a pizza or something?" Mel titters

"Okay" I shrug and she bites her lip. It makes me think of Haydn, "l could go for pizza"

Her friends say goodbye and abandon her with me in a flash.

"They're so embarrassing" She blushes

"Do they do this often?"

"Do what?"

"Leave you alone with random guys you just met"

"What? No! I mean. It's weird. We ditch each other a lot when…"

"When what?"

"When one of us meets a hot guy"

"Wow. Really?" It's supposed to be a compliment, I know, but that's such a stupid thing to do that I furrow my eyebrows at her.

"Well, I mean, it's not like a dangerous thing. It's only with kids our age, you know? How many kids our age are like, serial killers?"

Her naivety is beginning to annoy me but we've already reached the pizza shop so I follow her in.

"So, do you live nearby?" She asks me through a mouthful of pepperoni and cheese

"No. I'm just visiting relatives for a while"

"Oh. Where are you from?"

"Here and there"

"What does that mean?"

"It doesn't mean anything"

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

Her lips are wet and greasy. I lean forward, grab a napkin from the dispenser, and hand it to her

"Oh my God" She gasps and begins dabbing at her mouth with it, "I'm so embarrassed"

"Don't be" I shrug

"What are you thinking right now?" She asks with a nervous smile

"I'm thinking…" I huff, "I'm thinking that I'd really like to get out of here right now"

"Wow. Really?" She frowns

"With you."

"Wow, really?" She smiles

"Yeah"

"Wow. I like you too. I think you're really hot and totally nice, I saw you at the park and I was like, wow. Guys who look like you are only in like movies and stuff, you know? I've never been with a guy like you before."

"Thanks. What do you say? Want to go?"

"I was hoping you'd ask"

She takes me back to her place. It's small but nice. Her parents aren't home. Her room is beige and the carpet is clean and white. There are stuffed bears and pictures of friends all over the place.

"I know what you're thinking" Mel says as she locks the door behind her, "this is super girlie, but I'm getting into other stuff now."

"Cool."

"My parents aren't going to be back for a couple of hours. We can hang out in here for a while"

"Do you usually take strangers to your home while your parents are gone?"

"Wow. You say that like you think I'm some huge slut or something" She scoffs

"Uh, no?" I say irritably, "but it's pretty freaking stupid if you do."

"I took you here"

"Yeah and you just met me. That's dumb"

"Do you not want to be here or something?" Mel whines

"What is wrong with you? Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"Okay, Dad, I'm sorry"

"Something's telling me that if your dad said this kind of stuff to you, I wouldn't be here"

"Wow! Okay, jerk. If I'm such a slut then why don't you just leave?"

I make a move towards the door but she blocks it with her body, "wait, don't go. I think it's sweet that you care so much, but why did you come here if you were so old fashioned?"

"I came here because I wanted to have sex with you" I say flatly

"Okay. That's a little more forward than I expected"

"You shouldn't expect anything from me. I'm a complete stranger. I have no interest in you other than sex. We won't be friends. I won't call you. More than likely, you will never see me again. You won't be as lucky with other people you bring here. One day you will bring someone to your home and they will hurt you. Do you understand me?"

"Don't lecture me, what about you? You came home with me and I'm a stranger. How do you know I'm not some kind of psycho?"

"Somehow, I think I'd survive." I puff, "Can you say the same?"

She tilted her chin up at me and put her hands on her hips, "Why do you care so much?"

"It's my job" I say and nudge her away from the door

"Why are you leaving?"

"Honestly, with your critically low self-esteem, I'm not sure if you're capable of consent"

"Don't judge me." She snarls presses herself hard against the door

"Get out of my way"

"What if I told you that I lied? That I only made everything up because I wanted you to think I was experienced or something. Because you're the cutest guy I've ever seen and I wanted my first time to be with you"

"I'd say that you're a liar"

"I just broke up with my boyfriend a month ago. My friends have been trying to hook me up every since. I've only been with one guy, I swear. I just wanted you to think I had experience. I heard guys are into that sort of thing"

"I don't care how many guys you've banged" I feel like shouting at her because she's missed the point entirely.

She stands on her tiptoes and leans in close to my mouth "If you didn't like me, you wouldn't come here" She whispers. She's wrong of course and we both know it. I kiss her anyway. Mel's lips are still slick with oil from the pizza and I can taste the cheese on her tongue. Her fingers lock in my hair and pull. She's short and it hurts so I hike my arms under her legs and lift them to my waist. Her kisses are sloppy and hot. I lower her down on the bed and break away from her.

"Wow. I'm really turned on" She giggles and kicks off her boots.

"Do you have condoms?"

"Yup" She says and pulls a pack from under her mattress, "my boyfriend must have left them or something"

"Right."

Her jeans are so tight that it's a group effort to take them off without tearing them. Everything else comes off easily. Jen's body is softer than hers, it felt better all around but Mel feels great too. She claws at my back and pulls my hair but I like it. Maybe all girls have a different feel and style.

"Oh, Evan" She gasps in an exaggerated whine and shifts so that she's on top of me.

She's beautiful.

"Will you call me?" She asks me on my way out, "I put my number in your phone… By the way, you have like six new voicemails"

"What?"

* * *

I meet up with Sam and Dean in the hospital room, Bobby's in the bed.

"Where the hell have you been?" Dean demands

"I was having sex with this girl I met"

Everyone looks taken aback by me for a second, gaging to see whether or not I was serious.

"Well, at least one of us is having a good day" Bobby grumbles

I don't know how Bobby let himself get possessed by a demon but I'm relieved to hear that all that stuff he said to Sam was under the influence of Meg. I didn't want to have to hate Bobby.

In the parking lot, Dean tells Sam that he doesn't know if he can trust him anymore after what he's done. I think it's stupid but I don't say anything this time. I'm still feeling great from my encounter with Mel.

"Where were you today, really?" Dean asks me when we're back at the motel and Sam goes out. Probably to a bar.

"I already told you"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Wow" He says and pouts his bottom lip like he's impressed, "and you used a…"

"Of course"

Dean smiles broadly, "that's my boy. Was she pretty?"

"Yup"

"How did you meet-"

"Cut the crap, Dean." I sigh and kick off my shoes. Dean nods.

"Okay, so you're mad at me. Why?"

"Because you're being a goddamn baby, that's why. Instead of pointing your finger to blame someone, maybe now it's time to stick together."

"I'm trying to, okay? I am literally doing the best I can, but you weren't there. You didn't see him walk out of that room with her"

"I wonder why. Next time don't leave me with a babysitter and maybe I can help"

"I didn't want you in the middle of it"

"You're my brothers. I'm in the middle whether you like it or not. I'm not a kid anymore Dean, I haven't been for a while. You've got to start treating me like one of you guys"

"I know." He sighs under his breath. He picks up his head and smiles sadly "You know all this time, I kept thinking that somehow, someway, I'd be able to protect you from all of this for a little longer. Now…"

"Now we're all in this together"


	20. I'm Tired of Fighting

Castiel is back. Everyone thinks that whatever saved us from Saint Mary's brought him back to life. Cas says that it's God and he just needs to find him and get help. He can't even heal Bobby unless he can somehow get his power restored. He borrows the amulet that Sam gave Dean as a Christmas present so that he could track him down. While he's busy with that, we get a call from Rufus. He's in trouble and he needs our help.

The city is in ruins when we arrive. Ellen is there which is a very welcomed surprise.

"Ellen" I smile

She splashes Dean in the face with holy water.

"We're us." Dean says and she takes us to a church where she and some others have been hiding out.

"Real glad to see you boys" She says

"It's been a while" Dean says

"Yeah, no kidding. If it wasn't for this one keeping me up to date, I wouldn't have a clue you were even alive"

"Sorry, Ellen"

The town has been overrun with demons and all of the survivors. Ellen says she got separated from Jo so be on the look out for her. Sam, Dean, and I head off the sporting goods store so we can stock up on weapons.

"I'll get the salt, you two get the guns." Sam says

"We'll go together." Dean protests

"Dean, it's right there. Can we at least do this like professionals?"

The sun beams through the window and illuminates the blade selection at the far end of the store. I leave my bickering brothers and check it out. I pick up a 16-inch machete with a serrated tip and cut it loose from the package with my pocketknife.

"Whoa there Rambo" Dean says from behind me, "these are demons, not vampires, remember?"

"It'd be tough for a demon to do too much damage without a head, don't you think?"

* * *

While he carries the guns to the car and Sam loads up on rock salt I use my new toy to open a bag of cheese doodles. The front door chimes and two demons step inside. One of them goes to a shelf and starts taking water. What do demons want with water? Sam makes a move and the demon runs toward him. I run up behind them and slice the back of it's neck almost clean through. I whack at the rest of the connecting flesh and muscle and blood splatters all over my face. Sam's eyes widen at me for a second before he turns to the other one and stabs it through the neck. I wipe the blood from my eyes and smile.

"I knew this would come in handy. Stab it, Sammy. With the demon killing knife."

Sam stabs the headless corpse on the floor curiously and inspects the knife as the door chimes again. It's Dean this time.

Armed and ready to go, Ellen wants to go searching for Jo. While Sam and Dean fight in the hallway I volunteer.

"You sure your brother's okay with that?"

"It wouldn't be the first time they left me with you" I grin and she ruffles my hair, "okay kid, let's go"

"I'm coming too." Sam says as he comes back in.

"So, what's up with you and Dean?" She asks Sam as we walk. He doesn't answer her.

"Sam didn't listen to Dean, Dean's being a baby." I say and Sam shoots me a look.

"It's complicated." He changes the subject to Jo just as we reach a house with smoke coming from the chimney. Sam says that demons don't get cold and wonders what they could be burning in the fireplace. I can't think of a good answer as we walk up the steps and directly into an ambush. One of them grabs Ellen from the back so I swing the machete down at their elbow. It screams in pain and falls backwards. I finish it off with a slice across its throat and head towards Sam. I see Jo rushing towards Ellen in the corner of my eye. I raise up my machete again and suddenly I'm being wrenched into the air by my shirt and thrown to the ground hard.

"Evan!" Sam bellows

I can't yell back. There's no air in my lungs. I see a fist rise over my face and fall. Blackness.

"Evan? Evan?"

I open my eyes slowly, my head is pounding and I'm tied to a chair. Sam is in a chair tied to the back of mine.

"Sam" I groan, "are you okay?"

"Alright, that's enough of the chit chat" A man's voice says from behind me. I hear water splash on Sam and feel water running down my face. It stings when it mixes into the fresh cuts on my face. Jo shows up in front of me and gives me a hard glare. Her eyes are black and menacing. Why would a demon go through all this trouble?

"Evan, if you can hear me in there, don't worry. We're going to get you out"

"Jo. I am Evan"

"Yeah right" The man growls "let me tell you something, fourteen year old boys don't just run around lobbing people's arms off and slitting their throat"

"Actually, I'm fifteen."

"Wait" Sam says, "This is all a big-"

"Shut up you evil son of a bitch" The man commands, I can hear Sam sputtering and spitting behind me as salt falls to the ground. I can't budge from my seat.

"That was a good person, you killed" Jo glares as the man starts reciting an exorcism. She splashes water in my face and frowns.

"I'm not a demon" I tell her and spit some of the water out of my mouth. She's not listening, neither of them are. I'm beginning to think that Jo isn't as smart as everyone gives her credit for. After some failed exorcisms, she and the man disappear into the hallway.

"Sam, what the hell is going on?"

"I don't know. Rufus and Jo think we're demons but they're the ones who look like them"

"That's Rufus? Not very personable, is he?"

"I don't know what's going on"

We find out soon enough when Roger comes in to talk to us. He's one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. War. He's making everyone look like demons so that we'd kill each other.

"Honestly, people don't need a reason to kill each other. Do they, Evan? How do you feel knowing that those people you murdered were completely innocent?" He calls over Sam's shoulder to me.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I yawn, it's been such a long day, I don't have any energy left to argue with this guy.

"He doesn't ever need a reason. At least you, Sam, you have good intentions. Of course good intentions are a quick slide to hell, buddy boy. But if you feel bad now, wait until you're thigh deep in worm corpses. Because I'm just getting started"

"If only I still had my machete." I groan as I try to loosen myself from the ropes

"Machetes don't kill demons." Sam says. He's worn and haggard from having his ass handed to him again after war pretended that Sam attacked him.

"They might not kill demons but it would help us break out of here"

"You mean it would cut through the ropes…"

"For one thing, yeah"

"For one thing? These people are just people. You heard War. Everyone here is innocent. You don't just go around killing innocent people with a machete. We have to convince them…"

The door opens and Dean runs in.

"Dean! It's not demons"

"It's War" they both say

Dean cuts both of us free of our restraints and we chase the bastard down. Sam cuts his fingers off and the ring falls to the ground. Shortly after, he disappears.

* * *

I reunite with Ellen and Jo while Dean and Sam sit together at a picnic table. Maybe they're making up. I hope they are.

"Hey" I say to Jo as she packs her duffle bag

"Sorry about that back there" She half smiles

"It wasn't you. No biggie"

"You heading off with Dean and Sam now?"

"Soon"

"Are you taking care of yourself?" Ellen asks

"Of course. I haven't even been arrested yet"

She smiles.

"Have you heard anything from Haydn?"

They both shake their heads.

"I think she and her family moved out to Oregon last I heard" Jo says

Of course they did. Without me there, what reason did she have to stay?

"I'm sorry" Ellen frowns, "but maybe it's best this way, you know? There's enough to worry about already these days without having some monster with a score to settle come after her"

I see Sam stand up in the corner of my eye.  
"I better go. I'll call you." I say and Ellen scoops me into a hug

"Good. I miss you, be safe, you hear?"

"You too Ellen"

She kisses the top of my head. It feels nice. Suddenly, I don't want her to let me go. She's soft and warm but she lets go and I take a step back. I wave at her and walk back to my brothers.

Sam has his duffle around his shoulder but Dean hasn't moved from his seat on the bench.

"Hey" Sam smiles

"Come on, Dean! Get the lead out." I shout at him. He looks away. "What's his problem?"

"Nothing. It's me. I just… I need a break from this for a while. From hunting"

"Are you joking? It's the apocalypse"

"I know. That's why. I already talked about it with Dean and-"

"Are you serious?" I shout at him, "you're leaving?"

"Evan, please" his hands grip my shoulders hard and heavy

"Dean!" I shout over my shoulder, "Dean! Don't let him go!"

"Dean agrees with me"

I snatch his hands off of me and shove him hard. "Dean's an idiot! And so are you!"

Sam frowns and looks at the ground. Dean stands and starts over.

"You're cowards! The both of you suck! Dad told us to stay together, didn't he? Was I the only one listening when he told us that family came first?"

"We're just trying to do what's best." Dean says

"Funny how good intentions turn out, huh?" I glower at the both of them

Dean looks at the ground and Sam is pleading at me with his eyes.

"Fine" I say, "do what you want. Separate. But I'm not going with either one of you"

I look behind me to see if I can hitch a ride with Ellen and Jo but they've already left. Awesome. Sam looks like he's about to cry. He takes a step towards me, arms outstretched.

"Stay away from me! Just go!" I shout. He looks at Dean who solemnly nods like he'll take care of the situation. Sam looks sadly at me one more time before walking towards a pickup getting ready to go.

"Can we talk?" Dean asks me "just grab a burger or pizza or something and talk it out?"

"How many times am I going to have to lose one of you before you decide that I matter?" I say flatly

"You and Sam are the most important things in my life. I don't have all the answers, but I'm doing my best"

"Yeah? Well, your best blows" I sling my bag over my shoulder and run.


	21. I'm a Superhero Too

I stay off the main roads so Dean can't find me. It took hours of hiking through the woods next to the guardrails for me to lose the Impala. I've already turned off my phone; I only hope that he can't track my GPS while it's off. Sam will be on the look out too and I know what that if I slip up once, they'll find me. Eventually I find a town. I stay off the buses and trains, just in case.

"Where are you headed?" The cabman I flag down asks

"I'm headed to Blue Springs Missouri, how far can you take me?"

"How old are you, kid?"

"Old enough"

"That's a long way from here. Are you sure you don't just wanna go on home?"

"I am going home"

* * *

I'm smart enough to know that at least one of my brothers is on my trail. He'll know where I'm headed and if he doesn't know where I am now, he'll find out soon. There are motels where I can stay and pay for in cash but that would require a bribe since I'm still noticeably underage and I don't have a valid ID. I've been meaning to get one of those. Instead I camp out in a park under a bridge and hope that Sam and Dean aren't a step ahead of me.

I do my best to navigate myself across the border of Kansas but it's becoming increasingly impossible to stay off the main roads. I might have to break down and take a bus after all. In the meantime, I walk along the side of the highway sticking my thumb out every now and then but nobody wants to pick up some strange dirty kid. When I finally hear a car slow beside me, I panic until I see that it's not the Impala. The window rolls down and a man leans over to the window.

"Where ya headed?"

"Blue Springs, Missouri"

"I can take you as far as Colby."

I open the passenger side door and climb inside. I didn't realize how cold I was until I sat down in the warm comfort of the car. I shudder. The man turns the heat on high.

"Gets cold out here at night" He says. I put my bag at my feet and look out of the window as he pulls back on to the highway. I take a protein bar from my jacket pocket and take a bite.

"I know it's none of my business, but it's probably not the best idea to be hitchhiking. I don't know your story or where you're coming from, but it's dangerous."

I take another bite and chew.

"I'm not trying to scare you. I'd never hurt anyone, but I have a son of my own and… Last thing this world needs is to see another poor kid on the news."

He looks over at me like he expects me to say something. I chew.

"Well, I hope whatever you're running to is a lot better than whatever you're running from"

He says his name is Jerry and he drives me into Colby, like he promised, but he doesn't stop there. He pulls over to a sidewalk on a suburban street and I grab my bag.

"You got somewhere to sleep tonight, son?"

"I'll be fine, thanks"

"I'm only asking because, that's my home right there" He says pointing his thumb to a small house to our right, "there's a couch you can sleep on, my wife can whip you up some of her famous hot chocolate. Maybe a slice of pie. Sound good to you?"

My stomach growls on cue and he smiles. "I won't take no for an answer"

I don't know the area; I'd rather sleep on a warm dry couch than a park bench, so I follow him inside.

His wife is in the kitchen setting the table when we walk in.

"Honey?" He calls

"Daddy's home!" I hear a small voice cry out and a little boy, maybe seven years old, runs over and hugs Jerry. Jerry scoops the squealing child under his arm and carries him into the kitchen. I follow.

"Marian" He beams at his tall slender wife as he settles his boy on the ground. She looks like an old time movie actress. Her hair is short and curled at the ends, her cheeks are rouged and her red lipstick bright against her pale skin. She stares at me awkwardly.

"Marian, Dustin, I'd like you to say hi to our guest. He's going to be staying here for the night"

"Hi" Dustin says shyly

"Dustin, sweet pea, why don't you take your supper upstairs and watch some TV" Marian says, she's staring at Jerry now.

Dustin doesn't think twice, he grabs a plate from the table and rushes away.

"Jerry, can I have a word with you in private?" She hisses and storms away. Jerry winks at me and pats my arm.

"I'll be right back, son. Why don't you help yourself to the food" He says and follows his wife.

I help myself to the steak and potatoes on the stove. Marian walks back in right as I finish. She takes my plate, drops it into the sink, and turns to me. Her mouth is pressed into a thin firm line.

"What's your name?"

"Evan, ma'am"

"You got a last name, Evan?"

"No ma'am. Just Evan"

"Well, Evan, you listen here. My husband is a very kind hearted and good man, so I'm not at all surprised that he would help out a child in need"

She looks pretty surprised to me.

"But I'll have you know that as kind as he is, he is no fool and if you try any funny business, you'll be in a world of trouble that you wouldn't even believe." She squints.

I nod.

"We don't allow any drugs in this house, so if you've got any, you can just grab your little bag there and go right now."

"I don't take drugs, ma'am"

"And if you're running from the law-"

"No ma'am, I'm not in any trouble. I'm just trying to get back home"

"In Missouri?"

"That's right"

She lets out a deep breath through her nose and looks visibly more relaxed.

"Very well, let me fix you up a bed and a cup of chocolate"

I can't tell which way she's more beautiful, when she's ready to kick my ass or being hospitable, but it's a close call. It must be nice to be married. To have a pretty wife to come home to every day. I picture Haydn in a wedding dress. White, long, and beautiful.

The hot chocolate is delicious. I've only had diner hot chocolate before but Marian made this from scratch. She put whipped cream, marshmallows, and chocolate shavings on top. The couch was soft and warm too. Jerry gave me a remote to the television and told me I could watch it for as long as I want.

* * *

When morning comes I eat breakfast, bacon and eggs, with the family. Dustin talks nonstop about his favorite superhero, Batman. Marian tells me that he's obsessed with vigilantism; Jerry says he's just obsessed with bats. They're good people and I appreciate their help although I refuse Jerry's insistence to drive me to a bus station. Marian called a cab for me and Jerry gave the driver a fifty-dollar bill.

"Take care of yourself, Evan"

"Bye"

* * *

The cab takes me to Oakley and I pay the difference. I knew this trip was going to take a while but at the rate I'm traveling, it'll take days to get there and I'm not sure how much time I have left before Sam and Dean catch up with me. When night falls again, a woman in a blue van picks me up. Her car isn't warm like Jerry's. It smells like spilled booze and cigarettes. She smiles at me and asks my name before she asks where I'm headed. I tell her I'm on my way to Missouri and ask how far she can take me.

"My aren't we just all business" She huffs in feigned offense

"Yes ma'am"

"Ma'am? I'm not that much older than you are, sir. You don't have to call me ma'am." She's at least twice my age. Thirty-two, maybe.

"You are a cutie though, your parents are probably worried sick wondering where you are."

I look out the window.

"The strong silent type, hm? That's okay; my dad was the same way. Always quiet, always brooding. My mom would always talk and talk, like me; I'm Cynthia by the way. What's your name? You look like a Tom or Bradley or something, you've got that cute little Tom or Bradley face. Do you mind if I call you Tom?"

"Can you pull over?"

"Wait, okay, I'm sorry. No Tom then. Are you always this much trouble? That's probably why your parents threw you out in the first place. It's no wonder they're not looking for you or else there would be cops all over the place by now and I haven't seen your poster on the news. That's okay, Aunt Cindy is here for you, I've got some ice tea for you, it's warm but you'll like it. Have some" She says as she reaches behind my seat and pulls out a jug or brown liquid.

"Pull over"

"I'm not going to pull over and drop you off in the middle of nowhere. Calm down, drink your tea"

"Lady" I warn

"Call me Cindy. Just take a sip, I swear you'll like it"

I take the jug and open the lid. She smiles. It doesn't smell like iced tea. It hardly smells like anything. I'm excited now. I didn't even know this kinds of stuff happened in real life. I've only seen it in cheesy movies.

"I'm Evan." I say

"Yeah? That's a nice name. I like that one. Where are you from?"

"Missouri"

"You're from Missouri, going back to Missouri, how'd a little boy like you make it so far out here?"

"I like adventure" I smile.

"How's the tea?"

"It tastes funny" I lie

"No, it's just warm. Have more"

I press the rim to my lips and she smiles.

"You look beat." She says

"I am"

"You're spending the night at my house and you better not argue"

* * *

Killing Cindy was almost too easy. I'm so used to a fight that I half expected her to try to defend herself in some way other than screaming. Her boyfriend Paul was a bit more satisfying. I cut him in two pieces, the piece he used to violate the children Cindy brought home to him, and his arm right through the elbow. There were two other boys in their basement besides me, and one girl. The girl was twelve and she had been there the longest, the oldest boy was sixteen and beaten within an inch of his life. I called the police and ambulance and left them there after Paul bled out and died.

"God, I love this thing" I smirk and kiss the dull edge of my blade. Dustin would've loved this vigilante style justice, just like Batman. I need new clothes. The trip to Aunt Cindy's set me behind even further and now Dean and Sam will be on my hot on my trail for sure. It's time to take the bus.

* * *

I arrive in Blue Springs in the afternoon. Now what? I don't know my old address so I can't see the house, I'm not old enough to pretend to be a fed, I don't even have a driver's license. As I walk down the sidewalk with my bag draped around me, I realize how impulsive this trip was. I have no clue of where to begin. I walk by the small baseball park I would have played in growing up. Dean, Sam and I would've played catch there. I stop for a moment to watch. I hear footsteps behind me. I know before I turn. My time is up.

"I thought we'd find you here"


	22. I'm Getting Closer to the Truth

"How'd you find me?" I ask. I was so discreet; I just have to know how they got here so fast. "I covered all of my basis, I didn't leave a trail"

"You didn't" Sam says, "but we knew where you'd be headed. Cas helped with the rest"

Dean unscrewed a bottle of scotch from the mini bar and poured himself a glass. I don't know why he's bothering with a glass at all; he's just going to finish the whole thing anyway.

"So, what? The dynamic duo are suddenly back together?"

"The family is back together" Dean corrects putting emphasis on the word "family". "And I don't blame you for leaving, but we're in and we're in deep. We're better off together"

I look at the grave faces on plastered on my big brothers. The glass of scotch sits untouched on the table as Dean takes a swig from the bottle. Sam nods in agreement and looks at me.

"What happened?" I ask

Dean and Sam exchange one of those looks. Something big went down. It turns out that I wasn't the only one who had been on an adventure these past couple of days. Sam had a visit from Lucifer. Sam is his vessel.

"And you already know that I'm Michael's" Dean says. Honestly, I didn't know that. They must have said it during one of their arguments; I've learned to tune them out mostly when they argue. I know that I should be surprised and scared, but I'm just not.

"So what does that mean?"

"I don't know" Sam says, "We're both not going to say yes."

"So no fight, no apocalypse?"

Dean finishes off his bottle. The room falls silent.

"I wish an angel wanted to use me in some epic fight. You guys always get all the action" I grin

Sam blinks incredulously and scoffs a little.

"That's it? This doesn't upset you at all?"

"What's getting upset going to do for anyone? We'll get through this all right. We always do. So are you guys going to help me out here or what?"

* * *

I stare at it for minutes, taking it in. The sun is hot but the breeze is cool and saturated with the smell of freshly cut grass. There's a car in the driveway, a white BMW minivan. It's hard to grasp that someone else lives here now. It's as though life went on here without me and erased me from existence. My mother died in the room where these people's children sleep. Her blood soaked through the carpet and stained the floor where they play.

I want so badly just to go inside. I'm not allowed. Sam tells me that we have to play it smart. I hate that I'm not old enough to do any legwork but Sam and Dean have it covered like they always do. They tell me not to visit the house while they find out what they can about my mother's death from the police, but then they give me the address, so how can I help it? As I walk up the same driveway I walked down eleven years ago with my father just hours after my mother's funeral; it's not familiar, not really, it's almost as though I've seen it before in a dream instead of real life.

I'm at the door when my phone rings. I don't want to answer it but I do.

"Hello?"

"Where are you?" Dean asks. His voice is serious but that may be because he's still in FBI mode.

"I-uh… I just went for a walk"

"Well walk back, we need to talk"

* * *

I sit down at the table while my brother's change out of their suits.

"What did you find?"

"In a minute." Sam takes the seat across from mine and clicks on the television.

"_**-brutal machete murder of a young couple in their suburban home, after some investigation, is what the police say a simple case of self defense. Paul Marino, a registered sex offender and his partner Cindy Green were keeping several children captive in their home at the time of the murder, all of whom are now in stable condition at a hospital."**_

Sam clicks if off again.

"Want to tell us what happened in Kansas?"

"What? You think that was me?" I frown

Dean stares at me and crosses his arms "Are you going to try and tell me that it wasn't you?"

I don't answer. I pick at the splinters on the wooden table.

"We limit ourselves to just killing monsters for a reason"

"They sound like monsters to me"

Dean nods "Okay fine, they were and those sons of bitches deserved to get their heads blown off, but you see the difference between killing a creature with a machete and killing a creature with a machete? Or punching some guy to death and exorcising a demon?"

"Nothing" I mutter

"More media coverage" Sam says, "more evidence-"

"So it's not worth the risk? You've both been to prison before and you're fine"

"We got lucky all of those times. We've always had an inside man"

"It's an occupational hazard, right? Plus, I'm not going to get caught."

"No, you're not" Sam says, "Because you're going to keep a low profile. We don't kill humans"

"Yeah, we do. All the time"

"We don't hunt humans" Dean corrects

"Why not? Humans are just as dangerous as anything else out there. Even worse. We can play judge and jury to creatures but not humans?"

"If you're trying to protect yourself, that's fine. But we're not murderers" Dean says firmly

"Says you."

"It's a slippery slope" Sam says, "you start that, taking into your own hands trying to decide who has the right to live and die. It doesn't end well, Evan. Stick with hunting. If you're in danger, protect yourself, but don't go looking for trouble"

"They deserved what they got, hell, the deserved worse, okay? But we're not those guys, Evan." Dean adds, his mouth plastered in a subtle frown, "You're not that guy"

I still don't understand why they're making such a big deal out of this. Evil is evil, so why discriminate? But I don't want to argue with them because I know I'm not going to win this fight. I just nod and tell them what they want to hear. If there's one thing I've learned about my brothers, it's that no matter how hard they try to deny it, they like to be lied to. Dean drops some manila folders on the table and sits in between Sam and me. They look so grim, I'm not sure why they're always so unhappy but I hope they can get back into business mode for my mom's case. Sam looks at Dean ruefully and touches the folders gingerly underneath his fingertips.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asks me

Is he serious? Duh, Sam. I just nod.

"We talked to the police officers who were assigned the case and looked into what they found at the crime scene"

"And?"

"And we didn't find anything that would suggest that your mother was attacked by anything supernatural. None of it adds up, Evan."

"So you know what happened that night?" I lean forward in anticipation.

Sam and Dean look at each other again and then back at me.

"What do you remember?" Dean asks me

"I told you already. I was hiding in the closet and I saw a guy come at her. I remember there was screaming and a lot of blood. She said the name 'Reggie'. That's all I remember. Why?"

"Nothing. That's basically everything that happened" Sam says

They're lying to me. I can't believe that they're trying to snow doze me like one of the other idiots they talk to on cases.

"Let me see the folder"

"There's nothing in here that we didn't already tell you except some possible suspects-"

"If there's nothing in it then why won't you hand it over?"

"It's not important"

"Give it!" I shout and reach for it. Sam puts a strong hand down on them.

"It's not a door you want to open!" Dean yells and I pause.

"Evan, please, you're my brother and I love you. We're going to help you but just… please, okay? Don't open up that door. There's a reason why you don't remember what happened that night." He's begging me now. His eyes are tearing up and everything. I sit back in my seat but my eyes don't break away from Dean's and he stands. He's back at the minibar. Sam is the first to speak again.

"They had a few suspects but the evidence at the scene was contaminated."

"Was one of them Reggie?"

"They questioned someone called Reggie Larson, but he wasn't considered a person of interest. He had a solid alibi corroborated by several others."

"It was him." I growl

"I believe you" Sam says

"So, let's go find him!"

"We will" Dean says

"Yeah. But it's been eleven years. We don't even know if he goes by that name anymore so we're going to have to do some digging"

"So all that stuff you guys just told me about not killing people, that doesn't apply to this situation, right?"

"Not this time" Dean says

"I think we're all in agreement on that one" Sam says

I look down at the folders under Sam's palm.

"You can't shelter me forever, you know. I'm going to find out what happened. One day I'll remember everything."

Dean pours himself another glass of liquor from the minibar and takes a big gulp while Sam slumps back in his seat. Neither of them says a word. Sam joins Dean for a drink. They pour me a drink too and we clink our glasses together before downing them. This is how it should be, all of us against the world; finally they're beginning to see it my way.

* * *

I can't sleep because I keep thinking of my mother's case. Dean gets off of the couch and pours himself something from the minibar. I join him and he pours some for me too.

"Can't sleep?"

I shake my head no. "I can't believe that after all these years, I'm going to finally get to the bottom of this. I just want to get my hands on that guy. I'll rip his eyeballs out with my fingers. Drown him in his own blood."

Dean swishes the liquid in his glass and takes a sip. I reach over to the bottle and refill my glass.

"No, you know what I'm gonna do?" I smile, "I'm going to slit open his stomach and use his intestines as a-"

"Whoa, okay. I get the picture" Dean raises a hand at me. He looks annoyed but he looks like that most of the time anyway so I don't let it kill my buzz.

"Too graphic?"

"Yeah. A little… Actually, Sam and I have been talking-"

"It really is the apocalypse." I laugh.

"And…" He sighs heavily

"What? Spit it out, Dean"

"And I was thinking that maybe you can take a backseat on this for a while until we figure it out."

"No way. Why?"

"It's just… this is real, real personal. I don't want that getting in the way of the case"

"You mean like the thing that killed your mom was personal? I don't remember you taking a backseat on yellow eyes"

"And you see how that turned out. I don't have to remind you how Dad died…"

"Yeah. Because he was hunting a demon, Dean, we're just after a man. The only thing he's going to do in retaliation is scream a lot." I feel the booze warming me from the inside out "scream and… beg… and suffer"

Dean takes out his gun and places it on the table. "One shot, Evan. That's all you need"

"Not good enough"

"It's plenty. One shot. After we find out the details. Okay?"

I'm getting sleepy now. My lids are heavy but I finish my drink. I feel numb.

"Do you think Dad would be proud of us if he saw us now?" I murmur

Dean huffs as he moves on to the booze in his flask, "honestly? I doubt it."

"Yeah. You're right… What about you, Dean? Are-are you p-proud of me?"

I close my eyes and I feel his hand run over my hair.

"Of course I am little guy. You scare the crap out of me some times, but…"

I don't hear the rest before I pass out.


	23. My Memories Are Nightmares

My head is pounding when I wake up. I don't remember the last time Sam or Dean had a hangover from a night of drinking so I need to toughen up. Sam is amused by my groggy nausea and it makes me feel a little better since it's the first time I've seen a genuine smile on him for a long time. I expected Dean to get in on Sam's teasing but all he gives are a few distracted smiles and one half-hearted joke about scraping me off the table last night. He's all business today but at least he's working on my mom's case. They get dressed in their suits and badges and head out. When their gone, I toss the rest of the eggs Sam made for me into the garbage and slip on some sneakers. I'm going to do some investigating on my own today.

The sun is beaming straight through my eyes and piercing my brain like a blade but I ignore it. I steal a bike leaning on the side of a house and peddle back to my childhood. Mom's house.

* * *

The minivan is gone when I get there. A black Porsche is in the driveway in its place. I drop the bike on the sidewalk and walk across the freshly manicured lawn where my mother probably read to me in the springtime on a blanket with lemonade and firecracker Popsicle sticks like I've seen in the commercials. A man opens the door as I step reach the first step. He's wearing a suit and shiny black shoes like my brothers but his hair is too greasy and nice to be anything intimidating.

"Can I help you?" He asks. He has a briefcase in one hand and car keys in the other.

"Hi, does Charlie live here?"

"No, sorry. You've got the wrong house. I don't know any Charlies that live on the whole street as a matter of fact"

"Oh. Sorry to bother you" I smile and backtrack quickly to the bike and peddle off.

* * *

I wait at the end of the street for him to drive away and when he does I hightail it back. They left a spare key under the welcome mat by the backdoor. Don't they realize how dangerous that is? I open the door and put the key back where I found it before I step inside.

I've heard people say that you never forget your first home, before. In a weird way, it's true. I stepped through the backdoor and into the kitchen like I was taking my first steps into a dream. No, more like a nightmare. Those weird eerie nightmares when you recognize everything around you even though you've never seen it before and your brain is all fuzzy like you're really drunk, and you can't run because you're suddenly too slow and tired to go as fast as you need. Those nightmares when you feel like everything is wrong long before it all takes a turn for the worst.

I don't remember this kitchen but I do. Everything is different but I can't say how, maybe because everything is so new and expensive. I don't remember much of my home when I was a baby but I remember that we didn't have fancy things like marble countertops and chrome appliances. Even the smell is wrong. I feel sick so I move as fast as my slow legs can take me, out of the kitchen, past a dining room that I've never seen, and into a hall with a staircase.

Like a flash I remember walking down these steps hand in hand. Thump, thump, thump, down each step because I'm so small and the steps are so high. I am a small child and I have to hurry because Mama will be late.

I can see her now. I can see her thick black hair is pulled back into a ponytail; she's wearing red lipstick and a black shirt. I can see her eyes and they're blue like mine. She reaches for my hand and her nails are painted red like her lips.

"Come on" She says

I blink hard and rub my eyes. The image of her is gone. I walk up the stairs. They're much smaller now and I don't have to hop around now that I've grown up. I could run down the stairs if I needed to. I wouldn't make her late now.

There's an open door to the left when I reach the top of the staircase. It's very large; it must be the master bedroom.

Mama hurries out of her room. Her black high-heeled boots click loudly on the floor.

I take a step inside the bedroom. The clean beige carpet is soft and thick. I kneel down and knock on the floor but it doesn't make a sound. I look further in but I don't take another step into the room. The bed is made up with a comforter and cushions like in the magazines. A shiver runs through me from the base of my spine. I turn and leave the doorway.

There are four other rooms on the other side of the hallway. I don't remember this hallway being this large and everything is foreign to me but I know instantly which room is mine. I walk to a white wooden door with a sign on it that says "Freddy's room" written in purple crayon with one backwards "d". There's a picture of a stick figure man on it with uneven spiked hair protruding from its head. I push the door open.

My mom is on the floor bleeding from her stomach. She's wearing a nightgown and it's torn at the bottom. She stares at me with dead eyes as I watch her from the doorway.

There's a stream of blood stained on the side of her mouth. She opens it and says

"Run"

I look over at the closet and see two eyes peering back at me.

Mom says, "Run"

I run. I run so fast that I lose my footing and trip down the polished steps and land with a crash on the floor. There's a shooting pain in my shoulder and then it's numb. I can't feel my right arm. I push myself up with my left hand and run out of the house. I run all the way back to the motel but I left the room key inside. I fall to my knees outside of the door and cry.


	24. I Want More

"On three" Sam says as he positions himself behind me. I feel a sharp jolt as he slams my arm back into its socket before he even says "one". I hate it when he does that. I try not to cradle my throbbing arm as I sit down across from my brothers at the table.

"So… you fell, huh?"

"Yeah" I nod and touch my shoulder gingerly under my fingertips

"Where?" Dean asks but I can tell he knows

"Down some stairs"

"Some stairs…"

"Some stairs at a house… My house. I had to go in guys, I had to see it"

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Sam asks me but his expression has softened like he's curious about what I saw in the house.

"I don't know. It was weird. Everything was different than I remember except I don't remember anything really. I kept seeing her everywhere. Then when I found my bedroom, she was on the floor dead. I ran away. But nothing was out of place when I left. I was careful."

"Did anyone see you?" Dean asks

"No." I say even though I'm not that sure. "Did you find anything today?"

"Yeah" Sam says, "get this, your mother was a bartender at a bar called the Mad Town Saloon not too far from here."

"My mom was a bartender?"

"We talked to an old co-worker of hers, Emily Turner, she says she was a close friend of your mom's…" Dean pauses

"I don't remember her"

"Well she says that Reggie was more than just a little sweet on your mom. Margaret had apparently thought it was a harmless crush. Nobody else liked it. Emily thinks he was involved too."

"But why would he kill her if he liked…"

Mom's torn nightgown. Screaming. Screaming. My head is spinning. Blood. Blood. Blood. Mom. I stumble out of my seat. My brothers are talking to me. I can't hear them. Screaming. Screaming. "Reggie?". I vomit and crumple to my knees. Dean catches me and pulls me to him. I can't feel my legs and I can't breathe.

* * *

Margaret Ann Kingsley was sexually assaulted at knifepoint on a cool June night in 1999. During the attack, she identified her assailant. Her attacker then stabbed her eight times in the abdomen and fled the scene. Her four-year-old child witnessed the incident from the bedroom closet and contacted the police. Margaret Kingsley was pronounced dead at the scene and the child was placed in protective custody until his surviving parent arrived to claim him. No arrests were made.

* * *

"You think that's probably why he's so prone to killing those freaking perverts?" I hear as I get dressed in the bathroom. My brothers are back again after looking into more information on Reggie Larson's whereabouts. I feel calm and relaxed. My mind is as serene as it's ever been. Beautiful Dreamer chimes in my head, I didn't even know that I knew this song. Maybe Mom had a music box that played this song. I feel fine. I walk out of the bathroom and see my two brothers. They've changed into their regular clothes now. Dean asks me a question but I don't hear the words, but I do notice that his voice is getting deeper and deeper every year, like a second puberty. I wonder how he'll sound when he's old. Sam's hair has grown some more. I wonder if he's going to cut it or grow it into a ponytail. I'm almost as tall as Dean is now. What if I'm as tall as Sam one day? That would be something. Dean snaps in front of my face.

"You okay?" He asks. He looks worried

"What did you find?" My voice is easy and steady.

Sam cocks an eyebrow "Uh. Um, Reggie Larson moved. He's living in Cape Girardeau, it's a few hours from here"

Dean makes a face.

"That's where your girlfriend lives. Cassie?" I ask

He looks surprised that I remember her name. My memory is good today.

"She's not my girlfriend but yeah she lives there"

"Are you going to stop by and say hi?"

"No"

"Okay." I shrug, "let's get this show on the road fellas"

"Okay, but how are you?" Dean asks

"I'm fine. I feel pretty good actually"

"What?" Dean frowns

"What's wrong?"

"Evan, you are not fine. It's okay. I wouldn't be fine either if I just found out what you did"

"No. I'm good" I shrug again

Sam and Dean both squint at each other and then back at me. Sam runs a hand through my hair and rests it on my neck.

"Evan, it's okay to be upset. Nobody expects you to keep moving immediately. Get mad if you need to. Cry, scream, throw a punch. Let it out."

"Are you done yet?" I smile. These two spend so much time worrying, how did they ever make it so far?

Sam removes his hand tentatively and I shake my head.

"Come on, guys. We still have a job to do" I say and hike my bag over my sore shoulder. I'm ready.

* * *

We check into a motel since Sam and Dean want to go at night. There are still some hours of daylight outside so I take a walk to the park while they're still in the lobby. My cellphone is on so when they start panicking, I'll be around. I sit at a park bench across the street. There's an old woman sitting next to me and I give her a smile but she pretends not to see me. She checks her watch as a small girl runs over to us. She has small spiral curls in her hair and a pink plush elephant in her hand.

"Grandma, did you see me on the swing?" She pants

"Come Penny, it's late" The old woman and takes the little girl's hand. She leads her away from the park. I wonder if she's going home to see her mother and father now. Maybe…

"Daddy! Daddy!" A young boy cries out. He has dirt on the knees of his overalls and tears in his eyes. A man walks over to him and scoops him up.

"What happened champ?"

"I fell Daddy." The boy wails

"You fell? How about we get you some ice cream? Would you like that? Don't tell Mommy, okay?" The man coos as he carries his son away from the park. My phone rings. I stroll back to the motel to meet up with my anxious brothers.

* * *

I feel so relaxed as we begin our stakeout that I'm getting sleepy so I rest my eyes in the backseat. Sam and Dean keep one eye on the house and the other on me. All I know is that the house is tan. I don't see anything else. Nothing else matters.

"Is that him?" Dean asks

"Yeah. I think so. That's Reggie Larson."

"Great" Dean grumbles

I lean forward to see what they're talking about and I see him. The man from the park with the whiny child in his arms. They're sharing an ice cream cone. The music is starting to play again. I like it. My mother probably had a music box with this song. Beautiful Dreamer. What a peaceful song.

Sam and Dean are talking. They're both so troubled. Always troubled. Night falls like a blanket over the sky. The stars are out tonight. I can see it through my window. My brothers are tired from working so hard for me these past few days. I slide out of the backseat and start for the house. I put the ski mask over my face on my way. My brothers are more awake than I thought. They're right on my tail.

Dean says that we should get him when he's alone.

I drift into the house before he can pull me back. I don't know how I got inside. It's as though I just melted through the wall, except that the door is wide open behind me now. Dean said one shot is all I need. Dean is wrong. It's too late to turn back now and my brothers both know it. They put their masks on.

I float into a bedroom and over to the bed. Reggie's hair is in my hand and a woman next to him is screaming. Dean runs into the bedroom and shouts as well. Everyone is yelling and yelling. I yank Reggie out of bed and he's already begging for his life. I press the gun against his temple and tell him to cooperate. He wets himself as I lead him out of the house. I keep him in the backseat with me when we drive away.

Dean and Sam find an empty warehouse. They have an eye for finding things like this. Dean isn't happy about the piss smell in his car. Reggie is still crying and pleading for his family. I drag him out of the car and on to the damp concrete ground.

"Please, oh God please, I'll do whatever you want!" He chokes and screams. Sam and Dean are both standing close behind me. I like to hear this man beg me. It goes in rhythm with the music playing. Beautiful Dreamer. Maybe my mom had a music box. I'm feeling good.

"Are you Ryan Carson?" I bark

"Ryan Carson?" He sputters, "N-no! I'm R-R-Reggie L-Larson! You've got the wrong guy!"

"Oh right, Reggie Carson, that's what I meant" I smile

"N-no! My n-name is Larson! Reggie Larson!" He's drooling now. I put the gun against his forehead.

"Right. That's what I meant" I say in a low voice. This is more fun than I thought it would be.

"Alright, do it" Dean growls at me

"What? No! Please don't!" He snorts, "I'll do anything! I haven't seen your faces! I d-don't even know who you are! Please fellas! It'll be like nothing happened!"

I rip the mask off of my face and his crying slows.

"Oh God, come on, you're just a kid. Kid, you don't want to do this!" He looks over at Sam and Dean, "Please guys, you don't want your kid to get into this. Please! You're probably r-reasonable guys!"

"Shut up" I hiss and press the gun against his forehead

"Just do it already!" Dean yells. Sam puts a hand on his arm to stop him.

I lean closer to my mother's killer, "Margaret Kingsley" I say

"What?" He sobs

"Margaret. Kingsley. You killed her right in front of me? I was a lot shorter back then, maybe you don't recognize me"

He starts shaking harder. I didn't think he had any piss left inside of him but I was wrong.

"P-p-p-please. I-I-I was j-just a kid. I almost k-killed myself for that. I'm s-so sorry. I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! I was high! I panicked! Please don't kill me. Please, I have a family. I've never hurt anyone again. I have a little boy. Please!"

"Don't worry. I'm going to take care of them. Nice and slow" I grin. I move my gun away from his head and shoot him. He's screaming louder than I ever thought possible now. It's almost louder than my music. He holds the bloody mound where his balls used to be and topples over.

"Okay" Sam says, "Finish him"

"Nope. Dean said one shot." I say

"One more. Finish him" Dean says

I kick the man in his wound. Suddenly I can't stop stomping him. There's blood all over my pants and shoes. I fall to my knees and start stabbing him. Hot blood splashes all over me. Sam puts an arm around my chest and under one of my legs and lifts me off of him. Dean shoots the guy in the head and runs to the trunk. Sam pulls me with him into the backseat as Dean covers the dead body head to toe with bleach. He runs back to the car and we drive off. Reggie is dead. My mother's murderer is dead and I don't feel anything. It was so easy and fast. The music is gone now and so is my smile. I feel nothing. No retribution, no satisfaction, nothing. It's not good enough. He's dead and it's not good enough. Killing him once wasn't enough. I want to do it again. I want him to bleed on me again. I need to do it slower next time. I will. Somehow, I will.


	25. It's Not Enough For Me

They don't speak to me for a full day. Dean washes the Impala for hours, preening it like a cat grooming itself. Sam scours the radio and news for any word about us. Somehow, we've lucked out again. I'm starting to think the police in Missouri are just extremely inept. That's lucky for us this time. I think they're just worried that someone will ID them again. We'll be okay though; we're always okay in the end.

In the morning Dean tells me to get up because we're headed for Nebraska.

"What for?"

"Case" He says and gives me a lingering side-glance as he packs up his bag.

"Demon?"

He doesn't answer. He hauls his bags up and walks out of the room. Sam's still putting on his boots so I hurry and do the same.

"What's going on in Nebraska?" I ask him

Sam stands and holsters a gun to his belt "like he said. Case" He says and follows Dean. Yeah, because that just answers all of my questions… I roll my eyes and load myself into the backseat of the Impala.

It's a quiet ride but it's not because my brothers are angry at each other for a change. It's nice. I sleep most of the way there.

"Any idea of what we're after?" I ask after a few minutes after we check in.

"We" Dean says putting heavy emphasis on the word and gesturing between him and Sam "are going to find out"

"What about me?" I frown

"What about you?"

"What am I going to do?"

"That's up to you" Sam says, "You can read, you can do whatever, as long as you stay here"

"I can't help?"

"No, you can't" Dean says sharply

"Are you guys upset about something?" I don't understand the sudden coldness towards me. I haven't done anything wrong.

"Are you serious? After that stunt you pulled over in Missouri?"

"You mean when I avenged my mother's death? Is that why you're angry? I'm sorry guys, but I'm having trouble figuring out what I did wrong"

Dean puts his gun down and walks around the table towards me.

"Let's see" He says and lifts up his hands.

"You run to the house without so much as a warning so we have to race just to keep up with you and provide you with cover" He says and starts counting off on his fingers, "You completely blasted the front door open so the entire neighborhood could hear us go in, then, you barge into the first room you see and grab someone from under the covers, luckily it wasn't the kid's room. Then at the warehouse, it wasn't enough that you had this guy begging for his life, but you torture him"

"What was I supposed to do? Let him go?" I roll my eyes

"You know I think that's the worst part" Dean shakes his head slow, "you still don't get it."

"Sam, please" I say looking desperately over to my brother for support "tell him"

He just squints a little and furrows his brow "Evan, do you feel anything about what happened back there?"

"Yeah. I'm a little confused about why you're both so mad at me"

"No, that's not what I mean. Does anything that happened that night bother you? Make you feel bad, angry, or even relieved?"

"He killed my mother. Why would I feel bad?"

"Because you whether or not you think he deserved it, it's normal to feel anything ranging from guilt to remorse for something like that. Even if it's for his family."

"Why should I feel guilty about them? I didn't do anything to them!" I shout.

"Yes you did, and we understand why you killed Reggie, but you don't feel anything at all?"

"Why should I feel bad about killing a murderer? Why should I be sad about his family? I didn't shoot his wife even though she was freaking out! I left her alone, didn't I? I didn't touch the kid!"

"Forget the family, forget the family!" Dean shouts over me. I stop talking and he continues, "When was the last time you felt bad about _anything_ you've done?"

I feel so flustered that I can't even think straight. I don't know why they're ganging up on me like this but I try to think anyway. I think back as far as I can but I can't think of anything that I've done that I should feel bad about. I didn't do anything wrong, so I tell him that.

"You're saying that you've never have done anything wrong in your life ever?" Dean's eyes are two judgmental slits.

"I don't know. I only do what you guys tell me to do!"

"We told you to carve open some guy's chest because you're mad at him? Is that really what you heard when we started in on your mother's case? Does that sound like something either of us would say?"

"You said-"

"I said 'one shot'"

"I did take one"

"You shot off his balls" Sam interjects

"I shot him once!"

"Stop it" Dean snarls, "You know what I meant. We said we would help you, that's what we signed on for. What we didn't expect was to stand there and watch you torture a man to death like it was nothing. "

"What do you think you're doing when you torture demons? There are humans in there too but that doesn't stop you two from slicing them up."

"Most of the time those people are long gone by the time we even get there" Sam says, "we save as many people as we possibly can"

Dean shakes his head at me "Evan, you're fifteen years old, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing" My voice comes out as a whisper. I clench my fists and speak up "I'm the same as you guys."

"Sam and I are a lot of things, but we're not cold. While we're gone, I want you to think, really think about what happened the other night. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes for a change-"

"Why? So I can feel bad? Why do you want me to feel bad?"

"Because you're supposed to feel bad sometimes, Evan." Sam says

"But why?"

"Because it's that's what separates us from them" Dean says firmly. "You're not a killer. That's what makes us different than everything out there that we hunt. Our job is to save people. Not kill them. Think about that while you're on the bench sitting this one out."

They get dressed in their suits and start out while I glare at them from my chair.

"Don't move 'til we get back" Dean says and leaves

"I can't even leave the house? Are you serious?"

Sam straightens his tie and nods, "Yeah. You're grounded. Call us if you need anything" He says and closes the door behind him.

* * *

I am fifteen years old and I'm grounded for the first time. I pass the time by cleaning the guns and sharpening knives. If this is all there is to being grounded, I'm not too put out. Sure I can't help Sam and Dean with the case but I'm not old enough to pretend to be FBI anyway. The real only thing that changed between before today and right now is that now they're saying I'm grounded instead of saying I'm too young. That and I'm not allowed to leave. When they get back they're in lighter spirits. Dean says that urban legends are coming to life and he cooks a ham right in front of me with a joy buzzer.

"Can I try?" I ask enthusiastically

"No. You're grounded" Dean barks but I can tell that he's not angry with me anymore.

"So, what? Are we looking at cursed objects here?" Sam asks as Dean carves off a piece of ham and tosses it to me.

"Maybe it's a witch." I say with my mouth full

"You know what I'm thinking, maybe it's a witch" Dean repeats thoughtfully

"I literally just said that"

"Yeah Dean, I think you may be right. Good call" Sam nods

"Is there any link between the joy buzzer and the itching powder?" Dean says and takes a bite of ham

"Same joke shop, maybe?" I ask

"One was made in China, the other Mexico, but hey you know what?" Sam snaps, "They were both bought from the same store"

"Good observation, Sammy" Dean says, "Great work. We should check it out"

"You guys are dicks." I grumble and they head out again.

* * *

After two long boring days of investigation, my brothers managed to find out that the creature causing all of the mayhem is a little half kid named Jesse. Everything he believes in comes to life. It's pretty awesome but he's hurting people so we have to find a way to stop him. I don't give my brothers any suggestions on how to handle the situation though, since they always get so bent out of shape whenever I mention killing something. When Castiel shows up he says it anyway.

"Kill him."

I don't know why I expected them to just go with it because Castiel says it, but I'm wrong. Even when he tells us what the kid is capable of and that he's the antichrist, all they could say is that they're the good guys who don't kill children.

"Wait, I don't get it" I interrupt, "if this thing is so powerful and important, why did yellow eyes have to pick on Sam and try to make him lead a demon army? Why didn't he just knock someone up and call it a day?"

"These things are very unstable and dangerous. One mistake could wipe out all existence."

"But how? Demons aren't that powerful and this thing is only half of one. I could almost understand if it was like half demon, half angel or something but-"

"We're wasting time" Cas snaps, "We have to act quickly before we lose it again or worse, the demons get it"

"And all of these years you guys didn't think that maybe finding this kid was a top priority? I mean, he's basically God, right? Shouldn't that have been number one on your list of things to do?"

"He was lost. Protected from angels and demons. That's why we have to act fast" Castiel glares at me for a moment and then turns back to my brothers

"Okay. Hey, look, we are not going to kill him. All right? But we can't leave Jesse here either. We know that. So...we take him to Bobby's. He'll know what to do." Dean says

Castiel takes a step forward "You'll kidnap him? What is going on in this town, it's what happens when this thing is happy. You cannot imagine what it will do if it's angry. Besides, how will you hold him? With a thought, he could be halfway around the world."

"So we—"

"So we tell him the truth." Sam interrupts, "You say Jesse's destined to go dark side, fine. But he hasn't yet. So if we lay it all out for him…what he is, the apocalypse, everything, he might make the right choice."

Castiel gives him a hard look "You didn't... And I can't take that chance" He vanishes.

"Why do you guys like him again?" I huff

Dean rolls his eyes at me and grabs his keys "We have to stop him"

When they get back a few hours later, I half expected the kid to be with them but he wasn't. Sam and Dean told me that a demon showed up before them and told him the truth about who he was, and that he ended up saving himself. They wanted to bring him with us, but he ran away to protect his parents.

"But if he can do anything, I mean he can make toys come back to life, why can't he protect his parents? Can't he just will them not to be hurt and then… that's it?"

"I don't think he was willing to risk it"

So there's some kid around who can literally do whatever he wants whenever he wants to do it but I guess we're just going to forget about it now and act like it never happened. I hope they decide to ground me every time they have such a stupid pointless case like this one.

* * *

We do a lot of traveling in the next few weeks moving around from case to case. I don't involve myself with it too much even though I finally got a few new ID's. Some say that I'm eighteen, and one other says that I'm 21, which is a stretch but I'm pretty tall so I think I could pass if I needed to. They were right, my mom's case was starting to get to me, but not for the reasons they wanted it to.

I just hate the fact that it's over now and it's like nothing happened at all. Nothing changed. My mom is still dead and I still don't know anything about her, except that she was a bartender. I can remember her image more clearly since Reggie, but I still don't know every detail of her face. It's as though killing him unlocked a small box of hidden memories inside of my mind. He was the key… except there are more boxes, more memories that are still locked that can't be reopened now because he's dead. I can't believe he died so fast and easy. It bothers me when I try to sleep. I still see her body on the ground when I close my eyes. It's as though that picture of her has been tattooed to my brain and I can't get it out. I try to think of other things but it always comes back to haunt me and torment me until I get so mad that I could scream.

All the while my brothers hunt these witches and demons like nothing ever happened. I can't tell them that it's not over for me. They can't handle hearing stuff like that from me because what happened that night upset them so much. They'd rather pretend it never happened at all. Dean even had Cas do him a favor and erase any evidence from the scene of the crime. I wonder all the time if Dean thinks about his mom burning to death as much as I think of my mom. We were both the same age when our mom's died. That should bond us together better… except it doesn't, because for Dean, the revenge part of it is over. Now he just wants to save the world. Yellow eyes killed his mom and Dad and now Yellow eyes is dead. End of story.

I envy his resolve because for me, I feel like Reggie Larson is just the beginning.


	26. I Love Her

When we meet up with the Trickster again, it's engaging enough to distract me from my thoughts. He warps our reality into a series of TV shows starring Sam and Dean. I of course, play a minor role in each scene since the angels never seem to consider me important enough to include in their games. It's more than a little insulting, although Sam and Dean say that I should be glad… I'm not. On each title screen, I'm credited as a guest star. I think the bastard just did that to get on my nerves. While Sam gets to play surgeon on Dean, I'm a nurse who hands him tools. When they star in the game show, I'm not even on stage giving prizes. The douche bag sticks me in the audience. The commercial wasn't so bad. I got to play Frisbee while Sam had to say that he had genital herpes to the camera. Dean and I both got a kick out of that one. After that, things get pretty old. Turns out the trickster isn't even a trickster at all. He's an angel and this whole trap he set up was just so get Sam and Dean to say yes to being vessels for Michael and Lucifer. He obviously didn't think his plan through because this was never going to work. Besides the fact that this was a major time waster, all he managed to do was mildly annoy us. He did manage to answer some of the questions floating around in my mind, however. Like why did it have to be my brothers of all of the people in the world to be chosen to fight in the apocalypse?

"You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other."

"Where do I fit in?"

"Same place as me and everyone else. On the sidelines" He says in a mixture of sympathy and self-pity. It's gross.

I personally would have left him in the ring of holy fire forever, but I'm starting to think that I'm not as nice as my older brothers. Dean turns on the sprinklers and we leave.

The second time I meet Becky Rosen; she tricks us into going to a Supernatural convention. People walk around dressed up like villains or Sam or Dean. I even saw a good amount of Evans walking around. Sam and Dean are furious but I find it exciting. A cute blonde girl dressed up like a ghost walked up to me and recognized me immediately.

"Wow, Evan looking great. You got the hair absolutely perfect" She smiles at me. Sam purses his lips at me and he and Dean leave me with her.

"Thanks. I put a lot of thought into it" I grin

"Do you want to know a secret?" She says softly

"What?"

"Evan is my favorite"

"Really?"

She nods, "I know he's just the little brother and everything but there's something so nice about how dark and vulnerable he is"

"Dark and vulnerable?"

"He's so sweet. The way he cried when Dean told him that he sold his soul! I was emotional. You're the first guy I've seen around here dressed like him. I guess nobody here is secure enough to choose to be the baby. Except for you, anyway." She shrugs and winks at me

"The baby?" I frown

"Aw, don't pout, I think you're-… wait, how old are you really?"

"Eighteen"

"I think you're adorable. I hope they start making the books again, I'd love to see Evan sprout into something that looks like you" She finishes with a giggle

"Oh yeah?" I grin, "How do you think he would've turned out?"

"After watching both of his brothers die like that right in front of him? I think he'd just break. But you're Evan, why don't you tell me what happened after the last book?"

She grins flirtatiously at me and I look down at her. She's so much smaller than me even though she looks around nineteen years old. I wonder how she'd react to me telling her that I kill bad people with a machete. That I slice off their limbs and watch them writhe in pools of their own blood until they take their last shallow breath… and that I love it…

"I grew up" I smirk at her

"Show me, sometime" She winks

"I'll show you now" I say and take her hand. I hope all of the women here are this forward. This may be a good time after all.

Unfortunately other than the ghost girl (who's real name was Stacy), everyone was pretty much only in love with Sam or Dean, or they had become very involved in the role-play game the convention put on. I find my brothers drinking at the bar and join them.

"Where have you been?" Sam asks

"I had to take care of a ghost. There are a lot of girls here"

Dean seems to have noticed that already because he's hitting on a woman next to him.

"I think Becky is interested" I say and nudge Sam. He gives me a troubled look and shakes his head.

"What?" I ask as some guy walks by behind us talking about a real ghost, not a game. I guess it's lucky that we came after all.

* * *

When it's over, Becky tells us where we can find the colt so that we can kill Lucifer. If we kill him, my brothers will be saved, the apocalypse will be averted, and everything can go back to normal. Sort of…

All we have to do is find a demon named Crowley and kill him for it. The best news of all is that we get to team up with Ellen and Jo again. I like seeing them, especially Ellen. Sam and Dean are always so tight lipped around them and I can't understand it. Ellen is one of the smartest people I know and she never judges me or calls me crazy. I can trust her. We wait together at Bobby's house while Castiel tracks down the demon.

"How've you been?" Ellen asks as she sits down next to me with her beer

"Okay, I guess."

"You sound like you've got a lot on your mind" She frowns, "Wanna talk about it?"

I laugh a little at her sincerity. In my family, "do you want to talk about it?" is almost always a loaded question. You learn to just say no.

"Yeah, I don't mind talking about it, if you don't mind that I pour myself a drink first"

"Evan, you do not need to start that drinking stuff at your age, trust me"

"My brothers let me" I shrug as I pour myself a glass of scotch

"And I've been meaning to talk to them about it. You're fifteen, you don't-"

"Ellen" I laugh, "I'm fine. I swear. Stop worrying so much"

She gives me a hard eye but she doesn't say anything. I guess it's because she figures that if we do get the colt and go after the devil, we're all dead anyway. I'm a bit more optimistic. I won't die. I take a sip and get comfortable on the couch again.

"I found him. The guy who killed my mom. Sam, Dean, and I. We found him"

"Oh my God. What happened?"

"I killed him. Well, I started him. Dean finished him off"

"What was it?"

"What was it?" I frown, "It was a guy. A human. Just some dude who was hard up on my mom and couldn't take get lost for an answer… So I gutted him alive"

"What?" She gasps, face ashen

"I took my knife and I jabbed it into his stomach over and over again until it was ground meat."

She closes her eyes.

"I kept hearing this music playing. I think my mom had a music box that played beautiful dreamer, that's all I kept thinking of. I wish I knew her better"

"Evan-"

"I know. I've heard it all from my brothers so you don't have to yell at me. For some reason killing him like that was wrong. Even though he killed my mother"

She's looking at me so sadly now. I finish what's in my glass.

"Just tell me why" I grumble, "Why is it so bad that I killed the thing that killed my mom? What's so awful about me doing everything I can to get peace of mind?"

"And?" She asks me, her eyes deadlocked on my face, "Do you have it?"

I trace my fingers along the rim of my glass, "It was over so fast. I'm still so angry but it's over for him. It's over for everyone… but me"

"Be careful of that anger, Evan. It's ugly and it's raging. It'll eat you up from the inside out. When my husband died, I had nothing but anger… I was angry at the monster, at the world, at your dad. One thing kept me going."

"What was that?"

"My baby girl. I looked at her and I knew that I'd survive; somehow, I'd survive. She's all I had but it was all I needed to push on. She kept me grounded. That's what you need, son. Focus on something else beside the anger. It will still hurt like hell and the emptiness… it'll always be there, but if you have something to hold on to, it'll be a little less. You'll learn to move on. Love is stronger than any hate, son. You remember that"

I smile a little, "wow. You're still just as cheesy as I remember"

She gave the back of my head a little swat "smart ass"

I laugh and she pulls me close. She kisses the top of my head.

"God, I love you though"

I sit up and smile at her. "I love you too, Ellen". I realize then that I do. She's the closest thing I've had to a mother since my mom died and I love her very much. For a while, I forget all about Reggie and my mom. For a while, I'm not angry anymore.


	27. I Feel Fine

Jo looks good in a dress. I didn't think I'd ever see her in one because it's not really her style, but she cleans up nice. She struts around the house fixing her hair and makeup. She walks hard and swishes her hips around, partly because she's wearing heels and partly because she's hoping that Dean will watch her. It's so subtle and yet so glaringly obvious that she's trying to get him to look at her. He does, but just for a glance, and only when she's not looking. No, I don't think he's ever banged her and I don't think he ever will. Jo isn't his type. She's too sweet and she likes him too much. Dean wouldn't know what to do with a girl who would care as much as Jo does.

"Ready?" He asks her when she stops strutting

"Yeah" She says and tilts her chin up to show that she means business.

Jo plays up two demons at the gate and Sam swoops in for the kill. He takes both out with Ruby's knife and Dean hands Jo a bag with wire cutters. In retrospect, she didn't really need to get all dolled up for this, but I think that baiting those demons isn't the only reason Jo picked out this outfit to go with. Someone should tell her that Dean is more of a blue jeans and ponytail kind of guy.

* * *

Crowley is not what I expected. With a name like Crowley, I was thinking someone tall and muscular, and maybe kind of scary looking. This guy was short and wearing a suit and British. The first thing he did was complain about how we messed up his rug with a devil's trap. Demons appear behind Sam, Dean, and me and hold us.

"This is it right?" Crowley says and waves the colt in the air "this is what it's all about?"

He points it towards us and fires three times, killing the demons around us. He says something but I can't hear him above the high pitch ringing in my ears from the blasts.

"Jeez! You couldn't have just asked them to leave?" I wince and try to clear up my ear with my fingers.

"I like to make an impression" I can hear him say vaguely as my hearing begins to restore. We follow him into another room and Dean gets uneasy.

"What the hell is this?" He demands

"Do you know how deep I could have buried this thing? There's no reason you or anyone should know this even exists, except that I told you"

"You told us?" Sam glares

"Rumors, innuendo, sent out on the grapevine"

"Why? Why tell us anything?"

"I want you to take this thing to Lucifer and empty it into his face…"

* * *

It was all so simple. Crowley just handed the damn thing right over to us and let us go. Aside from the mild tinnitus that has almost completely subsided from my ear, we all left Crowley's mansion in one piece. Now all we have to do is ice the devil and the apocalypse will be over before it begins. I'm excited to get it over with although back at Bobby's house, everyone else is a little more dismal. I sit down at a table with Ellen, Jo, and Cas, and even though Ellen hesitates for a half a second, she pours shots for all of us.

"What the hell" She shrugs as she fills up my glass. Jo drinks a beer and I take one shot while Ellen takes down five.

"All right, big boy" She says to Cas who has five shots lined up in front of him too. He takes them all one after the other in a matter of seconds.

"I think I'm starting to feel something." He says

Jo laughs and gets up for another beer.

"Get me one?" I ask her. She ruffles my hair and starts for the fridge.

"So angels can get drunk too? I gotta see this" I say and pour five more rounds for him, which he finishes instantly with the same deadpan emotionless face. This is fun. Over my shoulder I see Dean and Jo talking by the fridge. If there was ever a time these two could pull something off, this is it. Jo leans up to him for a kiss but then she laughs and walks back over to us, leaving Dean alone with his beer in the kitchen.

"What was that all about?" I ask her as she places my beer down on the table

"Nothing. Just Dean being Dean" She smirks.

"Whatever" I sigh and take a sip. Like I said, she's not as smart as we give her credit for. Bobby calls us over because he wants to take a picture. He says he wants something to remember us by.

"Nothing's going to happen to us" I say as I position myself in front of Ellen and Dean.

Cas says that Bobby's right, and it's our last night on Earth; just as the camera snaps. Everyone is frowning except me, but at least I'm not smiling either or I'd look like an idiot.

"I wouldn't want to put this on my mantle if I were you" I tell Bobby

"You all better be careful out there," He warns, "especially you. Listen to your brothers and don't do anything reckless"

"I'm always careful"

"I mean it. If there's any chance that you can make it back alive-"

"We're all coming back alive. Stop worrying so much. Nothing's going to go wrong."

* * *

Everything starts going wrong after Cas disappears and Meg shows up. I've only seen Meg in ghost form before, and she was blonde so I don't recognize her until Sam says her name out loud.

"Shouldn't have come here, boys." She says

"Hell, I could say the same thing for you" Dean says and aims the colt at her

"Didn't come here alone, Deano"

I hear something splash in a puddle near her feet. It's growling. Hellhounds. I move an inch closer to Dean.

"Yeah, Dean. Your favorite. Come on, boys. My father wants to see you"

"I think we'll pass, thanks." Sam snaps

"Your call. You can make this easy or you can make it really, really hard"

"When have you known us to ever make anything easy?" Dean says and Meg shakes her head and Dean shoots one of the invisible hounds.

"Run!" Sam yells and we all take off down the street. I hear Jo shout out Dean's name and I stop dead in my tracks. I look back and Jo is firing at a hound that attacked Dean just as one takes her down from the side. In an instant her side is ripped to shreds. Dean scoops her into his arms and we duck into a hardware store.

I tear a sleeve off of my shirt; Ellen grabs it from my hands, and puts pressure on Jo's wound.

"We just need to get Cas in here. I'll go-"

"No" Sam says and points to the doors. There are chains all around the handles, "You'll die if you go out there."

* * *

Time drags by as we spend the majority of the day trapped inside the hardware store watching Jo bleed to death in Ellen's arms. Dean spends a lot of time on the radio talking with Bobby, and then he's back talking to Sam about how to get Jo out of here. She won't have any of it. She wants us to build a bomb and let the hounds in. She'll detonate it while we make an escape. Jo is so badass, I can't think of any reason why we didn't take her hunting with us all of these years. Ellen is sobbing now. She says she's staying with Jo.

"No!" I shout, "What are you talking about! I'm not leaving you in here!" my voice is booming loud

"Evan-"

"No! Don't 'Evan' me, Ellen, get your ass up we have to go"

"Evan, don't" Sam says softly

"What am I sup- what am I supposed to do without you?" Tears are running down my face now, "Ellen, no please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I don't have anyone-anyone else to talk to El, please don't. Why do you want to go?"

"I have to" She sniffles, "but listen to me"

"No, no, no" I cry into her shoulder. She lifts my head and looks into my eyes,

"Yes" She says and runs a hand through my hair, "you're a good boy. You have a good heart. You know right from wrong so do what's right, and listen to your brothers. You have to go, now. Go."

"Ellen, don't. What about me? What am I-?" I cry. I can feel a large hand on my shoulder urging me to go

"Get out of here" She snaps. Dean bends down and pries my fingers off of her and suddenly I'm being swung like a ragdoll away from her.

"Go!" Sam barks gruffly but my legs feel cemented to the ground. Dean gives me a tug as he runs past me toward the fire escape. I can't feel my legs. Sam scoops one arm across my stomach, hauls me off of my feet and runs. It's nighttime already the cool air stings my hot face. Sam puts me down and gives me a push. Dean shouts at me to come on. I feel dizzy but I start to move forward slowly. Sam climbs down the ladder first, then I go, and then Dean and we start towards an alley. I can't run any more. I look back at the store for a moment and suddenly I'm being lifted again, this time I'm slung over Sam's shoulder. I watch the hardware store bounce farther and farther away until glass shatters and it explodes into flames. I slide down the front of Sam's chest as his arms fly up in shock. I wrap my arms around his waist while I watch the fire grow and death engulf another person I love.

The calm comes quickly and pumps through my body like blood. I'm done crying before the black smoke covers the sky in a blanket thicker than the clouds that brought in the torrential rain the night the police removed me from my mother's house after she died. When we start running again, I feel nothing at all.

* * *

From down in the bushes, we can see dozens of men standing in lines a field.

"Guess we know what happened to some of the townspeople" Dean mutters

"Okay"

"Okay"

"Last words?" Sam asks

"Nah, I'm good"

"Me too" He agrees, "Evan?"

"Let's go" I say and rise to my feet. Dean crouches low and creeps away for the ambush. A man is filling a hole with dirt. I guess that's supposed to be the devil. I'm not impressed.

"Hey!" Sam shouts at him and the man stops digging. Sam steps in front of me so I sidestep from behind him. His arm reaches out a little for me and I ignore it.

"You wanted to see me? Sam continues

"Oh, Sam, you don't need that gun here. You know I'd never hurt you… Not really" Lucifer says as Dean appears before him

"Yeah? Well, I'd hurt you" Dean says, "So suck it" and he pulls the trigger. Lucifer crumbles to the ground. And then he gets back up again. I guess you can't kill the devil with a six-shooter. Who would've guessed?

"Ow! Where did you get that?" He cries out and punches Dean, who goes flying into a tree.

"You son of a bitch!" I roar and run over to Dean. Sam checks his pulse.

"Can we talk a little more privately?" Lucifer says a few seconds before I knock out cold.

* * *

When I wake again, we're back at Bobby's. The Ellen's shot glasses are still overturned on the table where we sat the night before. Bobby takes the only picture we have of Ellen and Jo, and tosses it into the fire. Ellen's picture goes up in flames just like she did. I go to the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of cereal. I haven't eaten all day. Dean stands in the doorway to the kitchen and jams his hands in his pockets. He looks like he's going to say something, but he doesn't. He just backs up and leaves. Sam does the same a few minutes later, but he says goodnight first. As I drain the milk in my bowl, I think about The Roadhouse and how it exploded right after Ellen left for supplies, and how Jo's dad died because he got his guts ripped out by some creature. I don't know much about irony, but this would be a homerun for literary symmetry in Chuck's books. It's actually a little funny, and I can't help the smile that creeps across my face as I head to bed.


	28. My First Fake Name Is David

I've never heard of Dad's old friend Martin before, but then I haven't met most of the people Dad knew. I didn't think Sam and Dean would take me along to help but they do anyway. I have some facial hair growing in and Dean tells me not to try to shave it because I have to look older than I am to get into the adult ward with them. Dean says that after this case, he'll show me how to take care of my "peach fuzz" without nicking myself. I've never had to shave before so this is good timing, I guess. I haven't cut my hair in a while so it sits like a tussled bird's nest on my head. Sam thinks it'll help my disguise. Bobby takes care of the forged paperwork and we head over to Glenwood Springs Psychiatric Hospital in Ketchum, Oklahoma.

* * *

Sam, Dean, and I sit on one side of a desk while the shrink sizes us up on the other. I keep my head bowed slightly so he can't look at me too closely and question my age. I watch him through the curly tendrils on my brow while he and my brothers talk.

"You were referred to me by a Dr. Babar in Chicago"

"That's right" Dean says

"Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?"

"I don't know. I don't have any elephant books… Look, Doctor. I think the doc was in over his head with this one, 'cause my brother Alex is…"

I hear Dean whistle and I know he's making a gesture but I keep my eyes plastered on the shrink who glances over at me and moves uncomfortably in his seat.

"Okay, fine, thank you. That's-that's really not necessary. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling, Alex?"

"I'm fine. I mean, okay, a little depressed, I guess" Sam says

"Okay. Any idea why?"

"Probably because I started the apocalypse"

"The…apocalypse?"

"Yeah, that's right"

"And you think you started it?"

"Well, yeah, I mean...I killed this demon, Lilith, and I accidentally freed Lucifer from hell. So now, he's topside, and we're trying to stop him."

"Who is?"

"Me. A-and my brothers. And this one angel."

"Oh, you mean, like a...like an angel on your shoulder." He says and taps his shoulder.

"No. His name's Castiel. He wears a trench coat."

The doctor writes something down in his pad. He shifts again.

"See what I mean, Doc?" Dean says, "The kid's been beating himself up about this for months… The apocalypse wasn't his fault."

He wasn't expecting that. He looks up at Dean stunned. "It's not?"

"No. There was this other demon, Ruby. She got him addicted to demon blood, and near the end, he was practically chugging this stuff. My brother's not evil. He was just...high...yeah? So, could you fix him up so we can get back to traveling around the country and hunting monsters?"

"And… uh… you? Do you feel the same?" He asks as his eyes move in my direction.

"Oh, David here doesn't talk. He's more of an action kind of guy."

"Monster hunting kinds of action?"

"Oh yeah. Shoot first ask later without any regard of consequences at all. That kind of thing. What can I say? Kid's a do'er. The problem isn't with him. He never loses a night's sleep over anything he does. We need to focus on this one over here."

"I see."

He says before he picks up the phone on his desk and cancels his lunch.

* * *

The doctor admits all three of to the hospital. I can't believe he really thought I'm twenty-one. All I have to do is not talk for a few days while we take down this case, which won't be difficult. I don't say much these days. The overenthusiastic nurse takes us into the exam room one by one. I don't know what she was doing when she put on the rubber gloves and orders me to take my pants off, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. By the end of her "examination" I decide to block out the memory and pretend it never happened. I close my eyes and try to think of something to combat my body's response to the stimulation. The last thing I need is to join my brothers outside with a raging boner. I'd never hear the end of it. Luckily I get to use the shower before I go back out. It's a cold one.

Dean and Sam are together in the lounge talking when I get out.

"Him too. Both of you" Sam says when I walk over

"Both of who?" I ask

"You and me" Dean whispers, "and you don't talk, remember?"

"Not now, but you should." Sam says, "We need to talk about it. Ellen and Jo-"

"What do you want? Him to sign it to you?"

I grin at Dean's snide joke. I don't want to talk about Ellen and Jo. They're gone. And I feel nothing.

"I said not now, but you two can't just keep this crap in"

"Watch me. Oh, there he is"

I follow my brothers to a table where a frail man is staring out of the window. Sam clears his throat and the man shoots to his feet.

"Sam, Dean, wow. You got boys got big. You look good"

"You too"

He gestures to me, "One of yours?"

"Oh yeah, Uh Martin, this is our brother Evan"

"Nice to meet you" Martin says extending a hand to me. I shake it. "John never mentioned anymore kids"

I pull my hand from his more sharply than he expected and he moves his hand uncomfortably to his side and offers us a seat. He's scared and erratic and stutters a lot. Hunting was too much for him and it broke him into this neurotic empty shell. He's pathetic and I can tell by my brother's faces that they don't respect his weakness. He's crazy and I'll never be like him.

* * *

Sam gets pulled into group therapy shortly after our meeting, and then a woman comes for me. Her name is Dr. Wright and her hair is shorter than Dean's. Her room is painted dark grey, which would probably be even darker if she hadn't opened the blinds so much to let the sun in. Her desk is almost completely bear except for her name tag "Dr. Georgia Wright", and some pictures facing away from me. There's a crayon drawn picture on the wall behind her chair. It reminds me of Freddy's room with the backwards "d". Mom's on the floor bleeding, Reggie pisses his pants.

"David?" She says as though she had called me before and I hadn't responded.

I flick my eyes up at her and she smiles softly.

"Dr. Fuller told me that you and your brothers are monster hunters and that you do a lot of traveling. Is that right?"

Her eyes are so dark that they look almost black until she leans forward a bit and the light touches her face. They're hazel.

"He also said that you're a mute. That's what your brother Eddie said during your intake. Does he do most of the talking for you?"

Her eyes are dark rings and her breath smells strongly of coffee. I wonder when she slept last.

"You don't have to speak, David. You can nod if you like" It's not a gentle suggestion. It's a command.

I sit back in my seat and fold my hands on my lap. She licks her bottom lip and does the same.

"Dr. Fuller diagnosed you with undifferentiated schizophrenia and religious psychosis. Basically what that means is that you present symptoms of more than one specific kind of schizophrenia. You specifically show signs and symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia and catatonic. Normally catatonic schizophrenia manifests in a way that causes a patient to stay in one place very still, even if it is uncomfortable, but for you I think it's because you're a mute. My professional opinion is that you're not catatonic. Your muteness is selective, which is a puzzle to me since selective mutism is a childhood disorder." She leans forward on her desk and interlaces her fingers, "which makes me wonder, why don't you speak? Is it because you're afraid that no one will listen?"

I grin at her.

"Eddie may do most of the talking for you on the outside, but in this room, my focus is on what you have to say. There are no judgments and there is no right or wrong. This is a safe environment. You're allowed to talk about your feelings. I want you to understand that. Nod if you understand."

I turn my attention up at the ceiling and start counting the tiny holes in the plaster squares.

"David? Your feelings are important. They will not be invalidated here. Do you understand? Nod if you understand"

This is going to be a long hour.

* * *

Dean is making out with a mental chick by the time I get out of my session. I didn't think he would hook up with a crazy girl before but he stares at her ass when she walks away. I raise my hand for a high five and he obliges while Sam rolls his eyes.

We get to open up the next guy who gets plugged over in the morgue. Dean keeps watch and Sam saws off the top of the dude's head and the guy's brain is like a raisin, only bigger.

"Whoa" I breathe

"His brain's been sucked dry"

"That's fascinating" Dean says, "Somebody's coming"

If Dean's pudding bit worked on frisky nurse, she's pretty dumb. If I was her, I would be more curious about the three new guys hanging around inside of the morgue section of the hospital.

* * *

The music starts playing shortly after Dean ID's Fuller as the wraith we're looking for. I can hear the chiming of the music box playing Beautiful Dreamer from down the halls. It's in my head and I know it so I don't run to the sound but it keeps getting louder and louder. I cover my ears but it just gets louder. My mom's on the floor bleeding and screaming, Reggie is panting, blood is running from her mouth and the carpet smells so badly. The music gets louder blasting in my mind. Reggie grunts. Mom screams. Someone grabs my arm and I shove him hard off of me. His head cracks hard against the wall and he topples over in a heap. Reggie falls to his knees and cries. Tears and snot dribble off of his face. I stab him in his chest over and over until I'm lifted into the air and slammed onto the ground. My pressed hard against the cold gritty linoleum floor. Besides me, my mother reaches for me. I feel my pants get yanked around my ankles. I reach out as much as I can and hold my mother's hand. I feel a prick of a needle and I'm sleepy. My eyelids rise and fall once when my mother smiles. I open my eyes slowly again and there's an orderly laying unconscious next to me with his face bashed in. The song comes to an end as my eyes close again and I drift into unconsciousness.

* * *

When I open my eyes again Dean is by my bedside and my knuckles hurt. My arms and legs are in restraints.

"You're awake." He says. I'm so sleepy.

"Ev, what happened, man? Did you see the wraith? It's not Fuller."

"What? Oh, no. I just… The music was so loud" I mutter and fight to stay awake

"What music?" He frowns, "Sam thinks I cracked. They've got him on something too, but that one's my fault. I'll find it and get us out of here." He says as he undoes my restraints, "don't beat the crap out of anyone. I'll fix this" He calls back at me as he runs from the room and I fall back asleep.

* * *

I wake when I hear footsteps run clumsily through the hallway and I force myself to wake up. I'm so groggy but I hear Sam yell in the distance. I push myself out of bed and move towards the sound. With every step I feel like I'm going to fall on my face. There's a crashing sound from inside one of the padded rooms and I swing the door open. Handsy nurse has Dean pinned up against the wall with a spike coming out of her wrist. I grab a pen from her pocket, uncap it, and jam it into her eyeball. She shrieks in pain and falls back as blood and goo weep from her eye. Dean takes the opportunity to stab her in the heart with his silver blade. We both untie Sam's restraints.

"We gotta get out of here"

"Yeah" Sam agrees just as the alarm starts to blare. Just as we get to the car, Sam decides that we should talk.

"Most of the time, I can hide it, but...I am angry. I'm mad at everything. I used to be mad at you and Dad, then Lilith, now it's Lucifer, and I make excuses. I blame Ruby or the demon blood, but it's not their fault. It's not them. It's me. It's inside me. I'm mad all the time. And I don't know why…" He sighs sadly

At least he's never been mad at me. Dean rounds on him.

"Stop. Stop it. So what if you are? What are you gonna do? You gonna take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What?"

"No, of course not. I-"

"Exactly. And that's exactly what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all that crap and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it, because that's how we keep going! That's how we don't end up like Martin! Are you with me?"

Sam and I both stare at Dean in silence. Dean sounds so much like Dad in this moment that it's eerie. Bury it and keep on moving. That's something I'm going to have to get used to without Ellen around.

"Come on. Man. Are you with me?" He repeats

"I'm with you" Sam says.

Dean looks at me "What about you? You gonna bury it and tough it out?"

I don't say anything. I let out a deep breath, wave my hand through the cloud it makes in front of my face, look at Dean and nod. Unlike Sam, I have nothing to bury. I'm don't feel upset about Ellen and Jo. I don't feel anything. I nod again and shrug.

"Good. Let's get the hell out of here" He says and climbs into the car. Sam and I follow his lead and we drive off.


	29. You Can't Fool Me

**Authors note: SORRY it took so long for this update. It's finals week plus I went to the NJ Supernatural con this weekend and it was a blast! Then I had to move back home. Thanks for being so patient with me.**

* * *

"Next time I want to be Wolfgang." I say as we pull into a diner after meeting another old family friend whom I haven't met.

"What?"

"Van Halen. I should at least have the same last name as you guys, right?"

"You do know that Wolf is Eddie's son, right? Not his brother." Dean squints

"So? You basically raised me anyway, so what's the difference?" I shrug

Sam gives Dean and I a strange look and slides into a booth, "Wolfgang is a little more conspicuous than David, don't you think?"

"William, then."

"Okeydokey Weirdo McRandom" Dean mutters, "What do you want to eat?"

"Health Quake Salad looks good" Sam nods thoughtfully. Dean looks at him like he's nuts for a second and then turns to me.

"I'll have whatever you're having"

He smiles in relief and starts toward the counter "atta boy, at least I've got one brother who doesn't eat rabbit food"

* * *

It's hard to pay attention to my brother's talking while the checkout guy is staring at us. I notice him at first through the corner of my eye after Sam tells us that he doesn't want a wife and family anymore. The kid isn't just staring; he's glaring. He's glaring at Sam. I glare back at him and his eyes flick to mine. I flick open my pocket knife and touch the tip of its blade on the table. The boy looks away.

"Evan, what are you doing? You trying to get us thrown out of here? Put that away" Dean says with a furrowed brow. I put the knife back in my pocket and pick up my burger.

"That guy was staring at us"

"Who, the cashier?" Sam asks and raises an eyebrow

"Yeah. He was giving us a death stare"

Dean takes a big bite, "so, what? You want to get us arrested because the two of you had a moment?"

"Shut up, Dean" I grumble

"Remind me to take that knife away from you when we leave here"

* * *

He doesn't take my knife when we leave but I don't remind him either. Sam splits off from us to figure out what he can for the case but he disappears for hours and Dean can't reach him on the phone. He gathers his keys while I take out my new sewing kit to mend our tattered clothes. Dean pauses for a moment as he puts on his jacket and stares at me.

"Is that a sewing kit?"

I pull a pair of his jeans across my lap and thread my needle.

"Please tell me that you're practicing sutures"

"Same concept"

"Where did you get a sewing kit?"

"It was at your friend Donna's house"

Dean straightens up and blinks "You stole that from Donna?"

"What's the matter?"

He shakes his head and starts to for the door "Stay here, I'm gonna check to the bar to see if he's there. Gimme a call if he gets back before I do"

"Kay"

"And stay out of trouble when I'm gone"

"You don't have to say that every single time you leave, Dean."

Dean purses his lips at me as though he's thinking of a sarcastic response, but he leaves without another word.

* * *

I work through two pairs of jeans and one of Sam's shirts before the door opens up. It's Sam and he looks almost surprised to see me.

"Dude… Are you seriously sewing?" He scoffs

"I'm suturing. Where have you been all night?"

He lifts up his hands quickly and shakes the bags in them "I picked up food. A bacon turbo with chili cheese fries"

He's so jumpy and nervous like he's on drugs. "Dean wants you to call him." I say as I cut off the extra thread with my pocket knife. Sam cringes.

"Are you okay?" I ask

"Yeah. Just… You really have a thing with that knife. It's kind of creepy."

"What?"

There's a knock on the door and a woman from housekeeping calls to us. Sam reaches for the knob immediately as though there aren't guns sprawled all over the beds.

"Sam!" I shout at him and he freezes. I push past him and lean against the door.

"No, thanks" I say through the door

"Fresh towels?"

"No, we're good."

I hear the cart wheel away and look back at Sam who's gritting his teeth in a wince.

"Sorry about that. I wasn't even thinking"

I roll my eyes at him and call Dean who arrives back home in a matter of minutes.

"Where the hell have you been, man? I've been trying to call you for hours"

"I got food. Bacon turbo and a large chili cheese fry"

"Thanks" Dean says and opens one of the bags on the table, "I don't know why it took you two hours, but thanks"

"Better question is why he tried to let the maid in just now" I huff and help myself to one of the other sandwiches

"You tried to let the maid in?"

"It was a reflex." Sam says defensively. "At least I'm not the one playing with creepy knives"

"Creepy knives?" Dean asks like he's nuts

"No, you're the one who tries to get us all arrested because you let the maid in" I snap

"It was a reflex, I'm sorrrrry" Sam drawls out sarcastically

"That's a pretty dumb reflex"

"You're a pretty dumb reflex"

"Okay, okay" Dean says raising his hands between us, he looks at Sam. "Are you kidding me? Really?"

"Sorry" he grumbles, "he started it"

"Well I'm ending it" Dean says loudly before I can protest, "It's like babysitting. Can I leave you two alone for two seconds to use the bathroom or do I have to send you to time-out?"

"You can go ahead" Sam says, "I think I'm gonna go outside for a bit. Get some fresh air"

"You just got back"

"I know. I just feel like I need some space to cool down. From tension…" He says and nods. He's lying and he's doing a really poor job of it. Dean notices it too but he brushes it off and heads to the bathroom. I chew on my sandwich and watch Sam.

"What?" He asks nervously.

"I thought you were going out for air"

"I am. Quit staring at me"

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. What's wrong with you?" He shrugs and leaves. His speech pattern is off. It's quick and sloppy like his mannerisms. He hurries around everywhere in ungraceful gestures like he's nervous and uncomfortable. When Dean gets out of the bathroom I tell him that Sam is off, he raises his eyebrows in agreement just as Sam barges back in.

"I think we should go"

"Why?"

"I walked outside and I was stretching and this fell out of my pants" He raises his gun into the air.

Dean rolls his eyes and I pack up the bags.

"Sorry guys." Sam winces, "I'll wait in the car"

"You think he's on something?" I mutter after Sam takes off

"Sam on drugs? The guy won't touch Tylenol"

"There's something wrong with him"

* * *

I throw the bags into the trunk and climb into the backseat just as Sam asks to drive the car. Sam has driven the Impala plenty of times before but somehow we end up slamming into the dumpster because he throws the car into reverse instead of drive. "You let him drive and not me because?" I say and lean over the front seat

"Nobody's driving but me." Dean says firmly, "sit back"

"Yeah, sit back" Sam grumbles

"You just ran into a dumpster. You should be the one back here" I'm feeling oddly hostile toward my pouting big brother in the passenger's seat and I can't figure out why.

"Will you two give it a rest?" Dean snaps

I sit back in my seat and glare Sam through the rearview mirror. He looks back at me, terrified.

* * *

When I can't find my phone the next day in the basement, I realize that whatever is hanging around with us isn't Sam. I pull my gun from my holster, aim it at his head, and click off the safety.

"You're not Sam" I growl

Sam freezes and turns slowly around towards me. Dean stops shoveling and looks up at me.

"Evan, what are you doing?"

"Where is he?" I demand

"Evan" Not-Sam stammers, "Ch-chill out, dude"

"What the hell is-" Dean is suddenly thrown across the room into me. The gun is knocked out of my hand and it slides across the room. I struggle to catch my breath because Dean's heavy body smashed the wind out of my lungs. He pushes off of me and helps me to my feet.

"You okay?" He demands just as not Sam is thrown into the other wall.

"Sammy!"

Dean rushes over and hoists the shifter on his stolen feet. If it is a shifter... Usually shifters are much better at role-playing than this. I grab my gun from off the ground and dig through my pockets just in case I have any silver bullets left inside of them.

"We have to get out of here!" Shifter Sam whimpers

"We still have to burn the body, you idiot"

There's nothing in my pockets; they must have fallen out when Dean landed on top of me. I bend down to see if there's anything on the ground and then I'm being hoisted up into the air and thrown. I crash hard into a tool shelf against the far wall. A sharp pain rips through my ankle and ribs. I can hardly breathe. In a matter of seconds Dean is hovering over me. I see the ghost appear behind his back and I take a deep breath to warn him but the moment I inhale all that escapes my mouth is a cry of pain. Dean looks over his shoulder just in time to see the ghost go up in flames. The shifter is standing in front of the burning bone pit where she was buried. He's ecstatic for a glimpse until he looks down at me. I narrow my eyes at him.

"Hey little guy, you alright?" Dean says in almost a soft coo and brushes some hair out of my face. I try to answer but I can't take a breath without the immobilizing stabbing pain in my ribs.

"No, no take it easy. Don't talk. I got you, okay?" He scoops me into his arms and lifts me off of the shelf. I don't know which is worse; that I'm being coddled like an infant or that I'm little guy yet again. Sam thought Sammy was bad. At least he kept his name.

* * *

When we get back to the motel Dean wraps my ankle and chest. I broke my ankle and have at least one broken or cracked rib. I'm not bleeding internally from what we see so far so I don't have to go to the hospital. Dean uncaps a bottle of whiskey and holds it to my lips.

"To take the edge off." He says while the shifter watches over his shoulder

I take a few gulps and do my best not to cry like a baby.

"Easy. Easy" He says softly

"Maybe we should take him to the hospital" Shifter Sam tentatively

"I got him"

Shifter Sam paces back and forth and heaves a sigh.

"What?" Dean turns to him irritably

"What? Oh, nothing. I guess I'm just still pumped from the ghost lady. I thought maybe we could go out and celebrate, but I guess…" He gestures to me, "we should probably make sure he's okay"

"You guess?"

"You're right. I'm sorry." He says and backs off immediately. "Is anyone else hungry? I'm starving, why don't I just take the car and-"

"No" Dean snaps, "There's no way you're getting your hands on my baby so you can total it"

I squeeze Dean's hand and look at him hard in the eyes. He's not Sam, Dean. You have to see that it's not Sam. Dean gives me a wink and eases himself off of the bed.

"I'm driving."

"De-" I breathe

"Hang tight" He says and swings the door open, "I'll be back"

* * *

Dear Castiel, I'm banged up pretty bad right now and I could use that magic touch so I can get better and help save my brothers.

Maybe he can't hear me if I don't say it out loud but I hope he does.

Castiel, wherever you are, I can use a little help. My brothers are in trouble.

I sit up as straight as I can and ignore the pain.

"Cas" I whisper and pain rips through my body, "I need your help. It's for Sam and Dean"

Castiel appears before me in a gush of wind. I guess angels can't read minds.

"Where are Sam and Dean?" He demands

I wave him over "Little help?" I manage to groan. He reaches out and touches my forehead and all of my pain is gone. I hop out of bed and unwrap my bandages.

"What's wrong with Sam and Dean?"

"I'm not sure. I think a shifter kidnapped Sam. Dean's on it now"

"You had me rush over for that? I thought they were in danger"

"They are maybe" I shrug, "don't pout. I needed help and you helped me. I owe you one so thanks"

"You're welcome"

"While you're here, you think you could maybe locate Sam for me, too?"

He's reluctant but he doesn't want to show it. On one hand he wants to help my brothers but on the other, he doesn't want to be involved in our little adventures. It's a good thing he's so attached to Sam and Dean or else he'd be much harder to manipulate. I appear outside of a house in the suburbs alone. If I had a cellphone, I'd call Dean and tell him but I don't. He'll meet up soon enough; I know it.

I pick the front lock easily with my knife and follow the sound of muffled voices through the empty house and down into the basement. It's not his voice but I recognize him right away.

"We're talking about a demon deal. Killing somebody. This isn't a game. You're crossing a line you won't come back from, believe me."

I click the safety off of my gun and go downstairs. Everyone freezes and looks at me. The nerdy kid tied to the chair must be Sam. Two other teenage kids are holding him hostage. A boy and a girl.

"Evan!" Sam shouts

"Who are you?" The boy asks stunned

I fire one shot into his leg and he goes down. The girl is screaming now and my gun is aimed at her head.

"Evan, no!" Sam bellows as if I was about to kill her without figuring out how to fix this. How stupid does he think I am?

I grab a rag from one of the tables and throw it to the weeping girl.

"Go tie this over his wound and apply pressure so he doesn't bleed out" I order

She's shakes and keeps crying.

"Shhhhut up" I say softly to try to calm her down before the neighbors call the cops or something, "if you don't help him, he's going to lose a lot of blood and he may die. You don't want that, right?"

She shakes her head no and I nod. "Good. Go do what I told you. Apply pressure"

While she rushes over to tend to her friend, I cut Sam free from the ropes. He takes the gun out of my hands and hurries over to check on the crying kid.

"Sam, Dean's still with that thing. I thought it was a shifter but I was wrong"

When we call Dean, he tells us that he was already on his way.

_"How are you even okay?"_ He asks me after talking with Sam

"Cas came by and helped me out."

_"Really?"_

"Yeah"

* * *

Dean appears with not Sam a few minutes later to reverse the spell. Sam is annoyed with me for shooting the kid, but he was trying to get us killed so I don't feel bad about it. I would've shot him in the face if I had known that we wouldn't even need him for the spell. I want to kill all three of the little psychos but Sam and Dean have a talk with them instead. Gary, the one who stole Sam's body loads his friend into his parent's car to take him to the hospital, but before he leaves he walks over to me.

"I know we didn't get along much, but for what its worth, you and your brothers are pretty bad ass. I wouldn't mind trading places with you for a while" He grins. I grin back at him.

"If Sam didn't have my gun right now, I'd shoot you in your throat. But not before I put a bullet right through your girlfriend's pretty little skull and stabbed your friend's eyes out in front of you"

Gary takes a step backwards and hurries to his car.

"Good talk" I say and tap the hood. Sam squints at me in a way that says that even though he didn't hear what I told the kid, he doesn't approve. I just saved the day so I don't care. I climb into the Impala and lay down across the seats. Dean and Sam exchange one of their lingering silent conversational gazes and I shut my eyes. It's been a long day and I did well. I feel like a hero as I slowly fall asleep to the gentle rhythm of the Impala and the comfort of my brothers' presence.


	30. Our Bonding Time is Productive

Sometimes my brothers and I go to concerts together, we stop at roadside attractions, and on rare occasions we'd even race go-karts. Well, we did that one time but I'm still holding out hope that we'll do that again some day. These little excursions are always spontaneous and full of mindless fun, which is probably why when they end, we carry on as though it never happened. It comes and ends as quickly as a dream that you can only vaguely remember the minute details of when you wake, never to be mentioned again as you trudge through the usual realistic every day nightmare we're such an intricate part of. This afternoon was different than that. Dean and Sam proposed we have a day in for a movie marathon almost simultaneously and gave each other quick looks as though they were in on a big secret together.

"No hunting today?" I ask

"I think we've earned a break" Dean says

"What kind of movies?"

"Horror" He says with a bright smile I haven't seen him replicate in years. And it is replicated… He's trying so hard to mask whatever it is he's masking that I find myself willing to get lost in this fantasy. Everything is normal and there's nothing going on.

"I thought we hate horror movies because they're so fake"

"That's half the fun" He grins, "We'll make a day of it. We'll crack open a few beers, sodas, get popcorn, licorice, raisinetes-"

"Dude, you call me girly?" Sam scoffs

"What?"

"First of all, licorice-"

"Don't get started up on my licorice"

"But raisinetes, too?"

"I'll have you know that raisinetes are a standard movie time food. Everybody likes raisinetes"

I don't like raisinetes but I don't mind the playful bickering between my brothers.

"-Peanut M&M's" Sam says

"That's one thing we both can agree on" Dean says

"I like the originals better" I goad. Dean raises his hand to silence me and shakes his head.

"It's like we're not even brothers" He grumbles. Sam and I laugh and he heads out the door.

"This is nice." I say out loud

"We thought you could use a break"

"So you two planned it?"

Sam frowns innocently and takes a seat beside me on the couch "Not really. It just kind of fell into place. Spur of the moment suggestion." He lies casually and it makes me suspicious. It's such an innocent activity, what could their endgame be? Maybe they don't have one. I'm being paranoid and everything is normal. Sam is on his laptop in an unusually relaxed manner.

"Looking for a case?"

"What? Oh, uh, no" He says and closes it, "So, how are you?"

"Good"

"Good. I'm glad. You haven't been hearing any of that music lately? What was it? Beautiful Dreamer?"

"Not since the hospital. Why?"

"Just curious. Any more nightmares about your mom?"

"Not recently"

"Any trouble sleeping? Flashbacks of what happened? Hallucinations?"

"No?" I frown

"Good. Good." He nods

"Are you okay, Sam?"

"Yeah" He smiles

"Because you're asking a lot of weird questions"

"I'm just curious. Want to make sure my little brother's okay" He says and Dean comes back in with a stack of movies in one hand and a bag of treats in the other.

"What's first? I got American Psycho, Se7en, Psycho, The Omen, and my personal favorite sick son of a bitch Hannibal Lector in The Silence of the Lambs."

* * *

My brothers excel at many things. They have impeccable aim. Sam could shoot a flea off a stray cat 50 yards away and Dean can hit the bull's-eye on a dartboard blindfolded and drunk after being spun around in circles for twenty seconds. They're masters at hand-to-hand combat and weaponry of any kind. They have the foresight and driving capabilities of NASCAR racers and don't get me started on identity fraud. There is one area that my brothers are deficient in and that's in interpersonal discretion. Seriously, when you pay attention, they're about as subtle as an atom bomb. I know what their play is almost immediately after the first movie starts. Every few minutes Sam and Dean would look over at me and study my reaction to some grizzly scene on the TV. Both of their arms are stretched over the back of the couch behind my back and Dean asks me questions peppered with encouraging light-hearted smiles.

"Wow. Did you see the way he iced that chick? The worst part is, he doesn't even realize that he's doing it. I guess that can happen in the spur of the moment, though. That ever happen to you?"

"Do I ever kill women in the shower?"

"No, like do you ever lose yourself in the moment. Forget who you are and just…"

"No."

Dean tilts his head back and looks at Sam who makes a face. They think that I'm crazy and they're trying to figure out how far gone I am. I'm so annoyed that I debate whether or not to play along just to mess with them.

"Spacey is brutal. Bet you he didn't lose a single night's sleep over any of those vics"

I stare at the screen.

"Yeah well, he's pretty far gone, Dean" Sam says, "I don't think that stuff ever backs up on him."

"Yeah, you're probably right. See, I couldn't do that. When people start getting hurt… Monsters are one thing, but people?" Dean raises an eyebrow at me "you know what I mean?"

"Sure, Dean"

"I think the worst thing I've ever done, I was, I don't know, sixteen? Dad took me out on this case and I had to take out this shifter. One silver bullet right through the heart, but the shot went clean through and… It hit this girl, couldn'tve been more than twenty years old. You keep moving, but for a long time, she was all I could think about. Don't even get me started on what happened a few weeks back with Lucifer."

"You did your best" I sigh. Fire in the tool store burns my eyes. I blink the memory away.

"That helps" Sam says, "With Madison…" He looks away and clears his throat, "with Madison, knowing I did the right thing helped, but at first the remorse can be crippling"

"What about you? What's your worst?"

"My worst experience with death? My Mom, I guess"

"What about someone you've killed?" Dean says

"Are we still watching the movie, or…"

"No, really."

"I don't know. I've never hurt someone that I didn't have to hurt and if I did, it wasn't my fault."

Dean and Sam exchange another look and I've reached my limit. I'll play.

"It puts the lotion in the basket" Dean says in sync with the psychopath on the screen.

"He really shouldn't hose her down." I cluck, "All he's doing is washing off all of the oil that'll keep her skin moisturized. What he should be doing is making her drink more water. That'll work way better"

"Whose side are you on?" Sam chortles

"It's a toss up between Bill and Hannibal. Hannibal is so smart and clever and Bill is working through some major childhood trauma so, one of them." I say with a straight face. Dean is looking at me like I'm crazy now until Sam clears his throat.

"I wonder what it feels like to pull human flesh off of someone's body. It must feel pretty powerful. She'll be passed out from shock through most of it, probably, but that first slice must just drag on and on while she sits there screaming"

"Okay, stop it" Dean snaps and turns off the television. "What the hell is wrong with you, huh?"

"Calm down, Dean." I snarl as I launch myself off of the couch, "I'm messing with you. Is this really what you think of me? You think I'm some sadistic jerk who gets off on killing people? Or maybe the devil's spawn from The Omen, the kid who murders his own mother? Is that what you think of me?"

"Of course not" Sam says, "We know that you're not malicious or evil, Evan. We're just worried about your lack of-"

"Sanity?"

"Remorse" Dean adds

"How many times am I going to have to through this with you guys? Every time we hunt I end up being lectured whether I save your sorry asses or not! What do you want me to do?"

"We want you to feel something." Dean says

"I do feel something! I feel good when I do my job and I help you guys out. I'm happy that I still have you around and I don't regret a single thing I have to do to make sure you two stay around either. If that makes me crazy, so be it. I'd rather be a crazy kid with my brothers alive than a normal kid without you. I'll do whatever it takes to never see either of you die ever again. I've seen enough death and carnage and your blood in my lifetime and I will never let it happen again." They look so touched and sad, even apologetic but I hold back my triumphant smile. I can't believe I got them off of my back that easy. Is that really all I've had to do all this time to stop their incessant nagging? Awesome. I ham it up a little more with a heavy sigh.

"Can we just… watch some TV instead or something?"

Sam nods thoughtfully and Dean flicks off the movie. I sit between them again and smile softly.

"I love you guys, you know that?"

"We love you too" Sam says and Dean nods but doesn't look at me. The Omen is playing on TV, Damien's bright blue eyes peer back at me silently before his image is replaced with a football game.

* * *

From an outsider's view in, Dean would probably look like the easiest one to work over, but that's wrong. Sam is actually the easy one, you just have to know which strings to pull and be careful because he can detect a lie better than a machine. If you know which buttons to push, however, he's easy. All you have to do is give him a sob story that's relevant to something he can relate to and he's yours. Dean, on the other hand, will do his best to not see whatever he thinks you're doing wrong and keep it moving if he likes you. He'll stay quiet and fester until one day he lets it all go and bears down on you without mercy. He's like a hurricane. First you get a wave of disapproval and tension, then he looks the other way and you think you're off the hook, and then comes the storm. Once you're on Dean's conscious radar, you stay there. I find out that I'm on Dean's radar for the first time later that night while Sam was in the bathroom washing up for bedtime. Dean sits me down to talk.

"I get what you said earlier and you're right. If you or Sam were in danger, I'd do whatever it takes to save you. Sam would too. We've done it before and we'll do it again every time. It's our strength as much as it's our weakness and as much as I hate to admit it, you're just as tangled up in this as we are. Fine, but since you're in this now, we're going to lay out a few rules" His voice is low and gravely, His business voice. He raises his hand to count off even though Dean's laws usually come in twos. The first one is usually a culture reference or irrelevant in every way and the second one is serious. I can tell by his face that he's not in the mood to lay down his two ever-changing commandments. He raises one of his fingers.

"One, you assess the situation you're in and you deal with it in the most effective and humane way possible. No more of this shoot first, ask questions later business. It's dangerous and creates more problems than it's worth. If we can use non-deadly force, we use it for the sake of the victim. Got it?"

"Yeah, I got it" I say enthusiastically and he raises another finger

"You listen to us. We're running the show out there which means you follow our lead and do what we say."

"But-"

"But nothing. Like it or not, you're still our kid brother, that means we call the shots and you listen or you ride the bench. Understand?"

"I understand, Dean." I mutter

"What?"

"I understand." I say louder and he nods in the way that he always does when he's flaunting dominance

"We're in this together, Evan. We're a team. You don't seem to care too much about killing people and as much as that scares the crap out of me, you have your heart in the right place so we're good."

I smile a little. "So does that mean you don't think I'm crazy?"

"No, I think you're a sociopath." He says and pats my leg, "get some sleep."

For whatever it's worth, he's probably right about me, but I push it from my mind. I'm glad that at least he still only had two rules even if they were both serious ones.


	31. I Am a Traveler of Both Time and Space

Dean wakes us up in the middle of the night because another angel has visited him in a dream. Anna, this time. I wonder when angels are going to start invading my dreams like they do for Sam and Dean. Anna says that she wants to meet us at some warehouse or something so we're getting ready to go until Cas pops up and tells us to quit packing.

"Why? What's up, Cas?" Dean asks

"It's Anna. She plans to kill you"

"Kill me? Why me?"

"Well, Sam more specifically. She wants to kill Lucifer's vessel to avoid the apocalypse"

"Really? Anna? I don't believe it" Dean says while he paces back and forth.

"So does this mean that I'm the only one who hasn't banged someone who wants to kill us?" I grin

"Give it time" Dean grumbles and I laugh.

"So she's gone all Glenn Close, huh? That's awesome" He huffs

"Who's Glenn Close?" Cas asks with a look on his face similar to a confused dog.

"No one, just this psycho bitch who likes to boil rabbits"

"I think that's what it said on the back cover" I chuckle and pop open a beer

"So the plan to kill me, would it actually stop Satan?" Sam pipes up humorlessly

"No, Sam, Come on"

"Cas, what do you think?" He says ignoring Dean, "Does Anna have a point?"

"No. She's uh, Glenn Close" Cas says and I laugh again. Cas tells us that Anna traveled back in time to kill Dad and Mary before Sam is born and Dean manages to convince Cas to take us back with him.

"I'm going back in time with you?" I shout excitedly, "That's awesome! Maybe we can visit my mom too"

"This isn't a vacation" Cas says firmly, "We'll have to move quickly and stop Anna and then come back. I don't have enough-"

"Right, sure. Okay, let's go"

Cas touches his fingers to our foreheads and suddenly we're in the middle of a street. There are old timey cars honking their horns at us and we hurry out of the street. Cas is injured from the trip so we put him up at a motel and head out for Dad's house.

* * *

I'm angry. Despite the fact that I've traveled through time and that I get to meet my Dad before I was even a possibility for him, I'm angry. I think about his arms around Sam and Dean's mother, living in a house with her, happily married and giving her all the love he never showed my mom. I've seen Mary before in a picture that Dean keeps hidden in his wallet. Blonde and pretty, like Adam's mother, whom Dad also seemed to like better than mine. I guess Mom wasn't blonde enough to deserve his attention.

Dean rings the doorbell of Sam and Dean's old home. Sam is fidgety and nervous, and almost childlike. A younger version of the woman in the picture in Dean's wallet opens the door. She's stunned and upset when she sees our faces.

"Hi, Mary" Dean says

"You can't be here" Her voice is not what I imagined. It's not soft and fragile; it's demanding and strong.

"I'm sorry if this is a bad time."

"You don't understand" She says, "I'm not…" Sam is staring at her and she notices. "I'm don't do that anymore. I have a normal life now. You have to go"

She moves to close the door in our faces but Dean puts his arm in the way.

"I'm sorry, but this is important, okay?"

A man clears his throat from beside her and the door opens wider. Dad stares back at us. He's so small and thin. His face is young and naïve and nothing that I would have imagined. All I ever knew was the war weathered sadness that radiated off of his skin as strongly as the booze that escaped from his pores on the hard days, and there were a lot of those. Even his eye color looks different. I move forward for a closer look and he stares down at me until Dean pushes me back an inch and laughs awkwardly.

"Sorry about that, he, uh, doesn't get out much."

"Sorry, sweetie" Mary stammers, "They're just-"

"Mary's cousins" Dean finishes for her, "Yeah we couldn't stop through town without swinging by and saying hey now could we? Dean." He says and extends a hand.

"You look familiar" Dad says

"Really? Yeah, you do, too, actually, you know? We must have met sometime. Small towns, right? Got to love 'em."

"I'm John."

He reaches his hand out again for Sam this time, who takes it but won't stop staring. I want a closer look at Dad's eyes but Dean hooks his arms over my chest and holds me in place in front of him.

"These are my brothers, Sam and Evan"

"Sam." John smiles "Uh, Mary's father was a Sam."

Sam smiles and nods stupidly.

"Uh, it's a—it's a family name" Dean says

"What's going on with your eyes?" I ask

"Excuse me?"

"They look blue almost"

Dean laughs loudly, "Okay, kiddo, we better get you something to eat before you get any worse." He leans forward to Dad and Mary, "Low blood sugar, he gets a little bugged out when he doesn't eat for a while"

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" He asks

"Actually, John, they were just on their way out" Mary says

"What? They just got here and plus this poor little guy is going to keel over. Do you like spaghetti and meatballs? I think that's what's on the menu for tonight, right honey?"

Mary clenches her teeth.

"That would be amazing" Dean grins and Mary glares him.

* * *

As I chew absently on the potato chips Mary reluctantly hands me, I stare at the man who left me an orphan four years ago. I feel no kinship towards this man who is supposed to be my father. He doesn't act like him or talk like him. He doesn't even look like him but I'm the only one who seems to notice. If they do notice they don't care. Then again, my brothers knew him for a long time before I met him. A lot can change over time. Still, I can't think of anything else.

He smiles uncomfortably at me and fidgets in his seat.

"Uh, Evan" Dean says from next to me, "how're you feeling champ?"

"You're so beautiful" Sam stutters to Mary

"He means that in a-a non-weird, wholesome family kind of way" Dean says quickly

"Yeah, right" Sam agrees heartily

"We haven't seen Mary in quite some time and, see, she's the spitting image of our mom. I mean, it's- it's-"

"Eerie" Sam breathes

The Dad I know would've thrown been on high alert with us but this one invites us to stay for dinner before excusing himself to answer the phone. Mary tells us to leave once he's gone.

"You have to leave. Now."

"Okay, just listen-"

"No, you listen. Last time I saw you, a demon killed my parents. Now you waltz in here like you're family? And you brought a young boy with you this time? What are you thinking?" She hisses at Dean

"I'm older than I look" I grin and her eyes narrow unapologetically.

"Regardless, whatever you want—no. Leave me alone."

"You and John are in danger." Sam says

"What are you talking about?"

"Something's coming for you"

"Demon?"

"An angel" Sam tells her

* * *

Dad is getting his ass handed to him when we show up to save him from the trap he walked right in to. Dean does his best to take on Anna with the angel blade but he's thrown through a window. Then Mary goes for her. I would've thought it was a bad idea for someone who could be so easily killed by their assassin to try and fight her, but Mary is pretty kick ass. Of course whatever she does isn't enough to stop Anna. She's an angel. I really don't know why she's even taking her time when she could kill us all in a matter of seconds. Mary is thrown into a car windshield and I throw a wrench at Anna's head to distract her. It hits her in the nose and she winces.

"Hey Anna" I yell at her but she's still advancing on Mary.

I take out my gun and shoot her in the hand.

"Anna!"

I yell at her and shoot her in the center of her forehead. She vanishes and appears before me.

"Evan" She says and lifts me into the air by the front of my shirt. I grasp her wrists to keep from choking but it's still hard to breathe.

"You look pretty today" I grunt "Did you do something new with your hair?"

Blood is flowing from her wound and it's coating her face like face paint. Mary stabs her through her back with a crowbar and Anna drops me to the floor.

"I'm sorry" She says and pulls it out before turning to Mary, "It's not that easy to kill an angel"

"No" Sam says from over by the wall, "But you can distract 'em"

He presses his bloody hand on an angel sigil and Anna vanishes in a blast of light. John looks like he's going to have a heart attack. Mary hurries over to him and helps him to his feet as Dean limps back inside.

"What'd I miss?"

* * *

We pile into the car and Dad drives. I'm sandwiched in the back between Sam and Dean. I thought Dad would be scared or in shock by all of this, but he's angry. It makes me feel better about him. It feels like home.

"How long?" He demands

"All my life. John, just try to understand-" Mary starts

"She didn't exactly have a choice" Dean interjects

"Shut up, all of you!" Dad yells, "Look, not another word, or so help me I will turn this car around"

Everyone gets quiet.

"Wow. Awkward family road trip" Dean whispers

"No kidding" Sam agrees

"You asked, though" I mumble

"Excuse me?" Dad shoots at me

"You asked her a question" I say louder, "She answered you and you told her to shut up."

Sam widens his eyes at me to tell me to stop.

"I'm just saying. Why ask…right?"

"Stop" Dean mutters and nudges me in the ribs with his elbow.

"Ow. Don't elbow me" I say and shove his arm away from me

"Cut it out" He snaps and pushes me into Sam

"Hey" Sam says and shoves me back into Dean who pushes me harder back into Sam

"Quit it!" I say and punch Dean in the arm.

Sam and Dean both freeze and look at me. A streetlight reflects off of Dean's dark eyes and gives it a menacing glimmer.

"Dean-" I caution and suddenly my head is caught in a headlock under his arm and Sam has my arms pinned behind my back.

"Hey!" Dad yells

I can't move but I feel the car swerve off of the road and come to a sudden halt. Dean and Sam release me immediately and Dad whips around at us.

"What the hell is wrong with you three? Do you want to walk home?" He snarls

"No" Sam says meekly

"No, sir"

I rub my sore shoulder and shake my head no, though it makes no difference to me.

"Then cut it out. Now."

He glares at us and turns back to the front. Mary frowns at us through the rearview mirror as we pull away from the curb again.

* * *

Dad is eager to help us out for Mary's sake and Sam tries to teach him a thing or two about the angel sigil for protection. Dad's still pretty grumpy about all of us being hunters, though. It's pretty funny how little he thinks of his future self for letting us live this life. Sam says that he forgives him for everything that he did because he gets that he was trying to protect us after he lost his wife.

"He taught you too?" Dad asks me

"Yup"

Dad shakes his head disapprovingly. "I don't mean any disrespect to your father, but-" he looks at me and frowns, "you're just a kid. You deserve a better life than this."

"I'm older than I look"

He looks back at Sam, "I know I just met you, but you're Mary's family which makes you my family. Your Dad is gone but you're old enough to take responsibility and protect him from this while you still can. Before it messes him up for good"

Sam bites his lip like he's guilty of something and I know what he's thinking. Too late.

"I'm gonna go check on Dean" I say and back out of the room.

* * *

"I'm your son" I hear Dean say the instant I find him and Mary.

"What?" Mary asks stunned

"I'm your son. Sorry, I don't know how else to say it. We're from the year two thousand and ten. An angel zapped up back here. Not the one that attacked you, friendlier"

"Dean?" I ask and join him. Mary takes a look at me and shakes her head.

"You can't expect me to believe that"

"Our names are Dean and Sam Winchester after your parents. When I would get sick, you would make me tomato rice soup, because that's what your mom made you. And instead of a lullaby, you would sing "Hey Jude", cause that's your favorite Beatles song"

"I…I don't believe it. No" She's crying now

"I'm sorry, but it's true"

"I raised my kids to be hunters?"

"No. No, you didn't" Dean says comfortingly

"How could I do that to you" She cries and looks back at me, "And you. You're just a baby"

"Not your baby" I wink

"What?"

"It's complicated" Dean explains

"But. But I thought you said you were brothers"

"We are. Just-"

"How could that be if- John? Does John" Her eyes widen, "Does he leave me?"

"No" Dean says quickly

"Don't worry. You're dead long before Dad starts messing around with other girls" I say and pat her arm lightly. Dean puts my hand back down and glares at me.

"What?" She gasps, "What happened?"

"Yellow-eyed demon" Dean says when he finally looks away from me, "He killed you and John became a hunter to get revenge. He raised us in this life." Dean's voice drops "Listen to me. A demon comes into Sam's nursery exactly six months-"

"Dean!" I shout and yank his arm so that he's facing me

"What?"

"What the hell are you trying to do, jack ass?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"Think Dean. You save her. What do you think happens to me?"

He lets out a breath and closes his eyes.

"Didn't think of that, did you?"

"You're right. Damn it" He sighs and looks back at Mary. "Alright, forget that"

"What are you talking about, Dean?" She frowns and Sam walks in.

"Or we can make it so all of us are never born" He says, "When this is all over, walk away, and never look back"

"I might still be born." I offer lightly but it's highly improbable that Dad would follow that path if Mary didn't happen.

"It's too late. I'm pregnant" Mary says just before Dad walks in and says the sigils are gone.

* * *

Anna isn't alone this time. There's another angel with her and Dean goes for him while Sam attacks Anna. Before I choose a direction to turn to, my brothers and I are thrown hard against the wall. Dad gets pushed right out of the window. Sam gets up and tries to grab the sword to kill Anna but she stabs him first and he falls.

"Sammy!" Dean cries

"Anna!" I shout and snatch the blade from the ground

"Evan, no don't!" I hear Dean scream at me but before I can react, Uriel throws me hard into the wall and I go right through it. Even with the sound of the wall being demolished under me, I can hear all of the bones in my body breaking. I try to take a breath but it feels like a knife has been lodged in my lungs. I feel nauseated as warm salty blood spills from my mouth. I'm in so much pain I want to die for it just to end. There's a ringing in my ears and everything is going black. I blink my tired eyes and see my mother standing over me. She smiles and touches my face.

"Evan?" She whispers, "Evan, come on. Stay with me"

I smile at her and I can hardly feel the pain. She caresses my face.

"Save him. Fix him first and then we talk. He's still alive." She says softly, "You hang on, Evan. Don't you leave me"

The blackness thickens around us and I can hardly see. She's warm around me.

"Please. Don't let him die. I'll talk with you but don't let him die" Her voice chimes like a bell. Something cold touches my forehead and the blackness disappears. So does my mother. Dean is crouched down in front of me. He heaves a sigh of relief. Dad's eyes bear down at me but he doesn't look the same. His face has hardened.

"Dad?"

"No" He says and touches my forehead.

* * *

An ex-blood junkie, a delinquent teen, a dropout with six bucks to his name, and Mr. Comatose. That's our team against the angels. We sit at the table with cups in our hands to drown out the pain of what we experienced back at the motel in the year 2010. I'm not in pain. That wasn't my mother. And John... John Winchester is not my father, I don't care if he did knock up my mom. He loved Mary. He didn't want my mother and he didn't want me. He's not my family. Sam and Dean are my family and they're all I have left.

"They all say we'll say yes." Sam says

"I know. It's getting annoying." Dean grunts

"What if they're right?"

"They're not."

"They can use anyone in the blood line? Does that mean they can use me too?" I ask

"No." Dean says firmly

"Actually, yes" Sam says, "Technically"

"I mean no as in nobody's getting their hands on you or any of us for that matter. We're not saying yes"

"Dad said yes" Sam says

"That was different. Anna was about to kill Mom"

"And if you could save Mom? What would you say?" Sam raises an eyebrow

"It wasn't meant to be, Sam. That's just how it is."

"Yeah. I guess you're right" He says when he looks over at me. I can tell by the way he looks that he feels bad. "We should still be prepared, though. If they can use anyone in our bloodline, they might go after you, Evan"

"No matter what happens. You say no" Dean says firmly

No matter what happens? That doesn't sound like me, but I nod anyway. My brothers need reassurance that I care about saving the world as much as they do. I don't and somewhere they know it too. They just hope it doesn't come down to my choice and they hope I'm strong enough to say no if it does. It's not about strength. If one thousand people had to die in order to save either of my brothers, I'd slaughter them myself just like anyone else would for someone they loved. Maybe that's what they're afraid of. Being loved so unconditionally by someone who loves themselves just as much. As I smile at my beautiful foolish big brothers, I wonder if the angels will try me.

"I mean it" Dean says sharply, snapping me out of my thoughts, "I want you to promise me that you won't say yes if it comes down to it. I mean it. If you did, everything we would've worked for, everyone who died, Ellen and Jo, everyone will have died for nothing."

My smile fades suddenly but I'm not upset or angry. I feel fine. Sam and Dean watch me expectantly like this is a test. Like they're waiting to see if I'm really on "team free will" as Dean calls it.

"I won't let you down." I say

I'm on their side.


	32. It's Not My Fault and I'm Not Afraid

"How old are you?"

"Why does it matter?"

"I don't know if you ever get this, hon, but you look like jailbait"

"I could say the same about you" I smirk

"Fair enough" She smiles and takes the wad of cash, that I earned hustling, from my hand and bolts the door. I sit on the bed and watch her as she tries to walk seductively from the door.

"You're a good looking kid" She whispers when she's in front of me, "you could probably have any girl you want"

She smells strongly of fruit and I like it. I move one of the straps on her spaghetti straps from off of her shoulder.

"You're not a virgin. Are you?" She smiles

"This isn't a date. You're wasting time that I paid for"

"I don't want this to be some kind of trap, that's all"

"Do I look like a cop to you?"

"No, but you're the first kid I've met with a wad of cash that thick who wasn't a bumbling virgin so excuse me if I'm a little weary"

"Your weariness sounds a lot like nosiness. Are you going to give me what I want or should I take my business elsewhere?"

She straightens up and gives me a scrutinizing look. My mouth is a hard line as I look back at her.

"Alright. I believe you." She says with a half smile and brushes off the spaghetti strap on her other shoulder. "Happy Valentine's day, baby" She coos.

* * *

I get back to the motel two minutes before they do.

"So? Any leads on Hannibal and… is there a famous female cannibal?" I ask, "the bride of Frankenstein?"

"The bride of Frankenstein wasn't a cannibal."

"She wasn't?"

"No, she was the chick with the really big hair" Dean says pointing to the top of his head

"Oh. Well what about that girl the bad one with the team of magic circus freaks or whatever?"

"Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about"

"The girl. The blue fish girl, she eats people and then she can turn into them?"

Sam and Dean furrow their brows at me.

"The blue fish lady? She had scales and she was married to the flying metal man? In that movie we saw?"

Sam squints, "Are you talking about Mystique from X-men?"

"Yeah, that's the one. Mystique"

Dean's eyes widen "you thought Mystique from X-men was a magic cannibal fish lady? Wow. I don't know whether to laugh or cry right now"

"What?" I frown

"Right" Sam says, "Well, I checked out the house. No EMF, no sulfur. Ghost possession and demonic possession are both probably out"

"So what is it?"

"Beats the hell out of me" Dean says, "I was putting my money on that. I don't know what else it can be? You didn't see the bodies. I mean, their stomachs were full. Like, Thanksgiving dinner, full. Talk about co-dependent."

"Well… I mean, we got our feelers out. Not much more we can do tonight. All right, Evan, ready to pull some weight and help me go through these files?" Sam says and takes a seat. I join him.

"What, am I not invited?" Dean asks

"I thought you'd want to get going"

"Sorry?"

Sam shrugs "You know, go on. Unleash the kraken. See you tomorrow morning"

"Where am I going?"

"Dean, it's Valentine's day. Your favorite holiday, remember? I mean, what do you call it?

"Unattached drifter Christmas" I offer

"Oh, yeah. Well… be that as it may… I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year"

"Is that an innuendo?" I snicker

"That's when a dog doesn't eat- That's when you know something's really wrong.

"Remarkably patronizing concern duly noted. Nothing's wrong. We gonna work or what?" He huffs and sits down with us. After a minute of reading over the case files Dean shakes his head at me

"Cannibal fish lady"

"Sorry I'm not a geek." I say without taking my eyes off of what I'm doing

"It's not about geekiness, you actually watched the movie from beginning to end thinking she was a circus fish."

"She had scales. You know what else has scales, Dean?"

"Mutants, moron"

"Fish"

"He's right" Sam says absently

I smirk triumphantly "See? I'm right"

"Nope. Dean's right. You're a moron." Sam says with a quick flick of the brow. I roll my eyes but I don't mind the teasing. It means that they like me.

"Guys, I'm stumped. I have no idea what we're up against."

"We just got here. Something's bound to turn up eventually" I yawn and stretch.

"Yeah, maybe" Dean sighs

I get up from the table, lay on one of the beds, and close my eyes. For a split second I hear a chime like a music box and an image of Reggie bleeding on his knees in front of me rips through my mind. I'm filled with rage and then I'm okay again.

"Night guys" I say and fall asleep.

* * *

Sam and Dean sneak me into the coroner's office after he leaves. Most of the organs from the corpses are in Tupperware containers already so we don't have to do any digging, which I don't mind. It's kind of cool. Dean pushes the container with a heart in it to Sam

"Hey. Be my Valentine?" He says and smirks stupidly

Sam just sighs and ignores him.

"That's what you get when you give your heart away" I cluck

"Tell me about it"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second" Sam says and pulls the container back. It turns out there are identical markings on both of the vic's hearts. They look Enochian so Dean calls up Cas, who appears in front of him within seconds.

"So we get to kill cupid?"

"It's the only way to stop it" Cas says gravely

We get to kill an angel. Maybe if we do this right, it'll be practice for icing those douchebags trying to steal my brothers from me. I blink and I see Lucifer screaming, blood stains his teeth. Michael in Dad's young self is on the floor with his stomach ripped open. I shudder as anger ripples through my body. A chime from the music box plays. I open my eyes and everyone is staring at me.

"You okay?" Sam asks wearily

"Yeah. Can we eat? I'm starving"

* * *

We meet Cupid in an alleyway behind the restaurant where we had dinner. A large naked man scoops me up into his arms and squeezes Dean from behind. He hugs each of us tightly. His soft flesh and chest hair rub against me and I feel like gagging. This is not what I expected of him but he'll certainly be easier to kill. I keep thinking Cas is going to stab him with the blade but he doesn't. It turns out the cupid has nothing to do with the recent deaths, he's just making people fall in love with each other. He says Mary and John were set up by a cupid too so Sam and Dean could be born. Just thinking about it pisses me off. As if I needed anymore proof that Dad didn't love my mother.

* * *

Sam and Dean leave me alone the next day. Sam goes to the coroner and Dean to the police station. They're taking so long. They've been gone for most of the day. I didn't sleep last night. They were all screaming too loud. Even when the blood got so high that it covered their mouths and noses, they screamed. I'm tired and the lack of sleep only makes me angrier. I can hardly sit still in the motel room. I grab my gun, because Dean gets mad when I don't bring a weapon with me, and I go for a walk.

The fresh air helps. I inhale it deeply and let the cool air fill my lungs. I walk until I find a small bridge. I stop and rest my arms over the ledge when I hear them moaning from underneath. I hear them sucking the lips off of each other's face from underneath the bridge. The smacking and squishing assault my ears and I close my eyes tight to shut it out, but all I see is that couple from the morgue eating each other and pretending it's because they're in love. It's disgusting. The music chimes. When I open my eyes I can't take anymore. I walk around the bridge and down the grassy slope to the base of the dried up riverbank. They don't notice me. They're too busy licking each other's faces like dogs. I end their obnoxious slobbering in two swift shots to the skull and they fall to the ground in a heap. Somehow, knowing I saved them from slow painful cannibalistic deaths does nothing for the fury welling inside of me. I walk over to the young couple and set their clothes on fire. My phone rings when the flames begin to consume their bodies.

"_Hey"_ Dean says, _"We're back at the motel, where are you?"_

"I went for a walk."

"_Well get back here, we know what we're dealing with"_

I watch the glow of the fire warms my body. I reach my hand over it. It feels so nice.

"What is it?"

"_Famine. The horseman. It's making everyone starve for things. Love, food, drugs-"_

"Blood" I whisper

"_What?"_

"_I'm coming."_ I say and hang up. Burning flesh smells terrible but it's a small price to pay. They're lucky I saved them. I spared them from such a painful end. How very, very lucky.

* * *

When I get back, Cas has a burger mashed into his face hole and Dean is handcuffing Sam to the bathroom sink.

"Wow. Am I interrupting something?" I grin in the doorway. Dean isn't amused.

"What's with the cuffs?"

"It's not safe for me to go." Sam says, "Famine. Demon blood"

"Yikes. So, I guess only Dean and I are immune to this thing"

"Maybe" Cas narrows his eyes and stalks towards me, "where were you today?"

I take a step back "I went out for a walk"

"Your clothes smell like accelerant."

"What?" Dean squints

"So, where were you?"

If I could, I'd kill him right now. I clench my jaw and glare at him.

"Where were you, Evan?" Dean asks and raises an eyebrow.

Dean cuffs me to the radiator on the other side of the room across from the bathroom where he blocked Sam in.

"Come on, Dean. You're being crazy"

"Maybe" he says as he slips the key into his pocket, "but it'll give me peace of mind until I get back."

"Great. Take Mr. Munchies over there. He looks competent"

"Mr. Munchies is an angel and I know where he's been all day." Dean and the angel leave Sam and me alone.

My arms and wrists ache after a few minutes of hanging from the handcuffs. I let my wrists dangle to give them a rest but the cuffs just dig in. I hear Sam sigh from inside of the bathroom.

"So, what happened? Did you go all vamp on another demon?" I ask

"Nope… So, where were you today?"

"Walking."

"Right. Forgot."

"Yup"

There's an uncomfortable silence that follows but I think he's dropped it.

"You killed someone and burned their body, didn't you?" He blurts out

"What? Why would you think-"

"Yeah that's what I thought."

I frown hard and bang my head against the back wall. Now he thinks I'm really crazy and he's going to tell Dean and they're going to send me back to school. Maybe they'll leave me at Bobby's house so I can't hunt with them anymore. I want to cry.

"Sam?" My voice cracks and wavers when I speak so I clear my throat.

"Yeah."

"Are you mad?"

Silence.

"Don't. Don't tell Dean, okay? Please?"

Silence.

"Sam?" I whimper. I can't help it.

"I won't, Evan." He says quietly

"Promise?"

"…Yeah. Yeah, I promise"

I feel instantly better and heave a sigh of relief.

"It's Famine." He says, "It wasn't your fault."

"Yeah" I say. It is Famine's fault that I had to kill them. He poisoned them so I had to put them out of their misery. I'm so relieved that Sam agrees with me. I love my big brother so much that it tugs at my insides. I try to pull my hands out of the cuffs but they don't budge. It's so frustrating. Infuriating. I scream and yank with all of my strength to break the cuff chain. The metal cuts into my raw burning skin. Blood drizzles from my wrists down my arms.

"Hey! Hey!" Sam shouts at me, "Relax!"

"Ah!" I shout and pull with every ounce of strength against my restraints. I'm so angry that I can't see straight. Music blaring. Why won't these chains break?

"Evan! Stop!" Sam is panting and grunting. Famine's poison is hitting him hard.

I hear the doorknob and I look over just in time to see it turn. A woman walks into the room followed by a man.

"Well well well, what do we have here?" The woman smiles. Her eyes are black.

"Sam?" I shout

"What's going on? Evan?"

The man demon unblocks the bathroom and swings open the door. The lady winks at me "Hang tight, cutie, we'll be right with you"

They walk into the bathroom with Sam and I wonder if they'll be dumb enough to undo Sam's restraints. They are and they pay for it. Sam tackles the lady demon and cuts her neck while the guy tries to get him off but he's no match for doped up Sam. When he's done sucking them dry he breaks me out of my cuffs without even touching them.

"Whoa, Sam!" I gasp at him. He has blood smeared all over his face and I've got it dripping off of my fingertips. It's funny. I guess we're blood brothers.

"Let's go." He says. His voice is deeper now.

"To help Dean?"

He doesn't answer but I can tell that I'm right. We speed down to the restaurant where we ate before.

* * *

I didn't expect him to be so old and fragile looking. He's a horseman but he looks like he can turn to dust at any moment. This is the big bad we have to fight? It's such a waste of time. Before I know it, I'm scream out loud at him. I can feel the blood pumping through my body and making my skin hot as I empty my magazine into his chest.

"Evan, don't!" Sam roars and pushes my arms down. Famine laughs a wheezy cackle.

"Evan Winchester" He breathes, "The angry one. The most frightened. You're so fascinating. There is so much blinding rage inside of you. So much wrath and fear of what will happen when your brothers see you."

Suddenly I'm terrified that Sam and Dean are going to send me away and leave me. My hand finds the bottom of Sam's jacket and clings on. I wish Dean would come closer.

"Hey!" Sam barks, "if you have something to say, say it to me"

"Sam, my sweet little boy. I see you got the snack I sent you"

"You sent?"

"Don't worry. You're not like everyone else. You'll never die from drinking too much. You're the exception that proves the rule. Just the way...Satan wanted you to be. So cut their throats." He says and gestures to the demons around us "Have at them"

Dean seems to spring back into life then, "Sammy, no!"

"Please, be my guest." Famine urges

Sam raises his hand and all of the demons are lifted from their host bodies and gathered in a black cloud on the floor.

"No." Sam says and lowers his hand

"Fine. If you don't want them, then I'll have them." The old man croaks and inhales all of the smoke from the floor. Bad move. Sam couldn't kill Famine with his mind but he was able to pull all of the souls out of that wrinkled bag, killing him. My heartbeat is steady and I don't feel so mad anymore.

I take out my pocketknife and slice off the horseman's finger. He was wrong. I'm not afraid of anything.

* * *

I don't understand why we went straight to Bobby's house at first, but when they throw Sam into the panic room, it becomes clear. Detox.

Castiel tries to cheer up Dean, who is beyond bummed at this point while he stitches and wraps my wrists, but it doesn't help. Dean goes outside right after and leaves me alone with the angel while Sam begs to be let out of the room. I sit on the steps and clean the blood off my blade. My wrists hurt but I won't let Castiel touch them. I can heal on my own.

"Guess you weren't all that much help after all" I say without looking up from my task

"My vessel." He says, "It wasn't strong enough to withstand Famine's influence"

"Well, you know what they say, you are what you wear"

Cas's eyes squint at me but not out of anger. It's as though he's trying to read me.

"You're not fond of me." He says.

"I don't trust you" I shrug

"And yet you called on me to heal you"

"I didn't say you were completely useless. I said I don't trust you. You have my brothers thinking you're some kind of… angel or something" I smirk at my joke

"I am an angel." He says flatly

"You've already betrayed us once, Castiel, angel of the Lord. You'll do it again, and when you do-"

"I gave up everything I had. Everything I was. I rebelled and was cast out of heaven and lost my family" Cas growls, I guess I ruffled his feathers. He towers over me where I sit, "I have done everything for you and your brothers. It's clear where my loyalty lies." He takes a step back, "And though I rebelled, I am still an angel and you are just a boy. I'm not intimidated by you"

I put my knife back in my pocket and walk over to the panic room door. Sam is yelling in agony. As I open the little window and peer inside at my big brother, I hope he remembers to keep his promise.


	33. I Found My Music Box

**Author's Note: Sorry this took so long guys, I'm having a serious case of writer's block. Hope this one isn't too disappointing. **

When Sheriff Jody Mills introduces herself to us in the diner, it's obvious that she immediately isn't a fan of my brothers. I watch her question my brothers from the booth behind them. I can't explain it but I like her. Even when she blows our cover because she knows all about Bobby, I want to be near her. I want to know how it feels wrapped in her arms. She's probably so warm and soft.

"Hey. Let's go." Dean says as he passes by my booth

I wait until they leave before I make a move but she's watching me now. She knows I'm with them. I smile and follow my brothers.

* * *

Death has risen as one of the four horsemen and on his way up, he resurrected a bunch of zombie people.

Bobby's zombie wife makes us apple pies at his house and Bobby begs us not to kill her. He says he loves her and he finally got her back so he wants us to leave her alone. Dean isn't happy about it and wants to kill her but he doesn't make a move because Bobby's pleading. I'll just shoot her on the way out and get it over with. Bobby will be mad at first but zombies are monsters so it has to be done. I can't believe he even wants to bang a zombie lady. Gross.

"And I don't want this one anywhere near a firearm while he's in my house" Bobby says and looks right at me

"What?" I ask through a mouthful of the delicious pie.

"You heard me. Hand it over." He says firmly

"Bobby, I wasn't gonna-"

"Now"

He's not the boss of me and I'm not going to do what he says, until Dean holds his hand out for my gun. I roll my eyes and slap it into Dean's open palm.

"Happy now?"

"Yeah, I am. For the first time in a long time" Bobby says. He's an idiot.

* * *

Sam goes to investigate the rest of town while Dean and I keep an eye on Bobby's zombie lady. She even looks kind of dead while she walks around the kitchen filling it from wall to wall with more pies. She says she can't stop baking and doesn't sleep.

"Must be the excitement." She says

"Or being dead" Dean quips

"I know you don't trust me"

"Why would you say that?"

She smiles knowingly "Come on, Dean. That's why you're here, isn't it? Keeping an eye on me? I know who you are. Just like I know Bobby's not the same mild-mannered scrap dealer I married. You hunt things. I-I'm a thing. I get it."

"So then you know that my brothers and I would never let anything happen to Bobby. That he's like a father to us"

"No he isn't." I quickly correct. Frankly, I'm stunned that he thinks so.

"What do you mean, no he isn't?" Dean says rounding on me, "He practically raised us"

"Uh… no he didn't" I blink hard at him. What the hell is he talking about? "He didn't raise you or Sam and he definitely didn't raise me. You raised me. You practically raised Sam too, if you think about it."

"The man has had our back-"

"So that means he's our father now?"

"It means he saved our asses more than we can count" Dean snarls at me

"That means he's our father?" I scoff incredulously, "boy, Bobby better watch out if your angel friend keeps on trying to help us out because it'll be one nasty custody hearing"

Dean looks like he's about to cuff me over the head, "Okay smartass-" He growls

"Look, boys" Zombie lady interjects, "I don't mean to start a fight. I know how important Bobby is to you and he is lucky to have you looking out for him. But you're not the only one."

Dean still has my gun and it makes me feel useless. I wish I had gone along with Sam instead, because listening to Zombie lady and Dean go on about how much they love Bobby is boring.

"My job is to bring him peace, not pain." She says

Dean nods and signals for us to leave. He looks pissed off as when we get outside. The Zombie lady pushes his buttons more than she does for me, I don't get why she makes him so angry.

"What the hell was that back there?" He asks once we've made some distance from the house.

"I know, right? Do you think they're banging yet? Because… Ew"

Dean rounds on me, his eyes are yellow green slits in the glare of the sunset. I can't tell if he's squinting to glare or shield his eyes from the sun.

"I mean what was up with you, back there"

"What do you-"

"What's your beef with Bobby?"

"I don't have a beef with Bobby, Dean. I just said he's not like a father to us. He's not. Why do you want him to be?"

"After everything he's done for us, you don't consider him family?"

"No?"

Dean shakes his head at me and grumbles, "you're unbelievable"

"You're unbelievable" I shoot back, "You spent your entire life looking up to John and trying to be him, now that he's gone, you have a new dad? What if something happens to Bobby? Is there a list of fall back dads just in case one of them croaks?"

"Shut up" Dean hisses through his teeth

"You've known Castiel for almost a year. Can he be our new brother?"

"I said shut up"

"And you've known Franken bride for almost a full day and she hasn't tried to kill us, if we put our heads together, you can pick out a suitable mother's day card. It can say 'Mary, who?' on the insi-"

A right hook slams into my mouth before I can finish getting the words out and I go spiraling to the ground. It feels like my face was just hit with a pound of bricks and my head is spinning. I taste the blood from my lips, which has already begun to swell and look up at my brother who is staring down at me in horror. He's never hit me before. I'm stunned.

"Ev"

Dean bends down and extends a hand to help me up and I take it. He hoists me up. He looks panicked as he lifts my chin to inspect my face. I cringe and pull away. Not because I'm mad at him, it just hurts.

"I'm sorry, Ev"

He looks afraid to touch me. There's a small pool of blood in my mouth from where my teeth cut the inside of my cheek on impact. I spit it on the floor.

"Ev, I'm sorry." He repeats

"Dean, I'm fine" I say and grin through my split lip. Finally, I'm not the untouchable kid brother. I spit the salty taste from my mouth and laugh. The pain in my lip is worth it. Dean drapes an arm around me. His eyes are wide and full or remorse.

"I said I'm fine, Dean" I say and brush him off. He stares so I nod at him reassuringly and laugh again. "I'm fine. Trust me. How many times have you and Sam slugged each other?"

"Doesn't change the fact. I shouldn't have hit you."

"Aw, shut up, Dean" I snap, "I'm not some wimpy kid who can't take a hit. I've taken a lot worse over the years than your wussy love tap just now. Get over yourself"

Dean furrows his brow at me but he still looks guilty.

"Fine" I say and throw my arms up, "You want to feel better about this? I'll help you"

"Unless you've got a DeLorean in your back pocket-"

I catch Dean with a quick jab to his left eye and he stumbles back. I shake my aching hand and laugh.

"See? Don't feel bad. We're even now"

Dean winces and touches his eye "This is gonna be fun to explain" he grumbles.

* * *

"What happened to you two?" Sam gapes at us.

"Dean and I had a little disagreement and settled it like grownups" I shrug and take the ice pack from the freezer.

"You hit Evan? Dean, he's half your size"

"I'm 5'11 and still growing" I spit at him. I can't believe that he's trying to ruin this for me, "plus, I'm the one who gave him the shiner. Right Dean?"

"What'd you find, Sammy?" Dean asks as he digs through the freezer for another pack.

"Well, we were right not to trust the freakiness going on around here."

"What happened?"

"Erza Jones turned. I was just at her house and she…uh… ate her husband. Guts everywhere."

"We gotta tell Bobby" Dean says and tosses his pack on the table.

"Can I have my gun back now?" I ask. It hurts to speak. He throws my gun to me and we speed back over to Bobby's.

* * *

When the zombies start taking over the town, I stick with Sam during the split up. Partly it's because Dean's surrogate father thing annoys me, but mostly because Sheriff Mills is in trouble because her zombie kid is going to kill her unless we can stop him. By the time Sam busts open the door, Jody's husband is dead and being devoured by the pint-sized monster. Jody is okay. Sam grabs her to bring her outside and I blast the little sucker's head off.

She takes it like a pro and I'm impressed with her. We round everybody we can at the local jail and arm them.

"We should get Dean." I say to Sam after I run out of ammo. Sam relays the message to Jody, who just unloaded a shot into a zombie skill that tore its head in two. She's amazing. When we get to Bobby's place just in time to save Dean and Bobby from a mob of zombies. Dean tells us that Bobby shot Karen on his own and he's in bad shape. He should've just shot her when she walked in the front door and saved himself the anguish.

Bobby says that Death sent Karen after him because he wanted him out of he way. He thinks that he's one of the reasons that Sam's saying no to Lucifer. It was a stupid plan. If they wanted to pull at our heartstrings, they should've brought back someone who actually meant something to us, not Bobby's dead wife.

* * *

I'm up earlier than my brothers because they were up all night drinking. When I come back with their coffee, I'm immediately wrenched through the door and thrown to the ground by a man holding a ski mask. Two men are standing in front of my brothers with shotguns pointing at them.

"Evan!"

"Shut up" The guy in front of Sam says

"Are we being robbed?" I ask

"I said shut up"

"Come on guys, you really about to do this in front of a kid?" Dean says from the other bed

"We know about him. He's no kid"

"Walt, maybe we should take him outside or something." The other man says

"So he can go get help? No. This ends now" Walt pumps his gun and aims it at Sam.

"No, don't" I gasp

"Wait. Hear me out" Sam says before he's blasted away. All I can hear is ringing in my ears from the blast. My brother lays dead in blood and feathers. There's some muffled words being exchanged for a moment and then there's another blast. I look over in time to see Dean fall back into his bed. I can't feel my legs as I stand but I'm walking. They tell me to get back and it sounds like I'm underwater. I have my knife in my hand and then it's jammed in Walt's throat. There's another blast.

* * *

"That's the big dipper" She says and extends one long painted finger towards the sky.

"How can you tell?"

She traces the stars in the air "It kind of looks like a bear. See?"

I squint my eyes "Not really"

"I love dark nights like this, all of the stars can be seen."

"It's beautiful." I say and she moves in closer to me. Her soft hair drapes over my arm and her forehead touches the bottom of my chin.

"It is. We're just tiny little specs in our universe, smaller than dust particles going for a ride in this infinite space. Maybe somewhere galaxies away from here, there's a little you and a little me looking up into the same sky"

"You think so?"

"Maybe"

"Well if there is another me out there, someone better tell him to get his hands off of my girl"

"What? I'm not enough for you?" Haydn huffs and pushes me softly. Everything about her is so soft. I turn my head so I can look into her eyes.

"You're the only one I'll ever love"

"We'll always be together" She whispers and presses her lips to mine.

"Evan" I hear someone calling in the distance

"Did you hear something?" I ask her but she doesn't say anything. She stares up at the stars.

"Evan" I hear again. It's Sam's voice. I sit up but Haydn doesn't seem to notice. She's still smiling. Sam and Dean are standing at the street corner. I hurry over to them and leave Haydn on the grass alone. She doesn't even realize I'm gone.

"Sam? Dean? What are you doing here? What's going on?"

"They killed you" Dean hisses through his teeth, "those sons of bitches killed you too"

"Killed me? What are you talking about?"

"You're dead, Evan" Sam says, "This is heaven. We're all dead"

"We died and went to heaven? Really?"

"We're just as shocked as you are. I guess hell isn't the one with a road paved with good intentions"

"Wow. I can't believe I died. Wow. How do I know you guys are real?"

"Cas showed me how to find you guys" Dean says and peers over my shoulder, "Who's the chick?"

"Oh. That's Haydn."

"Your girlfriend from that summer when I died?" His eyes narrow

"Yeah"

Dean looks at Sam angrily and then back at me.

"Unbelievable." He grumbles

"What's his deal?" I ask Sam and he just sighs

"Can we get going please?" Dean snaps and starts down the road.

"What about Hay-"

"She's not real" Sam says, "come on"

I look back at her and she's still watching the stars.

"I'm sorry, Haydn" I whisper and leave with my brothers.

* * *

We walk right into Dean's memories. We're inside of his old house and he's wearing baby clothes while Mary feeds him pie and argues with John on the phone. Then we're back in mine. We're in my Mom's house and I'm upstairs in the hallway. My mother is standing in the doorway talking to someone outside.

"You won't even let me see my son?" I hear Dad's voice from outside

"No, John. You're sick. You need help"

"You can't do this. I came all the way down here for his birthday"

"Well, I'm sorry you wasted a trip for nothing… I'm serious John, if you come here again, I'll call the cops"

"What are you going to tell him when he asks about his father?"

"The truth. That you wanted to see him and I made you go away, that way he'll love you and hate me. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Maggie-"

"I think you should go"

"Mags… Can I at least say goodbye to him?"

"I don't think that's a good idea"

"It's his birthday"

"He's one, John. He'll live. I'll give him your present for you."

"I just want to see him"

"…Goodbye, John" She says and shuts the door before turning to me and smiling.

"Wow" Dean blinks, "that was harsh"

She walks up the stairs and kisses my head, then takes my hand and brings me to my room. There's a bag in her hand. She reaches inside and pulls out a music box.

"Happy Birthday, sweetheart" She says and opens the lid. Beautiful Dreamer begins to chime.

"I think we should go" Sam says to Dean

"Yeah"

I feel a tug on my arm begin to pull me away but Mom doesn't see me. She just stares blankly at the box, humming along to the tune.

I remember now.

The music box was tipped over during the struggle on the night my mother was killed. It chimed softly, barely audible over the other sounds, in the distance like background music. My music box. Dad's gift to me on my first birthday.

Sam's hand is gentle but firm as he pulls me away with some urgency.

"Don't listen to it." He says. "Cover your ears. Hum" He orders eagerly but I ignore him. Dean found the next road anyway and the music stops when we reach it.

* * *

It leads us to an old shack.

"Is this Flagstaff?" Dean asks Sam accusingly as Sam pets a dog.

"What's Flagstaff?" I ask

"You wouldn't remember. It was before Dad got you"

"Yeah" Sam says

"This was a good memory for you?" Dean's eyes narrow in disbelief. Sam doesn't seem to notice. He's happy.

" Yeah. I mean, I was on my own for two weeks. I lived on Funyuns and Mr. Pibb.

"Wow."

"What?"

"Well, you don't remember, do you? You ran away on my watch. I looked everywhere for you. I thought you were dead. And when Dad came home…"

Dean goes quiet but we all know that Dad would've torn Dean to pieces for losing Sam.

"Dean, look, I'm sorry. I never thought about it like that"

"Forget it, let's roll"

* * *

We rush right through the next one. Dean and Sam toss a ball to me and I try to hit it with a bat. I miss.

I want to stay and watch it but we don't have time.

The next place isn't much better. It's the night Sam left for Stanford. I remember this one. This night sucked.

"Seriously? I mean this is a happy memory for you?"

"I don't know. I mean, I was on my own. I finally got away from Dad."

"Yeah, he wasn't the only one you got away from."

"Dean, I'm sorry. I just, uh…"

"I know. You didn't, you didn't think of it like that."

"Dean!"

"C'mon! Your heaven is somebody else's Thanksgiving. Okay. It's bailing on your family. What do you want me to say?"

"Dean, come on, chill" I say

"And you" He says throwing his hands up at me, "Your heaven was the summer I was dead!"

"My first heaven was a nice time I had with a girl I like, Dean. The second one was my mother giving me a birthday gift and the third one was all three of us! Who knows what the others are like? Those are two of my favorite memories out of thousands."

Dean rolls his eyes.

"What was your first heaven, Dean? Was I in it?"

He doesn't look at me.

"Probably not, right? But if we followed these roads all day, I'm sure we'd find a bunch. I don't know how this place is wired but I would've liked to see more of your greatest hits."

"Yeah, Dean" Sam says enthusiastically

"It's just that…we're supposed to be a team. It's supposed to be us against the world, right?" Dean huffs

"Dean, it is!"

"Is it?"

"Of course." I say as a giant searchlight beams down on us. Dean reaches out and yanks me forward.

"Go! Go!" He shouts and we all run for the woods. There aren't many places to hide but we duck behind a log and catch our breath. Footsteps approach us and a man begins to talk. I don't recognize his voice.

"Wow" He says, "Running from angels. On foot. In heaven. With out-of-the-box thinking like that, I'm surprised you boys haven't stopped the apocalypse already."

Suddenly it's daytime.

"Guys, what's the problem? I just want to send you back to Earth, that's all… I mean, that is, after I tear you a cosmos of new ones. You're on my turf now, boys. And by the time I'm through with you, you're going to be begging to say yes"

Sam taps my leg and we start running again. The man appears in front of us. He's old and balding. He's smiling.

"Guys, c'mon. You can run but you can't run." He looks over at me and crinkles his brow. Dean grabs my arm and we start running again in the other direction.

This time a different man heads us off. He puts a finger to his lips.

"Shh. Hurry! This way!"

We follow him into a wooden shack and follow him in.

* * *

It's a bar inside. Dean and Sam call the man Ash. He's the one that died in the fire at the roadhouse. I grin to myself, after all these years, the irony of name and his death are still funny. His mullet is funny too. He definitely has a style of his own.

I had never been to the Roadhouse, but it was good enough to be this guy's heaven. He tells us that there are billions of heavens out there. He's a super genius so he can travel from place to place and visit others.

"I don't think we met yet, hombre" He says and extends a hand. I shake it.

"Evan Winchester"

"Nice to meet you, Evan. Sorry you got yourself killed"

"I don't hate it" I shrug

"Yeah, we lucked out on this one getting up here" Dean says and I frown. What's that supposed to mean?

"So have you found anyone else?" Sam asks changing the subject quickly, "Ellen and Jo?"

I feel a wave of fire sweep through me and that it's gone. I don't know where that came from. I feel fine. I wonder if my mother is up here somewhere. Maybe her heaven has me in it.

"Pamela!" Sam says and suddenly Pam is in the room with us. She's not wearing glasses. I guess she got her eyes back after dying.

I hang out with Ash and Sam while Dean and Pam play catch up. He's talking about a lot of technical things I don't understand but Sam seems to follow.

"It sounds confusing, but they just probably haven't gotten to that in your grade yet" He says to me

"I don't go to school" I say and grab a beer from behind the counter.

"No? Right on" Ash nods without judgment

"We tried to get him to go but it was more trouble than it was worth and there were a lot of things going on." Sam explains with a sigh

"Yeah, a lot of things" I repeat feeling mildly annoyed. "What with Sam dying, Dean selling his soul, Dean dying, Sam ditching me, Dean coming back and both of them trying to kill each other for the better half of a year; school wasn't at the top of my priority list. Just trying to keep my place in the storyline."

"It's been rough all around" Sam sulks

* * *

Ash helps us find a shortcut to wherever it is we're going, I don't know. Some garden to talk to an angel about where to find God and Dean makes out with Pam. She shoots me a wink before we leave. She's happier dead than alive and I can see why. Her life sucked. I follow my big brothers out of the bar and then suddenly we're in Sam and Dean's old house in Kansas. Mary comes out of nowhere. She's older than she was when we went back in time. This is the Mary I remember from pictures.

"Honey, why are you up?" She asks Den

"Look, I'm sorry. I love you but you're not real and we don't have time-"

"Did you have another nightmare? Tell me"

"I gotta go"

"Then how about I tell you my nightmare, Dean? The night I burned"

Suddenly her stomach starts bleeding all over her clothes.

"Dean, I think they found us" I say and grab him

"Let's get out of here"

"Don't you walk away from me." She snaps and Dean actually stops walking.

"I never loved you. You were my burden. I was shackled to you" She says and her eyes turn yellow.

"Dean!" I shout but he's already making that whiny face he makes whenever he listens to bad guys say mean things to him.

"Clam up lady!" I yell at her. I move to push her but Sam grabs me.

"She's not real. We have to get out of here"

We look for a way out but everything is boarded up without exits. Mary keeps messing with Dean.

"Everyone leaves you, Dean. You noticed? Mommy. Daddy. Even your own brothers. You ever ask yourself why? Maybe it's not them. Maybe, it's you."

The man from the woods steps out from behind her and laughs.

"You did this" Sam spits at him

"And I'm just getting started. I mean, guys. Did you really think you could just sneak past me into Mission Control?"

"You son of a bitch"

"You know, I'd say the same thing about you, Sam, but I have actually grown quite fond of your mother. Or at least the Blessed Memory of her." He says and kisses Mary's neck. I feel like I'm going to gag.

"I think we're going to be logging a lot of quality time together. I've discovered she's quite the... MILF."

"You can gloat all you want, you dick, you're still bald." Dean growls

"In heaven, I have six wings and four faces, one of whom is a lion. You see this because you're limited" He snaps his fingers and Mary disappears.

"Well we're all really impressed, guy. Big scary angel man tries to take us down with 'yo mama' jokes." I grin

"Not your 'mama'" He says and smiles brightly, "I don't have an issue with you, Evan. In fact, I've been anxious to meet you. Why do you think you're here?"

"What are you talking about?" Dean growls and inches in front of me

"I'm talking about Evan being here in the first place. You didn't think he earned it himself, did you? I paved the way so that if we died, which all of you do, he'd be right here"

"That sounds pretty lazy" I frown

"You weren't top priority. Sorry, kid. But I'd love to have a chat with you as soon as possible, champ"

"Am I a vessel?"

"Nice try asshat, you're gonna have to go through me first" Dean snarls at him.

"Oh, I plan to" Zachariah says and begins to walk over. Just then a man appears behind him. He says he needs to speak with us. I think this is the guy we've been looking for.

* * *

It's all a big waste of time. The angel's name is Joshua and he talks to God. Joshua tells us that God knows what's happening, but he just doesn't care. Then he sends us back to the motel room. Walt is on the ground, dead in a pool of his own blood.

"What the-"

Sam and Dean's eyes widen and they stare at me.

"I can't believe the guy just left him there" I tsk.

Cas shows up a few seconds later. He doesn't like the news Sam tells him about Joshua. He's broken when he gives Dean's amulet back.

"It's worthless" He says and disappears.

"And I thought you guys had daddy issues".

They don't laugh. Everyone is so down right now and I don't get it. We just died, went to heaven, and came back. Was anyone really expecting God to come out of nowhere and save the day like he's never done before?

"We'll find another way" Sam says, "We can still stop all this, Dean"

"How?"

"I don't know but we'll find it."

Dean doesn't answer him. He looks at Sam and me, grabs his bags and walks out, tossing the necklace in the trash as he went. Sam takes a minute but eventually follows without saying a word.

I reach in, take the amulet from the bin, and run over the small face with my thumb. Everyone thinks this thing is worthless just because we can't use it for a purpose. We didn't know it had a purpose before and we still kept it. Who are they to determine its worth? I slip it into my pocket. I'm tired of things being thrown away and forgotten once we don't have a use for it anymore. This is mine now.

I wonder what my other heavens are like. I really miss Haydn and it was weird seeing my mom. I won't let myself forget her face again.


	34. It's No Big Deal

When Zachariah shows up in my dream, I know that he's coming before he shows. The dream was too serene and calming. I've never had a dream about lying alone in a meadow watching clouds before. I sit up and look around. He shows up next to me and my breath hitches.

"I knew it"

"Hey there, kiddo. Sorry, didn't mean to startle ya"

"Sorry I can't kill you" I shrug

"Okay, a little hostility is to be expected after the disagreements I've had with your brothers. But as you may remember, my problem is not with you"

"If you have a problem with them, you have a problem with me. I think you know that"

"Of course. You're a Winchester. You have infallible loyalty by blood. But you're still not quite the same as them, are you?"

"I'm a little shorter than they are. What do you want from me?"

"I want to talk. I have a point, will you listen?" He snaps at me, "Your brothers are willing to sacrifice everything to save the world some casualties of war. They'll do anything to 'save the planet', even risk their own lives for complete strangers. They're standing for a purpose that doesn't even exist, Evan. Protecting the scum of the universe-"

"Wow" I whisper

"What is it?"

"I just… Wow. I just really don't care. It's amazing"

"This is why I wanted to talk to you" He grins, "you don't care. None of this matters to you. These people, the world… I've seen you kill in cold blood without batting an eye. None of it matters to you. Nothing, except for your brothers."

"Are you threatening me?"

"Quite the contrary. I'm offering you a deal. If you cooperate with me, I can promise you that I will keep them safe forever. Well, one of them. Whichever one is left."

"I'm a vessel"

"Ding ding ding" He laughs, "there's that famous Winchester brain at work. Hunting is dangerous business. People get killed all the time. You of all people know that, but you can change that. I won't talk down to you or try to trick you, so I won't say that you'll survive. But when you die, you'll go back to heaven and you get full VIP treatment. Whatever your heart desires. Girls, booze, junk food, and, because I like you, I'll throw in a bonus." He pauses and grins. He's so proud of himself.

"Your Mom" He says. "I know where she is and you can have her back. Forever."

"You know where she is?"

"Yup"

"Let me see her"

"Slow down there" He chuckles, "the spoils come after-"

"Let me see her right now or we're done talking"

His face contorts into its usual outraged glare "This is not a negotiation."

"These are conditions" I glare back, "if you want me to talk about this with you, I want to see her right now"

"After you say yes"

"Never mind, then. Can I wake up now?"

"You'd really miss out on seeing your mother over this?"

"I haven't seen my mom since I was four, douchebag. I can live without her"

"Then why are you so insistent on seeing her right now?"

"Because that's how I do business. You make me happy and I consider your offer"

He's angry for a while but then he smiles.

"Fine. Let's do business. But if we do this, I'm going to need some kind of answer from you now. Even if it's not an official yes"

"I think you know which way I'm leaning. That should be enough"

"It's not. I'm not an idiot, Evan. I can make your life a living hell if I want to."

"If you want me to trust you, this is it."

He stares at me for a moment, reading my face for sincerity, and then nods.

"You have two minutes." He says and disappears.

* * *

I'm standing in a bright white and gold room when my mother walks in. She looks different than she did in my dreams; more real. Her hair is high up in a ponytail, dark makeup outlines her eyes, her lips are red, her eyes are not quite blue. She gasps when she sees me and slowly starts over.

"Evan?" She breathes in a familiar voice that sends shivers up my spine.

"Mom? How do I know this is you?"

"Are you real?" She whispers and touches the side of my face with soft fingertips. Her eyes well with tears and I press my head in her palm. She's shorter than me.

"Evan, you're so big. My baby" She says softly as tears run down her face.

"I'm fifteen, now" I smile. "This is really you?"

She nods, "I can't believe it. Wait, are you dead?" She gasps

"No. A guy I know pulled a few strings so I could see you"

She pulls me close. I can feel her tears seeping through my shirt and on to my chest. I stroke her thick hair.

"Evan, what happened?" She asks when she breaks the embrace, "I have so many questions. What happened?"

"You were killed by some jerk who used to stalk you at your job. Then John came and took me in"

"John Winchester?"

"Yeah. They contacted him and then he came to get me after the funeral"

My mom shuts her eyes hard and rubs them. "Oh no."

"It's okay, Mom. Turns out I had two older brothers. They're real nice. You'd like them"

"John raised you?"

"No. He died when I was like twelve. My brothers have taken care of me since then. They're way older than me."

"And you're happy?" She smiled hopefully, "you do well in school?"

"Were you a bartender, Mom?"

"You remember that?"

"I remember a lot of things"

"You were so small" She sighs, "You were there, weren't you? When it happened?"

"Yeah. But I don't want to talk about that, Mom. I just want to know everything. How did you meet John, what do you like, everything"

She laughs and shrugs, "Okay, we'll alternate questions. That way we can find out about each other"

I pull out a seat for her at the enormous table and beside her.

"I met John one night at the bar. I wasn't even supposed to be working that night but my friend called in and asked for a favor. John came in and started talking to me and we just sort of hit it off. That was so long ago. I don't even think my hair was the same color"

"Was it blonde?" I ask flatly

"I think it was, actually. How did you know?"

"Just a guess."

"Well, a few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with you and he rushed over. He seemed so normal." She clucks and shakes her head. "Were you two close?"

"No. Did you love him?"

"Would you be too disappointed if I said no?"

"I'd be more disappointed if you said yes" I smile.

"John was nice, but he was troubled. I never thought he would take you. I'm just happy that you turned out fine" She beams and touches my face, "You're so handsome"

"You should see my brothers"

"You'd still be my favorite. I'd trade anything in the world to be with you" She frowns and I remember that our time is almost up.

"What's your heaven like?"

"I'm eighteen years old, on a beach with my first boyfriend, Kyle." She smiles nostalgically, "If I didn't move away, we would've still been together now, probably. If I could change one thing in my life, I'd have never moved."

Wow. Her ideal world would be one where I never even would've existed. I feel my stomach drop. I want to cry but I know it doesn't register on my face because she just smiles sweetly at me. Neither of my parents wanted me. I hate them.

"Did they ever catch the guy who… killed me?"

"No. I did though"

"What? What do you mean?" Her shock and fear makes me smile.

"I found him, tortured him, and killed him, Mom, for you."

"You-"

"Killed him. I killed him. Then a friend of the family burned his body to ash so nobody could find him again. All for you, Mom."

Her face is ashen now. I feel my fist clench and unclench. I did all of that for her and she didn't want me either.

"That's one thing I did learn from dear old Dad. How to kill a monster."

"Why are you saying this?"

"Because there's not a lot of time left. You probably won't remember this conversation either so I'll just let you know now; you can have your perfect heaven where you're free of me-"

"That's not what I meant"

"It was great seeing you, Mom. It's been enlightening" I say and stand

"Will you shut up a minute?" She snaps, "You're a spoiled little brat aren't you? I bled for you. Do you remember that? I gave up my whole life to take care of you. Bartending was a night job before I got pregnant with you, not a career. I loved you." She says and holds my face in her hands. "I loved you with my dying breath. Don't you dare think otherwise."

"I think you resented me" I say, it's getting harder to keep my voice steady

"You are such an angry child." She clucks, "what did John do to you?"

"Nothing. I guess-" I say as a tear runs down my face, "I guess anger and self-pity is just genetic"

Her face tightens then and I remember seeing this face many times before.

"Time's up, Champ" Zachariah says as he comes up behind her.

"Bye Mom" I say softly and she disappears in a snap.

"So, what'll it be? You want the royal treatment? Or do you never want to see your mother again?"

I take a step back from him, wipe my eyes on my sleeve, and smile.

"Keep her."

Zachariah's face contorts and reddens. I laugh.

"We had a deal" He spits, "Do you think that Sam and Dean actually care about you? If they have to choose between each other and you, do you really think they'd choose you? Have they ever done that before?"

"That wasn't even my Mom, was it? What, are you trying to break my spirit? Make me feel like nobody cares so that I'll agree to do this? Give my life some purpose?" I laugh again. I hope I'm right, but I won't let him know how unsure I am.

"I don't have to make you feel anything. All I have to do is put you in a room with your family for a few minutes and they'll tell you themselves. You don't want to cross me, Evan. It's not going to end well for you. I will make your life one big walking nightmare"

I spread my arms and shrug. _You're joining a program already in progress, douchebag_.

"Bring it on, Baldy"

* * *

Sam taps my foot and tells me it's time to go. I just get out of the bed, go into the bathroom and lock to door. I feel so crushingly empty that it's hard to breathe in anything but shallow gasps. I turn on the shower so my brothers won't hear me. As soon as I step into the running water, the tears begin to flow. I sit down in the tub and let the shower the water fall on my head while I cry into my knees. I don't know why I feel this way but the pain of it burns so hard inside of me that I start to shake. I hear a knock at the door.

"You going for a swim in there?" Dean calls to me and I hold my breath, not trusting myself to speak without crying out.

"Come on, Ev. Let's get the lead out"

I hear him move away and I bit my lip to hold back the cries building up inside of me. That wasn't her. Zachariah tricked me. My mom loved me. She died for me. That wasn't my mom.

By the time I step out of the shower, I'm already feeling better. I feel fine, actually. I don't bother drying my hair off and just yank my clothes onto my damp body. I open up the door before Dean knocks again. He looks quizzically at me.

"I thought you drowned in there. You okay?"

"Fine. Why?"

"Your eyes are red"

"Yeah. I think I was allergic to the fabric softener in the bedding or something. We ready?"

"Yeah. Sam's outside" Dean says and furrows his brow, "You sure you're okay, man?"

"Feel fine" I shrug, "come on. Sam's waiting"

* * *

I'm not the only one lost in my thoughts on the car ride. Soft sounds of Metallica play over the silence between us. I wonder if somehow they know everything that happened last night and they're just waiting for me to tell them, but that's impossible. I should tell them about Zachariah before he shows up and tells them himself, but I just don't feel like talking over the music. When we stop for lunch, Sam tries to make small talk about some thing he read online about dogs. Dean isn't interested although he pretends to be. Sam stops talking and eats the cheeseburger he didn't want.

The wind is nice against my face. A family of four sits in the table across from ours. A boy a little older than me looks over at me and smiles. His hair is short and reminds me that I need a haircut soon, even though I like the way it feels when the wind breezes through it.

"Making friends already?" Dean asks with a grin

"What?"

"You and hungry eyes over there." He says with a quick eye flick in the other guy's direction.

"You're just jealous that people like me better than you. Do you think I should cut my hair?"

"You mean your bird's nest?"

"I kind of like it" Sam shrugs

"Big surprise" Dean huffs. "Why aren't you eating?" He asks me

I didn't even realize that I haven't taken a bite of my food yet. "Can we take this to go? I'm not hungry yet. Hey, Dean, when are you gonna let me drive?"

"Let you drive baby?" He scoffs, "last time I let someone underage drive my car, it ended up ass deep in a pile of trash. No thanks"

"Really? You're putting me on the same level as the creep?"

"Maybe some other time"

"Some other time before or after the world ends?"

Dean rolls his eyes hard and throws the wrapper of his burger down on the table. He reaches into his pocket and tosses me the keys.

* * *

The first night I drive the Impala we're ambushed by a gang of demons. I can't steer past them or through them because they surround us so densely on all sides. Sam and Dean get out of the car and fight a few of them off until Sam yells out in pain. Dean splashes some holy water in his direction and the demon that hurt Sam howls and steams as they rush back into the car. Dean and Sam push me into the middle as they climb inside and then we floor it.

"What the hell was that? What's going on?"

We don't get far before we see a burning building in front of us and we're ambushed again. This time, we're all dragged out of the car by demons. As my back is slammed against the hard concrete floor in front of a demon, a fire truck pulls up and some men begin to chant an exorcism. All the demons vanish in a puff of black smoke. One of the men tells us that this is the apocalypse and we should go back to town with them to be safe.

As they show us around their uncomfortably religious, strict town, I feel like any opportunity to talk about what happened last night is long gone now. It's probably not all that important anyway.


	35. He's Not My Brother

_**Author's note: Sorry I've been gone for so long guys. I was in the hospital :(. I'm back now though and feeling better! I hope you enjoy**_

* * *

I'm not the only one with secrets. After the Dean kills the whore of Babylon, he hightails out of town and just leaves Sam and me stranded at the motel. After a few hours pass Sam stops trying to call him. He shuts his phone hard in frustration.

"Damn it!"

"Where do you think he went?" I ask absently

"I don-I-uh" He stares at me, "Are you knitting?"

I look down at the crochet needle and yarn Jane gave me a little while ago, "Jane taught me how to crochet a little bit before everything went crazy. Now, when it gets cold in the wintertime we'll have blankets for the Impala. Pretty neat, huh?"

"I didn't know you were so domestic" He blinks

"Domestic?" I roll my eyes back at him, "who do you think patches the holes in your socks and clothes when you guys rip them? Elves? Or does all of our laundry for that matter… or sharpens polishes and the knives, cleans the guns, or makes new salt rounds? Did you guys think that stuff magically restocked itself? I'm starting winter gear for the car now so that when the cold rolls around, we won't be freezing our asses off again like we do every year. You call it domestic. I call it being prepared."

"I'm worried about him. I don't know what he's thinking…"

"Thinking he might say yes to Michael?"

Sam sighs and shakes his head, "I don't know"

"Hey, Sam"

"Yeah?"

"You ever think about what it'd be like if we were full brothers instead of just half?"

He frowns "Wouldn't make a difference. You're just as much my brother as Dean. I mean, would it change anything for you?"

"No. I was just thinking that maybe Dad would've visited me in the hospital before giving himself up to yellow eyes"

"Dad visited you. You were just sleeping-"

"Should I make these all different colors? What color do you want? Green?"

"Dad loved you. He was a hard ass but he loved all of us"

He's doing it again. That voice he uses when he's trying to get through to me. I ignore it.

"Do you know what Dean said to Bobby's zombie wife? He said that Bobby was like a father to us" I laugh

"Well… I can see where he's coming from…"

"…What?" I stop crocheting and look at him

"We spent a lot of time with Bobby growing up. He looked after us a lot, still does"

"Well I wish someone would give me notice next time I'm being put up for adoption!" I snap

"Calm down. Why are you so upset?"

"You guys are freaking unbelievable, that's why! Is that how easy it is to replace someone in this family? All they have to do is hang around a while and not kill us?"

"What is your deal about Bobby?" He shouts at me

"I don't give a crap about Bobby! He's not my dad!"

"We never said he was! We said he was like a father, Evan. It's not like he's Dad."

"I never had one, though!" I cry out. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes but the strange thing is that I don't feel sad. I don't know where that outburst came from. Still, I let Sam wrap his arms around me. I cry into his shirt and he forgets about Dean for a while. I'm so happy. We order pizza and watch movies. I ask Sam about Dean before we go to sleep and he says he'll try calling again but he's sure it's all okay.

"Goodnight, Sam"

"Night, Evan."

* * *

Dean doesn't come back in the morning. Sam says that he spoke to him and that he's safe but we have to catch up with him before he does something stupid.

"Stupid like what?"

"Like kill himself." Sam says as we speed down the highway in the clunker Sam hotwired.

A shiver runs through my body, "Why would he do that?"

"I don't know." He says more to himself than to me

"Why is he always doing this to me?" I whisper, "why is he always so ready to leave me alone?"

"He's not going anywhere"

"Did he say where he was last night?"

"No, but he was at Lisa's"

"Who?"

"It's this woman, she has a son a little younger than you. She's important to him. He went to say goodbye"

"Is he going to say goodbye to every girl he's banged, because if so, that'll buy us a lot of time to catch up." It's a joke. Kind of… Sam doesn't laugh.

"She's different." He says. I don't know how. Dean never talks about her. "We have to stop him."

"We could lock him in the panic room. That's what he'd do to you. Even though I guess we probably won't be able to trick him like we trick you every time"

He shoots me a look and sighs, "We're not going to lock him up. Just need to talk some sense into him."

* * *

We catch up with him at a motel at night. By now, Sam and I both know what signs to look for when it comes to Dean. A few of his favorite places to eat, some stops where we all had a good time, and finally this motel.

"What's so special about this place?" I ask Sam when we park

"This is where we were when Dad brought you home for the first time" He says. I'm stunned.

"Come on" He calls and I follow him inside, shocked that this place holds so much meaning that both of my brothers remember it after all this time, and that this is the last stop on Dean's trip. When we get inside there are boxes all over the place, sealed shut with tape. Dean's drinking straight from the bottle.

"Sending someone a candy-gram?" Sam asks as we move up from behind him

"How'd you find me?" He asks gruffly

"You're going to kill yourself, right? It's not too hard to figure out the stops of the Farewell Tour. How's Lisa doing, anyways?"

"I'm not going to kill myself."

"You're about to say 'yes' to Michael, Dean. That's the same thing. How could you do that?" I glare

"You don't understand"

"I'd never do this to you"

"You're not in my position." He almost pleads, but with less emotion than that. He's not even trying. I press my lips into a thin line.

"I'm just trying to do what's right, little guy. Don't hate me for it"

"But I am in your position, Dean." Sam says "Just… Please. Not now. Bobby is working on something."

"Oh, really? What?"

I don't feel like begging him anymore. I didn't want to drag Castiel into this earlier but now I wish Sam would just call him in already and knock Dean out. He's irritating. He's weak. He's selfish. He's a goddam brat, is what he is. Dean says something biting about demon blood that I don't quite hear but it makes me want to punch him in his throat. I don't have to. Castiel shows up just then and knocks him out. We all go to Bobby's study.

* * *

The next day Dean wakes up and continues being a cynical jerk right on cue.

"Can't we just lock him in the panic room?" I groan loudly and he turns and looks at me irritably.

"No" Sam says firmly

"You can't give up, son." Bobby says encouragingly to Dean

"You're not my father. And you ain't in my shoes" He snaps back. Now he says it. I roll my eyes. I'm bored of his melodrama. I slip on my jacket and go outside. Maybe I should have said yes instead. That would've knocked their freaking pants off wouldn't it?

"Is this what you were talking about Zachariah?" I scream into the air. "Is this the hell you were talking about? Or have you forgotten about me too?" I throw my hands out. "I'm ready to talk now! Zach?"

"Evan!" Sam shouts at me from the doorway and my heart feels like it gets lodged in my throat. "What?"

"Come inside, quick" He pants

"What's wrong?"

"It's Adam. Our brother… He's alive. He's here"

* * *

I don't run inside after Sam. I walk. Slowly. Adam is back… Was that Zachariah's answer? Sending Adam back? I lean against the wall and cross my arms across my chest while Sam tries to introduce himself.

"Yeah" Adam interrupts, "And I'm sure that's Dean, and that's Evan" He says looking at Dean and me. "I know who you are"

"How?"

"They warned me about you"

"Who did?" Dean asks

"The angels." Adam says shortly. He has an attitude on him that I don't care for. "Now where the hell is Zachariah?"

So it was Zachariah. That little bastard knows exactly how to piss me off.

* * *

"Why don't you just tell us everything, Adam?" Dean asks, "Start from the beginning"

"Well, I was dead and in heaven. 'Cept it-it uh, kinda looked like my prom and I was making out with this girl, her name was Kristin McGee-"

"Yeah, that sounds like heaven." Dean smirks, "Did you get to third base?"

"Oh yeah, Adam. We're all very interested in your heaven prom date. What color was her nail polish? Go ahead. We have time" I wink

Sam and Dean both stop and stare at me.

"Sorry, Adam. Just keep going" Sam says

"Uh–" Adam blinks hard as if my comment threw him way off track and now he had to think hard about where he left off, "well, these…these angels, they popped out of nowhere, and they tell me that I–I'm chosen."

"For what?"

"To save the world"

"How you gonna do that?" Dean asks

"Oh, me and some archangel are going to kill the devil" He says casually. I can't get over how special this guy thinks he is.

"What archangel?" Dean asks

"What archangel do you think, Dean?" I interject

"Michael." Adam answers anyway. "I'm his uh, sword or vessel or something, I don't know."

"Well, that's insane" Dean scoffs

"Not necessarily" Cas says

"How do you mean?"

"Maybe they're moving on from you, Dean"

"Well that doesn't make sense"

"He is John Winchester's bloodline, Sam's brother. It's not perfect, but it's possible."

"Well you gotta be kidding me"

"Why would they do this?" Sam gapes.

Wow. That's why I haven't heard from Zachariah. He doesn't care about me at all. He just moved on. That's why he never came after me.

"Maybe their desperate" Cas says bitterly, "maybe they wrongly assumed Dean would be brave enough to withstand them"

"Alright, you know what? Blow me, Cas." He snaps

Sam shakes his head. "Look, no way. After everything that's happened? All that crap about destiny? Suddenly the angels have a plan B? Does that smell right to anybody? And why bring someone back from the dead? Why not try to use Evan?"

Everyone in the room falls silent and turns to me. I stay silent.

"Did they?" Dean squints

"Did they…"

"Did they come to you" He says sharply

I pout my lip and shake my head, "I-"

"They did!" Sam accuses and starts towards me, "When did this happen? Evan, how could you not tell us?"

Everyone is angry at me all of a sudden like I've done something wrong. "Jeez, Sam will you calm down? Your dead brother is suddenly back to life right in front of you! What's the point of being angry over something stupid?"

"Something stupid?" His eyes are blazing now, "The apocalypse is coming now and you're keeping secrets? What's wrong with you?"

"You're un-freaking-believable" Dean growls

"What did I do?"

"You know this has been a really moving family reunion" Adam interrupts loudly and rises from the couch, "but uh, I got a thing, so-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no,. Sit down. Just listen, okay?"

"It's unbelievable" He rolls his eyes

"Adam, the angels are lying to you. They're full of crap"

"Yeah, I don't think so. "

"Oh yeah, Adam. Because you know everything"

"Shut. Up. Evan." Sam hisses. It looks like a blood vessel in his neck is about to burst. "Adam, they're going to roast half the planet"

"They said the fight might get pretty hairy, but it is the devil, right? So we got to stop him"

"Yeah, but there's another way"

"Great. What is it?"

"We're working on the power of love" Dean says

"How's that going?"

"Mm. Not good"

"Look, Adam" Sam starts. His tone is much softer when talking with this complete stranger. "You don't know me from a hole in the wall, I know. But I'm begging you. Please, just trust me. Give me some time"

"Give me one good reason"

"Because we're blood"

"You've got no right to say that to me" He snarls

"You're still John's boy" Bobby chimes in

"No, John Winchester was some guy who took me to a baseball game once a year. I don't have a dad. So we may be blood, but we are not family. My mom is my family. And if I do my job, I get to see her again. So no offense, but she's the one I give a rat's ass about, not you. "

"Fair enough" Sam says, "but if you have one good memory of dad, just one, then you'll give us a little more time."

* * *

The tension in the house is incredibly dense all day and everyone is mad at me. We're supposed to keep an eye on Adam to make sure he doesn't leave. He walks into the kitchen for a glass of water while I'm making myself a sandwich.

"Thirsty?" I ask him through a mouthful of my sandwich. He ignores me.

"Surprised you trust it. Us being complete strangers and all"

"Dude, what's your problem with me?" He says finally

"I don't have a problem with you brother" I shrug, "we're family. We've got to stick together, right? If Dad was alive I'm sure it's what he would've wanted… I mean, that is, if he wasn't busy protecting you and taking you to baseball games. "

"Look kid, whatever your beef with John is, is not my problem" He scoffs

"I know. I heard you in there. Your mom's dead and you miss her, and if you're a good boy this year, Santa's bringing you something extra special this Christmas"

"Don't talk about my mom." He snarls, knuckles turning white against the glass he's holding.

"I don't give a crap about your mom, guy, but you're not as special as you think. So you might want to get that ego in check and realize that you were the angels' last pick. At the end of all this, you're not going to get your mom back. All your gonna get is a one way ticket back to maggot town."

Adam scoffs and shakes his head at me, "you've got some serious problems"

I grin at him and think about how much I'd like to take that glass from his hands and smash it into his face. Blood. I take another bite of my sandwich. Adam's blood dripping from my hands. "Maybe." I shrug.


	36. I Know Everything Will Be Okay

I don't want to stay in the panic room with Dean but being around Adam makes my trigger finger itch so I pick the lesser poison and hole up with my real brothers. I don't know if they're still mad at me but I guess it doesn't matter right now with Dean being the way he is.

"-think how many people we've gotten killed" Dean says, "our mom, Dad, Jess, Jo, Ellen. Should I keep going?"

."Exactly none of those are our fault, Dean." I say

"It's not like we pulled the trigger." Sam agrees

"We might as well have-"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about being tired, Evan. I'm tired. Tired of fighting who I'm supposed to be"

I can't believe what I'm hearing from him. My big brother…. Dean, just giving up like this.

"You're a coward, Dean" I can't help the quiver in my voice but I'm not going to cry.

"Evan" Sam starts

"You're so weak!" I spit and he just sits there and takes it. "All my life you've told me to be strong and keep on moving, 'Don't give up, little guy'. Now look at you, ready to throw in the towel because things got a little hard"

"A little?" He squints, "you call this a little hard? Have you been paying attention to what's been going on? This isn't some problem we can fix. The world is literally about to end-"

"So what!" I shout, "the world is always about to end! Dean the world ends every day because people die every day! Out there, those people on their deathbeds? Their worlds are ending now."

"What's your point?"

"My point is, why are you going to die to save a bunch of people who are just going to die anyway?"

"Do you hear yourself right now? Do you have any idea how selfish you sound?" His eyes are narrow slits. Even Sam looks stunned. Dean bobs his head at me. It reminds me of one of those old Robert De Niro movies.

"You really think that one life is worth billions? Please tell me that's not what you're saying to me. Evan"

I'm saying that if it came down to it, I'd kill all the estimated causalities myself, Dean.

"I'm saying that I don't want to lose my brother again. I didn't start with much. I don't have much left. This would be the second time that you've chosen to walk away from me because some responsibility was more important to you than being here for me."

"I can't make every decision I make just about you or me or Sam." He says looking nearly horrified by my words, "don't make this personal"

"Right" I snort. "I forgot. I'm not allowed to take anything personally because nothing that ever happens in this family ever involves me personally"

"That's not what I meant"

"Like when Dad would forget my birthday because he was too busy hunting the thing that killed the only women he ever loved, that wasn't personal. I can't remember a single time when he told me that he loved me. Nothing personal. It wasn't personal when Sam died and you sold your soul to trade places with him so that I could have the pleasure of watching you ripped to shreds a year later right before my eyes. It wasn't personal that after burning the scraps and pieces left of your body, Sam drove me to a stranger's home and left me there without so much as a warning for an entire summer."

"Ev-"

"It wasn't personal when you two spent an entire year fighting or when both of you excluded me from your stupid feud because it didn't concern me and then Lucifer was released from hell. I've lost just as much as you have; I have sacrificed more." I say, my mood has darkened considerably. "Sam lied for a year about Ruby and you were attempting to commit suicide without so much as a 'so-long-it's-been-swell'. I kept one thing to myself for a week. An angel asked me to betray your trust and I said no. If I had known that I was going to come back home to this crap, I would've begged him to take me." I say and start for the stairs

"Where are you going?" Sam asks softly

"I need some air. Dean's sniveling is making me want to puke all over that spot on the floor where he dropped his manhood. Nothing personal" I finish with a quick grin and head up the stairs. I don't go far though; I sit on the steps within earshot because I'm dying to know what they have to say about that.

"Great, now this" Dean grumbles

"Can you blame him?"

"No, not really. If I were him, I'd hate me too"

I roll my eyes and punch the wall. It's concrete so it doesn't make a sound. Just hurts like hell. I muffle a cry of pain and force myself to keep listening.

"He doesn't hate you, Dean. He just wants to keep his big brother around. He doesn't want you to give up. Nobody does. He's got a point. Do you think maybe you could take a half a second and stop trying to sacrifice yourself for a change? Maybe we could actually stick together?"

"…I don't think so…"

"Why not?" Sam pleads, "Dean, seriously. Tell me. I–I want to know."

"I just… I. I don't believe."

I know what's coming already. I close my eyes and hold my fists to my mouth. Don't say it, Dean.

"In what?"

"In you." He says. "I mean, I don't. I don't know whether it's gonna be demon blood or some other demon chick or what, but… I do know they're gonna find a way to turn you."

"So you're saying I'm not strong enough"

"You're angry, you're self-righteous." Dean says rattling off two traits that describe him perfectly. "Lucifer's gonna wear you to the prom, man. It's just a matter of time."

When Sam speaks again, I can hear that he's fighting off tears. I spring to my feet and up the stairs.

Dean escapes not long after Sam comes upstairs. Sam goes after him.

"Watch Adam" He throws at me before he runs out.

"Okay" I shrug and reach for the shotgun Bobby has in the corner of the hall. Bobby reaches over and grabs my wrist before I grab it.

"He said 'watch him' not 'blow him to bits'."

"I'll keep it unloaded. It's to encourage good behavior."

"That's your brother in there, boy." He says firmly.

"Fine. I'll just sit with him then" I say complacently and he releases me. I can feel Bobby's eyes on me as I walk into the room with Adam. Bobby doesn't like to be left alone with me. Not after what happened last year. I don't think he trusts me. I can tell by the way he watches me that he doesn't trust me at all…

* * *

Adam springs awake suddenly and then disappears in front of my eyes. Crap.

"Bobby!" I shout and he wheels over as fast as he can. "What? What is it?"

I point to the empty couch.

"Balls!" He spits. "Sam's not gonna be happy about this."

"Happy about what?" Sam asks as he barges back inside without Dean.

"Great" Bobby huffs

"What happened?"

"Adam's gone"

"Bobby, what do you mean, 'Adam's gone'?"

"Should I say it in Spanish?"

Sam looks like he's about to loose it. At least he's not mad at me.

"He's gone how? What the hell, Bobby?" He shouts

"Watch your tone, boy, He was right here, and he disappeared into thin air."

Castiel appears in front of us then with Dean wrapped around his shoulder. Dean's face is beaten and bloody. I spring from my seat and run over to him.

"What happened?" I shout

"Me." Cas answers Sam who asked the same question

"You did this to him?" I hiss. Nobody is paying attention to me. They're all talking about Adam. It's giving me a headache. I put one hand on my forehead and grab Cas's coat with the other.

"Fix him." I say.

His eyes narrow at me. "Let. Go."

"Evan" Sam says and pries my hand off of him. I try to wrench away from him but he just tightens his grip. I pull away from him with all of my weight.

"Get off of me!" I shout

"Calm down!" His hands are like vices around my wrists now. I drop and let my legs go limp in his arms and my weight fall down, trying to spring loose from his grip by force but in one quick move he throws me back up. I'm off of my feet and he wraps his arms around mine, restraining me.

"Get off of me!" I scream and kick. His arms tighten around me. Bobby and Cas are just watching. I'm so embarrassed.

"Bring Dean to the panic room" Sam says to Cas. Cas nods and disappears with Dean.

"Sam, put me down!"

He's ignoring me now. He hauls me through the house. I don't make it easy. I kick at everything in my reach as we pass it. I can hear Bobby yelling in protest faintly over mine. Sam adjusts his hold on me and grabs underneath one of my legs. I never hated him more that I have in this moment. He carries me up the steps and into Bobby's bedroom before throwing me down inside.

I land on the floor with a thud. I glare up at him. He's panting and so am I.

"I don't have time for this." He says finally, "_We _don't have time for this."

"Cas-"

"I DON'T CARE!" He shouts, "Adam, is gone! The angels took him! We still have to find a way to get him back here safely before it's too late! We don't have time for one of your temper tantrums!"

I turn my head away from him. I can feel the sting of tears well up in my eyes. I don't want him to yell at me anymore. I pull my knees up and rest my arms on them. Sam sighs.

He moves next to me and sits down. He brushes my hair back and I look at him. He looks like he's about to cry. I start to. He wraps an arm around me.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Evan" He says softly and pulls me close. He kisses the top of my head.

"It's gonna be okay"

* * *

"No"

"Dean"

"He's not going"

"Says who?" I roll my eyes

"Says me, smart ass." He counters, "you're not going in there so you can go get yourself killed. That's final. End of discussion."

"Dean, you lost the right to dictate what I do when you decided to throw in the towel. Why should I care about an opinion of a dead man?"

"Evan, stop"

"No, you know what? Fine. You're right. I let you down again. I'm sorry, kiddo. I really am. If you don't want to listen to me, I get it, but Sam, don't let him do this."

"I already promised, Dean. We're in this together. I trust him; just like I trust you."

"Sam, Dean, Evan. It's time."

* * *

Adam is on the floor when we get inside of the angel room. This is where I met my mom. That wasn't my mom. It couldn't have been. Dean and I go to Adam and wait for Zachariah to show so Sam could stab him with the angel sword.

"Dean!" Zachariah says brightly. I guess he didn't see me right next to him. "Did you really think it would be that easy?"

"Did you?" Dean counters and I wish he didn't because he just tipped off the jerk about Sam. Zachariah turns around just before Sam stabs him with the angel blade and throws him hard across the room.

"Sam!" Dean and I both yell. I abandon Adam and run for Sam and find myself flying through the air towards him. I smash into the wall head first and hit the ground. There's a ringing in my ears. I feel dizzy and I can't see straight. Suddenly I feel an unbearable stabbing pain in my stomach. Blood shoots out of my mouth.

It hurts so bad.

"Stop it" I hear Dean say, "Stop it right now!"

"In exchange for what?"

"Dean" I gargle through my blood before it comes up again.

"Damn it, Zachariah. Stop it, please. I'll do it."

Oh _God_, no. Dean. No. I can't speak, but I hear him. I hear him say yes to Zachariah. I close my eyes. The physical pain I feel in my gut is nothing to what I'm feeling now. I curl up into a ball and let the darkness take me over.

There's a piercing flash of light. I open my eyes and see Dean pull an angel blade from the bottom of Zachariah's face. He runs across the room and yanks me to my feet.

"Get up, Evan. Come on buddy, go help Adam. Can you walk?" He asks

"Yeah. Yeah, I can" I say and make my way across the room as he helps Sam.

The room is rattling. Adam reaches his hand out. There's blood all over the bottom of his mouth.

"Evan" He grunts. I put my hand out and he uses it to pull himself to his feet.

"Come on! Let's go!" Dean yells at me from the doorway. I pick up the speed. Adam is grunting in my ear as he runs. He sounds like a pig. His hand brushes mine as he reaches out for my big brothers.

My world is moving in slow motion as my leg branches out in front of his. He goes down in front of me and I'm in front of him in a single stride, out of the door that shuts behind me in an instant. Adam doesn't make it. Dean pounds on the door and tries to open it. It glows bright. Dean can't open it. It's too hot. We can hear Adam screaming. The glow fades and Dean yanks the door open. The angel room and Adam are gone. Dean looks at me.

"What happened?" He asks looking mortified

"I don't know" I shake my head at him, matching his face. "He fell. I couldn't help him, Dean. I couldn't save him. I'm sorry."

Dean looks back at the room hopelessly. Adam's with the angels now. I guess he got his wish after all.


	37. My Family Ends With Blood

I'm starving by the time we get back to Bobby's house. Sam and Dean are being so quiet like we didn't just win a huge victory tonight. We killed Zachariah, escaped Michael, and lived to tell the tale. I'm happy about it even if they won't be.

When Bobby sees us all in one piece he seems happy at first but that changes really fast.

"Where's Cas?"

"He didn't make it" Dean says

"Adam?"

Sam shakes his head solemnly and Bobby's eyes find their way to me. I don't like it. I stare back at him.

"What happened?" Bobby asks without braking eye contact.

"We tried to get him, he just didn't make it out." Sam says to himself.

"I feel horrible." I say to Bobby with my eyes still locked on to his, "I did everything I could to save him. I don't know what happened."

It's amazing how many expressions can run through a person's face within a matter of seconds; terror, disbelief, rage, denial, nausea, grief, denial, and even loathing before settling on this last one I can't really place because I've never seen it before. Whatever it is, I feel strangely thrilled by it.

I feel Dean rub my shoulder and give it a squeeze.

"Why don't you head up to bed, kiddo? Try to get some sleep. You had a- you had a rough day."

Actually, no, all I want to do is eat and not have to pretend to be sad over a whiny spoiled brat who was a stranger to me and almost got everyone I cared about killed because he was an idiot; but that's not in the cards for me tonight. I grit my teeth and nod.

Dean ruffles my hair and nods towards the stairs. Bobby watches me as I go and now I begin to worry about what he'll say to them. What if he makes them think that I've done something wrong? What if he makes them hate me? Suddenly I wish Bobby were dead somehow. He was going to ruin everything and take my brothers away from me.

My hands are fists by the time I reach the top of the steps and I kneel down so I can listen.

It's hard to hear over the murmuring and clinking of glasses at first but after a few minutes it gets louder.

"-Sam, looked back and he was gone."

"He was gone? What do you mean 'he was gone'?"

"He was gone, Bobby. He fell. He tripped."

"On what? His shoelace?"

"What are you saying, Bobby?" Sam asks quietly

"I think we should take this into another room."

"No. Whatever you're trying to say, say it because I am tired, Bobby. I am tired, and I am not in the mood." Dean snaps

"You want me to say it?"

"Yeah I do"

"Fine, I'll say it."

I grip the bars on the staircase and lean the top of my head against it. I'm listening closely but I still don't hear what Bobby says next, only my brothers' reactions.

"What the hell did you just say to me?" Dean snarls

"What?" Sam breathes in disbelief

"You heard me." Bobby says in a voice so low and grave I can hardly hear him.

"Bobby, how could you say that?" Sam says

"Because I saw it with my own eyes, that's how! The boy almost blew a hole through his chest this afternoon!"

"That's crazy, Bobby, you know Evan" Dean says

"That's how I know it ain't so crazy. Think about it, Dean. Think about the kid's track record. Is it that far fetched? I mean you've said yourself that he's killed before with no sign of remorse. Humans beings!"

"Yeah. Human beings like the dick who killed his mother or he caught trying to hurt little girls! Not his own brother!"

"He hated Adam, Dean. He wanted him dead whether you want to believe it or not. Evan's a killer and he does it in cold blood. Now, I love you boys, you two are like sons to me; but your brother and me don't exactly see eye to eye and I am not about to end up dead at the hands of some adolescent sociopath in my own home."

I hear some chairs being moved around. Slammed around. Dean.

"You're wrong." He growls. I spring up from where I'm hiding and bolt for the bedroom. It's not long before I hear Dean's footsteps pounding up the steps and into the room after me. He walks over to my bedside; car keys dig into my shoulder as he shakes me. He reeks of hard liquor.

"Get up. We're checking into a motel for the night. Let's go."

* * *

Sam and Dean sit on the same side of the booth at the pancake house where they take me in the morning, I sit on the other. I don't mind it because it's the first time I'm having pancakes from somewhere outside of a diner in a really long time and I can taste the difference. It's delicious. But as I dig into my chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes with drowning in maple, I can feel my brothers' eyes on me, watching my every move; Dean's eyes burning holes through me. Finally I look up at him; he wipes his mouth on a napkin and throws it down next to his now empty mug of coffee. I look to the jug that the waitress had left for us and reach for it.

"Want more?"

"No, I'm good." He squints and covers his mug with his hand.

"Sam?"

He shakes his head. He's sad.

"No."

"I want to talk." Dean says

Oh no.

"About what?" I ask casually as I pick up a bacon strip from my plate and bite it in half.

"About last night, Evan. What happened with Adam?"

"I told you, Dean. I helped him up and we both ran for the door. He just fell. Why are you-"

"Come here" He says, pushing his plate and mine to the side and leaning across the table towards me. I shoot a hesitant glance over at Sam before obliging Dean's request, leaning in so that our elbows are touching. I can feel the warm wetness of spilt coffee soak through my clothes and touch my arm. That's a stain I'm going to have to work out later. Great.

Dean's eyes lock in on mine. He's not angry with me. I can see that clearly now. He's in pain. He wants to trust me so desperately that he's begging me with his eyes to lie to him right now before he even utters a single word.

"I have to know the truth, Evan. Did Adam really just trip all on his own back there, or did he trip over you? Even accidentally? We won't be mad at you. Accidents happen. We just gotta know."

"He just fell, Dean." I glare back at him, "maybe I should've stopped to get him like you or Sam would've, but I'm not that brave. I'm sorry."

I lean back in my seat with a thud. "If it was me left back there in that room, I wonder if you'd all be questioning him right now. What is it about me in particular that's so hard to trust?"

"We trust you, Evan." Sam says

"I'm sorry, I must've just misread the last couple of minutes of Dean's suspicious questions over whether or not I killed my own brother as mistrust. Silly me."

Dean looks over his shoulder frantically to see if anyone heard us and then shoots me a look. I poke my hash browns with my fork.

"Bobby said you almost shot him yesterday, Evan." Sam says, "We just had to know the whole story."

"Well, number one Bobby hates me, and two I wasn't going to shoot him. I just wanted to scare him into listening to me. I thought if I had a gun on him, he'd do what I say. He wasn't an easy guy to handle."

Dean and Sam look at each other and I know that I'm okay now. They trust me. Bobby tried to take them from me and he lost. I don't like him at all.

* * *

Fortunately for me, my brothers decide to avoid all things Bobby for a long time for my sake. Unfortunately for all of us, we land ourselves in a gift box just in time for it to be packaged and bowed for Satan the next time we check into a hotel. Gabriel is a surprise.

"And you're still toting the kid around everywhere because? Seriously, don't you have school or something?"

"Gonna tell on me?" I smile

"Well I can see that brains obviously run in the family." He quips, "as if trying to sneak you two mooks outta here wasn't going to be hard enough."

"No, no. You're forgetting about the uh, d'oeuvres in the freezer. We're taking them with us." Dean says

"Forget it."

"They called you Loki, right? Which means they don't really know who you are?"

"Told you. I'm in witness protection."

"Okay, well then how about you do what we say, or we tell the, uh, legion of doom about your secret identity. They don't seem like a real pro-angel kinda crowd."

"I'll take your voices away."

"We'll write it down."

"I'll cut off your hands."

"Well then, people are gonna be asking, 'why are you guys running around with no hands?'"

"Fine."

I can't believe that last one worked.

* * *

We usually have better luck than this during a rescue, but we're captured again before we can get the hostages out of the freezer.

I start to lose hope in Gabriel's big rescue plan when Kali stabs with his sword and he dies. Now it's just my brothers and me against a room of monster gods and the devil when he shows up. I wonder what Haydn is doing right now. It's late at night; maybe she's in bed reading a book or sleeping. Maybe she's dreaming. I wonder if she ever dreams of me.

"First you let those main courses go. Then we talk." Dean says. "We can either take on the devil together, or you lame ass bitches can eat me. Literally."

* * *

Sam and I wait inside with the monsters while Dean takes the hostages out of the freezer. I don't like this idea. I don't like our chances and I really don't like teaming up with these murderers.

"Sam, don't." I hiss at him and clutch on to his arm

"We don't have a choice."

"That's bull. We always have a choice. He's going to kill us, Sam. He's going to kill everyone."

"We're going to bring him here and leave. That's it."

"Do you really think it's going to be that easy? A hotel room full of pagan dicks, a half cocked plan, and determination? That's the magic formula to kill the devil, and then we're just going to go?"

"What's taking so long?" Kali asks, appearing over my shoulder. Sam pushes me behind him.

"Nothing."

"So you're going to summon Lucifer."

"Sort of. I just need you to squeegee some stuff from my ribs and he'll come running."

"Breaking them would be easier."

"Don't." I hiss

Dean barges in and tells us that Gabriel is alive. He's outside.

"It's him." Sam says

"How?"

"Does it matter? Shazzam us outta here, would ya?" Dean says

"We can't." One of the dicks say

Lucifer walks into the room. The skin on his face looks almost like it's dissolving. We're trapped now and I'm afraid. My brothers keep tugging me behind them, but I

"Of course you can't. You didn't say mother may I." He says, "Sam. Dean. Evan. Good to see you again."

* * *

Kali's dick boyfriend tries to take a run at Lucifer and is immediately killed by him, which of course, enrages her but more importantly, distracts Lucifer. He kicks her ass and Gabriel shows up just in time to save her. He hands Dean a DVD and transports us all to the parking lot so he can deal with his brother alone.

* * *

Gabriel's dead. The only chance we have at stopping the apocalypse now is by collecting the last two rings from the two remaining horsemen and trapping Lucifer back in hell.

"All we need is Pestilence and Death" Dean says

"Oh, is that all?" Sam snorts

"It's a plan"

Sam and Dean both look at me. Gaging my reaction. They knew I was afraid last night. It's embarrassing. I grin at them.

"Let's go raise some hell."

If this is what it'll take to save my brothers, I don't want to waste another minute. I'll do whatever it takes. I'm so tired of being afraid. Fear breeds hesitation, sloppiness, and mistakes. I never want to let myself be that weak again.


	38. I Do Not Favor Humanity

When Dean tells me that he and Sam have decided to include Bobby in our plans, I almost slice my finger on the blade I'm sharpening by mistake. It's subtle so they don't catch it. I put down my tools and give my brothers my full attention.

"What are you talking about?"

"We talked about it and we need him." Sam says with a shrug even though his eyes keep breaking away from mine. "We need all the help we can get."

"Bobby hates me."

"Bobby doesn't hate you." Dean says

"He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. He's freaked out, okay? But he doesn't hate you. I'll talk to him. In the meantime, he's all we got. Sam's right, we could use all the help we can get."

I pick up the knife and begin sharpening again. They're not listening to me. They never listen to me. Dean walks over and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey."

I look up at him and cock an eyebrow.

"I'll talk to him."

"I don't care, Dean." I don't care what Bobby thinks of me as long as he stays out of my way and out of my brothers' heads. He may have them fooled into thinking he's some sort of pseudo father figure, but I'm not impressed.

Music box chimes. Bobby dead and bloody. Slumped over in his chair. Blood drizzling from his hat. My hand grips around the knife so tightly that my knuckles turn white for a moment and then I release it. He'd be more of a mess for me dead than alive. I'm not angry anymore.

"Call him." I shrug and look up, but Dean is already across the room dialing. Sam looks over his shoulder at me as he lays the suit that matches the one that Dean's wearing out on the bed.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Where're you guys going?"

"Hospital. Gotta make sure we're on the right track."

"Swine flu."

"Swine flu." He nods, "hey, do me a favor?" He asks and tosses a pair of socks at me. I catch them and set them down beside me.

"Hey Martha" Dean clicks at me, moving the phone away from his mouth, he grabs a pair of torn jeans from his duffle and hauls it at my face. I catch it right as it hits.

"Asshole."

"Hey Ev-" Sam calls.

I look over just in time to see his jeans smack me right in the face. I pull them off and throw them on the ground.

"Evan" Dean says. I don't even look this time and I'm barraged with dirty shirts and pants all aimed directly at my head.

"You dicks!" I shout and throw the clothes on the ground as they continue to fly at me. I run to the bathroom for shelter.

I hear the front door open and close. Dean, Sam, and the suit are gone when I open come back out of the bathroom. Sam, now in his suit, is leaning against the Impala talking to Dean, who's still on the phone.

"Alright." I can hear Dean faintly say as he climbs into the driver's side of the car. Sam glances over at me and waves. I raise my hand and close the curtain.

* * *

I eat pizza and watch the sports channel while I'm in the room alone tending to the laundry. I'd missed baseball. I hardly have the chance to watch it anymore so when it comes on, I turn the volume up all the way and imagine that I'm there at the baseball park seeing it live. I don't know much about the sport. Only that I love how it makes me feel when the bat connects with the ball and I hit a homerun. The adrenaline, the energy, the rush as I make a break for home… maybe my brothers and I could go see a game some day.

The chores only take an hour and I'm running out of projects to do since I save most of my knitting and crocheting for entertainment on road trips. In truth, I haven't been able to get Haydn out of my mind since I died. I keep wondering where she is and what she's doing, who she's with and if she ever thinks about me. It makes me feel restless and now I don't have any way of contacting her at all… But she is a teenage girl and teenage girls are on the Internet these days, right?

* * *

I dig through Sam's bag and take out his laptop.

"Alright, Sam. What's your password?"

It was probably something hard to crack, nothing cheesy like 'pie' or 'password' like Dean would use. I typed in password as a joke and pressed enter. I was in shock when it worked. My brothers are idiots. I clicked the web browser and searched the web for Haydn Pruitt.

A lot of what I find has nothing to do with Haydn at all. The search thinks I spelled her name wrong and suggests I spell it with an "e" at the end but she told me that her mom thought her name looked tougher without it, so they didn't add one in. I can't find her on any social media sites that show up in the results, but they all recommend signing up for a better look. That's stupid. I don't even have an email address. There has to be an easier way, and for a small moment, I contemplate asking Sam for help.

I know what he'll do. He'll give me that pained look and furrow his brow, and tell me about how dangerous it is for me to look for her. She's safe now and shouldn't be back in this. Let her go.

I tap my fingers over Sam's keyboard and sigh heavily; his imaginary conversation with me is just as irritating as the real one would have been.

"I can't." I grumble to myself as I clear out his recent history and shove the computer back in his bag.

I'm feeling restless. The room is clean, the laundry is done, and the weapons are sharpened, cleaned, polished, and organized. I need something to do. I slip my cellphone into my back pocket; grab the room key and head out the door.

* * *

I meet Kirsten a half a mile down the road in between the Sasha's Super Slushies and the motel. She's sitting with her head on her knees on the pavement in front of the rear tire of a navy pickup; orange hair reflecting brightly against the hot Nevada sun. Her yellow sandals match her toenail polish and she's crying. There's a bruise on her arm. I stand in her sunlight and cast a shadow over her tiny figure.

"You okay?"

She lifts her head up to me and squints hard. "Who're you?"

_Does it matter?_

"My name's Evan. Are you okay?"

"Hi Evan. I'm Kirsten." She says and wipes her eyes with a huff. "I'm fine. I will be fine. Just… guy troubles. You know."

"What kind of guy troubles?"

My eyes flick over to the bruise on her arm and back at her face. She looks puzzled for a moment before she starts laughing.

"Oh my God, no. This little thing? I bruise all the time, low iron. Paul is a dick but he's not dumb enough to try something like that."

"Great."

I roll my eyes and start away. Her irritating cackling stops abruptly and I hear her shuffle after me.

"Wait." She frowns, inserting herself in my path. "That was real sweet of you to be concerned. I wasn't laughing at 'ya. You know most guys wouldn't have even stopped and asked if I was okay, so thank you for that."

Her eyes are welling up again so I nod, but she doesn't move out of my path. She takes a deep breath and exhales. The gold chain hanging from around her neck falls into her cleavage. Suddenly I feel the urge to fish it out with my teeth.

"What'd he do to you?" I ask flicking my eyes back up to her emerald pair.

"Cheated on me. Found out last night. Four years. Nothing." She says through clenched teeth. She takes a deep breath and fights back a sob.

Her lips are pink and swollen from crying.

"He asked me to meet him here with his-no, his mom's truck because him and his dumb friends are too drunk to drive it here themselves and they need me to tote them around all day, and of course I'm stupid enough to do it because I love him. I'm just so angry. I don't know what to do, Evan. What would you do?"

I don't answer her. I wouldn't know what to say to her if I had cared enough to put thought into an answer. She doesn't wait; she takes a step towards me. Her eyes pass over my face slowly until her gaze is locked into mine. She bites her bottom lip briefly and a tear rolls down her cheek. I brush it away with my thumb and kiss her.

* * *

The backseat of Paul's mom's truck is filthy. I can feel crumbs of something bready digging into my knees while we move. She's grabbier than the others were. She pulls at my hair, neck, shirt, and whatever else she can cling to and hangs on with every ounce of strength she has. Even her toes curl around my ankles and she won't let me flip her on her stomach; every time I try to, she starts kissing me again. Her nails dig into my back and she calls me Paul before she starts sobbing like a lunatic. I pull up my pants and get out of the truck after that.

Two guys, a short one and a shorter one with a cat, stumble out in front of me after I slam the door shut.

"Evan." I can hear the girl sniffling from the other side of the truck.

"Who the hell are you?" The short one slurs

"Paul." Kirsten gasps.

And suddenly I'm in the middle of a teen movie. Where the hell are Sam and Dean already?

"Who the hell is this guy?" Paul squints

"I'm Evan."

"He's my friend."

"I'm Paul."

"I gathered."

"This is Brent."

"I don't care." I say and check my phone for missed calls. Nothing. I slip it back into my pocket and start back for the motel.

"Baby. Look what we found." I hear from over my shoulder.

"Aw, he's so cute."

"We found him over by the dumpster. Look, look, look."

I do. The inebriated Brent is holding a string out in front of the unresponsive cat as if there's going to be a show. How amusing.

"We're gonna go see if we can wake him up." Paul laughed.

I taste bile in my mouth at the thought of what they could possibly have planned. Somehow the thought of leaving this innocent creature in the hands of these intoxicated sadists is monstrous. The cat has done nothing to them but live and they've chosen to torture and laugh about it. This is the humanity that I've sworn to protect. These are the people I'm forced to save. As I hear the all to familiar sound of my rage chime and the calm pass over me, I turn to them and smile.

"Dude, take me!"

* * *

As I wash the blood from my hands back at the motel room, it's nighttime and Sam and Dean are just getting home. I look over at the cardboard box where Loretta is napping and smile. I know Sam and Dean won't let me keep her, but she's safe now. I saved her. Dean sneezes loudly.

"Hey, we're back." Sam announces as I dry my hands off.

"You were gone for a long time."

"It's been a long day" Dean grumbles, "and it's still not… what the hell is that?"

"Oh, it's-"

"It's what?" He barks at me impatiently and grabs the box. He rolls his eyes heavily and shoves the box into my chest.

"What the hell is it with you and stray animals? No! Not in the room. Not in the car. Not within 10 feet of me. Not ever."

"Sam-"

"Sam knows the rules. Get it out of here, now."

"She's hurt, Dean."

"I got her." Sam says as he takes the box from me. "I'll see if the animal hospital is still open."

"I'll come with you."

"You sit." Dean snaps at me.

"But-"

He points to my bed and I sink down on it, watching ruefully as Sam leaves without me.

"You were busy today."

"Not really."

"Where'd you get the cat?"

"I was walking to that slushie place and I saw her. These monsters tied cans to her, Dean. I couldn't just leave her there. I had to save her."

He sighed and frowned heavily. "Dick kids."

"Sadists." I correct. "They didn't deserve to live. Not after what they did to her."

His eyebrows pull together hard at me. "That was a dick move, they shouldn't get away with it, but they shouldn't die for it. They were probably just some troubled kids."

"Everyone has troubles, Dean. Start making excuses for people and soon everyone is gonna be able to just do whatever they want."

"I'm not making excuses for them, it was wrong. I'm just saying that being wrong doesn't warrant the death penalty."

"Maiming and torturing an innocent creature doesn't warrant the death penalty?"

"Tying cans to a cat doesn't warrant the death penalty." He says, eyes widening at me.

I bite back a bitter scoff at his hypocrisy. This is coming from a man who will slaughter a creature without blinking for feeding on human blood for the sake of survival, but when a human torments an animal for fun, it's fine.

"Whatever those kids were going through that made them lash out like that is the problem." He says, "They need help."

"Sometimes people are beyond help, Dean. You can't help evil."

"Nobody is born evil. People are born good and then stuff happens. They get banged up on the way with nobody there to help them. That's how bad people are made." He says gruffly. His eyes, green like Kirsten's were, burn into mine.

I don't share his optimism but I nod anyway because he feels so strongly about this and I want him to be happy with me. I even give him a little smile.

"When you found the cat… it was alone, right?" He asks finally, "Whoever did that to it was long gone?"

I let my brow crease and give him a frown. "Yeah, they already gone by the time I showed up."

"How did that thing with Bobby go?"

"Good." He says too casually, "I talked to him. There won't be a problem."

"Oh yeah?"

"We've got bigger fish to fry anyway."

"You mean Pestilence and Death?"

"Think smaller, Crowley sized fish."

"Enough with the fish, Dean. What are you talking about?"

"We need Crowley to find Pestilence."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Nope. Get ready, we're leaving when Sam gets back."

* * *

Turns out that Sam's just as skeptical as I am when it comes to trusting Crowley again, unlike Dean is oddly comfortable with this whole stupid plan. I don't like it. I really don't like it when Crowley suggests that he and Dean leave without us.

"They're not coming."

"And why the hell not?" Sam growls

"Because I don't like you. I don't trust you. And- oh yes, you keep trying to kill me. Not to mention The Omen over there just gives me the creeps in general." He says with a nod in my direction. I ball my hand into a fist and he raises his eyebrows.

"There's no damn way! This isn't going to happen!" Sam shouts

"I'm not asking you, am I? 'cause you're not invited." He turns to Dean and points. "I'm asking you. "What's it gonna be?"

* * *

I didn't know Brady when Sam did, obviously, but I hate seeing my brother so emotionally charged up over the guy. I don't think I've ever seen Sam worked up over Jess before. I didn't think he remembered her. When Dean pushes Sam out of the room I step forward for a better look, but Crowley stops me in my tracks.

"Not so fast, Damien. Why don't you run along and check on your brothers? The grownups are talking."

I glare back at him without saying a word. I'm not leaving from this spot. His forehead crinkles at me and turns back to Brady.

"Right, then. Anyway, you can do the math yourself. If Lucifer wins, he'll turn this place into his kingdom. When the Morningstar cleans house, we all get the mop."

"He created us. Why would he destroy us? That makes no sense."

"Look at who-at what he is. Then take a look at what we are."

"Maybe you should be a little less worried about our necks and be a little more worried about yours." Brady snorts

"Has crossed my mind. That's not really the point."

"Actually, Crowley, that is the point. No one will know greater torment than you. Lucifer is never gonna let you die. As for me, I know the score. I'm dead, whether I tell you anything or not. So I think I'll die on the winning side, thanks."

"Good talk. Cheers." Crowley says and leaves the room, brushing past me as he goes.

I take a good look at Brady and wonder if he'll ever come around to helping us. I know I'm not in any position to determine that so I don't make a move towards him. He grins at me.

"So you're Evan Winchester. I've heard a lot about you. I didn't think you'd be so tall."

I cross my arms and cock my brow at him. "What are you talking about?"

"You, Evan. Surprised? Not enough people talk about you, do they? The youngest Winchester boy. Always overlooked. Nobody sees your potential, do they?"

Demon talk. I roll my eyes. Do they have seminars for this stuff? They all sound the same.

He shrugs in his seat and scoffs. "I know you don't want to hear it, but you've been kept in the shadows your whole life, kiddo. If it's any consolation, I think all of this should've been for you. Not him."

I hear a door slam as Sam storms into the room. Dean is calling out to him to let him out of the bathroom.

"Don't" Sam snarls at me.

I hesitate for a moment and then I hear Dean call to me so I make a run for the door. Sam catches me before I make it to the hallway. I hear Brady laughing from the other room. He's talking about Jessica again. Sam's hand closes tightly around Ruby's knife. His face is turning red.

"Sam." I say and grab his head. "He's trying to get to you. Don't let him."

Sam grips my shirt with his fists. The edge of the knife pokes a hole into my sleeve, but I don't think he notices.

"Sam." I say, moving my grip to his shoulders to escape the angle of the knife. I don't know if he can hear me over the demon's monologue. I pat his hair. He's sweating a lot.

"Come on, it's okay." I nod. "It's okay."

He relaxes his grip on my arms and heaves a sigh, pushing me out of the way gently and removing the chair barricading Dean inside of the bathroom.

"What happened?" Dean asks pushing past him

"Nothing."

"My ass."

"Dean, I'm fine."

"Yeah? And what about Brady?"

"Like you said. We need him." Sam says and looks back at me. Dean gives me a quizzical look and I shove my hands into my pockets. I feel pretty good about being able to talk my brother down from the ledge. He almost lost it in there and killed Brady. He almost ruined everything.

I vomit on the floor.

* * *

"Sure you're okay?"

"I'm alright."

"What about you, pukey? How're you doin' back there?"

"Shut up, Dean. I'm fine."

"Alright. You feel like hurling again, let me know so I can pull over. I don't need you blowing chunks all over the backseat."

"I said I'm fine."

We drive all night, headed for Bobby's place. When I sleep I have nightmares. There's always so much blood. Bobby's there. He whispers something into Dean's ear and Dean shakes his head at me and disappears. I can't speak. I don't have a mouth. Kirsten cries in the corner of the dumpster with her head on her knees. I touch her shoulder. When she looks up at me, her face is covered in black fur and matted in blood; her gold chain swings freely around her neck. She meows.

I back away from her and step on something soft. I turn and see Sam standing behind me. He's crying too.

"I have to go." He says. He's not looking at me. He's looking at Kirsten. She's sobbing meows at me. "I'm sorry, Evan. I have to." He says and runs away. I run after him but I can't keep up. My legs are slow and heavy. Everything is dark around me now. I can't see where I'm going.

Ellen appears in front of me, shrouded in light. "Be a good boy." She shouts.

I wake up drenched in sweat. The car is empty and parked outside of roadside coffee shop. I can see Sam standing on a long line through a window. Dean might be in the bathroom. I feel myself shake under my blanket as I crawl underneath it. I can't help, stop, or explain the tears that spill from my eyes, but the episode doesn't last. I'm fine by the time my brothers return. We'll all be okay in the end. It's the final stretch. We're almost there. We'll win this and be together and we won't have to be afraid anymore. No more nightmares. It's okay. We'll all be okay.


End file.
